I lied

I forgot that I have tomorrow & Thursday off which means I have a ton of deadlines today. I won't be able to finish my holiday post.

Sorry.

Forgive me?

I'll love you forever and be your best friend.

More coming soon. PROMISE!

Ack

I'm working on a post holiday post. Heh.

My fat pants are tight if that gives you an indication of how much I ate.

Muah! See you tomorrow bitches.

No worries....

...this will not turn into a baking blog. I just wanted to share my little baking adventure. Eugene and I had a blast making them and they were a huge hit with the kids at his school.

Speaking of school. He goes to a private Christian School (I know there is a joke somewhere in there about 2 lesbians raising a kid that goes to a Christian school) and last night they had their Christmas play. Eugene played the part of the Mayor of a town and he cut the grand opening ribbon for a business called Christmas Tree City. They sell Christmas trees if you didn't catch that part. The whole play was about how this business was giving away the Christmas Trees to get the story of Jesus out to the world. Don't ask. I don't know.

What I do know, is when you text your niece during the play, the time goes by a lot faster. We did however come to the conclusion that attending the play was my punishment for saying God Damnit all of the time. And because I was texting in Church I was going to hell, but since she was texting me back Meg is going to hell with me.

Do you think there is a special place in hell for people who text in church? There must be a really special place for me considering the Pastor of the church was sitting next to me. I'm sure he had lovely things to say about me later.

That's probably the reason I had dreams of fire and brimstone last night. A premonition of sorts.

Next week I'm on vacation, I will try to post a few times but I'm sure Lin has a list a mile long of things for me to do while I'm home.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'm going to stock up on ice, I have a feeling I'll need it later.

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Cake Balls Part 2

OH HOLY HELL!

I was up so late last night trying to finish my balls. I had no idea it would take so long to put reindeer antlers on chocolate balls, or that the white chocolate took so long to cool off and get hard on my balls. (HAHA, I said "hard on") *snicker* *giggle* *snort* AHEM!

I started off with the Christmas Trees and I really had fun with them and I think they turned out fabulous!!! Here are a couple of pictures of the Christmas Trees...

After the trees I moved on to the snowmen, the first several turned out really well. My balls were really nice and smooth and the chocolate dried on them very quick so there wasn't any drooping at all. Then things went wrong, I'm not sure if the white chocolate was too hot or what but the chocolate started clumping and then it didn't want to stick to my balls so only about half of the snowman balls were asthetically pleasing to the eye. The rest were just shrivled up pathetic looking balls. Painting little faces on snowman balls isn't as easy as one would think. I'm not happy with they way they turned out and I doubt I will make them again. Here are a few pictures.

On to the reindeer. These were so fun. The chocolate was smooth but my balls were not. Somewhere in the initial cooling process my balls got a little wonky so some of the reindeer balls look a little deformed. These by far were the most fun. Although I need to come up with a better plan for the eyes, some of them looked like they had been sneaking a little nip of Santa's happy juice. Drunken reindeer balls they were. Here are a few pictures.

All in all it was a lot of fun especially if you leave out the part where I hit my knee on the cabinet and my back, legs and feet were hurting so bad that I wanted to cry. Next time I will figure out a way to sit down through the entire process.

This project was more about a trial run for Christmas Eve than anything else so my final analysis is this: I will do the Christmas trees again as the reindeer but for Christmas Eve I think I will just make plain old balls dipped in chocolate because DAMN that was a LOT of work.

Also, I dipped pretzels in the leftover melted chocolate. Yummy!

So, happy cake balls to all and to all a Happy Thursday.

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Cake Balls Part I & an Update

Good news! The plumber only had to replace the thermal coupler thingy and not the whole hot water heater. And yes, thingy is an official word. In my world at least. So instead of having to pay several hundred dollars on a new one plus labor. It cost a whole $100.

Gigantic sigh of relief.

On to the balls (Please save all of the 12 yr old boy giggles for the end or you may never get through this post).

Baking the cake was a breeze. Just mix it up and pour it into the pan and bake. Molly likes to say "I want to pop the eggs", but then she freaks out and says "No Mommy, you pop the eggs". Yes, she is adorable but thank you for saying so.

Then I had to wait until the cake was cool before the next step so to pass the time I made spaghetti for dinner and washed dishes. In my little Fibromyalgia world, if I sit down, I'm done. So I had to stay on my feet for several hours which always makes for a rough night of sleeping and a sore body the next day.

After the cake was completely cool, I crumbled it up using 2 forks. This took longer than I had anticipated. It's soft cake, how long could it possibly take? *sigh* The next step was to add a container of cream cheese frosting and mix it all up. That was kind of fun, the cake was this huge glob like mass. Awesome!

I put a layer of wax paper on a baking sheet, then I started scooping up cake and forming it into balls. My balls were not the same size. Some were large, some were small and some were misshapen. Talk about odd balls. I had to get out a measuring spoon so I could measure my balls. What I was looking for was a nice consistent quarter size, perfectly round ball. Not too big because then my balls would sag. They needed to be nice and firm because it will be hard to finish them if I had squishy balls.

About every 5th ball that I rolled I had to wash my hands because my balls kept sticking. I don't think I'm very fond of sticky balls. So what I thought would be a fairly quick process turned into a fairly long process because if I'm nothing else I am a ball perfectionist. My balls have to perfect. No second rate balls for me, no sir! I had 51 balls and then a mini-ball. Lin grabbed one of my balls and it broke in half so I added it to the mini-ball to make a full size ball.

So once all of my balls were perfect and round I shaped 20 of them into cones for Christmas Tree shaped cake balls. We'll see how that turns out. I'm not real hopeful at this point. I may just have to stick with the balls and not stray from the true intention of the recipe.

I covered my balls up real tight in plastic wrap and tossed my balls into the refrigerator. My balls will be nice and cold tonight when I get them out and decorate them. I am so looking forward to dipping my balls into melted chocolate. I love chocolate.

So that was my adventure last night, I will be sure to let you know how the decorating goes and I hope to post some pictures of my balls tomorrow.

Happy Hump Day

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Hot water heaters can suck it

You can probably tell by the title of my post that we are having issues with our hot water heater. That issue being that the FUCKER STOPPED WORKING LAST NIGHT! We can get it lit, it won't stay lit. We try to light it, it goes out. Rinse, lather, repeat.

The plumber will be checking it out later. I have a feeling we have a new hot water heater in our future. Especially since the tag on the heater says 1994. I'm guessing it heated up it's last bubble bath for Molly last night.

We so did not need this right now. I'm thinking about taking my Christmas gift back to the store to help with the purchase of a new hot water heater, and then maybe selling a kidney. We were pretty careful with our Christmas shopping this year, but we could have spent about $200 less than we did had we known that our hot water heater would die. Of old age apparently, without being noticed. *bangs head on the wall*

So today will be real interesting. Oh, and also, the heat in the office works real good now. I came in this morning to an 80 degree office. It's just now cooling off after taking a hammer to the thermostat and opening the front door.

My landlord LOVES me.

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Cold tittays & other details

It's 16 degrees with a windchill of -1. GOOD TIMES! I just love it when my nipples feel like they're going to fall off. For future reference, do not go to work for a company that has a north facing office because you will spend a better part of the winter trying to keep your toes from turning blue and constantly strategically covering your chest area with a folder so no one will notice your rock hard nipples sticking out as far as the eye can see. And the eyes can see. Trust me, there have been enough dirty old men (and a few dirty women, but I'm not complaining about them) in and out of this office to know that their eyes see.

Did I mention that it's cold?

I work for a non-profit and we have 3 locations and an admin office. 2 of our locations will be closing on January 2nd. We will be firing 2 full time staff, 5 part time staff and 1 contract employee. This sucks on so many levels that I can't even express the magnitude of the suckage. In addition to this black cloud, it's possible that the company I work for will no longer pay for 100% of my health insurance premium and I will have to pay for 50%. Although this isn't a deal breaker, I am already paying 100% of my kids health insurance premium. It will cost me an additional $170 per paycheck for insurance. FUCK!

Staff parties, client parties, school parties, dentist appointments....I think I might just drop my basket over the stress. The holidays have never been this stressful for me. At least I have finished shopping. Small relief in my world.

The heat wasn't working in the office for a better part of the day, now? Now I am sweating bullets and my deodorant has failed me. Nothing like going home from a cushy desk job all stinky like I just got through digging a ditch. Awesome.

Lin is sick again. I'm so over the sickness in our house. Thinking about setting off a Lysol bomb and running like hell.

And Molly. God love my little girl. When you ask her what her name is, she says:

*Molly Smith Princess

How Cute is that?


*No, it's not her real name. Thank you and goodnight.

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My Fugly Tree

I had a mini Christmas tree gathering dust at home.

No Christmas tree at work

*Light Bulb*

Decorate a Christmas tree for the office!

Fantastic idea! NOT

This is the reason why I let Eugene decorate our tree at home. I suck at it.

I may have to take it home and let him re-do it for me.

I so suck at this Christmas thing.

Feliz Navisuckyasschristmastree! NOEL!

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Thanksgiving Post...it's about time

I know, I know. Thanksgiving was almost 2 weeks and I'm just now getting to it.

Thanksgiving in a nutshell:

Get up
Take shower
Gets kids up
Feed kids light breakfast
Check on Turkey (Lin is already at the aunts house cooking everything else)
Get call to go ahead on go out to aunts and help because Grandma won't wake up and they are going to the nursing home.
Rush around to finish getting ready
Drive like a bat out of hell to aunts house to find out that they really don't need my help
Get call from Lin, grandma is fine, she was just REALLY tired. She is on her way back to aunts house
Turkey was juicy and yummy
Rolls were light and fluffy
Gravy was to die for
Dessert sucked ass
Stayed longer than I wanted to waiting for other relatives to show up
Ditched Lin and went home without her
Crawled into bed
Turkey coma

The end.

Cake balls

I will post about Thanksgiving soon, but in the mean time...

I will be making Cake Pops (or cake balls..whatever you want to call them)f or Christmas and I need decorating ideas!!!

Don't know what Cake Pops are? Go here

Then leave me a comment with your ideas!

Gone fishing

Not really. I'm on a holiday break. As soon as I roll into the office on Monday post turkey coma I will fill you in on the food, the folk and the festivities.

Have a fantastic Black Friday! May your feet be quick so you can beat that bitch to the perfect pair of shoes, may your patience be grand because you know they will be training a new cashier when you try to check out and may your bank account not completely empty it's bowels in order to provide your loved ones with the latest in gadgetry, jewelry and fashion.

Smooches!

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A turkey gave it's life for you.....

.... so eat that sucker until you're full!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

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Guess who was in a big damn hurry to get our company Christmas cards printed and sent out?

Guess who didn't bring a proof back to the office for me to proofread?

Guess how many of those cards were stuffed in an envelope, addressed, sealed, stamped and ready to go to the post office?

Guess how many cards we had left?

Guess how many typos there were?

Let me sum it all up. My boss wanted to get Christmas cards out early this year because we have a history of getting them out the week of Christmas and it ends up being a very stressful event. So my boss took the graphic we were using and the mock up of the rest of the card that co-worker created and dropped it off at the printer. I'm not sure who approved the final piece for printing but a proof was never brought to our office for me to proofread.

So today, after co-worker and assistant stuffed all the cards into envelopes, put address labels on them, sealed them and stamped them with only 1 single card left to put in our archives, I decided to give the card a once-over.

Can you believe there was a typo? I know. SHOCKING! How do you not catch a big honkin` typo on a card with a minimal amount of information on it?

Holy BaJesus! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one here with a brain cell to spare.

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So there was this thing....

For the first time I faced a homophobe. A true homophobe. I could not believe the hatred this person could write. I was appalled and stunned and I cried for an entire afternoon over this. For one, this person said and I am quoting here:

"There are some people who were born with a greater tendency to be homosexual. It covers a wide range - some more of a tendency, some less. Everyone can overcome their tendency. But once you sanction the behavior as normal (i.e. allow them to marry) then many borderline homosexuals will cross over into that world. Imagine a teenage boy who has had a few frustrating experiences with girls. He may now be susceptible to forging an intimate relationship with a warm and caring man. Many, in our dysfunctional society, are simply blocked in expressing normal love relationships with the opposite sex. That just means that they are chosen to perfect that part of the Torah, by overcoming their inclinations."

Believe it or not, this was the least offensive thing she wrote.

My first reaction was to rip her a new one, but I suppose I needed to set a good example and be a reasonable, articulate homosexual rather than a belligerent angry dyke.

First of all, the word "tendency" is not a word I am a fan of when it is in reference to a reason for being gay. You tend to like men or you tend to like women. In my world there is no "ish" in tend. And for her to suggest that you can "overcome" is as ignorant as saying a black person can overcome the color of their skin, or that a person born with Downs Syndrome can overcome their handicap. We are all born the way we are for a reason. God chose me to be the way I am, the way you are, the way she is and the way he is. There is nothing to overcome, there is only a way to live and I chose to live the life I was born to live. Unfortunately that means because she is a total homophobic bible thumping idiot, she is entitled to not have to overcome that as well.

Secondly, there is no such thing as a borderline homosexual. Especially when in reference to someone who has had bad experiences with the opposite sex to the point where they switch sides. It's absurd to think that allowing gays to get married would make a straight person be susceptible to being pushed over the "gay" edge by a broken heart. Seriously, did she have her Mormon head stuck in the ass of Joseph Smith himself?

I have been thinking about the things this person said for two weeks. I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, cursing about it, poking needles in a voodoo doll and praying so that I may have the patience to deal with her and those who share her opinions. I'm not a stand out kind of gal. I go with the flow and try not to rock the boat but after this experience I may need a ladder to get off my high horse.

I didn't change the way she felt, I didn't expect to. I hope that I at least gave her an intelligent articulate view of things from someone who just happens to be a lesbian. I know that some people put the fact they are gay on their sleeve. It's who they are, it's how they live, it's the impressions that they leave. For me? Being a lesbian is a small part of who I am. I'm Kathy, I'm a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a lover of music, an artist, a human.

After you go through the list of the things I am, at the bottom is a single word. Lesbian. It defines a small part of who I am and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing on the list of things I am that I care to overcome.

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The gift of childbirth that keeps on giving

I sneezed and pissed my pants.

Once you give birth your girl bits just are not the same.

This is the same reason why I chose not to play on the moon bounce at a birthday party yesterday. The last time I got on anything bouncy. I pissed my pants.

Now I know why panty liners were really invented. Not so much for your light days but for women who have birthed babies and can no longer keep their urine inside their bladder at will.

Kegel who?

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The truth about sex & depression

I'm going to go out on a limb and talk about something very personal. Sex. I'm typically shy about this subject not only in doing it but talking about it. I'm trying to break through my shell. There are various reasons behind why I blush at the mere mention of sex and why I must have the light off and the covers yanked up to my chin. Let's just say my early experiences with sex have shaped who I am today and I'm trying to outgrow that shape.

For the last 2 years. Shit. Who am I kidding? For the last 3 to 4 years the sexual relationship between my girlfriend and I has been, well, practically non-existent. God love her for being so patient and understanding, I'm very lucky. Between trying to get pregnant and being worried about having sex while waiting to find out if we were pregnant and then getting pregnant and afraid to have sex because of previous miscarriages - our sex life went down hill. Fast. Like a speeding bullet. BAM! No nookie.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, then my father passed away and I became the poster child for postpartum depression. Between shredded nipples/pumping/dreading returning to work/a funeral and home life in general, I was a complete mess. Enough of a mess that people asked Lin on several occasions if I was okay. I was not okay, but I insisted that I was. Who wants to admit that they have lost control of their emotions. Of their life?

Not only did I start smoking again, but I starting taking anti-depressants. Right away I noticed a difference. I was able to cope with life a little bit better, I didn't obsessively check to make sure the baby was breathing 30 times before I was able to go to bed and when I did go to bed, I could finally sleep. I no longer handed the baby to Lin the minute she got home and then ran from the room because I had to get away from that baby. Oh, and wash my hair. I could finally wash my hair. I don't know why that task was so difficult, but it was overwhelming.

The down side to the medication is that it killed my vagina. I may as well have cut the thing off as much use as it was to me. I had no feeling "down there" whatsoever. Not even a hint of a tingle at anytime. Not no way, not no how. I couldn't even give myself an orgasm. THAT is how dead my vagina was. So when there is no sex, not even a hint of sex between 2 people that love each other very much, you start to grow distant. When the distance gets large enough, the kissing stops, the hugging stops, the cute emails, the telephone calls, the snuggling in bed and even the ability to just be cordial to each other. I started to grow resentful of having a partner that was no longer my lover. We were roommates who were co-parenting and it sucked. I went off my medication and that went about as well as a fart in a diving helmet. It stunk really bad and I thought I would never get through it.

I emailed Lin and asked one simple question: Did I function better when I was on meds? The answer was yes and as much as I didn't want to be a slave to medication, I knew I had to start taking them again. Ironically, the thought of going back on anti-depressant medication was depressing.

Then I quit smoking. That is a horror all it's own as well as another story for another time. My mental health grew stronger as my libido grew weaker. There was just no sexual desire at all. AT ALL. I can't understand why Lin stayed, other than we were a family and we were going stick together and get through it. I'm glad she toughed it out. The "baby" is now 2-1/2 and even though we have our bad days we love each other very much and want to be together. Frequent sex or not. Although Lin definitely leans to "frequent" side of the equation.

Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. I think if more people talked about it and would admit to it, there wouldn't be such a stigma. Yes, there is a big chance that medication will kill your libido but I would rather have the medication kill my libido than for depression to kill me.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Do something and do it now.

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Oops she did it again

DAMN!

Okay, it's no secret that I have difficulties with my co-worker. One of the big things is the fact that she has rarely washed a dirty dish in this office. I have repeatedly washed dishes for her when it was CLEARLY her turn to do them. Sometimes I will wait and wait for her to do them and then I end up having to soak the damn things overnight so they will come clean. I think she is very lazy and I hate the fact that she assumes I will do them and lets them pile up.

So I took a stand. A silent stand, but a stand nonetheless. I washed every dirty dish in the office, dried them, put them away and washed the counters. Our little kitchen was spotless. From that moment on when I used a dish, I washed it immediately, dried it and put it away. I was hoping that she would notice that all of the dishes that started piling up were the ones that she had dirtied. All of them were hers. Since there are only 4 of us in this office it's easy to figure out who uses the dishes. Our boss never uses the dishes and my assistant only uses an occasional utensil.

I guess besides being lazy and presumptuous she is also slow on uptake because she so did not get it. The pile got larger and larger. I continued to wash just my dirty dishes and she continued to dirty up almost every single cup/fork/plate in the office. I continued complaining to Lin and to everyone else who would listen, but I stood my ground. Even when she was out sick for 3 days and I did a massive cleaning to the office, I did not wash her dishes. Let me just tell you right now how exhausting not doing the dishes has been. I could not stand to walk by them. I would avoid going in there so I wouldn't have to look at them. I hated it, but I stayed strong.

I summoned up a tiny bit of courage and while I was warming up my leftovers I said in an actual out loud voice "Boy, these dishes sure are piling up!" There was no response from her whatsoever. She didn't even look up from her keyboard. The whole time I'm thinking "You heard me, I know you heard me, play dead all you want sister!" I cannot believe she didn't even acknowledge what I just said! The nerve!

I let it go, I was just going to continue playing this game. I was not going to give up, not after all this time. I went back to my desk and got busy trying to ignore the situation. 2 hours later when she decided she needed to make a cup of tea she got up and went to the kitchen and said "Oh, I thought you were going to do the dishes?"

Right after my head spun around and popped off all I could think of to say was "Nope". You don't have to, I rolled my own eyes for you. "Nope"? That's all? I am so quick witted. Really. She didn't say anything in return and I just sat there and stewed on my "Nope" for another 45 minutes before I finally said (to myself of course) "Fuck this shit!"

"Hey, the reason I didn't do the dishes is because none of them are mine. I have been washing my dishes as I use them."

"Oh, so are all of those dishes mine?"

"That would be correct."

"Okay, I'll do them."

WHAT? That's it? So very anticlimactic.

3 days later and she still hasn't washed the dishes.

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Granola theif

So I recently started a diet. I know what your thinking, your thinking that you don't want to follow one more blog about weight loss. I'm not going to bombard you with emotional cries of an overweight unhappy woman who just needs a break and then get a bunch of sympathy because there are so many women out there who know what I'm going through and please hold my hand and by golly I will get through this. Gag me. I'm fat because I eat too much food in general and too much of the wrong thing. I don't intend to be one of those blogs but something happened today that I just need to share.

I measured out a half cup of granola cereal to eat with my lemon yogurt. It's one of my favorite things to eat while dieting. I brought it to work yesterday but didn't get a chance to eat it so I saved it for today. I grabbed my yogurt and then opened the cabinet and could not find my granola. It was gone. I asked my co-worker if she had seen it because she straightened up the cabinets yesterday. She said she didn't see it.

I cannot get this woman to wash a dish or wipe the counters but she rearranged the cabinets. I had all of my stuff segregated from her stuff and my stuff was very happy about this. Today there is stuff in my cabinet that doesn't belong. Why? Why? Why?

I honestly think she threw it away. I don't know why, maybe she thought it was hers but I think she was afraid to fess up. Coward.

Who the fuck takes a 1/2 cup of granola cereal? A strangers cereal, because if it wasn't my co-worker then it had to be the janitor and it wouldn't be the first time that food has mysteriously gone missing. So now I'm pissed off that I'm having to eat naked yogurt.

Thieves. Gah!

..and then it was done.

I have a couple of things to say.

First things first.

BOOYAH!

Haha. Shout out to my man Obama! Way to go dude!

I went to bed shortly after 9:00 pm and by then the race was all but won, it would have taken an extreme hail Mary for McCain to pull it off at that point.

I woke up this morning and while I was in the bathroom Lin yelled through the door that McCain made a come back and won. I was bewildered. All I could say in my sleepy state was the standard 8 year old reply of "Nuh uh!"

Then of course I couldn't pee fast enough so I could run to the TV and find out just what the hell happened after 9:00 pm last night! Because Jesus Christ THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Yeah, she was pulling my leg. She's been doing that a lot lately. Poking me with a stick to get a rise out of me. She should be careful, I might bite.

While we were cooking dinner last night she made the comment that I was not as politically active and she was. I just looked at Eugene who had that "ruh roh raggy" look on his face and I said "Okay". Then she kept poking me with that damn stick and told her there was no freaking way she is more politically active than I am and I started ranting and she, of course, started laughing. She got me. I'm a big dork.

Yesterday was a really good day until Molly ran down the hall to her room, tripped over air or something and received a nice goose egg on her forehead. Then Eugene was taking a bowl of leftovers out to the dumpster to empty and he tossed it up in the air and it landed on his nose. We have a blood stain on our driveway that could rival some murder scenes. Not kidding. His nose is nice and swollen today.

Unfortunately, my kids inherited my klutziness. I pat them on the head daily, turn my head to the side and whisper "You are a big dorky klutz, get use to it."

Then Lin poked me with a stick.

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The inevitable

I will wear a white shirt on the day I bring leftover spaghetti for lunch. And of course, I will miss my mouth. Not once, but twice. It is inevitable.

I will enter the office bathroom immediately after someone has dropped a stink bomb. It is inevitable.

Someone will walk into my office the minute I shove a huge bite of food in my mouth. It is inevitable.

I will let out a huge burp the minute my boss walks through the door. It is inevitable.

I will answer the phone and say "ABC Company, this is David", because I was looking at David's name while I was answering the phone. Bonus...it was David on the phone. It is inevitable.

When I decide to wait until a commercial comes on TV to change Molly's dirty diaper, she decides to stick both hands down her pants. It is inevitable.

One of my dogs will poop on the floor a mere 10 seconds after I praise him for being "such a good wittle boy for going potty outside!" It is inevitable.

And finally, the most inevitable thing in my life currently is:

I finally found some balls of my own and mention to co-worker that her dishes are piling up and .......she completely ignores me. It is most certainly was inevitable.

Leave a comment....what is inevitable in your life?

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Speaking of emails and colons

I'm so getting in trouble for posting this, but I changed the identity so this person will remain anonymous.

This was an actual email conversation.


Jennifer: Hiya!!

Me: Hi! I have cramps. Love, Kathy

Jennifer: Ugh! I'm sorry. I'm constipated. Love, Jennifer

Me: You know, they make stuff for that. You seem to have an ongoing problem. Eugene started taking a Metamucil tablet every day and now...no problems. He no longer spends 45 minutes on the toilet trying to go. WHOOSH!

Jennifer: I'm going to get a colon cleanser this weekend and start taking something like that every day.

Me: Please tell me they don't put a picture of that on the bottle.

Jennifer: I don't think they put of a picture of that on the bottle.

Me: I hope not, imagine if your man-friend came over and snooped through your cabinet and found a bottle with a picture of an evacuated colon on it. Sexy!

Jennifer: Hahaha! Yeah, that will get me laid!

Me: Of course, on the other hand. He may think you did it for him. Ahahahaha *cough*

Jennifer: Bwahahahahahahaha! You're killing me here!!!

Me: You know I'm totally going to blog about this.

Jennifer: Ugh, ok.

So, thank you very much Jennifer for giving me material for my blog. SMOOCHES!

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I'm blind

I can't even begin to describe how hard it was not to stare at my boss just now. Not to mention how hard it was to stifle the laughter that is expanding and bubbling and churning in your gut with 100 lbs of pressure behind it. Think of it as a backward fart. Only you giggle. Okay, you probably giggle when you fart too, but I think you get what I'm driving at.

My boss was wearing a gold chain with a quarter dangling from it. That's not all. He had an extra button on his shirt open. He was trying to pimp it yo.

I must go home and giggle my ass off lest the pressure will build up and my butt will explode.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

P.S. Halloween pictures will be posted next week. The cuteness will kill you.

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In 3....2....1

I'm not a morning person. SURPRISE! When I wake up I usually languish in bed for another 5 to 10 minutes before I even sit up and I end up sitting on the edge of the bed scratching my head for another 5 minutes before my feet hit the floor.

I can muster up a couple of grunts before I hit the shower but that is pretty much all you're going to get from me. I usually don't even fully wake up until I've been at work for half an hour and have a cup of coffee in me. Don't even think about talking to me until at least 9:00 a.m. unless you like having your head ripped off and shoved up your no-no hole. Yes of course my boss loves me, why do you ask?

Eugene is the same way. Molly however, is not.

Getting up with Molly is like being shot out of a cannon. She was sound asleep one minute, rolled around for 10 seconds, popped up like a jack-in-the-box and said "C'mon mommy, let's get out of here!", and with that she jumped off the bed and took off. I had no choice but to follow. It happened so quick I think my brain went into spasms and turned into a gelatinous goo that leaked out of my nose.

There should be a law against moving so fast in the morning. It was a whirlwind of sippy cups, Noggin and coffee. Thankfully I managed to get juice in her cup and coffee in mine. That one could have been a disaster. Molly doesn't need extra get up and go in her cup. Her get up and go works extremely well.

Mine however is so very broken. And welded. Then rusted over.

To top off my morning, co-worker returned to work today. It was all going so well. Now to find my iPod so I can tune her out.

Cheers!

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Ahh, blah, blech, eww

I hate it when my period sneaks up on me. Not only did I not get any cramps, or bloating, or cramps (did I mention cramps? because there were NONE) but it came a whole 5 days early. I am so stinkin` lucky! Like I said it snuck up on me and I've had to wear my shawl around my waist all day. Some days I just LOVE being a girl.

I was fine one minute and then all of the sudden... EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!

Did I mention that I'm wearing my brand new slacks? Never been worn before today? Karma, you there? I get it, now get off my back and out of my underwear. You bitch.

Luckily the PMS did not pass me by. But I think you figured that one out for yourself.

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I have been extraordinarily busy. My favorite (haha) co-worker has been at home sick for 2 days and I am so amazed by the amount of actual work I have managed to get done in her absence. I'm very proud of myself, and for some reason (CLUE? hello?) it dawned on me that while she is here SHE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME and I can't get anything done. I hope she stays home again tomorrow. Maybe I'll make a good showing right before my yearly review. How awesome am I?

___________________________

Tomorrow night the nursing home is hosting a Halloween Party. I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome hanging out with the elderly and taking their candy while the smell of urine and Pine Sol linger in the air.

Friday night is Trick or Treat time for the kiddos and I'm looking forward to seeing Molly's face while she is running around like a heathen asking weirdos for candy. Then I can't wait to raid her stash because I am an awesome mom and I'm just trying to save her teeth. Yeah, that's it. Her teeth. Saving.

Saturday is ROAD TRIP time! Were going to a friends house over 2 hours away in the country for a bon fire. Cuddling up around a giant fire roasting marshmallows is just the mini-vacation I need. It will be a busy weekend but I am so ready for it.

Hell, maybe I'll get lucky and co-worker will be gone on Friday as well.

A girl can dream right?

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Co-workers bug me..but what's new?

During our weekly staff meeting yesterday I told our 2 facility directors no less than 3 times that the eleventy billion boxes full of candy/books/tchotchke's/program materials/etc... needed to leave my office TODAY. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow and most importantly not next week. TODAY.

And if your car isn't big enough, we can load up my van I will deliver them to you later after your staff arrives. No less than 3 times. Still? One of our directors loaded up my van with half of the boxes, closed the back of my van and left without telling anyone. I cannot express to you just how much in a bunch my panties got. Yes I said got. My least favorite word. Suck it.

He left half of the boxes here. The other director promised me that he would send one of his staff back to the office with the facility van and pick up the boxes. It's Tuesday morning and I'm still holding my breath. And turning blue mind you. I just don't understand why people cannot follow simple instructions. I just don't understand.

I'm not sure that I will be able to hold back my anger and my contempt for irresponsible and inept employees. I am the administrative manager over the entire company, I'm basically second in command. If I want you and tell you to get the boxes out of my dinky, running out of room, so not a storage facility office then I fucking mean it. I'm not pulling your leg and I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe something came up. The one dude just left. So guess what? I'm giving the boxes he left to the other director.

Shithead.

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V-8 Moment

This sign sums up my ranting post about my Obama sign being stolen. I totally should have thought of this. This is awesome!!!

Tragedy

This is probably the most horrible thing I have ever had to write. It's still hard to think about it without getting goose pimples and teary eyed. I never thought that such a horrific thing would ever happen to me. It has rocked me to my core and I will never be the same.

I am forever changed by this event. There is no going back, I have lost my innocence. Life is no longer carefree and full of rainbows and butterflies. It's a dark, hazy world now. There is no joy to be had.

Everything is tainted. *

It all started yesterday. When I left home it was like every other day. I took Molly to daycare, then dropped Eugene off at school, picked up a donut for breakfast and drove to the office. I arrived at approximately 8:00 am just like I always do. I sat down at my desk, turned on my computer and checked my email while enjoying my coffee and a cream filled donut (glazed, not chocolate).

Everything was normal. I had no reason to think that something was going to go horribly wrong. It was business as usual. I know I could not have predicted it and there was nothing that I could have done different but it will haunt me until the day I die.

After checking my email and responding to those that needed immediate attention I excused myself to go to the ladies room. The restrooms in our office building are locked. You have to have a key to get in. Safe and secure. Right? I had no reason to think otherwise.

What happened next.....(deep breath, relax) was off the charts. There is no way a person could imagine anything more horrible. I put my key into the lock, turned it and opened the door. I flipped the light switch on (because it's hard to find the toilet in the dark) and locked the door from the inside. I was locked in, everyone else was locked out. I opened the stall door and the blood rushed from my face. I felt faint.


There it was....



Right in front of me....

The toilet paper was installed so that it dangled underneath instead of rolling over the top.


I know, I know. The horror.

I'll just let you take a minute and absorb that. (No pun intended)

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Have you dried your eyes? Are you okay? Alright. Now comes the hard part. I have a picture. If your squeamish you may want to stop reading right now and close your browser because this is not pretty. It will haunt you and you may never get the image out of your head and I will not pay for your counseling. I just won't do it. You've been warned.

For those who want to view the offending photo please scroll down. Otherwise, please leave now.


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Do you see it?? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I regret doing this to you. Really. (ha ha, ho ho, he he, snort)

*I said "taint"ed.

Okay, I've had my 13 year old boy moment. You may resume your day.

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Un-inspirational blogger

A while back I followed a blogger. I won't give out her information as she is still an active blogger with a large following and I'm just not up to people accusing me of attacking her, even if they are right.

She and I have the same medical condition which is why I started following her. That, and the fact that she is a lesbian and was trying to get pregnant at the same time that I was. We also both suffered a miscarriage right around the same time. Our worlds seems to have been revolving around each other.

At first, I could totally relate to everything she was going through. From the physically draining medical condition to the frustration of not being able to get pregnant on the first or the millionth try. I could sympathize with almost everything. She was my voice. Someone KNEW exactly what I was going through.

As time went on and I kept reading her blog I noticed that each post was a carry over from the previous one. The same complaints, the same angry and frustrated ramblings. Every single post. Eventually we both got pregnant and we both had healthy babies. I continued to follow her blog faithfully. But her complaints continued. Every day. Every post. The same thing. Complain, whine, bitching and moaning about the exact same things.

She wasn't just a broken record, she was a broken record that was super glued to the turntable with a direct wire into an electric outlet. It never fucking stopped. I can't believe this woman didn't just pack it all in, take a flying leap and end it all. She made me want to open a vein.

So one day I decided I had enough. I just couldn't read one more depressing entry about how horrible her body feels, her guilt about not being the perfect mother, her frustrations with her partner, how overwhelmed life is, problems with her step-child, the unhealthy way she hung onto the pregnancy she lost, even her post titles reflected her daily self-deprecation. "Denial", "Depression", "Anger". I stopped reading her blog. I had to.

It had been well over a year since I read her blog. Long enough that it took me 3 days to remember the title of her blog. I thought I would just hop over there and see what was going on in her life and not surprisingly it is the same old shit. Only now it's complaining about having to return to work, toddler woes, more depression, etc...etc..., just shoot me in the head now. How can one person continually be so negative about EVERYTHING? It has to be exhausting to complain so much.

I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her partner. I feel sorry for her readers. I don't understand how she has kept so many followers. Get some counseling or something but STOP IT! The lady can do some serious bubble busting. She even said in one of her posts that she was a pathetic blogger.

Unfortunately I couldn't agree more.

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You try to poop with grown man outside your window

I was supposed to work late, but the janitorial service showed up just as I was headed to the bathroom to drop my contents. I decided that I would rather stink up my own bathroom than to hear Tashiqua tell her home girl "Oh no she di'unt! Why girl goan stink up da bafroom like dat? Das nasty!" Like she's a delicate flower who doesn't poop.

I decided to go ahead and go home so I could poop in the peace and quiet of my own bathroom at the far end of the house, with the door shut. Without worry that someone would follow 5 minutes later and possibly acknowledge loudly to the world that I had just pooped. The levels of mortification would push me over the edge.

Drive, curse, flip other driver the finger, drive, park, run to the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhh, relief is soon upon me.

(mumble mumble)

What the hell?

(mumble mumble)

Who is that? It sounded like there were men having a conversation right outside the bathroom window. That can't be true, the dog run is right outside the bathroom window. It must be someone in the neighbors yard.

(mumble mumble)

Just relax, don't pay any attention to (mumble mumble, hahahaha).

Damn. Damn it. Damn.

Close your eyes and block out the (mumble mumble)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, I can do this. Ignore the voices.

(mumble mumble)

What the? That sounds like... NO! It can't be!! I strained to listen. (mumble mumble)

OH MY GOD!! It was my son! He was on the phone!!! He sounded like a grown man!! With a deep voice and OH MY GOD when did his voice drop that low? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY????

I hate age 15, it turned him into this...this..little man type person with a grown up voice and I don't like it ONE DAMN BIT!

Suffice it to say, I abandoned poopville to go tell Lin what happen. I give her way too many things to laugh at me about. She snickered. More than snickered, she bellowed. Bitch. How I love her so, even though she laughs and makes fun of me.

At least we will have stories to tell the grandchildren.

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My girl

I thought I would share one of my favorite pictures of Molly.

Several people have emailed me asking why I named her Molly. Molly isn't her real name. Her name is not very common and her great grandma has called her Molly since before she was born, so for the purposes of this blog, her name is Molly.

But I no have

Molly and I have settled into a nightly routine that I hope will last a couple more (10) years. I will put her in pajamas, we go into the bedroom and I will put on my pajamas while she crawls into bed and then we read a couple of books before going to sleep.

I am enjoying this alone time with her more than I thought I would. We snuggle up and talk about the book were reading and she identifies the pictures and she gives me hugs and kisses and tells me that she loves me. Who wouldn't love that kind of attention from an aloof 2 year old? Lin is clearly her favorite, but at bedtime she asks for me. Being the favorite if only for a little while makes all of the crap from the day melt away. And as my friend Monty the redneck would say "That makes me happier than a puppy with two peckers." I'm not sure what that means except really freakin' happy.

Last night after I put on my silk night shirt she touched it and said "Ooohhhh soft". I said "Yes, it's very soft" and she reached out to rub the shirt, and patted my left tata instead. Then she said "Boobies. Mommy's boobies."

Then she lifted up her shirt, looked at her chest then looked at my chest and said "But I no have boobies!"

She was very upset about it. I can't believe body image issues start this early. I'm in so much trouble in about 10 years. Or less.

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Suicide

Ways in which I have thought about taking myself out of this world:


Hanging: If it was good enough for mom.....

Overdose: I have enough medication in my home to kill a herd.

Intentional car wreck: I am too afraid that I would kill someone innocent.

Cutting my wrists: I'm a big chicken...I've sliced my finger open.. bad... that shit hurts.

Gun: I have a gun in my house, I could never use it. My g/f would never forgive herself for having it and I would be too afraid one of my children would find me.

Drowning: Swimming out to the middle of a lake and treading water until I was too exhausted to swim back....even though I'm terrified of drowning.

Jumping: I love heights but I'm afraid of heights. I know that doesn't make sense.

Suffocation: Movie: The life of David Gale.

Carbon Monoxide: This is the most alluring...you just have to fall asleep.



Ways in which I have imagined myself dying:


Terrible car crash in which I am burned to death. I know. My mind is a total freak.

Aneurysm. Quick pain and then it's lights out.

Gang banger busting into my office and poppin' a cap in my ass. I don't know what to say, I work in a shady part of town. My imagination runs wild.

Disgruntled employee. See above. *sigh* I know.

Home invasion. Ack! It happens and it scares me. I just keep praying that if it happens, I'm home alone. This also explains my obsession with locking our doors at all times during the day.

Heart attack. It's hereditary and it scares me. Obviously not enough to curb my appetite for steak and fried chicken.

Cancer. I've known a few people with cancer. It's a horrible way to die and I figure with my luck, this is the way I will go. I just hope it isn't stomach cancer because it's bad enough that I have IBS. I can't imagine anything more painful.

Airplane dropping out of the sky: I know this is a huge long shot. But it happens! And what a coincidence that my house is directly below the flight path to the airport.

Obscure medical condition: Blame it in my House obsession. I just love that show.

Car accident near a body of water: Because you know I would totally hit the water and my seat belt would get stuck and I wouldn't be able to get of the car. I am lucky like that.

Regardless of what you think of this post, I'm really not suicidal. I have a preoccupation with death and dying. I am convinced that regardless of how I die, I know it will be traumatic and dramatic. I fear it even though I think about it often. Call it an obsession rather than preoccupation. Either way, it's always on my mind.

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The great puppy caper

As I said previously we rescued a puppy. I use to word "rescue" loosely. So loose even Paris Hilton's vagina is jealous. Okay so we stole him. Don't be judging the puppy stealer's, it's not our fault. If dumbass people didn't buy puppies from a puppy mill, get them home and realize that they are a lot of work, you know because they need to eat, drink, poop, pee and breathe and then chain them up in their front yard for a week straight in the Oklahoma heat when they have a perfectly large, fenced in backyard with a ton of shade AND a doghouse then their puppies would not get stolen rescued! So save your judgemental tendencies for Sarah Palin, because she deserves it.

Okay, this is how it happened. Lin drives by a particular house on her way home every day. And for a week this poor little dog was chained up in the front yard. No shade. It was hot. Really, really hot. Did I mention that he was chained up? Because he was CHAINED UP. With chains! Every day she drove by this house and every day that poor dog was there. Just lying there all pathetic and needing someone who would love him in an air conditioned environment and get him a haircut because we won't be having any long-haired doggy hippies at our house. She actually thought he was dead at one point.

She finally told me about it so I said "Well, I guess were going to have to go steal rescue a dog tonight. After dark. With gloves on and discussing whether or not we need to put tape over the dome light and which one of us is driving and which one of us might possibly get bitten while trying to free this dog. Dog-napping takes planning y'all.

So we waited. After it got dark we took off into the night. We circled the block 3 times to make sure no one was watching and that the owners of the dog were indeed STILL not home. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was so nervous and so afraid of getting caught, or shot. It would be difficult to explain away a gunshot wound. Especially to my boss and my mom.

We parked about a half a block away. I figured the less time I'm seen running down the street with a dog the better. I opened the door, put on my gloves and ran! The dog started barking at me but I put my fear aside, reached down and started to pet him and he rolled over and showed me his belly. This was a good sign that he wasn't going to chew my hand off. I grabbed his collar and tried to free him from the chain only I couldn't get the clasp open. After what seemed like forever and I'm sure it was probably only a few seconds, I flung my gloves off and opened the clasp. I grabbed my gloves, scooped the dog into my arms and ran like my ass was on fire.

I jumped into the car and we took off. The dog apparently had never had anyone pet him because his tail was wagging so fast it created a gust of wind. He was so excited. After we drove down the street a little I turned on the dome light and discovered that yes indeed the dog was male (I knew this because he had testicles.) What surprised me was that he was a puppy. We had assumed that it was a full grown dog, but his poochy little belly gave him away.

So that is how Claude joined our little, albeit expanding family.

We took him to the vet to get his shots and to get his nuts chopped off and the veterinarian said he was about 5 months old. Poor puppy. I am still so mad at the people who chained him up. He has turned out to be the sweetest little boy. He's still very hyper especially when we first get home or when strangers come over but he's slowly learning how to behave and the house training is going well. He rarely has accidents in the house.

We are convinced we made the right decision and we would do it over again. He needed us and I'm convinced now more than ever that we needed him.


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So I bought another.....

Let me just start by saying that I'm not big on politics. I try to do my part by keeping up with issues and weighing both sides in an effort to make informed decisions. I don't preach to anyone about my ideals and beliefs and I won't listen to others who try to preach to me. I don't judge others for how they feel or how they choose to vote. It's none of my business.

This election has me more stirred up than any other election. I think it's the thought of Sarah Palin being in a position that might make her the leader of our country, and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. Initially I was so happy to learn that a woman would be running for VP because it meant that this election will be a great one in the history books. We will either have a black man in the oval office or a woman as the President's right hand. I was absolutely thrilled. The only thing that would make this election better is if Obama were a black gay woman. Now THAT would change history in great proportions. Of course, like many people, after getting a glimpse of the kind of person she is and the kind of politics Palin stands for I'm extremely fearful of her being in ANY type of leadership role let alone the position of VP. This woman is scary. Okay, my feelings on Palin could be an entire blog post on it's own. Moving on.

This election I decided to get a little more involved. Maybe involved is too strong of a word, I should probably say I decided to show my colors this time around. I went out and purchased a yard sign. A simple yard sign that said "Obama/Biden". Nothing fancy, just a sign to show my support. Everywhere you look people have political signs adorning their yards or car bumpers, making their political affiliation public knowledge. When I asked Lin if she was okay with a yard sign, she expressed concern about our house getting egged or being vandalized. Although I felt she had legitimate concerns, it really never crossed my mind that something along those lines would ever happen. We were go for a yard sign. A yard sign that I paid $5.00 for. A sign that I purchased during my lunch break instead of getting something to eat. A sign that would be displayed proudly on my gay front lawn.

I had to pick my son up from school after I purchased the sign, so when I dropped him off at home I installed my Obama sign. I put it about 10 feet from the street and about 2 feet from the driveway. It wasn't so close to the street that someone driving by could grab it but close enough that it would be noticed by anyone who passed by. As I drove away I was very proud of that sign. I was showing my support and my neighbors and those who drove down my street would know exactly who I will be voting for this year. It was my first political yard sign. I felt so grown up, so satisfied with the political party I had chosen to support, so happy to know that my opinion, my vote will make a difference. If nothing else, my vote cancels out some McCain lovin' Republicans vote. Satisfaction baby. I has it.

I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. It's Friday after all, my co-worker has the day off and it's OU/Texas weekend. Those of you who know me, understand without a doubt what a treat it is for me that my co-worker is not here today. The word "Joy" comes to mind. We have no plans this weekend to speak of with the exception of Eugene, who will be attending a youth rally at church tomorrow. I want to lounge around the house in my sweatpants with my hair up in a ponytail, color with my daughter and work crossword puzzles with my lovely girlfriend. Ahh yes, it was a good mood indeed. The mood did not last long.

I was violated. I feel betrayed, preyed upon and victimized.

Some douche-nozzle stole my Obama yard sign. Not only did they steal my sign, but every Democratic yard sign on not only my block but several blocks. The only signs left were in support of various Republican candidates. It's not hard to figure out what type of person did the thieving. Some idiot Republican who thinks stealing yard signs is going help their political party. I have some news for you Palin pushin' asshats. You have done nothing but ensure that I will do everything possible to make sure that not only will I vote for Obama and every single person on the Democratic ticket but I will also make sure to tell everyone I know that all of the Obama yard signs in my neighborhood were stolen by a dickhead, obviously morally challenged Republican. (It's not like you've never heard of a morally challenged Republican....it shouldn't come as a surprise.)

Then, I will go purchase another Obama yard sign which in turn will bring more money to the Democratic party which will only help get Obama's message to more people, resulting in more votes which creates a path right to the White House. So, you flea-bitten scumbag sign stealer, your efforts are all in vain and your thievery has backfired. How do you like me now?

I'm sure some Republican out there is going to say that us Democrats swiped our own signs in order to blame it on the Republicans and make them look bad. That's like saying I gave myself a bad haircut to make it seem like a have a shitty hairdresser.

Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense.

Neither does voting for McCain & Palin.


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Putting my foot down. Sort of.

Maybe I'm wrong, or selfish, or both. BUT, I don't think it's fair to make an appointment with a co-worker to go over a specific project and then said co-worker takes a 2 hour and 15 minute lunch and then has to go run a legitimate errand that delays things another hour.

I moved on to another project that I put off expecting her to be here. I started on that project and was in the middle of it when she showed up wanting to get started.

Is it fair that I have to stop what I'm doing to accomodate her? No, I don't think it is. And I won't stand for it! Well, I won't stand for it AFTER TODAY. Yeah, after today. Because we really need to get this project done. So, only for today will I put up with it, but by golly after today I am putting my foot down. Hard. Well, not too hard, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be rude. But I will be firm. But kind! It's always a good thing to be kind.

*sigh*

I'm a pussy aren't I?

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Working with a ......

I have a real hard time feeling any type of sympathy for my co-worker. She complained to me today that she received ONLY $600 of her child support this month.

(Blank stare, internal cursing & feet stomping)

ONLY $600???? Wow.

I know that everything is relative and there is a reason she gets what she does, but Holy child support Batman! She went on and on about having to reel things in because her ex couldn't pay the full amount and it put her in a bind and blah blah blah, cry me a fucking river.

I get $174 a month. That is all. The child support I get every month does not even cover my sons monthly braces payment let alone his 4 different medications or any other cost.

I was so jealous of her my head almost popped off.

Jealous. Gah. Whine. Pout.


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Here kitty, kitty, kitty

This shit only happens to me. I'm convinced of that. I must have been pure evil in my former life to deserve this.

When leaving work the other day I put my car in reverse and started backing out of the parking lot. I thought I heard someone yell "Help, help!" So I turned down my radio and I heard it again. Only it's wasn't "Help, help!" it was "meow, meow!". I listened harder. "Meow, meow!"

No. fucking. way.

There was a cat inside the engine of my car. I put the car in drive, pulled back into the parking space, turned the engine off, popped the hood and started examining the engine.

I could hear it, but I couldn't see it. I kept thinking "Great, there's probably half a cat splattered all over the inside of my engine. "Meow!" At least it's the bottom half.

It was raining. I didn't have an umbrella*. I was not amused. I called Lin.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how do you get a cat out of an engine?"

"WHAT?"

"Cat. Engine. Need it out. Need it out now."

"How the fuck did you get a cat caught in your engine?"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I heard it when I was leaving work and it's in my engine and it's meowing really loud and I can't see it and it's meowing and it's raining and it's meowing and I want it out!"

Then it poked it's little head out for 2.5 seconds and I realize that it's not a cat, it's an itty bitty kitten type imitation of a full grown cat.

"Shit!! It's a kitten, it's a little baby kitten. Damn kitten! Get the hell out!"

"Calm down, I can't come help you right now, can I send Danny over to help?"

"No, I'll go see if my boss can help. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

I called up to my office and told Amanda what was going on and asked her to ask our boss for help. Amanda came down the stairs 5 minutes later. Did I mention that it's raining? I have no umbrella and I'm soaking wet and it's raining? With all of the rain?

She came to my rescue with a can of tuna. That kitten was so tiny, I felt so sorry for him. Every time we tried to reach for him he jumped back into my engine. Little fucker. I finally made a bold grab for him preparing myself for the possibility that he could bite me or claw my face off and I would have to take him and have his head cut off and tested for rabies. Not that I overreact to these type of situations or anything, and not that I get into these type of situations a lot or anything. Ahem.

So I wrapped the kitten up in a towel and drove him home where my dogs flipped out completely. We weren't going to keep it regardless but it was funny watching the dogs go berserk.

Kitty went to the pound. Poor kitty.

* After it was said and done, there was an umbrella in the back of my car the whole time. Stupid kitty.

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Lazy to the max and a crappy diagram

I have to get this off my chest. I try not to bad mouth my co-workers but sometimes they make it too easy. Okay, that is not true. I love to bad mouth my co-workers, but only the ones who give me reason to. It just so happens that unfortunately for them sometimes those reasons are minuscule and totally depend on if they pissed me off that day. And if I've had coffee.

My office has 3 rooms. All 3 rooms make up a rectangle. The main entrance is in front of my desk. My office is connected to the conference room which is connected to my boss's office. There is a partition behind my desk and my co-workers desk is on the other side. The kitchenette is also on the other side of the partition as well. Here...I drew a diagram.

(so sorry about the diagram...um...I'm stupid. Just note that the office on the far left is my boss's office and the little square on the bottom right hand side is my co-workers area.)

(Just click on the image for a better view)

This is what happened:

She is sitting at her desk, my boss is sitting at his desk. They are about 30 feet apart, if not less.

She called him on his cell phone so she wouldn't have to get up off her lazy ass and walk to his office.

I wonder what he thought of that and never in my life have I ever wanted to be able to read minds more than I did at that moment.

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Tales of working with a.....

Me: "Amanda, there is a gentleman on the phone who is doing a paper about non-profit funding and grant writing. Should he talk to you or to Mike?"

Amanda: "Well, since nobody should have to take this call, I guess I will be the one to sacrafice and talk to him."

Me: "Don't do that."

Amanda: "Don't do what?"

Me: "Play the martyr, you don't do it well."

Amanda: "Hmmpff!"

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The Great State Fair

We didn't go last year. I'm not sure why, but at the time I'm sure I had a good reason. I just won't remember that reason for another 2 years. Short term memory problems are good like that.

Our biggest goal was for Molly to be able to ride the rides because she is fearless and we knew it would be huge fun for her. Who knew that even in the "Lil Pardner" section you still had to be 36" to ride. Some of the ride operators wouldn't let her on, but then we got wise and carried her to each ride so they wouldn't see exactly how not 36" she was. It worked. I have lots of pictures. They're still on the camera but at least I took them and I'm sure in 3 or 4 weeks I'll download them to the laptop. Until then you can use your imagination. Here, I will help.

Picture a 2 year-old girl, not yet 36" tall, screaming her head off because she doesn't yet know the concept of "wait your turn". She has chocolate on her shirt, her hair is wild and she is the one yelling "WANT TO RIDE NOW!" Once she gets on the ride she grins from ear to ear and then throws a huge fit in front of everyone because "I WANT TO RIDE AGAIN!" and then we repeat the whole "wait your turn" non concept getting.

And there you have it. Except, add sunburns to everyone because we had no idea we were outside long enough to get a sunburn because we only go to the fair to buy the jams, jellies, salsas and trinkets that we don't need. Oh and can I just say that Made in Oklahoma Honey ROCKS! AND if you ever get a chance to buy this salsa then you better because it is so good I can eat a bottle in one day.

Okay, we also go to people watch. There isn't anything funnier than watching a bunch of rednecks dress up in their best Metallica t-shirt, get drunk and ride the rides until they puke. Everybody has their personal favorites. This one is mine. Judge me if you will. I also get to pass judgement when I see the line in front of the Deep Fried Twinkies booth is a mile long. And that line is full of fat people. *Fat people who are probably a deep fried twinkie away from a coronary event.

Molly finally gave out and slept in her wagon while we perused the buildings in search for the perfect jar of (insert anything Made in Oklahoma here) that we just had to have. I think we ended up with 5 different jars of stuff. We sampled the honey last night with our KFC biscuits and I can't wait to open up the rest. You just can't beat biscuits and honey. Mmmmm mmmmm. I don't sound like a redneck at all do I? DO I?

The only thing that puzzles me EVERY STINKING YEAR at the fair is women/girls who wear hooker heels to the fair. Why? I want to yank their heels off and beat the stupid girls in the head with them. Your feet will pay the price. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but they will get their revenge and I will laugh at you for having to wear orthopedic shoes by the time you are 30. Neener.


*please remember that it is okay for fat people to make fun of other fat people. It's not? Damn, I really must be a bitch. Heh. Nevermind then.

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So this blonde walks into a bar

OK, I don't know if she was blonde, and she didn't walk into a bar. She called me at work and it went a little something like this.


*ring*

Me: "XYZ Company, this is Kathy."

Her: "Hi Kathy, my name is Gina, I am with blah blah company. Do you work there?"

Me: "No ma'am, I just answer the phones for fun."

*Crickets*

Me: "Have a nice day"

*click*

It's the little moments in life that make me smile and keep me away from padded rooms.

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Cheap!

For Sale:

15 year old boy
Good dish washer
Vacuums like nobody's business
$100 - That is a good bargain
Takes up very little room
Does not come with off switch (still working on the patent)
Comes complete with attitude (adjustment knob is broken...sorry)
PRICE REDUCTION! $75!! Get him before it's too late!
Free 2 week supply of ravioli with purchase
Must purchase as is - no refunds
But that's not all! Buy now and we will throw in a 1 month supply of ADHD medication, AND 3 tranquilizers to numb your senses when your first month is up! WHAT A DEAL!!
PRICE REDUCED! $50 ACT NOW!
You don't want to miss out on this wonderful opportunity.
Free target to put on the back of his head when you need to smack some sense into him
Great diaper changer for those of you with babies and a great babysitter for the older kiddos
During this special offer, if you buy now we will slash the price to just $25!
Call now before it's too late!
Dance card needs to be upgraded because "rhythm-less white boy" is no longer compatible with current operating system.
If you call in the next 10 minutes we will include a muzzle, a geek speak translation book, and a free subscription to "My son is giving me ulcers can I tape his mouth shut?" Weekly.
For a limited time we are reducing the price yet again, get your teenage boy for just $5.00!!!
Call now! As a free gift we will include a guide to "Eye rolling and shrugging, how to beat it out of them."
And for a limited time we will remove the "I don't know" part of his speech!
You just can't beat this deal.
Okay...I'll pay you. $5.00?
$50?
Please take him.
I'm begging you.
I need the relief.
He knows how to mop, and clean toilets.
Give him a video game and you won't hear a peep from him for days. Just throw a couple of crackers at him a couple of time a day.

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It's all about the details

Lin, Molly and & I all came down with strep throat. Unfortunately for Molly we didn't find out we all had it until she had been sick with it for 4 days. You can wrap up my mother of the year award now, I'll take it to go.

Listerine + raging sore throat = a not so good idea. I had to pull Lin off of the ceiling and cram ice down her throat. How she figured that was a smart thing to do, I will never know. In the big scheme of things I'm sure she wishes that was a life lesson she didn't have to learn.

Lets talk herpes. Not vajayjay herpes, but the fever blister kind of herpes. I developed this tiny little blister on my bottom lip and I was extremely pro-active in the care of said blister. I put medication on it, but it continued to grow. I called my doc and asked her to please call in a prescription for me before the thing swallowed my face. I picked up the script and I proceeded to slather my lip in the thick, creamy, white balm. Then I waited. Then my lip exploded. Am so not kidding. Remember the scene in the movie The Nutty Professor where Eddie Murphy's lip popped out? That was mild compared to what happened to my lip. The next morning it was even worse. I cried. Then I cried some more. I called my boss and I cried. I called my doctors office, she wasn't in, so I cried. I called the pediatrician who told me to go to an urgent care clinic, then I cried. I called the urgent care clinic and they told me they were only taking babies for well check-ups, then I cried. Then I called Lin and I cried while she told me to go to the emergency room. I caved. I didn't want the expense of an emergency room visit but it seemed I had no choice.

This visit went relatively quick, I guess there aren't a lot of sick people at 8:30 on a Friday morning. Lucky me. Evidently I had an allergic reaction to the medication which in turn caused my lip to swell the fuck up and take my face hostage. Insert prescription for steroids, a 2 hour nap and a half a day later and I could finally see my eyes again.

I decided to give the fever blister a nick-name. I called it "thehugefuckingthingthatatemyface". It was more fitting than something like "Sugar Tits".

After having to use a straw for days on end I woke up one morning in my usual sleepy fog, made a cup of coffee, took a drink of that cup of coffee and then yanked the scab of that fever blister right off. As soon as I regained consciousness and cleaned up the blood I looked at the piece of flesh hanging from my Valentine heart coffee mug and I was so sure that half of my lip was missing. I ran to the mirror expecting to see some sort of freakish Freddy Kruger lip only to find that a small gouge was missing. Just a little divot, but that little divot hung on tight and hurt like a mother fucker.

Oh and when your sick, laying around your house and cursing like a sailor, make sure that your 2-year old daughter didn't hijack your cell phone and is having a conversation with your boss.

Amen.

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No more sick leave for me

Strep throat suuuuuckkssss. Details to come...

Also....

Why you shouldn't gargle Listerine whilst having a raging case of sore throat....

Fever blisters and what happens to them when you have an allergic reaction to medication....

Nick names for fever blisters that have their own zip code...

How to use and abuse your 15 year old while you are sick...

Why having 3 people in the family come down with strep throat at the same time is NOT a good idea....

Things you let your toddler get away with when you have strep throat...

and finally....

How much it hurts ripping the scab off a fever blister with a hot cup of coffee...


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As the job turns

I took an online quiz to see which jobs suited me the best. These are my results:


Novelist - It would take way more writing ability that I currently possess for this one to even be in the far reaches of my skills.

Photographer - Don't you have to have a camera for that?

Vet - More education than I have. AND the yipping/yapping/barking/smell of it all.

Medical Technician - More tolerance for people than I have.

Paralegal - Yawn.

Geologist - I find this interesting because I use to work for a geologist and he was a prick. However, I don't have a degree in geology.

Marine Biologist - Again, this would take more education than I have and there is not a whole lot of marine life in Oklahoma. I'm just saying.

Graphic Designer - Another ironic job title. I use to work for a graphic designer. It's a hard business to get in to and even harder to be successful and there's the whole lack of graphic arts degree thing that's hanging out there.

Online Content Developer - Um, what?

Webmaster - I do this already. I built a website for a local restaurant and I maintain it. Go me. I don't get paid for it. Unless you count free food. Then I totally get paid and my ass could totally retire now. Seriously.

Computer Security - Huh?

Producer - Of what? Tell me, producer of what? Canned corn? Movies? Porn? Tomatoes?

Computer Programmer - Okay, now you're pissing me off.

Technical Writer - !

Systems Analyst - !! You hate me don't you?

Meteorologist - Like I could compete with Gary England. Pfft. Also...under-educated I is.

Artist - I would totally be on board with this. I already have my art hanging in the den and if I had more time I could produce more art. I seriously doubt that this position offers major medical. Bummer. This one would fit me more than the others.

Back to square 1.

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Mid-life work crisis

I know that I should feel lucky and grateful that I have a steady job. I work for a non-profit that has a lot of public support and will never shut its doors. I'm thankful. Really. I am. I don't have to worry about being laid off, my kids have medical insurance and I have a paycheck.

So why am I so miserable that I want to find a new job?

I am the reason Lithium was invented. Seriously.

Why is it so hard to leave corporate America? I'm not qualified to do anything other than run an office. I'm good at it, but I am growing to hate every single minute of it. I'm growing to hate my co-workers and I'm growing to hate my boss even more than I did before. I feel like an ass for that because the man has cancer but I can't help how I feel.

I want to be a park ranger, a painter, motivational speaker (who am I kidding!) or a lingerie model (shut up). I have dreams people and it doesn't involve receiving paper cuts on a daily basis. I want to be irresponsible. I want to yell "I quit", walk out the door and never return. But I can't. I have bills to pay and children to keep healthy and fed. Why does this have to be so hard?

So, I'm praying that I will find the path that will make me happy. Praying, hoping and wishing.

Maybe I should get off my butt and actually do some work to find this miracle happy making job. :) I guess it's not going to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head. Damnit.


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Ghosts of lunches past

It's funny how as days go by and you get busy with life that you forget certain details of your life. As as I was sitting at a traffic light today I glanced to the car next to me. I noticed that it was a taxi, and then I noticed the gentleman driving the taxi. He smiled at me and slowly nodded his head. I smiled back. He looked so familiar to me and it took about another hour for me to remember who he was.

A few months ago after running errands I needed to eat and decided on McDonald's since it happened to be on my way. There was a lot of traffic and I didn't realize that I had pulled into the drive-thru in front of someone who had been waiting. This person pulled in behind me and honked. I finally figured out what the problem was and I felt horrible. He pulled in beside me to let me know what I had done and I apologized to him profusely and motioned for him to go ahead of me. A minute later he honked at me and motioned for me to go ahead of him, so I did.

When I got up to the window and paid for my lunch and I told the cashier that I wanted to pay for the lunch of the gentleman behind me. He said "Really? Why?" I explained that I had accidentally jumped in line ahead of him and I wanted to make up for it. His response? "Seriously? Why would you pay for his lunch?" 3 times he asked before he finally took my money. $3.47 for his lunch. A small price to pay to ease my guilt.

About 10 blocks later sitting at another stop light I heard a honk. I looked over and saw the man roll down his window, so I rolled down mine. He said in a thick accent "Ma'am, you did not have to do that." "I know sir, but I felt bad and I wanted to make it up to you." He smiled and thanked me and the light turned green. He changed lanes and followed behind me for a few blocks, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him smile as he drove away.

A small price to pay to make someone smile.

Adventures in house training

We kind of sort of rescued a puppy a couple weeks ago and by rescue I mean "stole". Heh. I'll have to fill you in on that later, until the coast is clear. Ahem.

We fell in love with this puppy immediately. He's quite a character. He likes to jump, run, chew on everything and knock Molly down to watch her cry. Molly is missing a lot of crayons and I think maybe it's not a coincidence. Oh the look on his face says "I didn't do it mommy I swear", but it's hard to believe him with crayon wrapper stuck to his face.

To say that house training is not going that great is like telling the last Cheeto in the bag that it's safe from Britney. I try to watch him like a hawk but when your trying to make dinner and wrangle a 2 year old, it's just not that easy. In the evenings we put him in the den with the gate up while Eugene is in there destroying precious brain cells playing XBox and he has never peed in there (the dog..not Eugene..although sometimes I wonder). The dog door is in the den and it opens up into a fairly large brick dog run, so the dog door and the hard wood floors are probably the reason he doesn't pee in there. But the minute he steps on the living room carpet he feels the need to drop his contents right then and there. It's frustrating, and when I try to grab him to take him outside he thinks it's a game and starts running and does he stop peeing while he's running? Hells no. He's peeing and running, I'm yelling and chasing. I end up with a small puddle and then a line of pee running through half of the house and I'm chasing a puppy who thinks I'm playing and I'm really thinking up puppy meat recipes in my head. And! I guarantee you that I would be the ONLY one in the house to see the 15 foot long stream of pee. It's like everyone else in the house can't see below their knees.

It's amazing how less cute he became after he started pissing on everything. Every time I step in a wet spot the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "Fucking shithead puppy." I say that with much love and adoration. Really. Because 10 minutes later I'm wrestling with him and rubbing his tummy. If I can't catch him in the act it doesn't do any good to scold him. I shower him with love with the hopes that he will eventually get that fact that mommy doesn't like it when he pees on the floor and he will love me so much that he will want to please me and what would please me is for him to relieve himself outside. Preferably before I put the finishing touches on my puppy kabob recipe.

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Rules of my the road

Dear Oklahoma drivers,

Heed these rules or I will slash your tires and key your pretty paint job ala Carrie Underwood:

1. Put down your damn cell phone, newspaper, lipstick, chicken McNugget and put your left arm in, put your left arm out, put your left arm in and you shake it all about and pay attention, that is MY lane your inching into. Get any closer and I will CUT YOU!

2. Slamming on your brakes does nothing for me, does it do something for you? Because if you don't quit it, it will do "something" for the car repair shop your going to have to go to when I slam my gas guzzling SUV into the back of your little bitty car.

3. Every time you change lanes in an attempt to get into the "faster" lane, God kicks a puppy.

4. Honking your horn does not make traffic go faster, it does however make my middle finger go up faster.

Any questions?

Have a complaint? Call 1-800-SUCK-IT

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Butt plugs and dildos

Why I spewed orange Fanta thru my nose and coughed so hard I threw up:

"Mom? What's a butt plug?"

"Ummm, well. Uhhhh, it's a uhhhh, where in the hell did you learn that from?"

"When I was at aunt C's house I watched Angry Kid videos."

"Oh, well uhhhhh.... they are, well...lets see uhhh......shit! Did you get permission to watch those videos?"

"Well, Meg showed me a couple of them, but then I watched more after she left."

"Oh, well uhhhhh, a butt plug is...well, it's something that grown up people use for uhhhhh, well, for sexual pleasure."

"Oh"

"Hey mom?"

"Yes."

"Whats a dildo?"

.

Tattoos and tits

When I was young, I was stupid. Not just a little stupid, but STOOPID. Oh I'm not saying I wasn't intelligent, but when it came to love and men.....STOOPID. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was a lesbian and I couldn't figure it out at the time and I latched on to each man who paid attention to me so I could get married and squeeze babies out my vagina like a redneck female was "supposed" to do.

So, I married a guy. He was from "the city", had a fast car, tattoos and I thought he was cool. We got married a month after we started dating.

*blink*

Yes, I said 1 month. Don't be hatin, I said I was stupid. Then I topped my stupidity and got his name tattooed on my left tit. Yes, the stupid flowed like wine. I drank that wine, yes I did and then I threw up all over my shoes.

I later got the tattooed covered with the only thing that would cover it at the time. A tribal shark. It was cool when I picked it out. Not so much anymore. Since that time I've gained weight and had another baby so it's more like a stretched out deformed dolphin than a shark. Hindsight ya know.

For some reason Molly loves the shark. When we are in the shower or I'm changing clothes she always has to look at it and it poke it with her finger. Yesterday was no exception. I don't wear a bra when I'm at home because I like to be comfortable. You could just take a look at my ass imprint in the sofa and know just how much comfort I have. I was sitting on the sofa, Molly was in my lap and she tugged on my shirt and said "I wanna look at shark", so I yanked up my shirt so she could look at it and poke it with her finger for the millionth time.

Only something happened. As I was watching the Olympics and letting her poke at the shark this white hot pain shot through my tit and it was as if lightening had traveled through my body. I damn near peed on myself and almost threw Molly across the room. Why she decided to pinch the ever living shit out of my nipple remains a mystery, but I guarantee one thing. The next time she wants to look at it I'm wearing cast iron pasties.


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Fishy

I'm not usually a squeamish kind of person and I have the gag reflex of a professional bulimic but UPS just delivered a box to our office for my boss. On the side of the box in big red letters is "LIVE FISH". I know that my boss has a new garden pond so it all makes sense but my face probably had "perplexed" written all over it. Five minutes later when I could hear the fish moving around in the water it freaked me out. I have no idea why, but the thought of fish swimming around in a box makes my hiney twinge. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Only it's fish...in a box. I may need someone to hold me.

He told me that he bought it at an auction and that it is an authentic Japanese Koi. Of all the odd deliveries that arrive here for him, this one is the most amusing. And the most expensive I imagine. I think I may need to go home an pet my goldfish and remind him that he's still special even though he's not Asian.