Friday, March 20, 2009

Ann Coulter-the source of diaper rash

I know that just giving my post a title with her name in it is giving her way more face (blog) time than this woman deserves, but sometimes the anger builds up enough that I just have to let it out or it might just explode through one of a few holes I have in my body. I'm a big fan of not holding things in and I'm an even bigger fan of keeping the current size of my orifices.

I thought that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was bat shit crazy but Ann can out-douche her any day. Having been a single mother at one point in time (and by law I am still considered a single mother) I was completely offended (shocker huh?) by the passage in her book that says "Victim of a crime? Thank a single mother." and then there was a lot more diarrhea that spewed forth from her after that.

I think she says the things she does because she is crazy and lonely and craves attention. She's like a dog. Any attention is good attention. I think she goes home every nights and cries into her oatmeal and masturbates to Rush Limbaugh because if anybody is as hated as Ann, it's Rush.

I feel sorry for her. Here death will be mourned by a lot less than those who will dance in the street.

P.S. If you didn't get the title, it's means that she is a piece of shit.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Glory Glory and holy hell

My doctor and I made a mutual decision to change my medication. I was slipping into depression again and my outbursts of anger were getting more frequent and more violent. She thinks the outbursts were my version of panic attacks. I get that. I understand. Sometimes my anxiety has nowhere to go except out and toward those I love.

In addition to the fact that my heart rate is too high (again) we decided a change would not only be a good idea, but probably necessary. The new medication is geared more toward panic attacks and OCD whereas my other medication wasn't. The old medication also has a history of causing a high heart rate. So, it got the boot.

There is also a good possibility that I have degenerative arthritis. I have to find the time to go get an x-ray of my hands. In the meantime she gave me a pain relieving gel to use because owie ouch my thumbs hurt, especially when I have to type a lot. Oh, and I had lab work to check my thyroid because I just found out that all the women in my family have had a problem with theirs. You'd think that would be information I would have been given years ago. Woohoo! Something new to blame my weight on. My old excuses were getting....well, old.

The good news is I'm starting to feel something in my girlie bits. If you remember there is a section of my body that has been dead for a long time and I blame the medication I was on. No feelings, tingles or desires in that area of the body AT ALL. Jesse has been very patient. It's like my body has been a dried up desert for many a moon and a crystal clear lake of refreshing spring water has appeared on the horizon, only it's not a mirage. It's real. See that? That is my girl bits and they are twinkling in the distance ready to be rediscovered.

Hopefully soon I will be able to tell my beloved to dive right in baby, the water is fine.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Silver lining

This is the silver lining to the black cloud I call family.

It had 42 miles on it. It's brand spankin' new. It smells real good. It's real purdy!

My girlfriend will have a new truck boner for days.

God love my girlfriend. I know I do.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sometimes, family suck.

When my dad passed away almost 3 years ago, my mother decided to give his truck to my nephew. He was 16 at the time and all he needed to do to take possession of it was get his drivers license and insurance. He never did either one of those things.

He dropped out of high school, will not hold down a job, never got his license and getting insurance has never been a priority. Anything that didn't involve getting drunk or high has never been a priority for him. He's 19 1/2 years old now. He lives in an apartment with his 17 year old girlfriend and neither one of them will hold down a job. They can. They just don't choose to.

I borrowed the truck to haul some stuff because we didn't want to get my van dirty so it's been sitting at my house for long time. It's an old beat up truck that you don't drive around in for pride but you use it to haul stuff in. It's a work truck. I offered to buy it and my mom said okay but that I would have to wait because she was going to give my nephew time to get his act together. That was 6 months ago and I called her last week and told her I needed to buy it or I needed to return it.

She commented about the the bills she could pay and the new eye glasses she could get with the money I was going to give her. She lives on a fixed income and is disabled. She was going to call my nephew and tell him his time was up and she was selling it to me.

I'm not sure what happened although I have my theories but in the end my sister got insurance for the truck and it was no longer up for sale. One minute we were buying it, my son would have a vehicle for his 16th birthday and all was well and the next minute it was gone.

My theory is that my sister bullied my mom into backing out of our deal. She bailed out a kid who has had almost 3 years to get his shit together. All he needed was his drivers license and insurance and he would have had a FREE TRUCK. If my kid had that opportunity and he squandered 3 years and did nothing, it would be a cold day in hell before I helped him out.

3 fucking years. He's 19 1/2 years old and doesn't have a drivers license. I don't know why she did it. Now he's getting a free truck and he didn't have to do a thing to get it.

My mom said these words to me:

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Someone was going to have to get mad at me in this deal and I'm sorry that it had to be you. I could have really used that money, now I don't know where I'm going to get it. I should have sold it to you a year ago. I'm sorry, please please don't be mad at me."

I shouldn't be surprised that I got the shit end of the stick. It's been this way for years, but after that conversation I got so upset that my stomach decided to drop it's contents all at once. I love that my emotions are so connected to my bowels.

Imagine me, crying on the toilet and praying that my intestines weren't coming out with everything else. I wasn't for sure if I was going to write about this because my sister's daughter reads my blog. She's my favorite person and I know it has to be hard to read this about your mother and brother. But then if someone said something bad about my brother it's probably something I've already said myself so you just never know when someone is going to be understanding about the family you rant about.

I really don't think my dad would have wanted things to happen like this. I think he would have wanted his wife to be able to afford a new pair of glasses than for an ingrate grandson to get a free truck.

The whole situation sucks and has left me very sad and very disappointed in the way some family members have acted. I'm bitter and angry and if I were the type of person who could remember to send out Christmas Cards I would totally scratch them off my list. Until then, I'll have to settle for the cold shoulder. I don't even think they will notice.

God love my family. Somebody has to.


Monday, March 16, 2009

So many posts, so little motivation

I have so many things I want to tell you about dear internet but my time is fleeting. I seem to get busier with each passing day.

First, the important stuff.

I went to my doctor last week and the most memorable part about the visit was when I was leaving. I walked through the exit door and there was a midget little person standing right in front of me.

What is the politically correct thing to do in this situation?

Do I look him in the eye as if to say "I see you there, and your short stature and your stunted limbs do not freak me out in the slightest because I see you as a normal human being and totally not weird at all! I'm okay, you're okay."


Do I look away and not acknowledge that I see him at all as if to say "I'm a busy person and it's not that I'm ignoring you it's just that I'm busy with my own life and I don't notice my surroundings and it's really not you, it's me."

Or do I make eye contact, nod and then look away?

What do you do?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Naked Princess

If you can figure out how to keep clothes on an almost 3 year old, please pass your secret voodoo magic tricks to me. It never fails that 10 minutes after we get home she starts shedding her layers.

Shoes, gone.
Socks, gone.
Shirt, pulled up to her forehead and hanging being her like long flowing hair (ala Lily Tomlin), then gone.
Pants, gone.
Panties (or pullup), gone.

Then? We do the naked dance.

"I'm nakie nakie nakie" all while wiggling her hips and smiling like that she got away with something.

"Molly! Come here! You get over here right now and put some panties on!"

"Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww... I'm a naked PRINCESS!" Then the chase is on.

"You can be a naked princess with panties on." Running down the hall.

"Newwwwwwwwwww, I have to be a NAKED PRINCEEEEEESSSS!" She holds up her hand in a stop gesture.

"Princesses wear panties to you know." Slumping to the floor to hold her down in an attempt to get panties on her naked business.

"No. No. No. NAY - KED!" She wriggles free and runs through the house. "Nakie, nakie, nakie."

"Okay, fine. You go and be a naked princess then, just remember that princesses don't pee pee on the chair!" "And they don't get cookies either!"

"Will you help me put panties on?"

"Yes, come here." She inches close to me, smiling, then she takes off running.

I threw her panties at her and gave up.

At least she didn't pee on her chair. This time.


Monday, March 2, 2009

My lips are better than yours

I just now realized that I do a really weird thing. I mean REAL weird. Everyone told me growing up that I was weird, my family, my friends, and now? My son says I'm weird. Okay, I get it. I'm weird, but I'm loveable. When I don't have PMS. Which I totally do right now. I just wish I would get the damn thing so I would STOP WITH THE CRYING DURING COMMERCIALS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck.

Oh, I'm weird. About that. I just realized, that when I put on chapstick that I don't move the chapstick over my lips. I keep my hand still and I contort my lips in a back and forth motion that can only be described by comparing it to someone with really great fingernails scratching your back. You know that look on your face you get while you are "ooohing" and "ahhhhing"? The one where you make weird faces with your lips? Yeah, that's the one.

I move my lips back and forth across the chapstick while my hand remains motionless.

Yes I do.

Now you are wondering how you put on your own chapstick aren't you?

I'll bet you have your chapstick in hand right at this very moment.

I would also guess that you are looking for a mirror so you can see exactly how you put your chapstick on.

Aren't you?

Don't deny it, you can't fool me.

What is YOUR weird thing?