I'm blind

I can't even begin to describe how hard it was not to stare at my boss just now. Not to mention how hard it was to stifle the laughter that is expanding and bubbling and churning in your gut with 100 lbs of pressure behind it. Think of it as a backward fart. Only you giggle. Okay, you probably giggle when you fart too, but I think you get what I'm driving at.

My boss was wearing a gold chain with a quarter dangling from it. That's not all. He had an extra button on his shirt open. He was trying to pimp it yo.

I must go home and giggle my ass off lest the pressure will build up and my butt will explode.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

P.S. Halloween pictures will be posted next week. The cuteness will kill you.

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In 3....2....1

I'm not a morning person. SURPRISE! When I wake up I usually languish in bed for another 5 to 10 minutes before I even sit up and I end up sitting on the edge of the bed scratching my head for another 5 minutes before my feet hit the floor.

I can muster up a couple of grunts before I hit the shower but that is pretty much all you're going to get from me. I usually don't even fully wake up until I've been at work for half an hour and have a cup of coffee in me. Don't even think about talking to me until at least 9:00 a.m. unless you like having your head ripped off and shoved up your no-no hole. Yes of course my boss loves me, why do you ask?

Eugene is the same way. Molly however, is not.

Getting up with Molly is like being shot out of a cannon. She was sound asleep one minute, rolled around for 10 seconds, popped up like a jack-in-the-box and said "C'mon mommy, let's get out of here!", and with that she jumped off the bed and took off. I had no choice but to follow. It happened so quick I think my brain went into spasms and turned into a gelatinous goo that leaked out of my nose.

There should be a law against moving so fast in the morning. It was a whirlwind of sippy cups, Noggin and coffee. Thankfully I managed to get juice in her cup and coffee in mine. That one could have been a disaster. Molly doesn't need extra get up and go in her cup. Her get up and go works extremely well.

Mine however is so very broken. And welded. Then rusted over.

To top off my morning, co-worker returned to work today. It was all going so well. Now to find my iPod so I can tune her out.

Cheers!

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Ahh, blah, blech, eww

I hate it when my period sneaks up on me. Not only did I not get any cramps, or bloating, or cramps (did I mention cramps? because there were NONE) but it came a whole 5 days early. I am so stinkin` lucky! Like I said it snuck up on me and I've had to wear my shawl around my waist all day. Some days I just LOVE being a girl.

I was fine one minute and then all of the sudden... EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!

Did I mention that I'm wearing my brand new slacks? Never been worn before today? Karma, you there? I get it, now get off my back and out of my underwear. You bitch.

Luckily the PMS did not pass me by. But I think you figured that one out for yourself.

___________________________

I have been extraordinarily busy. My favorite (haha) co-worker has been at home sick for 2 days and I am so amazed by the amount of actual work I have managed to get done in her absence. I'm very proud of myself, and for some reason (CLUE? hello?) it dawned on me that while she is here SHE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME and I can't get anything done. I hope she stays home again tomorrow. Maybe I'll make a good showing right before my yearly review. How awesome am I?

___________________________

Tomorrow night the nursing home is hosting a Halloween Party. I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome hanging out with the elderly and taking their candy while the smell of urine and Pine Sol linger in the air.

Friday night is Trick or Treat time for the kiddos and I'm looking forward to seeing Molly's face while she is running around like a heathen asking weirdos for candy. Then I can't wait to raid her stash because I am an awesome mom and I'm just trying to save her teeth. Yeah, that's it. Her teeth. Saving.

Saturday is ROAD TRIP time! Were going to a friends house over 2 hours away in the country for a bon fire. Cuddling up around a giant fire roasting marshmallows is just the mini-vacation I need. It will be a busy weekend but I am so ready for it.

Hell, maybe I'll get lucky and co-worker will be gone on Friday as well.

A girl can dream right?

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Co-workers bug me..but what's new?

During our weekly staff meeting yesterday I told our 2 facility directors no less than 3 times that the eleventy billion boxes full of candy/books/tchotchke's/program materials/etc... needed to leave my office TODAY. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow and most importantly not next week. TODAY.

And if your car isn't big enough, we can load up my van I will deliver them to you later after your staff arrives. No less than 3 times. Still? One of our directors loaded up my van with half of the boxes, closed the back of my van and left without telling anyone. I cannot express to you just how much in a bunch my panties got. Yes I said got. My least favorite word. Suck it.

He left half of the boxes here. The other director promised me that he would send one of his staff back to the office with the facility van and pick up the boxes. It's Tuesday morning and I'm still holding my breath. And turning blue mind you. I just don't understand why people cannot follow simple instructions. I just don't understand.

I'm not sure that I will be able to hold back my anger and my contempt for irresponsible and inept employees. I am the administrative manager over the entire company, I'm basically second in command. If I want you and tell you to get the boxes out of my dinky, running out of room, so not a storage facility office then I fucking mean it. I'm not pulling your leg and I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe something came up. The one dude just left. So guess what? I'm giving the boxes he left to the other director.

Shithead.

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V-8 Moment

This sign sums up my ranting post about my Obama sign being stolen. I totally should have thought of this. This is awesome!!!

Tragedy

This is probably the most horrible thing I have ever had to write. It's still hard to think about it without getting goose pimples and teary eyed. I never thought that such a horrific thing would ever happen to me. It has rocked me to my core and I will never be the same.

I am forever changed by this event. There is no going back, I have lost my innocence. Life is no longer carefree and full of rainbows and butterflies. It's a dark, hazy world now. There is no joy to be had.

Everything is tainted. *

It all started yesterday. When I left home it was like every other day. I took Molly to daycare, then dropped Eugene off at school, picked up a donut for breakfast and drove to the office. I arrived at approximately 8:00 am just like I always do. I sat down at my desk, turned on my computer and checked my email while enjoying my coffee and a cream filled donut (glazed, not chocolate).

Everything was normal. I had no reason to think that something was going to go horribly wrong. It was business as usual. I know I could not have predicted it and there was nothing that I could have done different but it will haunt me until the day I die.

After checking my email and responding to those that needed immediate attention I excused myself to go to the ladies room. The restrooms in our office building are locked. You have to have a key to get in. Safe and secure. Right? I had no reason to think otherwise.

What happened next.....(deep breath, relax) was off the charts. There is no way a person could imagine anything more horrible. I put my key into the lock, turned it and opened the door. I flipped the light switch on (because it's hard to find the toilet in the dark) and locked the door from the inside. I was locked in, everyone else was locked out. I opened the stall door and the blood rushed from my face. I felt faint.


There it was....



Right in front of me....

The toilet paper was installed so that it dangled underneath instead of rolling over the top.


I know, I know. The horror.

I'll just let you take a minute and absorb that. (No pun intended)

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Have you dried your eyes? Are you okay? Alright. Now comes the hard part. I have a picture. If your squeamish you may want to stop reading right now and close your browser because this is not pretty. It will haunt you and you may never get the image out of your head and I will not pay for your counseling. I just won't do it. You've been warned.

For those who want to view the offending photo please scroll down. Otherwise, please leave now.


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Do you see it?? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I regret doing this to you. Really. (ha ha, ho ho, he he, snort)

*I said "taint"ed.

Okay, I've had my 13 year old boy moment. You may resume your day.

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Un-inspirational blogger

A while back I followed a blogger. I won't give out her information as she is still an active blogger with a large following and I'm just not up to people accusing me of attacking her, even if they are right.

She and I have the same medical condition which is why I started following her. That, and the fact that she is a lesbian and was trying to get pregnant at the same time that I was. We also both suffered a miscarriage right around the same time. Our worlds seems to have been revolving around each other.

At first, I could totally relate to everything she was going through. From the physically draining medical condition to the frustration of not being able to get pregnant on the first or the millionth try. I could sympathize with almost everything. She was my voice. Someone KNEW exactly what I was going through.

As time went on and I kept reading her blog I noticed that each post was a carry over from the previous one. The same complaints, the same angry and frustrated ramblings. Every single post. Eventually we both got pregnant and we both had healthy babies. I continued to follow her blog faithfully. But her complaints continued. Every day. Every post. The same thing. Complain, whine, bitching and moaning about the exact same things.

She wasn't just a broken record, she was a broken record that was super glued to the turntable with a direct wire into an electric outlet. It never fucking stopped. I can't believe this woman didn't just pack it all in, take a flying leap and end it all. She made me want to open a vein.

So one day I decided I had enough. I just couldn't read one more depressing entry about how horrible her body feels, her guilt about not being the perfect mother, her frustrations with her partner, how overwhelmed life is, problems with her step-child, the unhealthy way she hung onto the pregnancy she lost, even her post titles reflected her daily self-deprecation. "Denial", "Depression", "Anger". I stopped reading her blog. I had to.

It had been well over a year since I read her blog. Long enough that it took me 3 days to remember the title of her blog. I thought I would just hop over there and see what was going on in her life and not surprisingly it is the same old shit. Only now it's complaining about having to return to work, toddler woes, more depression, etc...etc..., just shoot me in the head now. How can one person continually be so negative about EVERYTHING? It has to be exhausting to complain so much.

I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her partner. I feel sorry for her readers. I don't understand how she has kept so many followers. Get some counseling or something but STOP IT! The lady can do some serious bubble busting. She even said in one of her posts that she was a pathetic blogger.

Unfortunately I couldn't agree more.

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You try to poop with grown man outside your window

I was supposed to work late, but the janitorial service showed up just as I was headed to the bathroom to drop my contents. I decided that I would rather stink up my own bathroom than to hear Tashiqua tell her home girl "Oh no she di'unt! Why girl goan stink up da bafroom like dat? Das nasty!" Like she's a delicate flower who doesn't poop.

I decided to go ahead and go home so I could poop in the peace and quiet of my own bathroom at the far end of the house, with the door shut. Without worry that someone would follow 5 minutes later and possibly acknowledge loudly to the world that I had just pooped. The levels of mortification would push me over the edge.

Drive, curse, flip other driver the finger, drive, park, run to the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhh, relief is soon upon me.

(mumble mumble)

What the hell?

(mumble mumble)

Who is that? It sounded like there were men having a conversation right outside the bathroom window. That can't be true, the dog run is right outside the bathroom window. It must be someone in the neighbors yard.

(mumble mumble)

Just relax, don't pay any attention to (mumble mumble, hahahaha).

Damn. Damn it. Damn.

Close your eyes and block out the (mumble mumble)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, I can do this. Ignore the voices.

(mumble mumble)

What the? That sounds like... NO! It can't be!! I strained to listen. (mumble mumble)

OH MY GOD!! It was my son! He was on the phone!!! He sounded like a grown man!! With a deep voice and OH MY GOD when did his voice drop that low? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY????

I hate age 15, it turned him into this...this..little man type person with a grown up voice and I don't like it ONE DAMN BIT!

Suffice it to say, I abandoned poopville to go tell Lin what happen. I give her way too many things to laugh at me about. She snickered. More than snickered, she bellowed. Bitch. How I love her so, even though she laughs and makes fun of me.

At least we will have stories to tell the grandchildren.

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My girl

I thought I would share one of my favorite pictures of Molly.

Several people have emailed me asking why I named her Molly. Molly isn't her real name. Her name is not very common and her great grandma has called her Molly since before she was born, so for the purposes of this blog, her name is Molly.

But I no have

Molly and I have settled into a nightly routine that I hope will last a couple more (10) years. I will put her in pajamas, we go into the bedroom and I will put on my pajamas while she crawls into bed and then we read a couple of books before going to sleep.

I am enjoying this alone time with her more than I thought I would. We snuggle up and talk about the book were reading and she identifies the pictures and she gives me hugs and kisses and tells me that she loves me. Who wouldn't love that kind of attention from an aloof 2 year old? Lin is clearly her favorite, but at bedtime she asks for me. Being the favorite if only for a little while makes all of the crap from the day melt away. And as my friend Monty the redneck would say "That makes me happier than a puppy with two peckers." I'm not sure what that means except really freakin' happy.

Last night after I put on my silk night shirt she touched it and said "Ooohhhh soft". I said "Yes, it's very soft" and she reached out to rub the shirt, and patted my left tata instead. Then she said "Boobies. Mommy's boobies."

Then she lifted up her shirt, looked at her chest then looked at my chest and said "But I no have boobies!"

She was very upset about it. I can't believe body image issues start this early. I'm in so much trouble in about 10 years. Or less.

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Suicide

Ways in which I have thought about taking myself out of this world:


Hanging: If it was good enough for mom.....

Overdose: I have enough medication in my home to kill a herd.

Intentional car wreck: I am too afraid that I would kill someone innocent.

Cutting my wrists: I'm a big chicken...I've sliced my finger open.. bad... that shit hurts.

Gun: I have a gun in my house, I could never use it. My g/f would never forgive herself for having it and I would be too afraid one of my children would find me.

Drowning: Swimming out to the middle of a lake and treading water until I was too exhausted to swim back....even though I'm terrified of drowning.

Jumping: I love heights but I'm afraid of heights. I know that doesn't make sense.

Suffocation: Movie: The life of David Gale.

Carbon Monoxide: This is the most alluring...you just have to fall asleep.



Ways in which I have imagined myself dying:


Terrible car crash in which I am burned to death. I know. My mind is a total freak.

Aneurysm. Quick pain and then it's lights out.

Gang banger busting into my office and poppin' a cap in my ass. I don't know what to say, I work in a shady part of town. My imagination runs wild.

Disgruntled employee. See above. *sigh* I know.

Home invasion. Ack! It happens and it scares me. I just keep praying that if it happens, I'm home alone. This also explains my obsession with locking our doors at all times during the day.

Heart attack. It's hereditary and it scares me. Obviously not enough to curb my appetite for steak and fried chicken.

Cancer. I've known a few people with cancer. It's a horrible way to die and I figure with my luck, this is the way I will go. I just hope it isn't stomach cancer because it's bad enough that I have IBS. I can't imagine anything more painful.

Airplane dropping out of the sky: I know this is a huge long shot. But it happens! And what a coincidence that my house is directly below the flight path to the airport.

Obscure medical condition: Blame it in my House obsession. I just love that show.

Car accident near a body of water: Because you know I would totally hit the water and my seat belt would get stuck and I wouldn't be able to get of the car. I am lucky like that.

Regardless of what you think of this post, I'm really not suicidal. I have a preoccupation with death and dying. I am convinced that regardless of how I die, I know it will be traumatic and dramatic. I fear it even though I think about it often. Call it an obsession rather than preoccupation. Either way, it's always on my mind.

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The great puppy caper

As I said previously we rescued a puppy. I use to word "rescue" loosely. So loose even Paris Hilton's vagina is jealous. Okay so we stole him. Don't be judging the puppy stealer's, it's not our fault. If dumbass people didn't buy puppies from a puppy mill, get them home and realize that they are a lot of work, you know because they need to eat, drink, poop, pee and breathe and then chain them up in their front yard for a week straight in the Oklahoma heat when they have a perfectly large, fenced in backyard with a ton of shade AND a doghouse then their puppies would not get stolen rescued! So save your judgemental tendencies for Sarah Palin, because she deserves it.

Okay, this is how it happened. Lin drives by a particular house on her way home every day. And for a week this poor little dog was chained up in the front yard. No shade. It was hot. Really, really hot. Did I mention that he was chained up? Because he was CHAINED UP. With chains! Every day she drove by this house and every day that poor dog was there. Just lying there all pathetic and needing someone who would love him in an air conditioned environment and get him a haircut because we won't be having any long-haired doggy hippies at our house. She actually thought he was dead at one point.

She finally told me about it so I said "Well, I guess were going to have to go steal rescue a dog tonight. After dark. With gloves on and discussing whether or not we need to put tape over the dome light and which one of us is driving and which one of us might possibly get bitten while trying to free this dog. Dog-napping takes planning y'all.

So we waited. After it got dark we took off into the night. We circled the block 3 times to make sure no one was watching and that the owners of the dog were indeed STILL not home. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was so nervous and so afraid of getting caught, or shot. It would be difficult to explain away a gunshot wound. Especially to my boss and my mom.

We parked about a half a block away. I figured the less time I'm seen running down the street with a dog the better. I opened the door, put on my gloves and ran! The dog started barking at me but I put my fear aside, reached down and started to pet him and he rolled over and showed me his belly. This was a good sign that he wasn't going to chew my hand off. I grabbed his collar and tried to free him from the chain only I couldn't get the clasp open. After what seemed like forever and I'm sure it was probably only a few seconds, I flung my gloves off and opened the clasp. I grabbed my gloves, scooped the dog into my arms and ran like my ass was on fire.

I jumped into the car and we took off. The dog apparently had never had anyone pet him because his tail was wagging so fast it created a gust of wind. He was so excited. After we drove down the street a little I turned on the dome light and discovered that yes indeed the dog was male (I knew this because he had testicles.) What surprised me was that he was a puppy. We had assumed that it was a full grown dog, but his poochy little belly gave him away.

So that is how Claude joined our little, albeit expanding family.

We took him to the vet to get his shots and to get his nuts chopped off and the veterinarian said he was about 5 months old. Poor puppy. I am still so mad at the people who chained him up. He has turned out to be the sweetest little boy. He's still very hyper especially when we first get home or when strangers come over but he's slowly learning how to behave and the house training is going well. He rarely has accidents in the house.

We are convinced we made the right decision and we would do it over again. He needed us and I'm convinced now more than ever that we needed him.


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So I bought another.....

Let me just start by saying that I'm not big on politics. I try to do my part by keeping up with issues and weighing both sides in an effort to make informed decisions. I don't preach to anyone about my ideals and beliefs and I won't listen to others who try to preach to me. I don't judge others for how they feel or how they choose to vote. It's none of my business.

This election has me more stirred up than any other election. I think it's the thought of Sarah Palin being in a position that might make her the leader of our country, and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. Initially I was so happy to learn that a woman would be running for VP because it meant that this election will be a great one in the history books. We will either have a black man in the oval office or a woman as the President's right hand. I was absolutely thrilled. The only thing that would make this election better is if Obama were a black gay woman. Now THAT would change history in great proportions. Of course, like many people, after getting a glimpse of the kind of person she is and the kind of politics Palin stands for I'm extremely fearful of her being in ANY type of leadership role let alone the position of VP. This woman is scary. Okay, my feelings on Palin could be an entire blog post on it's own. Moving on.

This election I decided to get a little more involved. Maybe involved is too strong of a word, I should probably say I decided to show my colors this time around. I went out and purchased a yard sign. A simple yard sign that said "Obama/Biden". Nothing fancy, just a sign to show my support. Everywhere you look people have political signs adorning their yards or car bumpers, making their political affiliation public knowledge. When I asked Lin if she was okay with a yard sign, she expressed concern about our house getting egged or being vandalized. Although I felt she had legitimate concerns, it really never crossed my mind that something along those lines would ever happen. We were go for a yard sign. A yard sign that I paid $5.00 for. A sign that I purchased during my lunch break instead of getting something to eat. A sign that would be displayed proudly on my gay front lawn.

I had to pick my son up from school after I purchased the sign, so when I dropped him off at home I installed my Obama sign. I put it about 10 feet from the street and about 2 feet from the driveway. It wasn't so close to the street that someone driving by could grab it but close enough that it would be noticed by anyone who passed by. As I drove away I was very proud of that sign. I was showing my support and my neighbors and those who drove down my street would know exactly who I will be voting for this year. It was my first political yard sign. I felt so grown up, so satisfied with the political party I had chosen to support, so happy to know that my opinion, my vote will make a difference. If nothing else, my vote cancels out some McCain lovin' Republicans vote. Satisfaction baby. I has it.

I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. It's Friday after all, my co-worker has the day off and it's OU/Texas weekend. Those of you who know me, understand without a doubt what a treat it is for me that my co-worker is not here today. The word "Joy" comes to mind. We have no plans this weekend to speak of with the exception of Eugene, who will be attending a youth rally at church tomorrow. I want to lounge around the house in my sweatpants with my hair up in a ponytail, color with my daughter and work crossword puzzles with my lovely girlfriend. Ahh yes, it was a good mood indeed. The mood did not last long.

I was violated. I feel betrayed, preyed upon and victimized.

Some douche-nozzle stole my Obama yard sign. Not only did they steal my sign, but every Democratic yard sign on not only my block but several blocks. The only signs left were in support of various Republican candidates. It's not hard to figure out what type of person did the thieving. Some idiot Republican who thinks stealing yard signs is going help their political party. I have some news for you Palin pushin' asshats. You have done nothing but ensure that I will do everything possible to make sure that not only will I vote for Obama and every single person on the Democratic ticket but I will also make sure to tell everyone I know that all of the Obama yard signs in my neighborhood were stolen by a dickhead, obviously morally challenged Republican. (It's not like you've never heard of a morally challenged Republican....it shouldn't come as a surprise.)

Then, I will go purchase another Obama yard sign which in turn will bring more money to the Democratic party which will only help get Obama's message to more people, resulting in more votes which creates a path right to the White House. So, you flea-bitten scumbag sign stealer, your efforts are all in vain and your thievery has backfired. How do you like me now?

I'm sure some Republican out there is going to say that us Democrats swiped our own signs in order to blame it on the Republicans and make them look bad. That's like saying I gave myself a bad haircut to make it seem like a have a shitty hairdresser.

Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense.

Neither does voting for McCain & Palin.


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Putting my foot down. Sort of.

Maybe I'm wrong, or selfish, or both. BUT, I don't think it's fair to make an appointment with a co-worker to go over a specific project and then said co-worker takes a 2 hour and 15 minute lunch and then has to go run a legitimate errand that delays things another hour.

I moved on to another project that I put off expecting her to be here. I started on that project and was in the middle of it when she showed up wanting to get started.

Is it fair that I have to stop what I'm doing to accomodate her? No, I don't think it is. And I won't stand for it! Well, I won't stand for it AFTER TODAY. Yeah, after today. Because we really need to get this project done. So, only for today will I put up with it, but by golly after today I am putting my foot down. Hard. Well, not too hard, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be rude. But I will be firm. But kind! It's always a good thing to be kind.

*sigh*

I'm a pussy aren't I?

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Working with a ......

I have a real hard time feeling any type of sympathy for my co-worker. She complained to me today that she received ONLY $600 of her child support this month.

(Blank stare, internal cursing & feet stomping)

ONLY $600???? Wow.

I know that everything is relative and there is a reason she gets what she does, but Holy child support Batman! She went on and on about having to reel things in because her ex couldn't pay the full amount and it put her in a bind and blah blah blah, cry me a fucking river.

I get $174 a month. That is all. The child support I get every month does not even cover my sons monthly braces payment let alone his 4 different medications or any other cost.

I was so jealous of her my head almost popped off.

Jealous. Gah. Whine. Pout.


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