Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Enough with the sickness already!

Okay, if I haven't sufficiently annoyed the hell out of my 3 readers with all of my whining and complaining about all the sick that is going on at our house, let me just keep talking about it and see if I can push the meter from "slightly annoyed" to "completely over it", mmmkay?

The coughing. Oh dear God the coughing. It's like dueling banjos in our house. I'll cough then Lin will cough. If one of us had missing teeth, the picture would be complete. And, of course Molly thinks it funny and will put her hand over her mouth and fake cough. It's adorable, but at the same time, we have coughed enough for her to have learned to mock us. There is just something not right about that.

I did start antibiotics yesterday so I'm hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling better. The coughing has to ease up at some point because my ribs and abs are so sore that eventually my body will refuse to cough and then the cough will have no where to go and my butt will probably explode.

The end


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Will work for cough medicine! Really!

Still sick, blah, whatever. That prescription that took so much energy and effort to get last week? GONE! Of course, it didn't help that there were two of us wolfing it down every 3 hours. Mmmmmmm Codeine.

I threw in the towel and decided that maybe, just maybe I need to get in to see my doctor. So I called this morning to make an appointment and she can't see me until Thursday afternoon. I hope I'm still alive by then because this cough drains the life right out of me. Not to mention the wheezing and feeling like I can't get enough air into my lungs. So yeah, I might be dying for all I know, but by golly I'll wait until Thursday to see the doc!

The whole situation sucks because both Lin and I are sick which means that Eugene has taken on the parental role and is taking care of the house, dinner and Molly. He's such a good little slave helper. He will be awarded with lots of praise, maybe an iTunes card and some M&M's. 14 year old boys still accept M&M's as payment right? No?

Monday, February 25, 2008

How to annoy the ever lovin' shit out of me.

Here's a hint: When I ask you if you are pooping and your reply is for your face to turn red and say "no" while grunting, I'm so not buying your answer.

Take the 2 chocolate kisses from MY mug that is sitting on MY desk WITHOUT PERMISSION. Gah! Fart knocker.

Refer to me as a receptionist ONE MORE TIME and we'll see what kind of "reception" you get tomorrow when you open your desk. OFFICE MANAGER! Say it with me! OFFICE MANAGER!

Tell me I'm going to laugh my ass off. Imagine my surprise when I didn't!

Talk to me from another room and then expect me to hear. I'm laughing at you in the other room because you would think after 7 years you would get that I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Annoying!!!!

The song Umbrella ella ella is annoying ing ing ing.

Be a contestant on a reality show and then complain about how you were betrayed and it's not fair and whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeee. Did you not watch the show the eleventy billion times it was on in the past 10 years? Did you not understand what it was about? I'm thinking your a sore loser and your ass so didn't look fat in that bikini. I SWEAR!

Insert the phrase "I meant" into every sentence you say because I meant I obviously didn't know what you meant.

All of the television stations conspired against me to show commercials at the same time making my "previous channel" button null and void. Fuckers.

Dora! Gah! I will not help you go over muddy mountain, through the farting forest, to Benny's fucking barn 'o fun! Oh and I killed the map, the map, the map, the map, the map.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Ode to cough syrup & run on sentences








Now come over here and give us a hug, I want to share this with you. This being the cough bitch that crushed my soul and then flipped me off before running off with my girlfriend and possibly my dog. He may just be hiding because he did not want to get peed on during my next coughing fit.

I tried Robitussin cough syrup, Mucinex, cough drops, Robintussin cough gels, and even my son's inhaler. Gotta love medicinal twitching! I was getting no relief whatsoever. *twitch* I called my doctor's office on Wednesday, they never called me back. Fuckers. So yesterday, I called again and waited and coughed and waited and coughed. They finally called me back and said "Oh, we called in a prescription for you yesterday, I'm sorry no one called you."



Are you fucking kidding me? Your killing me Smalls!!! I actually could have slept Wednesday night instead of coughing for hours on end and changing my undies at 2:00 am. GREAT!

So, after work I go to the pharmacy and they tell me that the medication that my doc called in no longer exists. NO LONGER EXISTS!



At that point, I think my head popped off. I'm not completely sure but I saw red and then I think I blacked out because I woke up with my head on backwards able to scratch that place on my back that I could never reach before. Go figure.

Now I'm beginning to wonder if my doc has Alzheimer’s or something because how in the world do you not know that a medication no longer exists? When I got home, I called the doctors office with every intention of being a complete spoiled bitch and leaving a nasty message on the machine and start looking for a new doc. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream but they wouldn’t be able to see me anyway and then I would just be a sad pathetic person throwing a tantrum for my own enjoyment and throwing myself on the floor would just be ridiculous at this supposed adult stage in my life.

However, I got lucky. The message on their machine gave out the on-call doc's number so I called it and calmly explained everything to the answering service and waited for the on-call doc to call me back and 10 minutes later she called and lo and behold my doc was the on-call doc and she remembered who I was and remembered the medication she called in and apologized and apparently the FDA recalled a bunch of upper respiratory meds and she didn't realize that was one of them so she called in a new one, I had to wait an hour before I could pick it up and when I did go to pick it up they didn't want to give it to me because it had Codeine in it and I'm allergic to Codeine, but I can take synthetic Codeine and it took 10 minutes of begging and telling the pharmacist that I in fact would not die and for the love of GOD please give me the damn cough syrup before I lose my shit!

It took about an hour for the medication to kick in, but once it did, it was fucking awesome! I felt so much better, but then I had to plug in the heating pad because my back, ribs and stomach muscles were so damn sore from coughing so much and does that count as a workout and will it tone my abs?The medication was gooooood. When I say good I mean it knocked me on my ass enough that I could care less that I had an entire basket of undies to wash.

Good times.

Ode to cough medicine








Now come over here and give us a hug, I want to share this with you. This being that bitch of a cough that crushed my soul and then flipped me off before running off with my girlfriend and possibly my dog. He may just be hiding because he did not want to get peed on during my next coughing fit.


C is for Cookie

and coma. Apparently.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


"Huge, thick and amazingly long - all this can be yours"

They're talking about hair right?
Huge, thick and amazingly long HAIR right?

Monday, February 18, 2008


To the fuck wad who broke into Lin's car last night:

You sir, are an asshole. I wanted to let you know that we appreciate you not taking the credit cards, it was so nice of you to not inconvenience us by making us call 20 different credit card companies. That was so considerate of you. Big kisses.

I understand that you probably came from disadvantaged circumstances, maybe your daddy hit you and your mama never gave you love. You’re probably addicted to crack or something so you needed money so you could get your fix. You poor thing you.

You took my sons Nintendo DS. Fucker. Although I kind of like the idea of him not having a single video game, he never did a thing to you. You broke his heart; I hope that you choke on your crack pipe.

We will however miss the $3.00 you took. That was donut money dude. So! Fucking! Wrong! You are depriving my girlfriend of her morning donuts, that will cause a chain reaction, and I am sure that someone who works for her will get fired today.

Your theft is like a domino effect, how does it feel to put someone out of work for a measly $3.00 and a Nintendo? Fucker. I hope that $3.00 goes a long way toward your next fix.

And this is the part where I call you a dumbass for the best demonstration of your mental faculties because you left the very expensive set of knives that were in the back. Dude, you could have totally scored. DUMB! ASS!

I wish you a long life in prison performing fellatio for cigarettes. May your drug habit cause you to itch uncontrollably, may your house fly away courtesy of spring tornadoes and may you become impotent.

Hugs and Kisses,


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Snowballs chance in hell

I thought I would share this little story. Just to give you a little peek into my world.

I woke up at about 6:15 this morning, the kids were still asleep and Lin was getting ready for work. I turned on the TV to watch the weather because if it was slick outside I wanted warn Lin to please be careful driving to work today honey because I don't want to lose you because you didn't know that it was slick outside and Oh God please heed my warning! I care about her that much. Anyway, I watched the weather then I went in the bedroom to let her know what the weather was doing, it went something like this:

Me: "Hey honey, it's raining out, the main roads are pretty clear but the overpasses and bridges are getting a bit slushy. It's going to warm up a little so it won't be bad later."

Her: *patronizing smile"

Me: "What?"

Her: "Nothing."

Me: "No, what is it?"

Her: "Well, I looked out the window and I could see that the roads were wet so I assumed it was raining."

Me: "Oh."

Her: "I'm not like you, I don't have to compulsively check the weather, I know when it's bad."

Me: "Alright then."

So later when the temperature drops and it starts snowing and she comes home all "Wow, its snowing, I didn't know it was going to snow." I'll be all "Pffftt, if you hadn't dismissed me this morning because you were too smart to listen to what I had to say you would have known that it was going to snow. But noooooooooo, you looked out the window instead. Who's the suckah now biotch?"

Then I will spike the ball and do the chicken dance.


Friday, February 15, 2008

Dora! Diapers! Hate!

A while back we got the bright idea to buy Molly the pull up type of diaper because she is so smart and surely this whole potty training thing will be a snap. Stupid foolish girls we were. She hated them. HATE. So I put them in a plastic bag and hung them on her coat rack. Did you read that? "potty training thing will be a snap". I deserve to be bitch slapped.

I guess she just wasn't ready for them and why should she be? She's getting too much enjoyment out of tearing off her regular diapers, throwing them at me and running down the hall while peeing on my carpet and then freaking out because OH MY GOD THERE IS PEE ON MY LEG! MY SKIN IS MELTING OFF! AM GOING TO DIE!

I was cleaning her room the other day and found a whole bag of diapers. Her size! What luck! I took them into the living room to ask Lin where they came from and then it dawned on me that they were the pull-ups that we put away, but I had already made a fatal mistake.

Molly saw them, they have DORA! on them. She freaked completely out when I tried to stuff it back in the bag and act all innocent like oh no it totally wasn't Dora! and you are out of your mind little girl. Yeah, it soooo didn't work. So I caved and gave one to her and she smiled and then I realized that her smile is why we are going to be in so much trouble when she's a teenager.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Thursday again?

I thought yesterday was Thursday for HOURS! I kept thinking "Woohoo! One more day until the weekend and I get sit on my ass, eat Cinnamon Toast and watch re-runs of Bevery Hills 90210 (Donna Martin Graduates!).

Alas, my glee was short lived. Imagine my huge disappointment when the email reminder to pick up Eugene popped up on my screen. "Whaaaaa? Ah FUCK! It's Wednesday! Not Thursday!" *sigh* I nearly wept.

My co-worker Amanda just laughed and said "Sucks don't it", which would be totally funny if I had not said the EXACT same thing to her last week when SHE thought Thursday was Friday. There is some lesson to be learned here but I'm too busy sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling "La la la la la la, I can't hear you!"

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Granny is a lesbo

Last night I had to pick up some framed posters at Hobby Lobby. While waiting for the clueless girl behind the framing counter to find the posters a much older woman walked up to the counter. By "much" older I mean her wrinkles had wrinkles. She was at least 75 if not older.

Her hair was silver/white and cut high & tight. She wore a mens button up flannel (why is it always flannel?) shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. Over that she wore a jean jacket and she was carrying a small backpack rather than a purse. She was wearing faded blue jeans and worn out hiking boots. To the untrained eye she probably didn't garner a second look, but as soon as I saw that her wallet was hooked to a chain and the chain dangled against her hip, there was no doubt in my mind that she had received her free toaster upon her membership to the sisterhood.

Her face was full of character and her crows feet were prominent. In my mind they showed how much happiness and laughter she has had in her life. Hopefully it was happiness from being with the woman she loves. Her face was aged and I'm sure she was wise beyond my years, a wisdom I can only hope to achieve someday.

I don't know what type of picture she had framed, but I would like to think that it was something sentimental. Maybe something a partner had created just for her. Maybe she was the artist and painted a picture of the love of her life. I didn't stay long enough to find out, I wish I had. But then again, what if the picture had been a giant green chicken doing the Macarena? It would have ruined the idea I had of her in my head.

Will my beautiful girlfriend be as aged, graceful and wise as I had pictured this woman to be? I certainly hope so. When she is 75 or 80 I hope Lin is still wearing her boots, faded blue jeans and letting the chain on her wallet dangle against her hip. I'm certain that she will still turn me on, that I will still get butterflies in my stomach when she looks at me and that I will still have the desire to kiss her soft lips.

Thanks little old lady in the Hobby Lobby store. I owe you one