Friday, September 26, 2008

Here kitty, kitty, kitty

This shit only happens to me. I'm convinced of that. I must have been pure evil in my former life to deserve this.

When leaving work the other day I put my car in reverse and started backing out of the parking lot. I thought I heard someone yell "Help, help!" So I turned down my radio and I heard it again. Only it's wasn't "Help, help!" it was "meow, meow!". I listened harder. "Meow, meow!"

No. fucking. way.

There was a cat inside the engine of my car. I put the car in drive, pulled back into the parking space, turned the engine off, popped the hood and started examining the engine.

I could hear it, but I couldn't see it. I kept thinking "Great, there's probably half a cat splattered all over the inside of my engine. "Meow!" At least it's the bottom half.

It was raining. I didn't have an umbrella*. I was not amused. I called Lin.


"Hey, how do you get a cat out of an engine?"


"Cat. Engine. Need it out. Need it out now."

"How the fuck did you get a cat caught in your engine?"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I heard it when I was leaving work and it's in my engine and it's meowing really loud and I can't see it and it's meowing and it's raining and it's meowing and I want it out!"

Then it poked it's little head out for 2.5 seconds and I realize that it's not a cat, it's an itty bitty kitten type imitation of a full grown cat.

"Shit!! It's a kitten, it's a little baby kitten. Damn kitten! Get the hell out!"

"Calm down, I can't come help you right now, can I send Danny over to help?"

"No, I'll go see if my boss can help. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

I called up to my office and told Amanda what was going on and asked her to ask our boss for help. Amanda came down the stairs 5 minutes later. Did I mention that it's raining? I have no umbrella and I'm soaking wet and it's raining? With all of the rain?

She came to my rescue with a can of tuna. That kitten was so tiny, I felt so sorry for him. Every time we tried to reach for him he jumped back into my engine. Little fucker. I finally made a bold grab for him preparing myself for the possibility that he could bite me or claw my face off and I would have to take him and have his head cut off and tested for rabies. Not that I overreact to these type of situations or anything, and not that I get into these type of situations a lot or anything. Ahem.

So I wrapped the kitten up in a towel and drove him home where my dogs flipped out completely. We weren't going to keep it regardless but it was funny watching the dogs go berserk.

Kitty went to the pound. Poor kitty.

* After it was said and done, there was an umbrella in the back of my car the whole time. Stupid kitty.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Lazy to the max and a crappy diagram

I have to get this off my chest. I try not to bad mouth my co-workers but sometimes they make it too easy. Okay, that is not true. I love to bad mouth my co-workers, but only the ones who give me reason to. It just so happens that unfortunately for them sometimes those reasons are minuscule and totally depend on if they pissed me off that day. And if I've had coffee.

My office has 3 rooms. All 3 rooms make up a rectangle. The main entrance is in front of my desk. My office is connected to the conference room which is connected to my boss's office. There is a partition behind my desk and my co-workers desk is on the other side. The kitchenette is also on the other side of the partition as well. Here...I drew a diagram.
(so sorry about the'm stupid. Just note that the office on the far left is my boss's office and the little square on the bottom right hand side is my co-workers area.)
(Just click on the image for a better view)

This is what happened:

She is sitting at her desk, my boss is sitting at his desk. They are about 30 feet apart, if not less.
She called him on his cell phone so she wouldn't have to get up off her lazy ass and walk to his office.

I wonder what he thought of that and never in my life have I ever wanted to be able to read minds more than I did at that moment.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Tales of working with a.....

Me: "Amanda, there is a gentleman on the phone who is doing a paper about non-profit funding and grant writing. Should he talk to you or to Mike?"

Amanda: "Well, since nobody should have to take this call, I guess I will be the one to sacrafice and talk to him."

Me: "Don't do that."

Amanda: "Don't do what?"

Me: "Play the martyr, you don't do it well."

Amanda: "Hmmpff!"


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Great State Fair

We didn't go last year. I'm not sure why, but at the time I'm sure I had a good reason. I just won't remember that reason for another 2 years. Short term memory problems are good like that.

Our biggest goal was for Molly to be able to ride the rides because she is fearless and we knew it would be huge fun for her. Who knew that even in the "Lil Pardner" section you still had to be 36" to ride. Some of the ride operators wouldn't let her on, but then we got wise and carried her to each ride so they wouldn't see exactly how not 36" she was. It worked. I have lots of pictures. They're still on the camera but at least I took them and I'm sure in 3 or 4 weeks I'll download them to the laptop. Until then you can use your imagination. Here, I will help.

Picture a 2 year-old girl, not yet 36" tall, screaming her head off because she doesn't yet know the concept of "wait your turn". She has chocolate on her shirt, her hair is wild and she is the one yelling "WANT TO RIDE NOW!" Once she gets on the ride she grins from ear to ear and then throws a huge fit in front of everyone because "I WANT TO RIDE AGAIN!" and then we repeat the whole "wait your turn" non concept getting.

And there you have it. Except, add sunburns to everyone because we had no idea we were outside long enough to get a sunburn because we only go to the fair to buy the jams, jellies, salsas and trinkets that we don't need. Oh and can I just say that Made in Oklahoma Honey ROCKS! AND if you ever get a chance to buy this salsa then you better because it is so good I can eat a bottle in one day.

Okay, we also go to people watch. There isn't anything funnier than watching a bunch of rednecks dress up in their best Metallica t-shirt, get drunk and ride the rides until they puke. Everybody has their personal favorites. This one is mine. Judge me if you will. I also get to pass judgement when I see the line in front of the Deep Fried Twinkies booth is a mile long. And that line is full of fat people. *Fat people who are probably a deep fried twinkie away from a coronary event.

Molly finally gave out and slept in her wagon while we perused the buildings in search for the perfect jar of (insert anything Made in Oklahoma here) that we just had to have. I think we ended up with 5 different jars of stuff. We sampled the honey last night with our KFC biscuits and I can't wait to open up the rest. You just can't beat biscuits and honey. Mmmmm mmmmm. I don't sound like a redneck at all do I? DO I?

The only thing that puzzles me EVERY STINKING YEAR at the fair is women/girls who wear hooker heels to the fair. Why? I want to yank their heels off and beat the stupid girls in the head with them. Your feet will pay the price. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but they will get their revenge and I will laugh at you for having to wear orthopedic shoes by the time you are 30. Neener.

*please remember that it is okay for fat people to make fun of other fat people. It's not? Damn, I really must be a bitch. Heh. Nevermind then.


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So this blonde walks into a bar

OK, I don't know if she was blonde, and she didn't walk into a bar. She called me at work and it went a little something like this.


Me: "XYZ Company, this is Kathy."

Her: "Hi Kathy, my name is Gina, I am with blah blah company. Do you work there?"

Me: "No ma'am, I just answer the phones for fun."


Me: "Have a nice day"


It's the little moments in life that make me smile and keep me away from padded rooms.


Friday, September 5, 2008


For Sale:

15 year old boy
Good dish washer
Vacuums like nobody's business
$100 - That is a good bargain
Takes up very little room
Does not come with off switch (still working on the patent)
Comes complete with attitude (adjustment knob is broken...sorry)
PRICE REDUCTION! $75!! Get him before it's too late!
Free 2 week supply of ravioli with purchase
Must purchase as is - no refunds
But that's not all! Buy now and we will throw in a 1 month supply of ADHD medication, AND 3 tranquilizers to numb your senses when your first month is up! WHAT A DEAL!!
You don't want to miss out on this wonderful opportunity.
Free target to put on the back of his head when you need to smack some sense into him
Great diaper changer for those of you with babies and a great babysitter for the older kiddos
During this special offer, if you buy now we will slash the price to just $25!
Call now before it's too late!
Dance card needs to be upgraded because "rhythm-less white boy" is no longer compatible with current operating system.
If you call in the next 10 minutes we will include a muzzle, a geek speak translation book, and a free subscription to "My son is giving me ulcers can I tape his mouth shut?" Weekly.
For a limited time we are reducing the price yet again, get your teenage boy for just $5.00!!!
Call now! As a free gift we will include a guide to "Eye rolling and shrugging, how to beat it out of them."
And for a limited time we will remove the "I don't know" part of his speech!
You just can't beat this deal.
Okay...I'll pay you. $5.00?
Please take him.
I'm begging you.
I need the relief.
He knows how to mop, and clean toilets.
Give him a video game and you won't hear a peep from him for days. Just throw a couple of crackers at him a couple of time a day.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's all about the details

Lin, Molly and & I all came down with strep throat. Unfortunately for Molly we didn't find out we all had it until she had been sick with it for 4 days. You can wrap up my mother of the year award now, I'll take it to go.

Listerine + raging sore throat = a not so good idea. I had to pull Lin off of the ceiling and cram ice down her throat. How she figured that was a smart thing to do, I will never know. In the big scheme of things I'm sure she wishes that was a life lesson she didn't have to learn.

Lets talk herpes. Not vajayjay herpes, but the fever blister kind of herpes. I developed this tiny little blister on my bottom lip and I was extremely pro-active in the care of said blister. I put medication on it, but it continued to grow. I called my doc and asked her to please call in a prescription for me before the thing swallowed my face. I picked up the script and I proceeded to slather my lip in the thick, creamy, white balm. Then I waited. Then my lip exploded. Am so not kidding. Remember the scene in the movie The Nutty Professor where Eddie Murphy's lip popped out? That was mild compared to what happened to my lip. The next morning it was even worse. I cried. Then I cried some more. I called my boss and I cried. I called my doctors office, she wasn't in, so I cried. I called the pediatrician who told me to go to an urgent care clinic, then I cried. I called the urgent care clinic and they told me they were only taking babies for well check-ups, then I cried. Then I called Lin and I cried while she told me to go to the emergency room. I caved. I didn't want the expense of an emergency room visit but it seemed I had no choice.

This visit went relatively quick, I guess there aren't a lot of sick people at 8:30 on a Friday morning. Lucky me. Evidently I had an allergic reaction to the medication which in turn caused my lip to swell the fuck up and take my face hostage. Insert prescription for steroids, a 2 hour nap and a half a day later and I could finally see my eyes again.

I decided to give the fever blister a nick-name. I called it "thehugefuckingthingthatatemyface". It was more fitting than something like "Sugar Tits".

After having to use a straw for days on end I woke up one morning in my usual sleepy fog, made a cup of coffee, took a drink of that cup of coffee and then yanked the scab of that fever blister right off. As soon as I regained consciousness and cleaned up the blood I looked at the piece of flesh hanging from my Valentine heart coffee mug and I was so sure that half of my lip was missing. I ran to the mirror expecting to see some sort of freakish Freddy Kruger lip only to find that a small gouge was missing. Just a little divot, but that little divot hung on tight and hurt like a mother fucker.

Oh and when your sick, laying around your house and cursing like a sailor, make sure that your 2-year old daughter didn't hijack your cell phone and is having a conversation with your boss.



Tuesday, September 2, 2008

No more sick leave for me

Strep throat suuuuuckkssss. Details to come...


Why you shouldn't gargle Listerine whilst having a raging case of sore throat....

Fever blisters and what happens to them when you have an allergic reaction to medication....

Nick names for fever blisters that have their own zip code...

How to use and abuse your 15 year old while you are sick...

Why having 3 people in the family come down with strep throat at the same time is NOT a good idea....

Things you let your toddler get away with when you have strep throat...

and finally....

How much it hurts ripping the scab off a fever blister with a hot cup of coffee...