Gone fishing

Not really. I'm on a holiday break. As soon as I roll into the office on Monday post turkey coma I will fill you in on the food, the folk and the festivities.

Have a fantastic Black Friday! May your feet be quick so you can beat that bitch to the perfect pair of shoes, may your patience be grand because you know they will be training a new cashier when you try to check out and may your bank account not completely empty it's bowels in order to provide your loved ones with the latest in gadgetry, jewelry and fashion.

Smooches!

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A turkey gave it's life for you.....

.... so eat that sucker until you're full!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

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Guess who was in a big damn hurry to get our company Christmas cards printed and sent out?

Guess who didn't bring a proof back to the office for me to proofread?

Guess how many of those cards were stuffed in an envelope, addressed, sealed, stamped and ready to go to the post office?

Guess how many cards we had left?

Guess how many typos there were?

Let me sum it all up. My boss wanted to get Christmas cards out early this year because we have a history of getting them out the week of Christmas and it ends up being a very stressful event. So my boss took the graphic we were using and the mock up of the rest of the card that co-worker created and dropped it off at the printer. I'm not sure who approved the final piece for printing but a proof was never brought to our office for me to proofread.

So today, after co-worker and assistant stuffed all the cards into envelopes, put address labels on them, sealed them and stamped them with only 1 single card left to put in our archives, I decided to give the card a once-over.

Can you believe there was a typo? I know. SHOCKING! How do you not catch a big honkin` typo on a card with a minimal amount of information on it?

Holy BaJesus! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one here with a brain cell to spare.

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So there was this thing....

For the first time I faced a homophobe. A true homophobe. I could not believe the hatred this person could write. I was appalled and stunned and I cried for an entire afternoon over this. For one, this person said and I am quoting here:

"There are some people who were born with a greater tendency to be homosexual. It covers a wide range - some more of a tendency, some less. Everyone can overcome their tendency. But once you sanction the behavior as normal (i.e. allow them to marry) then many borderline homosexuals will cross over into that world. Imagine a teenage boy who has had a few frustrating experiences with girls. He may now be susceptible to forging an intimate relationship with a warm and caring man. Many, in our dysfunctional society, are simply blocked in expressing normal love relationships with the opposite sex. That just means that they are chosen to perfect that part of the Torah, by overcoming their inclinations."

Believe it or not, this was the least offensive thing she wrote.

My first reaction was to rip her a new one, but I suppose I needed to set a good example and be a reasonable, articulate homosexual rather than a belligerent angry dyke.

First of all, the word "tendency" is not a word I am a fan of when it is in reference to a reason for being gay. You tend to like men or you tend to like women. In my world there is no "ish" in tend. And for her to suggest that you can "overcome" is as ignorant as saying a black person can overcome the color of their skin, or that a person born with Downs Syndrome can overcome their handicap. We are all born the way we are for a reason. God chose me to be the way I am, the way you are, the way she is and the way he is. There is nothing to overcome, there is only a way to live and I chose to live the life I was born to live. Unfortunately that means because she is a total homophobic bible thumping idiot, she is entitled to not have to overcome that as well.

Secondly, there is no such thing as a borderline homosexual. Especially when in reference to someone who has had bad experiences with the opposite sex to the point where they switch sides. It's absurd to think that allowing gays to get married would make a straight person be susceptible to being pushed over the "gay" edge by a broken heart. Seriously, did she have her Mormon head stuck in the ass of Joseph Smith himself?

I have been thinking about the things this person said for two weeks. I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, cursing about it, poking needles in a voodoo doll and praying so that I may have the patience to deal with her and those who share her opinions. I'm not a stand out kind of gal. I go with the flow and try not to rock the boat but after this experience I may need a ladder to get off my high horse.

I didn't change the way she felt, I didn't expect to. I hope that I at least gave her an intelligent articulate view of things from someone who just happens to be a lesbian. I know that some people put the fact they are gay on their sleeve. It's who they are, it's how they live, it's the impressions that they leave. For me? Being a lesbian is a small part of who I am. I'm Kathy, I'm a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a lover of music, an artist, a human.

After you go through the list of the things I am, at the bottom is a single word. Lesbian. It defines a small part of who I am and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing on the list of things I am that I care to overcome.

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The gift of childbirth that keeps on giving

I sneezed and pissed my pants.

Once you give birth your girl bits just are not the same.

This is the same reason why I chose not to play on the moon bounce at a birthday party yesterday. The last time I got on anything bouncy. I pissed my pants.

Now I know why panty liners were really invented. Not so much for your light days but for women who have birthed babies and can no longer keep their urine inside their bladder at will.

Kegel who?

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The truth about sex & depression

I'm going to go out on a limb and talk about something very personal. Sex. I'm typically shy about this subject not only in doing it but talking about it. I'm trying to break through my shell. There are various reasons behind why I blush at the mere mention of sex and why I must have the light off and the covers yanked up to my chin. Let's just say my early experiences with sex have shaped who I am today and I'm trying to outgrow that shape.

For the last 2 years. Shit. Who am I kidding? For the last 3 to 4 years the sexual relationship between my girlfriend and I has been, well, practically non-existent. God love her for being so patient and understanding, I'm very lucky. Between trying to get pregnant and being worried about having sex while waiting to find out if we were pregnant and then getting pregnant and afraid to have sex because of previous miscarriages - our sex life went down hill. Fast. Like a speeding bullet. BAM! No nookie.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, then my father passed away and I became the poster child for postpartum depression. Between shredded nipples/pumping/dreading returning to work/a funeral and home life in general, I was a complete mess. Enough of a mess that people asked Lin on several occasions if I was okay. I was not okay, but I insisted that I was. Who wants to admit that they have lost control of their emotions. Of their life?

Not only did I start smoking again, but I starting taking anti-depressants. Right away I noticed a difference. I was able to cope with life a little bit better, I didn't obsessively check to make sure the baby was breathing 30 times before I was able to go to bed and when I did go to bed, I could finally sleep. I no longer handed the baby to Lin the minute she got home and then ran from the room because I had to get away from that baby. Oh, and wash my hair. I could finally wash my hair. I don't know why that task was so difficult, but it was overwhelming.

The down side to the medication is that it killed my vagina. I may as well have cut the thing off as much use as it was to me. I had no feeling "down there" whatsoever. Not even a hint of a tingle at anytime. Not no way, not no how. I couldn't even give myself an orgasm. THAT is how dead my vagina was. So when there is no sex, not even a hint of sex between 2 people that love each other very much, you start to grow distant. When the distance gets large enough, the kissing stops, the hugging stops, the cute emails, the telephone calls, the snuggling in bed and even the ability to just be cordial to each other. I started to grow resentful of having a partner that was no longer my lover. We were roommates who were co-parenting and it sucked. I went off my medication and that went about as well as a fart in a diving helmet. It stunk really bad and I thought I would never get through it.

I emailed Lin and asked one simple question: Did I function better when I was on meds? The answer was yes and as much as I didn't want to be a slave to medication, I knew I had to start taking them again. Ironically, the thought of going back on anti-depressant medication was depressing.

Then I quit smoking. That is a horror all it's own as well as another story for another time. My mental health grew stronger as my libido grew weaker. There was just no sexual desire at all. AT ALL. I can't understand why Lin stayed, other than we were a family and we were going stick together and get through it. I'm glad she toughed it out. The "baby" is now 2-1/2 and even though we have our bad days we love each other very much and want to be together. Frequent sex or not. Although Lin definitely leans to "frequent" side of the equation.

Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. I think if more people talked about it and would admit to it, there wouldn't be such a stigma. Yes, there is a big chance that medication will kill your libido but I would rather have the medication kill my libido than for depression to kill me.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Do something and do it now.

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Oops she did it again

DAMN!

Okay, it's no secret that I have difficulties with my co-worker. One of the big things is the fact that she has rarely washed a dirty dish in this office. I have repeatedly washed dishes for her when it was CLEARLY her turn to do them. Sometimes I will wait and wait for her to do them and then I end up having to soak the damn things overnight so they will come clean. I think she is very lazy and I hate the fact that she assumes I will do them and lets them pile up.

So I took a stand. A silent stand, but a stand nonetheless. I washed every dirty dish in the office, dried them, put them away and washed the counters. Our little kitchen was spotless. From that moment on when I used a dish, I washed it immediately, dried it and put it away. I was hoping that she would notice that all of the dishes that started piling up were the ones that she had dirtied. All of them were hers. Since there are only 4 of us in this office it's easy to figure out who uses the dishes. Our boss never uses the dishes and my assistant only uses an occasional utensil.

I guess besides being lazy and presumptuous she is also slow on uptake because she so did not get it. The pile got larger and larger. I continued to wash just my dirty dishes and she continued to dirty up almost every single cup/fork/plate in the office. I continued complaining to Lin and to everyone else who would listen, but I stood my ground. Even when she was out sick for 3 days and I did a massive cleaning to the office, I did not wash her dishes. Let me just tell you right now how exhausting not doing the dishes has been. I could not stand to walk by them. I would avoid going in there so I wouldn't have to look at them. I hated it, but I stayed strong.

I summoned up a tiny bit of courage and while I was warming up my leftovers I said in an actual out loud voice "Boy, these dishes sure are piling up!" There was no response from her whatsoever. She didn't even look up from her keyboard. The whole time I'm thinking "You heard me, I know you heard me, play dead all you want sister!" I cannot believe she didn't even acknowledge what I just said! The nerve!

I let it go, I was just going to continue playing this game. I was not going to give up, not after all this time. I went back to my desk and got busy trying to ignore the situation. 2 hours later when she decided she needed to make a cup of tea she got up and went to the kitchen and said "Oh, I thought you were going to do the dishes?"

Right after my head spun around and popped off all I could think of to say was "Nope". You don't have to, I rolled my own eyes for you. "Nope"? That's all? I am so quick witted. Really. She didn't say anything in return and I just sat there and stewed on my "Nope" for another 45 minutes before I finally said (to myself of course) "Fuck this shit!"

"Hey, the reason I didn't do the dishes is because none of them are mine. I have been washing my dishes as I use them."

"Oh, so are all of those dishes mine?"

"That would be correct."

"Okay, I'll do them."

WHAT? That's it? So very anticlimactic.

3 days later and she still hasn't washed the dishes.

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Granola theif

So I recently started a diet. I know what your thinking, your thinking that you don't want to follow one more blog about weight loss. I'm not going to bombard you with emotional cries of an overweight unhappy woman who just needs a break and then get a bunch of sympathy because there are so many women out there who know what I'm going through and please hold my hand and by golly I will get through this. Gag me. I'm fat because I eat too much food in general and too much of the wrong thing. I don't intend to be one of those blogs but something happened today that I just need to share.

I measured out a half cup of granola cereal to eat with my lemon yogurt. It's one of my favorite things to eat while dieting. I brought it to work yesterday but didn't get a chance to eat it so I saved it for today. I grabbed my yogurt and then opened the cabinet and could not find my granola. It was gone. I asked my co-worker if she had seen it because she straightened up the cabinets yesterday. She said she didn't see it.

I cannot get this woman to wash a dish or wipe the counters but she rearranged the cabinets. I had all of my stuff segregated from her stuff and my stuff was very happy about this. Today there is stuff in my cabinet that doesn't belong. Why? Why? Why?

I honestly think she threw it away. I don't know why, maybe she thought it was hers but I think she was afraid to fess up. Coward.

Who the fuck takes a 1/2 cup of granola cereal? A strangers cereal, because if it wasn't my co-worker then it had to be the janitor and it wouldn't be the first time that food has mysteriously gone missing. So now I'm pissed off that I'm having to eat naked yogurt.

Thieves. Gah!

..and then it was done.

I have a couple of things to say.

First things first.

BOOYAH!

Haha. Shout out to my man Obama! Way to go dude!

I went to bed shortly after 9:00 pm and by then the race was all but won, it would have taken an extreme hail Mary for McCain to pull it off at that point.

I woke up this morning and while I was in the bathroom Lin yelled through the door that McCain made a come back and won. I was bewildered. All I could say in my sleepy state was the standard 8 year old reply of "Nuh uh!"

Then of course I couldn't pee fast enough so I could run to the TV and find out just what the hell happened after 9:00 pm last night! Because Jesus Christ THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Yeah, she was pulling my leg. She's been doing that a lot lately. Poking me with a stick to get a rise out of me. She should be careful, I might bite.

While we were cooking dinner last night she made the comment that I was not as politically active and she was. I just looked at Eugene who had that "ruh roh raggy" look on his face and I said "Okay". Then she kept poking me with that damn stick and told her there was no freaking way she is more politically active than I am and I started ranting and she, of course, started laughing. She got me. I'm a big dork.

Yesterday was a really good day until Molly ran down the hall to her room, tripped over air or something and received a nice goose egg on her forehead. Then Eugene was taking a bowl of leftovers out to the dumpster to empty and he tossed it up in the air and it landed on his nose. We have a blood stain on our driveway that could rival some murder scenes. Not kidding. His nose is nice and swollen today.

Unfortunately, my kids inherited my klutziness. I pat them on the head daily, turn my head to the side and whisper "You are a big dorky klutz, get use to it."

Then Lin poked me with a stick.

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The inevitable

I will wear a white shirt on the day I bring leftover spaghetti for lunch. And of course, I will miss my mouth. Not once, but twice. It is inevitable.

I will enter the office bathroom immediately after someone has dropped a stink bomb. It is inevitable.

Someone will walk into my office the minute I shove a huge bite of food in my mouth. It is inevitable.

I will let out a huge burp the minute my boss walks through the door. It is inevitable.

I will answer the phone and say "ABC Company, this is David", because I was looking at David's name while I was answering the phone. Bonus...it was David on the phone. It is inevitable.

When I decide to wait until a commercial comes on TV to change Molly's dirty diaper, she decides to stick both hands down her pants. It is inevitable.

One of my dogs will poop on the floor a mere 10 seconds after I praise him for being "such a good wittle boy for going potty outside!" It is inevitable.

And finally, the most inevitable thing in my life currently is:

I finally found some balls of my own and mention to co-worker that her dishes are piling up and .......she completely ignores me. It is most certainly was inevitable.

Leave a comment....what is inevitable in your life?

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Speaking of emails and colons

I'm so getting in trouble for posting this, but I changed the identity so this person will remain anonymous.

This was an actual email conversation.


Jennifer: Hiya!!

Me: Hi! I have cramps. Love, Kathy

Jennifer: Ugh! I'm sorry. I'm constipated. Love, Jennifer

Me: You know, they make stuff for that. You seem to have an ongoing problem. Eugene started taking a Metamucil tablet every day and now...no problems. He no longer spends 45 minutes on the toilet trying to go. WHOOSH!

Jennifer: I'm going to get a colon cleanser this weekend and start taking something like that every day.

Me: Please tell me they don't put a picture of that on the bottle.

Jennifer: I don't think they put of a picture of that on the bottle.

Me: I hope not, imagine if your man-friend came over and snooped through your cabinet and found a bottle with a picture of an evacuated colon on it. Sexy!

Jennifer: Hahaha! Yeah, that will get me laid!

Me: Of course, on the other hand. He may think you did it for him. Ahahahaha *cough*

Jennifer: Bwahahahahahahaha! You're killing me here!!!

Me: You know I'm totally going to blog about this.

Jennifer: Ugh, ok.

So, thank you very much Jennifer for giving me material for my blog. SMOOCHES!

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