Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Overheard at the office

"I would like to know why the fucking paper fairy threw up all over my desk!"

"What's with the fur coat? Did he take up pimping?"

"Would it be TMI for me to send out an email telling everyone that I will be out of the office for my annual vagina exam?"

*Fart* "Well Jesus H. Christ, that thing has a mind of it's own."

"So then I told him to throw a banana in the microwave for 30 seconds and suck on it and see how he likes it."


Monday, January 21, 2008

My little girl

As I filled out paperwork in the waiting room nervously pumping my leg up and down, Lin walked around the large room with Molly. Of course she was totally unaware of what was about to happen which made my anxiety worse than it had been the previous 5 days. Each day as we got closer and closer to surgery day my anxiety heightened ten fold. I don't know how parents with really sick children cope with all that they have to go through. I could have dropped my basket any second over a small, routine outpatient surgery.

We waited, nervously checking the time, telling each other that it would all be okay, all the while trying to memorize every detail of Molly's face. Every grin, every curious look and oh how innocent she is.

They called her name and we went to the holding area which consisted of several patient bays with only a curtain for privacy. The nurse turned the TV to cartoons just for her and she put a hospital bracelet on Molly and a matching one on me. She left and said someone would be with us in a few minutes.

I mistakenly put her sippy cup in a visible outside pocket of the diaper bag and boy did she throw a fit when we couldn't give it to her. We distracted her by letting her draw on a note pad and when she got bored we would let her roam the halls in her miniature hospital gown and her pink slippers. She was so adorable.

The anesthesiologist came out and explained the procedure and tried to set our minds as ease, but that was never going to happen. We would be at ease once the procedure was over and she was at home in our arms. A few minutes later a nurse came out to get her and she had to hand her over to the anesthesiologist because Molly was so strong she almost wriggled out of her arms. She cried as they took her away and I felt like I had died inside because we were making her go through this, we did this to her, we caused her this anguish. I never said I was a rational human being and clearly this is an example of why.

We were instructed to return to the large waiting room and we tried to pass the time by talking about things other than IV's, ear infections, enlarged adenoids and how much therapy was going to cost in order to get over today. Time went by faster than I expected, they called us into a family room and her doctor came out and told us she was fine and that her adenoids were indeed enlarged and hopefully this will take care of the persistent infections. He told us it would be another 10 to 20 minutes and we would be taken to recovery. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before they came and got us.

We went through the doors and immediately recognized her screams. All I could do was smile and think to myself "That's my baby." When we got to her she was screaming and thrashing around. Her face was red and tear stained and she didn't seem to be aware of the fact that we were there. They told us her thrashing was a normal reaction to the anesthetic and that she would be fine. We had to tag-team holding her because she was so damn strong we could barely hang on to her. We tried to get her to drink from her sippy but she wouldn't have anything to do with it. I held on to her and I told her over and over that we were here and that she was okay but still the thrashing continued.

The nurse had me sign some forms, she explained home care and what complications we should look for. They didn't even wait for her to eat or drink something before they kicked us out strongly encouraged us to leave. I left Lin with Molly, pulled the car around, loaded her up and left. Lin sat in the back with her to try to continue to calm her down as I drove. The drive home was long even though it only took about 15 minutes. We were relieved to walk through the door. She calmed down very quickly and was ready to eat and drink so we let her have anything she wanted.

Only one time did she open her mouth and point as if she was in pain. We gave her pain medication, she took a few short naps and that was pretty much it. She was pale and remained pale the next day but unless you knew what she had gone through you would have never guessed that something was wrong. By Wednesday morning the only trace left of her adventure was the round red marks left by heart monitor sticky's and the bruise on her hand from the IV. She is such a trooper.

Now where is that number for the therapist?


Friday, January 18, 2008

About a girl

My son takes after me in at least one aspect. He has a flare for the dramatic. Well, less "flare" and more like a blow torch. Everything is a BIG deal. This really didn't start happening until the last year or so when puberty hit. Before that, he was a nice little boy who wasn't phased by much. I called it the "Oh well" attitude. That soon turned into the "Oh hell" attitude. Let me just give you a few samples:

My pencil broke

Oh Well: "Ooooh, this is an opportunity to finish my eraser and pencil sculpture."

Oh Hell: "I'll NEVER get my homework done now! I will NEVER get all my merits at school and I will NEVER get to go on the field trip and I am such a loser!"

Spilled milk on the counter

Oh Well: "Hey mom, LOOK! That puddle looks like a velociraptor!

Oh Hell: "Oh No! Look at this mess! I can't do anything right! Then he crumples up in a pile on the floor and bursts into flames.

On New Years Eve he went to a lock in with a friend at his friends church. He's been to them before, it's pretty much a bunch of kids, eating junk food, playing video games and seeing who's farts stink the most. Completely harmless, or was it?

For about 5 days after the lock-in he acted weird. He was moping around the house like I had kicked his puppy or something. He was so quiet, moody and somber that I wanted to open a vein because I just. couldn't. take it. any more. Something was wrong with our son and I needed to fix it because I needed my goofy practical joker of a son back. I really missed "Guess what?" "What?" "Chicken Butt!" Hahaha!

One night at dinner after we just had enough of the way he was acting I confronted him. I asked him what the hell happened at that lock in and he kept insisting that nothing happened. When I told him I was going to call his friends mom to find out he finally started spilling the beans. Mushy, soggy beans, but not before I completely freaked out when I misunderstood him.

He put his hand over his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at us and he said "There was this girl." Well that solves a big mystery. Lin and I just looked at each other with relief because we were certain that something bad had happened to him. Our minds wandered to really bad places and I really wanted him to tell me something other than what I was thinking and thank you thank you thank you it's about a girl! Awwwwww.

THEN! I misunderstood him. I thought he said "The guys were putting a lot of pressure on me." and I freaked out again because what did they talk him into doing and did the girl give permission and what if she said no and he felt pressured into doing something and OH MY GOD WHAT DID MY BABY BOY DO!!! At this point my eyes popped out my head spun in circles and my face melted off. So yeah, I freaked out.

"Who was putting pressure on you?"
"You guys!" (Big fat tears streaming down his face)

Oh...WE were putting pressure on him. Oh whew! Thank GOD!

"I don't know why I'm crying, it's NOT SAAAAADDDD (wahhhhhh)!!" (drama, tears, drama)


Lin and I just looked at each other because we really had no clue at this point, so Lin asked him if he had sex. Dun dun dun!


"Did you touch her boob?"


"Did you kiss her?"

"NO! There was no touching at all!"

"Well then what the hell happened?"

*dramatic pause*
*deep breath*


So it was pretty harmless after all.


Monday, January 14, 2008

Kamikaze Squirrel

Today I am driving Lin's cousins truck. Her car is in the shop today getting the brakes worked on. Apparently she feels the need to drive around in a car that doesn't screech. High maintenance? Anyway, she is driving my car because she can't fit both kids in the truck. I say make them ride in the back, sure it's cold but they'll live as long as she isn't going too far. Plus, they will eventually thaw out.

On my way to work I noticed a squirrel was starting to cross the road. Delima. Punch it and see if I can hit it, or let the poor little fellow cross the road to get to the other side? Want to guess what I did?

NO, I did NOT! What kind of person do you think I am anyway? I slowed down to let the furry creature get to the other side. But, it didn't work out that well. He got to the middle of the road, saw my truck, his eyes got really big and you could tell he was pondering the situation. Squirrels are intelligent like that you know.

He cocked his head to one side as if thinking to himself... "Do I continue or do I turn back, oh for the love of GOD what do I do?" He went left, changed his mind and went right, changed his mind again and went left. It was a sight to behold, it was like watching a tennis match. Back and forth back and forth. His indecisiveness cost him his life. His final decision to go back the way he came proved fatal. I couldn't stop in time (Maybe if I had been driving my OWN car I could have stopped in time). My heart jumped. There was nothing I could do. I looked in my rearview mirror, his little tail was twitching but the rest of his body was flat as a pancake. The twitching stopped. It was over.

Funeral services will be held on Saturday. Lets all bow our heads to pray.


Friday, January 11, 2008

Antipation isn't always good

Early Monday morning our little girl will not be snuggled in her boppy pillow under her cozy, fuzzy pink blanket, safe and sound in her crib. We will be driving to the surgical center with knots in our stomachs and an urgent need to flee back home, lock the doors and never let our daughter leave the house. I know that she will not have that beautiful toothy smile on her little round face and that she will scream and cry in terror as they remove her from my arms to take her to surgery. The room will be white, sterile and full of blinking noisy equipment. She will be surrounded by strangers and she will be scared.

I know that when I next see her and kiss her face a million times that she will smell like antiseptic instead of like my little baby girl. I'm going to hate that. I know that when they bring her to me that she will be confused, afraid and in pain. I know she is going to reach out to me and cling to me and she won't understand any of it.

I wish more than anything that I could take her place, that I could take all of the hurt away from her, that I could make her understand that the pain is only temporary and she will eventually feel so much better and that I am so sorry she had to go through it. I know she will have a quick recovery and she will be back to herself in no time, but babies shouldn't have to hurt at all and I just wish that it was 2 weeks later already so it would be over. It feels like I am betraying a mommy-daughter trust and she will never forgive me.

I know that this is minor out-patient surgery and that I should be grateful that it's just an adenoidectomy and not something life threatening, BUT everything is relative. Whether it's minor or major surgery it's still surgery and it's still going to cause her to be upset, confused and in pain and we are the ones who will hold her, rock her, stroke her hair, sing to her and wish the pain away. We are the ones who are going to completely melt down and end up in a sobbing heap the minute she is home, cries herself to sleep and we have a single second to think about what she just went through.

She's our daughter. Her hurt is our hurt and I would give up everything to make it stop. She is young enough that she probably will not remember any of it, and for that, I am truly thankful.


Sunday, January 6, 2008

Touching the beaver

Me: "Oh my God honey, my boss wore a fur coat to work!"

Lin: "It's not cold enough for a fur coat."

Me: "I know, he looks hilarious in it. It's not one of those long ones, its like a jacket."

Lin: "Did you ask him if the temperature had dropped this morning because you didn't know it was cold enough for fur?"

Me: "No, but maybe he has a lunch date or something and it's his misguided attempt at dressing to impress."

Lin: "Is he a pimp daddy? Is he wearing some sort of hat?"

Me: "Nothing on his head, even my coworker was shocked, we talked about it the minute he stepped out."

Lin: "You didn't laugh out loud did you?"

Me: "No, but I asked him if I cut pet his coat. It's beaver fur."

Lin: "So your telling me that you were petting strange beaver?"


Thursday, January 3, 2008

Lets talk about Bush

No, not THAT Bush, George Dubya, although he is a bit of a vagina when you think about it.

Pay attention.

Hurricane Katrina:
Slow government response
Mostly black demographic
Poor/lower class
Mostly Democratic population
9 electoral votes in Louisiana

So. Cal. Wildfires:
Quick government response
Mostly White demographic
Wealthy upper class
Mostly Republican
55 electoral votes in California

Bush's prompt response to the wildfires?
1. Lesson learned from Katrina?
2. Socio/economic/political gain?
3. Saving face so he can leave office as a hero?

You decide, but I still think he's a vagina.


Missing the ones you love

I work on the 2nd floor of a very old building. I've been told that the trolly use to pass by right in front. We don't have an elevator and the stairs are steep and creaky.

After working here for a few weeks I figured out each persons footsteps. I could always tell who was coming or going. Even other people who work in the building. At first it was kind of like a game. I had a lot of fun figuring out each persons footsteps on the stairs. (Fun? I am SUCH a loser)Why am I telling you this? Hang on and I'll tell you.

Our regular mail carrier would open the door, plop the mail on my desk and shut the door as quick as she could. She was obviously a lesbian and I was offended that she didn't even give me a double take. Hello? I'm gay too! Do I HAVE to show you my membership card to prove it? Do I need to bring the free toaster I received when I joined the club and signed on the dotted line? Okay, so I'm not a hundred yarder and I don't wear pride jewelry, but aren't I at least hot enough for her to do a double take?

Talk about a blow to the ole ego. I would always thank her and she would just nod her head and shut the door. I felt so cheap trying to get her attention and she just snubbed me everytime. *sigh*
Did I think she was attractive? Not in the slightest. Why did I want her attention? I have no clue. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I have no idea why I wanted her to acknowledge me other than maybe having something in common with someone else who happens to be in my vicinity. Well, here is the sad news. I am very distraught. The big butch lesbian mail "lady" that I have been talking about must have been moved to a different route. I haven't seen her in weeks. I am saddened by this. My day just isn't the same. I will never again hear the creak of her foot steps on the stairs. I don't think I'll be able to look at another mail carrier ever again. Hold on...I need a moment.

Oh how I will miss her big strong hairy tattoo'd arms, her deep voice, the way she stomped so loud coming up the stairs. I could always tell it was her everytime.....but most of all,

I will miss her mullet. *sniff*


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy New Year Bitches!

Okay, it’s the same every year right? Eat less, exercise more, blah blah, whatever. Then the guilt of never actually doing anything. Why set myself up for failure? How about these for New Years Resolutions?

1. I will eat chocolate every single day and I will feel huge amounts of guilt for it and wish that my gag reflex was more sensitive so I could binge and purge like normal people, you know like Mary Kate and Nicole Richie.

2. I will give in to the daily fatigue of working/dropping off and picking up kids, laundry, etc. and sit on my ass in the evening watching re-runs of Two and half men instead of playing games with the kids, or reading to the baby, you know the not-so-important stuff.3

. I will kick the dog at least 4 times this year in order to beat my record of 3 times last year. Awesome! If your an animal rights activist, shut up.

4. Eat my weight in ice cream!! I can’t wait!

5. Exercise 2 days in a row and then wait 6 months to do it again. I don’t know about you but this is going to be so fucking hard to accomplish. The pressure I put on myself is immeasurable.

6. Drink my weight in Coca Cola. I wonder if I can keep from going over. The limit of this one just about breaks my heart.

7. Work 5 hours out of 8 at my job instead of my normal 4. Give it up for the workaholic.

8. Make fun of my boss at least 3 times this year. Ummm...yeah. Ooops.

I think for the most part I will be able to live up to these resolutions. It will be a hard road, but I’m willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I will gladly rise to the occasion to be mediocre so that I may continue to be the awesome person that I am.

Things that I am hoping will happen this year without having to put forth effort. My laziness surprises you? Really?

1. I would like the skinny me to return, because this fat bitch in the mirror is scaring me.

2. Be more patient and more active with the kids, because apparently yelling at them to bring me the remote control isn't considered "bonding time". Pffftt! What do child psychologists know anyway?

Ohhh look, something shiny!