Ahh hell

I need to know why I volunteered to come in on my day off to finish a project when I'm not the one who won't be finished with my part.

It's not my fault that the two people who make all the money dropped the ball and aren't ready but I'm the one who has to compromise and get the job done.

Fuckers.

Tee hee's and ha ha's

There once was a beautiful lesbian princess named KayJay. Although she is a pampered princess she still has to work for a living. The princess had to run errands for her job and went to Michaels to pick up a few things that will be needed at an event next week.

As the princess was browsing the isles her stomach began to churn. Her stomach made noises she had never heard. She could feel a bubble of gas building inside her gut. Determined not to embarrass herself she clinched her cheeks real tight so she wouldn't let it go in front of people.

It was a futile attempt at propriety. The gas bubble was too much. The strength of a thousand butt cheeks would not hold in what was about to erupt. The princess walked down the candle isle and relaxed.

"prrrrrnnnnnfffffff"

Thankfully, it wasn't loud enough to be embarrassing. However, the term silent but deadly comes to mind. The princess continued down the isle and stopped to look at different votive holders. That is when 2 other customers starting walking down the same isle. What the princess heard next cause a laughing fit a epic proportions and lots of funny looks her way.

"Oh my gosh!!! Something smells fantastic!"

The princess was so tickled at what had happened that she continued to laugh even while at the register. It's amazing how many people will smile and laugh with you and they have no clue what they are laughing at.

Then the princess laughed happily ever after, back to her 9 to 5.

The End.

Awesomeness

I left the office and had to trek through the park because our parking lot is being re-constructed. I got up to my car and noticed two women in the car next to me. They were snuggling and making out and touching each others neck and face, it was very cute.

Then I got in my car, got settled, reached over to put my seat belt and I glanced over and they were in the midst of having sex. Not full on sex, but one of them was laying back in her seat with the other girls hand down her pants and she was obviously having a great time. So I watched for a minute. They didn't even notice me. I WATCHED 2 GIRLS HAVING SEX!!!! And it wasn't porn on the TV!

It was pretty awesome. It made my day complete. I should have to park in the other lot more often. (As long as I don't step on anymore condoms...yuck)

Birthday Suckage Update

Crow is not the best tasting stuff around. Trust me.

As it turns out, my lovely Jesse did order my birthday present and it just has not arrived yet. She claims that she told me, but I don't recall the conversation.

So, maybe my birthday wasn't as sucky as I thought and I'm getting exactly what I asked for. A Garmin. I am so directionally challenged it's not even funny. I got tired of getting turned around and having to print out maps for every outing.

I am definitely a dumb blond when it comes to finding my way around.

So yay! My birthday present is on its way!!

In the Ghetto

Do you see this? Do you know what this is? I stepped on this when I got out of my car this morning at work. This was in the parking lot. Under my shoe. It made a squishy sound.

*shiver*

A used condom. *gag*

I love working in the ghetto, I get to experience so many things. Stepping on used condoms, witnessing drug deals, watching the pimps and the prostitutes conduct their business, catching someone smoking pot behind the office and my favorite, being approached in the parking lot by someone wanting "just one dollar so they can ride the bus home."

What will tomorrow bring?

Cruella diaries

I may have mentioned before how much contempt I hold for my co-worker. It has grown exponentially in the last 6 months. It's to the point that the mere sound of her voice makes me want to stick bamboo skewers through my ears and twist them repeatedly.

Ever since we moved into our new offices, which was about 10 weeks ago she has been leaving little gifts on the toilet seat. And by little gifts I mean rather long pubic hairs. *shiver*

I haven't said anything because I'm just not that bold. I just keep thinking "Come On! Can't you at least look at the toilet seat when you are through in there just to make sure that you're not leaving anything behind? Isn't that basic hygiene and manners?"

I need Jesse's balls of steel. She can tell anyone anything without hesitation. I love that about her.

Also, the length of them? Gross. Ack!

*shiver*

Also, I think she is taking laxatives because ....well, I will leave that to your imagination.

*shiver*

I'm so grossed out by her.

*shiver*

I need to find my coat. All of this shivering is making my nipples hurt.

Why do my birthdays suck?

My birthday came and went. What did I get for my birthday you ask? Cupcakes from my co-workers and a bag of coffee from my mother-in-law.

That was it.

*frown*

On the bright side, it was more than I got last year. Still, my g/f didn't get me anything. Not even a stinking card. No gift. What is up with her? If I did that to her there would be hell to pay.

We also took a road trip down south so the kids could play in the natural springs. So not what I wanted to do on my birthday.

I'm kind of sad about the whole thing.

All I wanted was a Garman. That is the only thing I asked for. She didn't even have the kids give me a card or gift.

Argggg.

So. not. happy.

Molly'isms

"Molly, which shoes would you like to wear today?"

"Well, I think I'll just wear my toes today. Thanks."


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Who are you, who who, who who

What up?

Nothing like 5 month haitus to put things in perspective.

I'm back bitches. Deal. with. it.

Ann Coulter-the source of diaper rash

I know that just giving my post a title with her name in it is giving her way more face (blog) time than this woman deserves, but sometimes the anger builds up enough that I just have to let it out or it might just explode through one of a few holes I have in my body. I'm a big fan of not holding things in and I'm an even bigger fan of keeping the current size of my orifices.

I thought that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was bat shit crazy but Ann can out-douche her any day. Having been a single mother at one point in time (and by law I am still considered a single mother) I was completely offended (shocker huh?) by the passage in her book that says "Victim of a crime? Thank a single mother." and then there was a lot more diarrhea that spewed forth from her after that.

I think she says the things she does because she is crazy and lonely and craves attention. She's like a dog. Any attention is good attention. I think she goes home every nights and cries into her oatmeal and masturbates to Rush Limbaugh because if anybody is as hated as Ann, it's Rush.

I feel sorry for her. Here death will be mourned by a lot less than those who will dance in the street.

P.S. If you didn't get the title, it's means that she is a piece of shit.

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Glory Glory and holy hell

My doctor and I made a mutual decision to change my medication. I was slipping into depression again and my outbursts of anger were getting more frequent and more violent. She thinks the outbursts were my version of panic attacks. I get that. I understand. Sometimes my anxiety has nowhere to go except out and toward those I love.

In addition to the fact that my heart rate is too high (again) we decided a change would not only be a good idea, but probably necessary. The new medication is geared more toward panic attacks and OCD whereas my other medication wasn't. The old medication also has a history of causing a high heart rate. So, it got the boot.

There is also a good possibility that I have degenerative arthritis. I have to find the time to go get an x-ray of my hands. In the meantime she gave me a pain relieving gel to use because owie ouch my thumbs hurt, especially when I have to type a lot. Oh, and I had lab work to check my thyroid because I just found out that all the women in my family have had a problem with theirs. You'd think that would be information I would have been given years ago. Woohoo! Something new to blame my weight on. My old excuses were getting....well, old.

The good news is I'm starting to feel something in my girlie bits. If you remember there is a section of my body that has been dead for a long time and I blame the medication I was on. No feelings, tingles or desires in that area of the body AT ALL. Jesse has been very patient. It's like my body has been a dried up desert for many a moon and a crystal clear lake of refreshing spring water has appeared on the horizon, only it's not a mirage. It's real. See that? That is my girl bits and they are twinkling in the distance ready to be rediscovered.

Hopefully soon I will be able to tell my beloved to dive right in baby, the water is fine.

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Silver lining

This is the silver lining to the black cloud I call family.

It had 42 miles on it. It's brand spankin' new. It smells real good. It's real purdy!

My girlfriend will have a new truck boner for days.

God love my girlfriend. I know I do.

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Sometimes, family suck.

When my dad passed away almost 3 years ago, my mother decided to give his truck to my nephew. He was 16 at the time and all he needed to do to take possession of it was get his drivers license and insurance. He never did either one of those things.

He dropped out of high school, will not hold down a job, never got his license and getting insurance has never been a priority. Anything that didn't involve getting drunk or high has never been a priority for him. He's 19 1/2 years old now. He lives in an apartment with his 17 year old girlfriend and neither one of them will hold down a job. They can. They just don't choose to.

I borrowed the truck to haul some stuff because we didn't want to get my van dirty so it's been sitting at my house for long time. It's an old beat up truck that you don't drive around in for pride but you use it to haul stuff in. It's a work truck. I offered to buy it and my mom said okay but that I would have to wait because she was going to give my nephew time to get his act together. That was 6 months ago and I called her last week and told her I needed to buy it or I needed to return it.

She commented about the the bills she could pay and the new eye glasses she could get with the money I was going to give her. She lives on a fixed income and is disabled. She was going to call my nephew and tell him his time was up and she was selling it to me.

I'm not sure what happened although I have my theories but in the end my sister got insurance for the truck and it was no longer up for sale. One minute we were buying it, my son would have a vehicle for his 16th birthday and all was well and the next minute it was gone.

My theory is that my sister bullied my mom into backing out of our deal. She bailed out a kid who has had almost 3 years to get his shit together. All he needed was his drivers license and insurance and he would have had a FREE TRUCK. If my kid had that opportunity and he squandered 3 years and did nothing, it would be a cold day in hell before I helped him out.

3 fucking years. He's 19 1/2 years old and doesn't have a drivers license. I don't know why she did it. Now he's getting a free truck and he didn't have to do a thing to get it.

My mom said these words to me:

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Someone was going to have to get mad at me in this deal and I'm sorry that it had to be you. I could have really used that money, now I don't know where I'm going to get it. I should have sold it to you a year ago. I'm sorry, please please don't be mad at me."

I shouldn't be surprised that I got the shit end of the stick. It's been this way for years, but after that conversation I got so upset that my stomach decided to drop it's contents all at once. I love that my emotions are so connected to my bowels.

Imagine me, crying on the toilet and praying that my intestines weren't coming out with everything else. I wasn't for sure if I was going to write about this because my sister's daughter reads my blog. She's my favorite person and I know it has to be hard to read this about your mother and brother. But then if someone said something bad about my brother it's probably something I've already said myself so you just never know when someone is going to be understanding about the family you rant about.

I really don't think my dad would have wanted things to happen like this. I think he would have wanted his wife to be able to afford a new pair of glasses than for an ingrate grandson to get a free truck.

The whole situation sucks and has left me very sad and very disappointed in the way some family members have acted. I'm bitter and angry and if I were the type of person who could remember to send out Christmas Cards I would totally scratch them off my list. Until then, I'll have to settle for the cold shoulder. I don't even think they will notice.

God love my family. Somebody has to.

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So many posts, so little motivation

I have so many things I want to tell you about dear internet but my time is fleeting. I seem to get busier with each passing day.

First, the important stuff.

I went to my doctor last week and the most memorable part about the visit was when I was leaving. I walked through the exit door and there was a midget little person standing right in front of me.

What is the politically correct thing to do in this situation?

Do I look him in the eye as if to say "I see you there, and your short stature and your stunted limbs do not freak me out in the slightest because I see you as a normal human being and totally not weird at all! I'm okay, you're okay."

or

Do I look away and not acknowledge that I see him at all as if to say "I'm a busy person and it's not that I'm ignoring you it's just that I'm busy with my own life and I don't notice my surroundings and it's really not you, it's me."

Or do I make eye contact, nod and then look away?

What do you do?

Naked Princess

If you can figure out how to keep clothes on an almost 3 year old, please pass your secret voodoo magic tricks to me. It never fails that 10 minutes after we get home she starts shedding her layers.

Shoes, gone.
Socks, gone.
Shirt, pulled up to her forehead and hanging being her like long flowing hair (ala Lily Tomlin), then gone.
Pants, gone.
Panties (or pullup), gone.

Then? We do the naked dance.

"I'm nakie nakie nakie" all while wiggling her hips and smiling like that she got away with something.

"Molly! Come here! You get over here right now and put some panties on!"

"Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww... I'm a naked PRINCESS!" Then the chase is on.

"You can be a naked princess with panties on." Running down the hall.

"Newwwwwwwwwww, I have to be a NAKED PRINCEEEEEESSSS!" She holds up her hand in a stop gesture.

"Princesses wear panties to you know." Slumping to the floor to hold her down in an attempt to get panties on her naked business.

"No. No. No. NAY - KED!" She wriggles free and runs through the house. "Nakie, nakie, nakie."

"Okay, fine. You go and be a naked princess then, just remember that princesses don't pee pee on the chair!" "And they don't get cookies either!"

"Will you help me put panties on?"

"Yes, come here." She inches close to me, smiling, then she takes off running.

I threw her panties at her and gave up.

At least she didn't pee on her chair. This time.

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My lips are better than yours

I just now realized that I do a really weird thing. I mean REAL weird. Everyone told me growing up that I was weird, my family, my friends, and now? My son says I'm weird. Okay, I get it. I'm weird, but I'm loveable. When I don't have PMS. Which I totally do right now. I just wish I would get the damn thing so I would STOP WITH THE CRYING DURING COMMERCIALS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck.

Oh, I'm weird. About that. I just realized, that when I put on chapstick that I don't move the chapstick over my lips. I keep my hand still and I contort my lips in a back and forth motion that can only be described by comparing it to someone with really great fingernails scratching your back. You know that look on your face you get while you are "ooohing" and "ahhhhing"? The one where you make weird faces with your lips? Yeah, that's the one.

I move my lips back and forth across the chapstick while my hand remains motionless.

Yes I do.

Now you are wondering how you put on your own chapstick aren't you?

I'll bet you have your chapstick in hand right at this very moment.

I would also guess that you are looking for a mirror so you can see exactly how you put your chapstick on.

Aren't you?

Don't deny it, you can't fool me.

What is YOUR weird thing?

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Black creepy crawly

Last night Jesse wanted to watch Rooster Cogburn and I didn't. So instead of kicking her out of the living room which is what I usually do, I decided to retreat to the bedroom to find something on TV a little less John Wayneish. There really wasn't anything else on, I flipped through the channels a million times though.

I heard Jesse calling for me from Molly's room, I went to see what she wanted and she is sprawled across the bed lengthwise and is inspecting the wall on the other side of the mattress. I got up close to see what she was looking at and she said:

"Is this mold?"

FUCK

"Well, it looks like mold."

I got closer, "and it smells like mold too."

Then I noticed that the paint was bubbled and I started to pick at it a little, then I was able to pull off about an 8 inch section of paint in one tug. What did I see?

MOLD! Nasty black mold and wet mushy sheet rock.

FUUUUUUUCK!

The outside water faucet in the front of the house is right at the corner of Molly's room. It leaked. It leaked for a long time. I finally told Jesse that if we don't get it fixed we were going to have a foundation problem. So we got it fixed and we thought that was going to be the end of it. But no. Not just no, but fuck no. Life would not give us a break on this one. Apparently the faucet leaked more than we thought because the moisture had to travel through brick, concrete, insulation and sheet rock and then through about 8 layers of paint.

Then Jesse pulled off a HUGE section of paint to reveal just how bad the mold was. The stench was so overwhelming I had to leave the room. The mold is bad y'all. Real bad.

So I called a lesbian friend of mine who renovates houses for a living and asked her opinion on the matter. Were going to have to tear out the infected area plus a foot extra in every direction and make sure that it all dries out. Treat any leftover moldy areas like brick or the studs to make sure the mold is indeed dead, then put up new insulation, sheet rock, tape, mud and paint, etc..etc.. physical labor, sweating, cursing and achy sore muscles. Yeehaw. And since Molly has developed her own personality since I squeezed her out we had eventual (key word is eventual) plans to turn her cowgirl themed bedroom into a princess themed bedroom so we might as well do that while were tearing out half of the walls. Can I get a yeehaw?

Did I mention that we are in the middle, the VERY MIDDLE of renovating the den? And did I mention that we were planning to renovate the living room right after the den? Were not just talking about slapping a new coat of paint on the walls, the den is being completely remodeled and we will repaint the living room, tear out and replace all of the trim and crown molding, new window treatments and new hard wood floors!

I will practically have a new house when this is finished. Now all I need is to finish the other half of the bathroom (we have a new tub, toilet, sink & faucet), re-model our bedroom and Eugene's room and it will be a brand new house. Were also getting a flat screen TV. Yeehaw.

So, if you haven't heard from me in a while, it will be safe to assume that Jesse got sick of me complaining about all of the work and beat me to death with a paintbrush roller.

Can I get a yeehaw?

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Oh Phillip!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!!!!!!!!!

Matters of the heart

Not love. Heart disease. My co-worker had a health scare and it made me think about my own mortality. I know that I will die someday. I'm hoping that it will be in my sleep, of natural causes and when I'm elderly. But we all know it doesn't always work out that way. I think it happens a lot less than people imagine.

Of all of the people in my family that have died (and there have been many) only one of those people died peacefully in their sleep (and who really knows for sure if it was peaceful because she was alone). The rest? Heart disease. It sucks. I feel like I'm doomed because not one person in my family (who did not commit suicide, thats a whole other story) has died from something other than heart disease on both sides of my family. Double doomed. Does cancer run in my family? Don't know. No one lives long enough to get cancer.

DOOMED, but I would like to be doomed at an older age than the rest of my family and the only way to do that is to get healthy. I already quit smoking but I am like a ton of other people and I am way too heavy. Food is my drug of choice, my lover, my confidant, my security blanket. I've been leaning on my confidant too much because it shows in the form of a closet full of clothes that I can longer squeeze my ass into.

So I started taking baby steps. I have had oatmeal for breakfast 3 times this week AND I did not slather it with butter. I used on packet of Splenda and one small pat of butter. That has to be better than a sausage egg McMuffin right? Or Bavarian cream filled donuts or that damn breakfast burrito that is so stinkin yummy. I need a napkin, I'm drooling.

I have also tried to reduce the amount of food I eat because I can eat like a football player y'all. It's not even funny. There was this incident at IHOP over the weekend and I have forbidden Jesse to speak about it. Not even to me. I'm in the process of suppressing that memory.

The good news? I have lost 2.5 lbs in 4 days. THAT to me, is amazing. I just need to get through the weekend without frying something. For those of you who are from the South, you know what I mean.

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Pregnancy Part 3 - Week 5 through 8

Week 4 - July 28th - August 3rd

-Well, my stomach has been feeling pretty crummy. It feels hungry all the time, but then I can't eat much. Started having terrible pains in my stomach, I was paranoid but hopeful. I went in for an ultrasound on Aug 2nd, no cysts, everything looked good, but couldn't find a sac because it was too early. I'll go back Friday for another ultrasound and another beta. I hope we can see something by then. Every time I eat something my stomach hurts like hell, I'm thinking it's gastritis. I may overdose on Tums.

-Feeling better, no major stomach issues, I have been able to eat without too much of a problem. My pregnancy symptoms seemed to have minimized a bit. This worries me to no end. I also had a bit of spotting on the morning of Aug 4th, but nothing since. I'm belching and farting like a truck driver. How sexy am I?


Week 5 - August 4th- August 10th


-I had an ultrasound today and we got to see the gestational sac. WHAT A RELIEF! My hcg jumped to 2275 and my progesterone went back up to 29. Everything looked fantastic! Because I have a fibroid in my uterus my RE mentioned that I "may" be at a slight higher risk for a C-section. BUT everything looked GREAT!!! I go back for another ultrasound to find the heartbeat on August 15th. Here's a pic of our precious little one!

-All is well except for some constant mild cramping - which could be anything at this point. I've had some dizziness, a bit of morning sickness, and a lot of fatigue. Jesse seems to have all of the symptoms right along with me. She's being a great sport about it, she's very excited and pats or touches my belly a lot.


Week 6 - August 11th - August 17th


-On Monday August 15 we are officially 6 weeks and 4 days and we saw the heartbeat! Yeah, it was such a relief to see that little heartbeat! I think we can breathe a little easier now and can relax a bit and try to start enjoying this pregnancy. My risk for miscarriage goes down to 10%, so were still cautious, but so very optimistic!!!!

Week 7 - August 18th - August 24th


-Morning sickness hit with a massive boom last night. The nausea carried over to today, but it was much better after lunch. Still feeling tired, and I'm already popping out of my shirts. A friend of mine is loaning me some maternity clothes, I will pick those up today, I can't WAIT! I get to have fun tonight going through all of them. Only 5 more weeks and I will be past the 12 weeks mark. The "safe zone".

-Had a bit of a scare over the weekend with pretty bad cramping and spotting. I called the on-call OB and she told me to rest all weekend and to go to the ER if things got really bad. So I rested all weekend, and by Monday morning the spotting had stopped, but I called my RE anyway. I was able to go in for another ultrasound and we saw a strong heartbeat and couldn't find any problems at all. The cramps come and go and basically I just have to deal with them. Morning (evening) sickness is still a bit of a problem. I'm having trouble finding stuff to eat that appeals to me. AND I've gained 4 lbs. I'm already wearing maternity clothes because I'm popping out EVERYWHERE.

Here's another pic

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Our Song

I forgot to name what our song is in my Cupid post. And boy did you guys let me know! LOL

Our song is Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

Odd things I notice

This is a snapshot of my home page.

In case you can't see it, it says "Jerry OyConnell"

Is that a Jewish/Irish thing?

Not funny? I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm just weird.

Pay no attention to the lopsided arrow.

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How Cupid made me cry

I am very verbal about the fact that Jesse and I do not celebrate Valentines Day. It's a Hallmark holiday made up by some sentimental jerk off in order to make us feel bad that we don't appreciate and adore our significant other the other 364 days of the year. Not that I have a strong opinion on that or anything.

I hate the holiday. Plain and simple. The chocolates, the cards, the red and pink hearts. It's an assault on the senses. No one should have to see that much red and pink at one time. Don't even get me started on the jewelry commercials on TV. SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HIT YOU WITH A PINK BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES.

So imagine how verklempt I was when I got up on Saturday morning and there was a card and a gift sitting on the kitchen table. If you could read my thoughts, there would have been a comment bubble above my head with this in it:

WTF???

"Honey, what is this? We don't celebrate Valentines Day."

"I know, but since I blew it on your birthday AND Christmas, I thought I would take the opportunity to make it up to you."

That is when a tiny tear formed in my eye, my heart (pink I'm sure) began to melt and I got all mushy. FUCKING VALENTINES DAY! On the inside I was shaking my fist at Cupid, the little fucker.

The card played a song when you opened it, and of course, it was "our song". Which just made me want to melt into a puddle right then and there. I love our song. It's so...... different. I have never in my life known this song to be anyone else's song. Of course. We may just be odd.

The gift made me leave the room and cry. You see, when she wants to, Jesse can bring me to my knees and and make me weep. She is just an amazing person. I am so very lucky. She bought me a flag display box for my fathers flag. Just typing this out makes my throat hurt and my eyes well up.

My dad has been gone for almost 3 years and I've been asking for a box for about the last year. It took me that long just to be able to get the words out without choking on them.

She got me a box for his flag. I'm overwhelmed with joy and sadness at the same time. I miss him so very much every day. He missed out on my beautiful daughter and she will never know her papa and they really would have liked each other. I'm certain of that.

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Pregnancy Part 2 - Finally a baby on the way

(Pregnancy diary posting from 2005)

Just a history of this cycle - After the miscarriage we had to wait through 3 cycles to try again and in the meantime I had some tests done and it turns out my progesterone levels are way low which told us that I can get pregnant, I just can't stay pregnant. Secondary infertility. We had another IUI in June and I had to use progesterone suppositories starting on the third day after the IUI. It postponed my period which got my hopes up. Stupid, I know. I knew it could delay my period and I got my hopes up anyway. Live and learn.

I told our Fertility Doc that we were only giving it one more shot. I couldn't deal with the emotional let down time after time. We were worn slick. I told him we needed to bring out the big guns. And he did. God love him.

I took Femara on CD 5 through 9, started OPK's on CD 12. Had a positive OPK in the evening of July 11th and the morning of July 12th.

July 12, 2005 - IUI in the morning. CM looked good, all signs point to great timing.

July 13, 2005 - OPK still very positive, another IUI at noon. This is the first time we've ever done 2 inseminations in one cycle. CM still had most of it's clarity. Very uncomfortable cramping on my right side, RE says it's ovulation pain. I'm feeling very bloated and my abdomen is very tender.

July 14, 2005 - Ovulation Day - The waiting begins. Not as bloated as yesterday, abdomen is still a bit tender. I know it's too early for this to mean anything, but I want to post it anyway. I had some dizziness in the afternoon and in the evening and what seemed to be more than usual CM causing "leaky" sensation. Too early I know...but I'm posting EVERYTHING!

July 15, 2005 - 1 DPO - I'm bloated again. My stomach is very tender. The vibration from walking hurts. It's starting to worry me a bit, this doesn't feel normal. It never hurts like this with a normal non-IUI cycle. Started progesterone this morning, already have increased appetite from it. JOY! I expect full side effects by Monday. I cried twice today listening to a song on the radio. Stupid song. I also had left breast pain under the nipple that last about 20 seconds. Temps are flatlined, this was expected due to the progesterone. Weird body aches and pains this time around. Puzzling.

July 16, 2005 - 2 DPO - Still a bit bloated. Abdomen is still tender and getting worse in the evening. What the hell is THAT about. I slept late today, and I got a little more tired than usual, probably from the progesterone and the stress of it all. Can't forget the STRESS!

July 17, 2005 - 3 DPO - Abdomen feels a lot better, still some bloating especially when I eat. Very fatigued and had heartburn in the middle of the night. Dreaming a lot and not sleeping well. This process is such a roller coaster. Not just with emotions, but to pay attention to every little thing your body is doing is exhausting. My mind is constantly racing, calculating hours and days, signs and symptoms, what-if's and could be's. This process is both emotionally and physically demanding.

July 18, 2005 - 4 DPO - Abdomen feels normal again, very hungry to the point of nausea. Had heartburn in the middle of the night again. Am I eating too late in the evening? Dreaming a lot still, not sleeping well. I'm blaming that on the progesterone. 1 degree temp spike. Very tired. It's only day 4 and I'm ready for this to be done one way or the other. BM have changed, more urgent need to go, and if I can't go right away it's very uncomfortable.

July 19, 2005 - 5 DPO - No more heartburn, tad bit of cramping, still dreaming a lot. Temp still flatlined. Tired. Woke up with a little bit of a stuffy nose that went away quickly. Nothing else. Nothing left to over analyze or hang on to by my fingernails.

July 20, 2005 - 6 DPO - No heartburn. I had a lot of cramping, switching from my left side to my right side all day. Pain behind right nipple. Tired, increased CM....I think....hard to tell with the progesterone. It seems like something might be going on in there...very hopeful.

July 21, 2005 - 7 DPO - Took forever to go to sleep last night. I'm very tired today. Before lunch I had no symptoms whatsoever, very discouraging. After lunch the cramps seem to be returning. Had a temp spike of .1 degree, I wish it would keep going up so I can have an indication of which symptoms to look for. What the hell is going on with this nipple pain? Is it a progesterone thing because COME ON!

July 22, 2005 - 8 DPO - Cramps on and off. Sharp poking/pinching pain low low in my abdomen. Ears feel like their full of water...and popping. Tired, not sleeping well. Face got flush today, felt very hot. Not much appetite. Sudden burning type pains in both breasts that lasts only a few seconds. Feel kind of depressed today. Temp went back down .1 degree, very flatlined temps, I wish it would have a great big spike. I really just don't feel well at all. I think the stress of all of this is catching up with me. It's making me tired and cranky.

July 23, 2005 - 9 DPO - Nothing new really. Still tired, still no appetite. Cramps here and there. Praying. Thinking. Praying. Crying. I hate that we have to go through this. I'm not sure my RE told me to buckle my seat belt for this ride.

July 24, 2005 - 10 DPO - Same as yesterday. Bah hum bug.

July 25, 2005 - 11 DPO - Wow..I feel like crap! I just don't feel good all over. I'm hot, sick to my stomach, tired, my boobs are starting to hurt and I'm cranky! All I can say is WOW! The a/c is out at the office, so I don't know if it's that or genuine pregnancy...but let me tell you that I FEEL pregnant! I feel very pregnant and if I'm not I will be so sad because OH MY GOSH I TOTALLY FEEL PREGNANT! I will test tomorrow.

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OH MY GOD WERE PREGNANT!!!!


July 26, 2005 - 12 DPO - Well what do you know! We have a bun in the oven! I went for a beta and my hcg was only 24, but my progesterone was 22.23 The progesterone is good, but the hcg is low. Were hoping it's just because it's early (very early) in the pregnancy and the numbers will go up. OH MY GOD WERE PREGNANT!!

July 27, 2005 - 13 DPO - Today has been hard knowing that this pregnancy can go either way. The low hcg is cause for concern. We've been right here at this moment before and I hate hate HATE that were here again. Were hoping and praying for a good outcome. I'm having all the pregnancy symptoms: Fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, sore and swollen boobs. The symptoms are very comforting at the moment because I have nothing else to hold onto.

July 28, 2005 - 14 DPO - My temperature spiked to an all time high this morning. My beta results are in: hcg is 54 and progesterone is 29.13 These numbers make us feel a bit better, but I'm praying that the beta on Monday is even better!

August 1, 2005 - 18 DPO - hcg is 403! Yeah!! Progesterone dropped to 24.7, but RE doesn't seem too concerned. Were definitely preggo! I can't believe this is finally happening. We are so blessed. This was our last try! Wow. I am so excited and in awe that we are really going to have a baby.

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Spackle and marriage

I'm still pulling spackle out of my hair from the weekend. The den renovation continues despite protests from my aching back and sore knees. Were not even half way there yet and I'm so over it. I want my den back. I want my little corner to be back the way it was so I can go in there and draw, paint, scrapbook or make a card whenever the urge strikes. I have a couple of painting projects I want to start and I can't because of the mess. Spackle sucks ass. We also have 2 dogs and a toddler tracking through the mess we made. I forgot to take a picture but we now have a toddler size handprint right in the middle of the freshly spackled wall. Nice. We did get the largest wall finished, but it's little consolation because of the amount of work that is left to do. My girlfriend is highly ambitious. She thinks we will be finished in time to paint this weekend. We will be gone half a day on Saturday to a basketball game and she wants to be able to paint on Sunday. Ha ha ha ha ha. Very ambitious indeed!

The only bright spot is that my sneakers were ruined yesterday in the process and now I will be forced to buy another pair. Damn the spackle for forcing me to go shoe shopping!

Speaking of scrapbooking, I am getting this when we are through with the remodel and I am so happy! I get all giddy when I think about it.

My boss got engaged over the weekend. yeahhhh. I am SO excited. Can you tell? I get to hear about 2 people planning their wedding. You know. The only other people in the office that I am with 8 hours a day. Talking about weddings, receptions, bridesmaid dresses, churches, invitations, flowers, decorations, showers and honeymoons. Gag me. Does anyone use that expression any more? Gag me with a spoon. Why a spoon? Why not a fork or a knife? Sorry...random thoughts. I just really don't want to hear all of the wedding stuff. It became old long before Cruella got engaged and now my boss is afflicted with it. It must stop before my mouth can no longer contain the evil words floating around in my brain.

He said he would get married before the end of the year so at least the wedding nonsense will stop in no more than 10 1/2 months.

Yip-pee.

At least 2010 looks promising.

More pregnancy diary coming soon.

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Pregnancy Part 1 - Pregnancy & Miscarriage

I will be transferring my pregnancy diary to this blog from it's previous home so I can delete the old and carry on with the new.

The following took place in 2005

February 3rd Thur. - Day of insemination. Everything went well, I have the normal cramping/bloating feeling that is normal after the procedure. Praying that this time it will take. I don't know how many more times my head and my heart can do this.

February 4th Fri. - 1 DPO (Day Post Ovulation) At about 4:00 am I had a pretty bad cramp on my right side, enough to wake me up and them my moans of pain woke Jesse up. Normal bloating sensation and I craved orange juice which was kind of weird. I had right breast twinges/pain, headache, and weird "leaking" sensations. More cramping. Trying not to read too much into anything because Holy hell it has only been 1 day. Fuck this patience shit. It's for the birds.

February 5th Sat. - 2 DPO - I actually took a 2 hour nap! That rarely happens for me, I also had some slight heartburn late in the evening. Still hating the wait. Looking for symptoms that I know won't be there yet. Have I said this waiting shit is for the birds?

February 6th Sun. - 3 DPO - Nipple tenderness, and severe mood swing . OMG I'm dying with this symptom shit. Why can't we have a little turkey pop up thingy to tell us if were baking or not? Too many cooking references? The wait. Oh the wait.

February 7th Mon. - 4 DPO - Nipple tenderness still, "Full" feeling in lower abdomen, sudden pain above pelvic bone, cramping, slight nausea around 11:00 am, frequent urination (not sure if pregnancy related or just too much to drink). Birds and more birds.

February 8th Tues. - 5 DPO - I had a temperature spike this morning, and wasn't for sure what it meant so I had to do some research. The spike is indicative of implantation. BUT that isn't fool proof. We'll have to see what my temps do for the next few days. Some women get a temp spike and aren't pregnant, but it could be a good sign. I'm definitely hormonal today, I've cried twice and it's only 10:00 am. Could be pregnancy hormones, but it could just be regular old PMS! My cheeks also felt flush and I may have had a dizzy spell, it was a real quick "rush" type of feeling. I also had cramping in the afternoon, and a little bit of creamy CM. Have I mentioned that the waiting is the worst!

February 9th Wed. - 6DPO - I woke up early with heavy cramping. This isn't the type of cramping I've had the last 5 days. It's a much heavier cramp, and it feels deeper than the previous cramps. It is all across my lower abdomen, and it feels the same as cramping on the first day of your period. It made my spirits drop and I almost gave up hope on everything. The cramping has not stopped, it is continuous. I have no other symptoms. I'm still hopeful, but I'm not as positive as I was previously. (Okay, who am I kidding, positive? LMAO I'm so full of shit) I also got sick to my stomach, I don't know if that is true nausea or that I was sick to my stomach because my cramps hurt so bad. I had another temperature spike of .1 degree, I hope that is a good sign. I can only keep my fingers crossed at this point.

February 10th Thur. - 7DPO- The heavy cramps finally went away last night to be replaced with the normal cramps I've been having. I did have another temp spike of .1 degrees again, so thats a temp spike 3 days in a row, my cycle is definitely triphasic which is a really good sign. I am a tad bit constipated today as well..which is also another symptom. Coincidence? I sure hope not!! Other than that, I'm having no other symptoms. I do have info that might be relevant I just don't know. Usually I am awake long before the alarm clock goes off, and I will doze and wake up, doze and wake up. This morning I slept all the way through the night and the alarm clock woke me up. That doesn't happen often. More tired? I wish I knew!!! Only 5 more days and I might do an HPT. I may wait 7 days just to be sure. I would rather get my period than see a negative HPT!

February 11th Fri. - 8DPO - Well, my temperature dipped .2 degrees today. That isn't necessarily bad news, I kind of expected it after looking at other women's temp charts online. Today I have mild cramps, barely noticeable in the morning, but increasing as the day progresses. I don't know if that's good or bad. I am a bit moody today, but my back and hip hurts so that may be why. I am a bit discouraged today because of lack of symptoms, but I'm not giving up yet. After all, some women don't have any symptoms until after they miss their period. I hope the weekend brings good news. I will be in class all weekend, hopefully that will make the time go by really fast.

February 12th & 13th Sat & Sun - 9 & 10 DPO - Cramps eased off on 12th, totally disappearing on 13th. No symptoms whatsoever! Not very hopeful. Temps went back up after dip, staying the same on both days. Took an EPT knowing that it was too early, it was negative of course. Hoping to not give in to the temptation to test again.

February 14th Mon. - 11 DPO - No cramps in the morning. No symptoms. My temp dipped .5 degrees...not a good sign. Late afternoon, cramps started and are getting heavier as the day goes on. My face feels "flushed", I'm having to put my coke can on my face to feel better. Not sure if my body is hot, or the office is hot. Looked at my calendar and realized today is day 28 of my cycle. My period should arrive today according to my last period, but not until Wednesday according to the 14 day rule for ovulation. So if I don't start at all today, I will have a glimmer of hope. I will probably wait until Thursday to test. KEEPING FINGERS CROSSED TIGHT!!!

February 15th Tues. - 12 DPO - Well my temp is the same as yesterday. I guess it's a good thing that it didn't drop more. I didn't get my period yesterday, but that only makes me assume that I will get it tomorrow on the 14th day after ovulation. I suppose we'll see. I do have cramping again today, but that could mean anything. I don't know if I've gotten so upset today worrying about everything, but my stomach is in an uproar! My stomach hurts and I'm a bit nauseated. Do I think I'm pregnant? No, not really, I think I've gotten myself into such an emotional state that I've made myself sick. I wish I could calm down. I guess in 2 days I will either be calm or excited. Either way I hope to feel better...unless I have morning sickness...then I'll be just as happy!!

February 16th Wed. - 13 DPO - Ended up spotting a little last night but no spotting today! AF is supposed to arrive this afternoon. BIG GRIN! My temp spiked as well. I'm not sure what all of this means, but at this point I'm very hopeful.

February 17th Thur. - 14 DPO - I did end up having some spotting last night that was a bit heavier than the previous spotting. Still cramping somewhat. Nothing major. Had a small temp dip this morning, again nothing major. I half expected it to drop real low to indicate that my period would arrive today, but it didn't. I am literally on pins and needles just waiting for something to happen. I'm afraid to take an HPT, I just can't handle a negative!! If my period doesn't arrive, I will probably hold out until Saturday or Sunday to test...just to be sure.

February 18th Fri - 15 DPO - Okay, my temp is the same as yesterday. No spotting today at all. BUT I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. *bummer* Getting cramps on and off. I'm so afraid to get my hopes up. No other symptoms, unless you count being hungry all of the time...but I've been so busy that eating hasn't been a priority lately, so I could ACTUALLY be hungry. So I guess I'm officially 1 day late! I'm keeping those fingers crossed!!

February 19th & 20th Sat & Sun - 16 & 17 DPO - Saturday I had a tiny bit of spotting, I did have to pee a lot today (wondering if I was drinking a lot)no other "real" symptoms. My temp spiked higher than it has been the whole cycle. I seem to be eating more, but that could be stress eating. Sunday got a negative HPT, had more spotting than previously. No symptoms to speak of. Getting very frustrated that I don't know anything yet. My temp also dropped close to the cover line...getting a little depressed about all of this.

February 21st Mon. - 18 DPO - My temp dropped .1 degree from yesterday, I'm feeling like it's not looking good. No cramps in the am, but in the afternoon the cramps have returned and are pretty severe, with them being this bad I expect my period to arrive any second. I'm not feeling hopeful about this anymore. This morning felt like a normal day mid cycle. I did some research online and found that there are a lot of women out there who negative HPT's sometimes to even 9 days late, so I'm still holding on to hope, but at this point not much. It has been a long time since I have been this late. *sigh* I hate this waiting.

February 22nd Tue. - 19 DPO - WE'RE PREGNANT!!

We got a faint positive on the HPT this morning!! We are so happy!!!

February 24th - Unfortunately we have miscarried.

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We should rename my blog "I hate my co-worker"

Wow. I never in my life thought that I would complain so much about Cruella, but this woman lives in her own world. And if I hear her say "While I appreciate the fact that you're trying to help..." one more time I might just have to say "While I appreciate your attempt to be a decent human being, you are failing miserably and I need to unhook your battery."

Yesterday she was making phone calls on company time trying to find an organization that would help a family pay their medical bills (because her father takes it upon himself to help strays and wayward families). During the phone calls she said what her name was and that she worked for "XYZ Company".

My internal alarm bells started going off so when she got off the phone I asked her who she was making the calls for and instead of just saying "My dad" she gave me a 5 minute explanation about her father taking in strays and helping out the homeless and that he always has some sort of project going to help people and this one time he...... after that it was all blah blah blah.

Before I let her finish her little speech I had to interrupt and I said "So your answer is your dad." Was I being a bitch? I'm so sick of her long winded back stories. She over explains everything and I just don't have that kind of time.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that she has a big enough heart to try to help some people out but she was misrepresenting our company.

Our company is not trying to help this family and the fact that she is dropping our name makes it sound like we are behind this endeavor. It's misleading and dishonest. This was a personal matter and she should have never said our company name out loud.

So I called her on it. The thing about finally speaking out and standing up to your co-worker is that it gets easier every time you do it. I told her that I felt it was a misrepresentation of us because our company was not seeking help on their behalf and that her name dropping was inappropriate. She said she didn't intend for it to sound that way. I said "okay" and left it at that.

10 minutes later.... "While appreciate the fact that you spoke up about how you felt, I would prefer it if you wouldn't say "okay" and just tell me what you think. Tell me that you think it's wrong or tell me anything, but just don't say "okay" and then walk away.

She had a good point. I hated her for it. I wanted to poke out her eyes and cram them up her nose.

So I told her that I thought it was inappropriate to misrepresent who you are calling on behalf of because our company had nothing to do with it and she shouldn't have name dropped.

I could go on and on because let me just tell you, Cruella can beat a subject to death. She will talk about any given thing so much that you finally just give in because apparently, telling her to shut the fuck up would be wrong. At least that's what they tell me. I'm not so sure. It would seem to be an effective tool if you ask me.

I tried my hardest not to speak to her for the rest of the day. Why I let this person ruin my mood and get under my skin so much I will never know. What I do know is that almost every person in the company who has had the guts to say it out loud has said they don't like her and wouldn't trust her for anything.

So in the end I'm not the only one who has problems with her. It seems 99% of our staff feel the same way. They are fortunate not to have to share an office with her. I know more about wedding planning than I ever cared to. Just like everyday, she's going to show me something wedding related and I'm going to tell her that it's ugly and that I can't believe she would have that at her wedding.

Maybe she will be the one who leaves the office angry and blue. I think it's her turn now.

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Repercussions

I probably should have thought about this before my tolerance for my co-worker wore thin and before I grew a pair of nubbin balls and told her she was wasting staff meeting time. Arrggggg arrgggggg.

What I have done has slowly sunk in and there is a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have realized that Cruella will not take any of this lightly. She holds a grudge and she will seek revenge. That revenge will probably be in the form of attempting to humiliate me in front of an audience of as many people as she can gather. She will lie in wait, licking her hands like a lioness plotting her next kill. She will let the the little opportunities pass by like field mice all the while licking her chops knowing that an antelope will soon turn that corner. Oh yes, she's waiting to pounce and she will go for the jugular and she won't stop chomping until I'm thoroughly humiliated. Then she will lick her lips in satisfaction over her triumphant kill, preen herself and pull her shoulders back with pride because she stuck it to me good.

It's unfortunate that I feel this way about her. Knowing that every time I stand up to her or say something she doesn't want to hear that she will get back at me one way or the other. Now that I have spoken up it seems that I have thrown down the gauntlet and there is no picking it back up and saying "Haha, just kidding you great person you!" So now I have to own what I did, stand behind it and continue to speak up. Otherwise she will continue to goad me into these trivial little games she plays. What games? Let me give you an example or 20.

Situation #1.

We have a meeting that starts in 10 minutes. Cruella is on her way out and stops at my desk and asks "Can I help you with something?" I say "Sure, can you make 10 copies of this?" "No problem." She replies. She makes my 10 copies and then leaves to go to the meeting. I am literally 1 minute behind her. When we arrive to the meeting she announces to everyone "Sorry, I'm late. I had to help Kathy get ready for this meeting."

It took her doing that 3 times before I figured out what she was doing. She was running behind for all of these meetings and offered her assistance in order to blame me for her being tardy and unprepared. Picture me realizing what she was doing and then being unable to say "That fucking bitch." in my out loud voice. I thought my head was going to explode.

Situation #2.

We had some items go missing from one of our facilities that had to be closed down. I made a passing joke to Cruella that maybe I should call the former employees and just make sure I have their correct address for the "police investigation" to maybe scare someone into returning the items. It was a flip comment and I had no intention of taking that statement to my boss. It was kind of a joke. 30 minutes later we are both in a meeting with our boss and Cruella opened her big fat smelly mouth and said "Kathy had this idea that......" and then went on to explain what I had said. I should have known that she would do this because it's not the first time she has ratted me out about something I said. So, I felt that I had to own the comment and my boss kind of snickered about it and said maybe we should do something like that.

This is where she totally drives a knife into my back. She said that she thought it was a bad idea, talked about why it was a bad idea and then provided her own solution to retrieve the missing items. Now I have no problem with her telling us her ideas. If she has a solution to a problem then that is just great, but she threw me under the bus and intentionally tried to make me look bad before she told us her brilliant idea that was so much better than mine. That just isn't cool. I will make sure that if I am in the room and can stop her, she will never do that to me again. It was humiliating to say the least. The second she says "Kathy said..." I am going to give her a verbal smack down.

In the end, I had the last laugh. I proceeded with my idea and it worked. The missing items were "miraculously" found.

These are just 2 of the many examples of why I hate her so much. I know that hate is such a strong word, but when she uses people the way she does it evokes very strong emotions. I think she's fake and she gives off the impression that she is better than you. To me she is white trash trying to live a life of status that she only received (in her head) once she became engaged to her fiance who is an up and coming member of society who works for a prestigious local firm.

You can take the girl off the farm and put her in a party dress but she's still going to say "Yee haw."

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I did it!

***UPDATE!! SEE BELOW***

First of all, like the new layout? I love it! It's pink! I will make a few changes here and there when I get the chance, but for now I love it.....

My title. Your wondering what it means right? You are on your seat with anticipation right? Your salivating just at the mere thought that I am about to tell you something profound. Right? Well, here it is.

I finally told my co-worker to shut up. Sort of. Well, not really. But kind of!

Here's the thing. At our staff meeting this morning she rattled on and on about a project that is going on and it had nothing to do with the rest of the staff in the room. The subject could have been addressed in her regular meeting with our boss. Why she chose to waste time during this meeting I just don't know but she does it A LOT. I think she wasted 20 minutes today. Meanwhile, me and another co-worker were exchanging funny looks and we finally had to look away from each other lest we start falling out of our chairs in a fit of manic giggling.

I would have hated having to explain that to my boss.

I told her that I felt subjects that do not involve the rest of the staff wastes staff meeting time and the information could have been given to our boss at their regular meeting. It left the rest of us doodling in our notebooks and checking our watches. I finally had to speak up about it.

See those little nubbins? Those are my balls. You need a magnifying glass, but by golly they are there. And their all mine.

Let's see what happens with my co-worker. Something tells me she will do something to get back at me.

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So! After stewing about what I said this morning, my co-worker came to me, sat in the chair in front of me and started talking. Let me start this by saying that when she needs to convince someone that she is sick, or that she feels personally "injured" her voice drops real low, soft and rough. So that is how it started. With "the voice".

"First, I want to thank you for being mindful of the time I wasted talking about something that should have been a direct conversation. I try to be aware of those things so I appreciate you helping me. The reason I spoke about that topic during our staff meeting is because it was new information on Friday and I had not had a chance to speak with Harold (our boss) and I wanted to make sure that he had all of the information. I don't want to have to go into his office 10 times a day every time I have new information so I thought I would be bugging him less, whereas the other staff only talk to him a couple of times per week. But again, I want you to know that I am thankful that you are there to make sure I'm not wasting precious time that could be used for more productive purposes."

I just have one thing to say about that. Fuck off.
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My blog...it hurts

If anyone has any ideas on how to re-vamp the look of my blog, I am open to suggestions. It's like having green shag carpet.

Linoleum? Tile? Wood flooring?

Options people. Options.

That nutty ghost

I still have no idea what the hell is wrong with my blog. I hope to have some time this weekend to fix it.....on to today's post!!

Our little ghosty-poo was up to his old tricks again last night. There is nothing like sitting in the living room with your family watching TV and then the toys in the bedroom start making noise like someone is playing with them. It's even worse, when your sitting on the couch and you can see down the hallway and into Molly's room and can actually see the lights on the toy light up. Ferrreaky!

It's a good thing I don't scare easily. Meh. Okay, I almost had to change my panties. Don't be judging me. If you don't have a ghost then you have no idea how reliable your bladder would be in this situation. Come over if you want to test it out. I won't point and laugh at the wet spot. Promise!

I don't mind that I can feel the presence in our house or that I can usually tell which room it's in. It hangs out in Molly's room mostly which is why she hates sleeping in there. Of course I can only assume that. Little kids have a way of knowing these things. She doesn't like being in her room, let alone sleep in there. Which reminds me, we need a bigger bed because our Queen size bed is getting a little small for 2 fat lesbians, a 3 year old and 2 dogs. God forbid if Eugene has a nightmare and needs to crawl in bed too. I don't know how much our poor bed can take.

I've never felt afraid of whatever is in our house, just always aware of it. It makes my skin crawl sometimes but I don't worry about it hurting us. So we go on with life and after almost 6 years in this house the little bugger is still hanging out with us. I just hope I don't wake up again to find a pile of random shit neatly stacked on top of each other. That incident was a bit more tinkle inducing than I care for.

Until he comes a knocking again I have stocked up on clean panties.

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Oh my holy hell

I told myself that I was not going to make any posts about my co-worker Amanda. I even went through my archives and deleted anything that was even remotely negative about her.

Why? Why?

Because I'm fucking stupid that's why. I was worried about hurting her feelings and I was worried that if she read some of the things I said about her that I would have trouble facing her and I would be completely embarrassed. I was being all whiny about not having the balls to say what I want to on MY blog.

Fuck that shit.

I'm about 2 seconds away from hurting her feelings and snapping her neck right after. If she isn't driving me insane with her wedding plans that I could care less about then she's being obnoxious with any one of a million clients on the phone and that is only the beginning!

She told my (our) assistant this morning that she was too defensive when she pointed out mistakes to her. I think being defensive with anything when it comes to Amanda is justified. She pointed out shit that was in my opinion totally stupid. And we all know that it's my opinion that counts. And only my opinion. I'm just saying. It's a given, but sometimes a reminder is needed.

This afternoon I was meeting with the accountant Kelly. When Kelly asked me a question Amanda answered before I could even draw in a breath to speak. Then when Kelly asked another question, she did it again. Even Kelly was annoyed. It's none of her business. Leave the accounting & bookkeeping to me sugar tits and you just keep on sniffing every one's ass.

Then she said "Oh I'm sorry, I should have let you answer. I think out loud and I should have kept my mouth shut." I ignored her. I should have responded. I'm such a pussy. I need to speak up, but my balls? They are missing. I've searched for them. I had them at one point. Brass ones. Big ones. Where did they go? I hear that they shrivel in cold water but they eventually return. I need to form a search party for them.

Missing: Kathy's Balls
Description: Big and brass
Last seen: Sometime in 2002
Reward: My undying love and devotion

What do you mean you could care less about my love and devotion? That hurts. Fucker.

Now? I want her to go the fuck away. I can't wait for the construction for our new office to be finished so she will be behind a door and out of my way and out of my business. I figure once she gets married and knocked up she'll resign and become a Stepford wife so I just have to hang in there for another year or so. Anyone know how to sabotage birth control?

I'm just saying.

Later Bitches.

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Whaa?

Something happened to my layout. It went berserk. I'm not sure I have the energy to even mess with it this week.

Ice storm rolled in. My boss doesn't think it's that bad and said everyone is overreacting. The governor declared a state of emergency for the entire state. But it's not that bad. *rolling eyes with much vigor*

I'm sure it will take me 3 hours to make my 20 minute drive home. Slick roads don't scare me, it's the 10 million idiots that get on the road the minute a droplet of moisture forms.

I will update soon. Promise.

Critters

We all went to bed fairly early last night. Lin as usual was exhausted and was asleep shortly after 8:00 pm. I hate that her work is so physically draining. She's also having some back pain. I would be tired too if I were on my feet all day dealing with customers. Lucky for me I get to sit on my ass all day and the biggest risk to my health is paper cuts and carpal tunnel.

Molly & I crawled into bed because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama of putting her in her own bed and we were both asleep fairly quick. We all slept so sound. It was an awesome night. That is, until 4:30 this morning.

Depending on where everyone sleeps the dogs have their favorite place to sleep. Eugene keeps his door shut at night so they don't sleep with him. If Molly is in her own bed, 1 or both of the dogs are sleeping with her. If Molly, Lin and I are all in the same bed the dogs are with us too. Dobby sleeps under the covers, Claude sleeps on top. Weirdos.

At 4:30 am Claude rocketed off the bed and ran down the hall barking like a freaking lunatic. He barked like I have never heard him bark before. He ran out through the dog door, ran to the other end of the dog run and went completely berserk. It was such a guttural wild, hysterical bark that it was pretty frightening. It took us 10 minutes to get him to come back inside. I'm not sure where Dobby went, we were too worried about what the fuck Claude was freaking out about.

Because there is a history (story to be shared later) of possums present in our backyard, we can only assume that it was another one. Possibly looking for it's relative that dropped dead in our flower bed. It could also have been 1 of 2 cats that prowl around the neighborhood. The food and water are right next to the dog door and apparently at 4:30 this morning the temptation was too great and the critter was hungrier than it was scared.

At least I can say the big lug is a as good at guarding our house as he is at licking people to death. Not a bad character trait to have in a dog. The guarding...not the licking. After I got up this morning, I went outside to see if there was actually anything to see in the dog run. I didn't find any critters but I did find 5 empty Cheetos bags, 2 diapers, 3 balls, an empty coke bottle and a deck of cards.

I don't know what the hell kind of party goes on in that dog run when we're not home but I'm thinking an intervention might happen soon. I will be taking donations for Claude's rehab.

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Bitchy

Just so you all know. I just threw everything off my desk and onto the floor and cried like a big baby.

I think that is the equivalent of throwing myself on the floor and kicking my feet.

My level of frustration and hate for my job and my boss is overwhelming. I've been sitting at my desk in tears trying with all my might to keep it together. All I want to do is walk the fuck out. If it weren't for that damn survival instinct and the instinct to provide for my children I would walk out. I sometimes envy people who can just up and quit and not worry about tomorrow.

I worry about tomorrow. I worry about next week, next month.

The urge to say "Fuck it" is very overwhelming.

Hanging on by a thread.

Ready to drop my basket.

Praying for relief.

Hopeless.

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Hate Mail

Oh my gosh. I need to start off by saying THANK YOU because apparently I have more than 3 readers. I received hate mail from all of them but hello? More than 3 readers! I'm just so tickled. Thanks for stopping by assholes, there is more to come that is sure to piss you off. Come back and see me ya hear?

Lets address both of the morons who emailed me a nasty little note shall we?

Robert M. said "Your a fucking idiot. You shouldn't be complaning about your job. At least you have a fucking job. Shut up and be gratfull that you are able to feed your kids and keep your house!"

First of all Bob, can I call you Bob? No? Okay, I'll just call you dick face. I consider myself quite intelligent as I am able to distinguish the difference between the words "your" and you're. A skill that you are apparently lacking. I would also reconsider using your spell check because dude! Secondly, if I stop complaining just because there are so many other people in the world that are worse off than I am then all of that pressure would just build up in my system and eventually blow out of one of my orifices. I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant so I'm just going to have to let it out. I will not stop complaining because someone else has more to complain about. If every person in the world did not complain because someone else had it worse then the world would be free of complainers with the exception of that one last person who has it worse than than the entire population of the world. So if I want to complain because I'm not happy with my job then I'm going to do it and you can suck it.

Tiffany0875 said "God you are suck a bitch. At least you have a job. My boyfriend was laid off from his factory job and now we have to move in with his parents and his mother hates me. She doesn't work either but she expects ME to pay her rent. She's so selfish. So stop complaining, there are people out here with REAL prblems. Okay?"

Oh my. I almost don't have to say anything about this one do I? I'm wondering if the first sentence is a Freudian slip. Miss Tiffany. Shut your hole, close your legs, move back home with your mother and watch the news. Watch the news twice a day. I'm begging you for the sake of everyone who has to share oxygen with you.

I understand that there are people who are struggling just to put food on the table and I'm sorry that such struggles exist but I am not going to shut my mouth because I am in a better situation than others. Everything is relative. I hate my job. End of story. I want to do something with my life that I enjoy, something I will be proud of, something that will not suck the life out of me on a daily basis. If I give in to this life of ho-hum, I'm not going to be happy. I want the happy. I want the fulfillment. I want to have pride. So if that seems outrageous to you because I'm an ingrate well then you can just suck it too.

Now where did I put my tiara?

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Work time Blues

I am a bit depressed today and I know it shouldn't be. We have a new President after all. It should be a day full of hopes for our future and happiness about the changes to come. Yeah, yeah I'm down with all of that.

This is a professional kind of depression. I have the work time blues. It's no secret that my job is pretty laid back. I do get time to write these here blog entries and there have been other (lots of) times when I have been guilty of goofing off during work hours. If you take away the laid back factor then I'm left with pushing paperwork around. I will never get a promotion, I will never get demoted. I have no where to go. Sure, I will get my yearly raise but it's standard and unless I fuck up royally it's pretty much a guaranteed raise. I have never not received one and in the many years I have been here I have only seen it happen once. It was an extreme circumstance.

My point is, I'm tired. I'm getting sick of pushing around papers knowing I am never going to do anything else. I'm good at what I do but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I feel like Chandler from Friends. I'm good at the W.E.N.U.S. but I don't want to be. There are people out there who are fulfilling their dreams. They are doing their own thing and they are happy about it.

I blame all of this on my girlfriend who mentioned that it is possible that a particular business that we both like might be sold due to the owners health issues. It's a successful business that has been in operation for 15 years. She made me start thinking about the possibilities of owning my own business. Something that I would have pride in, a place where all of my hard work isn't for nothing.

So now I sit at work all bitchy and whoa is me because I don't want to fucking be here anymore. I'm sure that tomorrow I will be better. Maybe. Whatever. I get like this every so often. I browse through the classified ads looking for another job and a few days later I get over it and get back to working hard at my job. It's a painful cycle that I wish I could just put an end to one way or another. I need to find happiness with what I am doing at my current job or take the steps necessary to open my own business and just shut the fuck up already.

Painful.

I need an intervention or something. Balls to just get out there and go for it, or balls to shut my mouth and push the paper around on my desk.

I guess this is sort of a public prayer. I just need some strength to go one direction or the other.

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On weddings

My co-worker is engaged. She has been engaged since the day I met her. It was almost a year later before she got the ring to make it official. I listened to her whine about not getting the ring or the question during a special occasion and it was driving her nuts. In turn, she was driving me nuts. I wanted the guy to pop the question and give her the ring before I hunted him down and smacked him upside the head with a bag of "whine".

She's getting married in 4 months so now I am bombarded with dresses, jewelry, shoes and wedding details. I'm sick of it. I was sick of it before it even started. Her wedding shouldn't cause me this much stress.

Now? I found out that my boss just bought an engagement ring for his girlfriend. I don't know if I can live through two people in my office planning weddings.

I'm tired of looking at invitations and necklaces and dresses and bridesmaid gifts and color schemes. I don't care and I don't want to know.

I just need her to shut up.

Okay, whining over.

For now. *wink*

Conversations

Actual conversation:

After Amanda's sister left....

Amanda: God, let me just tell you that I hate that my sister is so skinny. We had the same parents and she's this bean pole and I'm not. She has three kids and is still so skinny. She eats anything she wants, how much she wants and she constantly has candy around the house. She is always making deserts and she never has to exercise. I just hate it.

Me: Didn't you once tell me that she has stomach issues and spends a lot of time on the toilet because food goes right through her?

Amanda: Well yeah, but hell, if I thought having constant diarrhea would work I would start taking laxatives right now.

Me: Well, if you end up doing that, your going to have to use a different bathroom.

She gave me a dirty look like I was the one who was out of line.

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Anger

I am an office manager for a non-profit. That's pretty much all I am going to say about who I work for, I would prefer that my job stays private because of this here blog. We are building a new facility. It's a huge facility but the administrative offices are pretty small. I was able to go inside and see the progress of the facility today and I left angry.

By the time we are able to move into the new space I will have worked for this company for almost 5 years. I am not a secretary and I'm not a receptionist. I am the office manager. What this means is that I am the entire human resources department, the entire payroll department, the entire accounting department, the entire A/P, A/R department, taker of minutes, scheduler of meetings, and a whole host of other responsilities that would take forever to list. I am a very busy person despite the fact that I joke around about being a bad employee. I do my job, and I'm very good at it.

That being said, when I saw how small my "area" of the new facility was I wanted to cry. I have a very small "receptionist" space and I have to share that space with my assistant, the copy machine, 3 printers, fax machine, postage machine, filing cabinets, etc.

That's not the only problem. There will be an empty office that I do not get to be in. I would think that after 5 years of hard work and loyalty that I have earned the right to have my own fucking office instead of the receptionist spot. I have repeated time after time that we need a full time receptionist so I can spend more time on the important things. I already have a part time assistant, it would not add an unreasonable amount to the budget to go ahead and hire someone full time.

I'm so angry and frustrated. I don't understand why my boss doesn't see me as a valuable asset that deserves her own office. The empty office will remain empty because we don't have it in our budget to hire a person for the position "reserved" for that space.

God damnit I'm so fucking pissed off. I have 6 months to figure out a way to convince my boss I deserve that office and to hire a full time receptionist.

DAMN IT ALL! FUCK FUCKITY FUCKING SHIT!

No, I don't fucking feel better after that.

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WTF is up with LGBT blogs?

So the 2008 weblog awards are going on right now. I looked up the list for the best LGBT blog and do you know what I found?

They all pretty much suck and I don't know how they ended up being finalists.

There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Since when does every worthwhile blog have to be about politics, book reviews, protests, Prop 8, down with GW, etc...boring..etc...

When I think of LGBT, I think of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered. (Duh.)

I don't think of legislation, picketing, and all of that other crap. If I wanted to read a political blog, I would read one. Who picks who is worthy and who isn't?

Give me a gay or lesbian blog that talks about living in the real world, trials and tribulations, coming out to friends, family or work. Parenting, pregnancy, sex and daily life for an ordinary un-political gay person. Seriously, of all the gay people I know, there is 1 who lives their life by politics. The rest? They keep up when they can but they are busy living.

Don't get me wrong, if that is your cup of tea then have a little sugar, sugar but get real. I want to see blogs of substance. A substance other than the political views I have to scrape off the bottom of my shoe.

I guess I am just disappointed that the best LGBT blog will be a political one, rather than an actual LGBT blog.

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Christmas Update Part II

Saturday Dec. 27th: An hour & 15 minute road trip for Jesse's grandmothers funeral. 6 of us packed into the van. Thankfully, no one had gas. We had lunch with the ENTIRE (20+)family before the funeral and I ate some really bad pizza. The funeral was short and sweet, but Jesse left her glasses in the van and I had to pin a rose pendant onto her grandmothers lapel. *shudder* (I see sawed back and forth between "Don't touch her" and "Breathe Kathy breathe!" After a short few minutes of crying and hugging and wiping our snotty noses we headed back home. We rested for less than an hour before we loaded up the kids again and met everyone for Chinese food. Now that was a fun evening. It was good food and good chatting, but the best part was making the reservation on the way home from the funeral. Jesse's family name is the same as a particular Asian name and when I gave the name for the reservation, the gentleman on the other end of the phone asked me if we were American or Asian. *blink* WTF does it matter? Will we get a different table if I say Asian? What if I say 10 of us are American and the other two are Korean would that have made a difference? I of course said "American."

Then everyone started laughing and asked if he really asked if we were Asian or American. I of course said "Yes." Then they all started laughing again.

You have to understand that 30 minutes earlier there was a great story about going to a restaurant and when they asked for a name to put down because there was a wait, he said "Jesus, party of 12." and everyone laughed their ass off. You just had to have been there. It was funny, trust me.


Sunday Dec. 27th: Jesse had to work, I was so sick of Christmas that Eugene and I packed up every stinking Christmas decoration in the house and put it in the attic. Ahhhh life back to normal. Oh..and I took a nap with Molly. Awesome!

It's now January 5th and I'm back to work *cough*. Busy at my desk. Working hard. Catching up. About to kick my co-workers ass. That's another story.

I'm full of stories with not enough time to share them all. Or finger stamina.

Later bitches.

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Christmas Update Part I

Holy Shit! I knew it had been a while since I blogged, but I didn't realize it had been this long. My sincere apologies to my 3 readers.


Where does one start when you've had a non-stop period of drama?


Let's put this in some kind of understandable order.


Monday, Dec. 22nd: Jesse's grandmother's blood pressure dropped and she became unresponsive. This was my first day of vacation. I got the living room cleaned and took a nap with Molly. Jesse's mom went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a torn Miniscus & will require surgery.


Tuesday, Dec. 23rd: Jesse's grandmother has shown no improvement, they are keeping her as comfortable as possible. I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap with Molly.


Wednesday, Dec. 24th: At 5:30 a.m. Jesse wakes me up to tell me her grandmother passed away. I jump out of bed to try to help her gather her things and go to the nursing home. 15 minutes later after I finally woke up and realized what was going on I made a cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table and cried like a baby. Then I watched a re-run of Beverly Hills 90210. After that I made eleventy billion chocolate covered pretzels before either of the kids woke up. Later, the pretzels would be a big hit. I also took another nap with Molly.


We usually have a Christmas Eve celebration at Jesse's mom's house. We have light finger foods, visit and exchange gifts. We had to have it at our house because there was no heat at Jesse's mom's house. CRAP. Do you know what kind of mad dash I did to clean the house. I was like the Tasmanian Devil with a dust buster in hand. Eugene got to play Santa and handed out gifts and it was a pretty fun night.


I received a very cute pendant with the letter K in it and a giant road map book (which I requested). The kids of course scored like they do every year and they hadn't even opened our gifts to them or "Santa's" gifts yet. The only down side was the fact that we bought both Jesse's mom and her sister a DVD and I addressed both of them to her sister. That's what happens when I'm left to be in charge of the wrapping. Why Jesse left the wrapping to the former JW who has very little experience in the wrapping category I have no clue. When I finally kicked everyone out got everyone out of the house I was relieved, except for the fact that Jesse's mom had to stay the night because of the no heat at her house issue.


Thursday Dec. 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches! We had a lovely Christmas morning with Jesse's mom. Eugene got everything on his list except 2 items (more on that later) and Molly was just giddy with all of her new stuff. I can't tell you how hard it was to stuff a Hilshire Farms sausage log into a stocking along with a can of easy cheese. The boy loves it! Santa left a box a crackers for him. (I can have a white trash moment as long as it is a brief moment)


After all the opening of the presents we started making breakfast. Biscuits & Gravy, scrambled eggs and Blue & Gold sausage. I had a big cup of coffee and I was happier than a puppy with 2 peckers! (Okay, 2 white trash moments). Then Eugene said the following: "I am very happy with everything that I got but I was a little disappointed that I didn't get one of the things on my list." Of course, I asked what that one thing was and he said "Iron Man on DVD." It was at that moment that both Jesse and I snapped our necks and looked at each and said at the same: "Shit! Where is it?" I didn't see that DVD when I got the rest of the DVD's out of the secret hiding place. I thought Jesse was gonna beat me down right at that moment. I swear to the little Christmas Elves that I did not see it. It's not my fault. I was overwhelmed with all of the wrapping and funeral planning and doctor appointments and house cleaning. What the hell, give me a damn break! Jesus H. Christ. So Eugene got a bonus gift it seems.


2 hours later we had to be on the road to Jesse's aunts house for Christmas Day lunch/dinner (lunner? linner? dlunner?) where Molly & Eugene got to open MORE gifts. I would to offically say that when I find the person who invented the tiny little plastic Barbie high heels I am going to punch him in the face. Those things hurt when you step on them and not even a little bit. When we finally got home I was exhausted.


I think I officially ate my weight in food during my Christmas vacation and I'm still not full.


Friday Dec 26th: What day is it? I watched TV and took a nap with Molly. I think that is really all I got accomplished that day. Jesse's brother flew in from California and they all gathered at Jesse's mom's house and I stayed home because I NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK!


To be continued......