I am a bit depressed today and I know it shouldn't be. We have a new President after all. It should be a day full of hopes for our future and happiness about the changes to come. Yeah, yeah I'm down with all of that.
This is a professional kind of depression. I have the work time blues. It's no secret that my job is pretty laid back. I do get time to write these here blog entries and there have been other (lots of) times when I have been guilty of goofing off during work hours. If you take away the laid back factor then I'm left with pushing paperwork around. I will never get a promotion, I will never get demoted. I have no where to go. Sure, I will get my yearly raise but it's standard and unless I fuck up royally it's pretty much a guaranteed raise. I have never not received one and in the many years I have been here I have only seen it happen once. It was an extreme circumstance.
My point is, I'm tired. I'm getting sick of pushing around papers knowing I am never going to do anything else. I'm good at what I do but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I feel like Chandler from Friends. I'm good at the W.E.N.U.S. but I don't want to be. There are people out there who are fulfilling their dreams. They are doing their own thing and they are happy about it.
I blame all of this on my girlfriend who mentioned that it is possible that a particular business that we both like might be sold due to the owners health issues. It's a successful business that has been in operation for 15 years. She made me start thinking about the possibilities of owning my own business. Something that I would have pride in, a place where all of my hard work isn't for nothing.
So now I sit at work all bitchy and whoa is me because I don't want to fucking be here anymore. I'm sure that tomorrow I will be better. Maybe. Whatever. I get like this every so often. I browse through the classified ads looking for another job and a few days later I get over it and get back to working hard at my job. It's a painful cycle that I wish I could just put an end to one way or another. I need to find happiness with what I am doing at my current job or take the steps necessary to open my own business and just shut the fuck up already.
I need an intervention or something. Balls to just get out there and go for it, or balls to shut my mouth and push the paper around on my desk.
I guess this is sort of a public prayer. I just need some strength to go one direction or the other.