Friday, August 1, 2008

Cancer sucks y'all.

I have worked for the same company for almost 4 years. I came here because the pay and benefits were so much better than at my previous job. I loved my last job. It was at a graphic design firm and although there were only 6 of us, it was fun. We had monthly pot-luck lunches, played music and had a good time. I even found out that a co-worker got caught cheating on his wife and when she found out he was permanently in the dog-house trying to make up for it. Boy she treated him like trash and I got my rocks off on his self inflicted misfortune. I'm kind of twisted that way.

I worked my ass off for little pay but I enjoyed it. I didn't have to wear business suits but I attempted to dress in business casual. I've always said that I dress for my income level so I'll leave it up to you to interpret that. Every year our health insurance went up without fail. My salary never went up without fail. So every year I worked there I was making less money. This fact did not go unnoticed because I do have a few brain cells that didn't die off during the great bong adventure of 91. I asked my boss for a raise. I got one. I should have been bitch slapped with putrid tuna, it would have been less painful than the puny raise I received. I was insulted. I got a new job but I cried myself into hysterics the day I left.

4 years later, I am looking for a new job yet again. When your girlfriend comments on happy you seem and your so chatty and I remember this girl, this is the girlfriend I use to have, you start to wonder what happened. I wondered out loud "Well what has changed?" The painful truth hit me in the face like big fat shit ball. I was on vacation. From work. From my boss. From that place that drags me into the deepest pits of hell and then sweats on me like a dirty whore. I knew it was time to leave.

After my small vacation, it took 3 days of being in the office before my boss put a giant guilt trip on me about something that happened a year ago and was out of my control. The very next day (which was yesterday) I started job hunting. I actually applied online for 3 different jobs. I considered it using my lunch time wisely instead of abusing company time to find my next job. Yesterday afternoon my boss called Amanda and I into the conference room to tell us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I held it together while he explained everything that has happened and everything that was going to happen. Then he asked me if I was okay. I cried. Like a big baby. I cried. He said it was okay, but it's not okay.

I felt so guilty for all of the mean thoughts and all of the bitching I had done about him in the previous weeks. All of his actions plus being overworked and stressed about a multitude of things showered me with guilt. Linda had to remind me that my unhappiness with my boss and my desire to find a new job has to separated from the fact that he has cancer. And she's right. I do have to find a way to separate all of this so my judgement doesn't become cloudy. But FUCK! This is hard. My heart tells me stay until he's well, my head tells me that I have to do what is right for me and I have to let go of the rest.

When he walked through the door this morning, I wanted to cry. This man, despite the fact that he can be a condescending ass came to my fathers funeral and I cried in his arms and he didn't let go until I was ready. Fuck. This is hard.

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