Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy New Year Bitches!

Okay, it’s the same every year right? Eat less, exercise more, blah blah, whatever. Then the guilt of never actually doing anything. Why set myself up for failure? How about these for New Years Resolutions?

1. I will eat chocolate every single day and I will feel huge amounts of guilt for it and wish that my gag reflex was more sensitive so I could binge and purge like normal people, you know like Mary Kate and Nicole Richie.

2. I will give in to the daily fatigue of working/dropping off and picking up kids, laundry, etc. and sit on my ass in the evening watching re-runs of Two and half men instead of playing games with the kids, or reading to the baby, you know the not-so-important stuff.3

. I will kick the dog at least 4 times this year in order to beat my record of 3 times last year. Awesome! If your an animal rights activist, shut up.

4. Eat my weight in ice cream!! I can’t wait!

5. Exercise 2 days in a row and then wait 6 months to do it again. I don’t know about you but this is going to be so fucking hard to accomplish. The pressure I put on myself is immeasurable.

6. Drink my weight in Coca Cola. I wonder if I can keep from going over. The limit of this one just about breaks my heart.

7. Work 5 hours out of 8 at my job instead of my normal 4. Give it up for the workaholic.

8. Make fun of my boss at least 3 times this year. Ummm...yeah. Ooops.

I think for the most part I will be able to live up to these resolutions. It will be a hard road, but I’m willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I will gladly rise to the occasion to be mediocre so that I may continue to be the awesome person that I am.

Things that I am hoping will happen this year without having to put forth effort. My laziness surprises you? Really?

1. I would like the skinny me to return, because this fat bitch in the mirror is scaring me.

2. Be more patient and more active with the kids, because apparently yelling at them to bring me the remote control isn't considered "bonding time". Pffftt! What do child psychologists know anyway?

Ohhh look, something shiny!

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