Dear Oklahoma drivers,
Heed these rules or I will slash your tires and key your pretty paint job ala Carrie Underwood:
1. Put down your damn cell phone, newspaper, lipstick, chicken McNugget and put your left arm in, put your left arm out, put your left arm in and you shake it all about and pay attention, that is MY lane your inching into. Get any closer and I will CUT YOU!
2. Slamming on your brakes does nothing for me, does it do something for you? Because if you don't quit it, it will do "something" for the car repair shop your going to have to go to when I slam my gas guzzling SUV into the back of your little bitty car.
3. Every time you change lanes in an attempt to get into the "faster" lane, God kicks a puppy.
4. Honking your horn does not make traffic go faster, it does however make my middle finger go up faster.
Any questions?
Have a complaint? Call 1-800-SUCK-IT
.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Butt plugs and dildos
Why I spewed orange Fanta thru my nose and coughed so hard I threw up:
"Mom? What's a butt plug?"
"Ummm, well. Uhhhh, it's a uhhhh, where in the hell did you learn that from?"
"When I was at aunt C's house I watched Angry Kid videos."
"Oh, well uhhhhh.... they are, well...lets see uhhh......shit! Did you get permission to watch those videos?"
"Well, Meg showed me a couple of them, but then I watched more after she left."
"Oh, well uhhhhh, a butt plug is...well, it's something that grown up people use for uhhhhh, well, for sexual pleasure."
"Oh"
"Hey mom?"
"Yes."
"Whats a dildo?"
.
"Mom? What's a butt plug?"
"Ummm, well. Uhhhh, it's a uhhhh, where in the hell did you learn that from?"
"When I was at aunt C's house I watched Angry Kid videos."
"Oh, well uhhhhh.... they are, well...lets see uhhh......shit! Did you get permission to watch those videos?"
"Well, Meg showed me a couple of them, but then I watched more after she left."
"Oh, well uhhhhh, a butt plug is...well, it's something that grown up people use for uhhhhh, well, for sexual pleasure."
"Oh"
"Hey mom?"
"Yes."
"Whats a dildo?"
.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Tattoos and tits
When I was young, I was stupid. Not just a little stupid, but STOOPID. Oh I'm not saying I wasn't intelligent, but when it came to love and men.....STOOPID. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was a lesbian and I couldn't figure it out at the time and I latched on to each man who paid attention to me so I could get married and squeeze babies out my vagina like a redneck female was "supposed" to do.
So, I married a guy. He was from "the city", had a fast car, tattoos and I thought he was cool. We got married a month after we started dating.
*blink*
Yes, I said 1 month. Don't be hatin, I said I was stupid. Then I topped my stupidity and got his name tattooed on my left tit. Yes, the stupid flowed like wine. I drank that wine, yes I did and then I threw up all over my shoes.
I later got the tattooed covered with the only thing that would cover it at the time. A tribal shark. It was cool when I picked it out. Not so much anymore. Since that time I've gained weight and had another baby so it's more like a stretched out deformed dolphin than a shark. Hindsight ya know.
For some reason Molly loves the shark. When we are in the shower or I'm changing clothes she always has to look at it and it poke it with her finger. Yesterday was no exception. I don't wear a bra when I'm at home because I like to be comfortable. You could just take a look at my ass imprint in the sofa and know just how much comfort I have. I was sitting on the sofa, Molly was in my lap and she tugged on my shirt and said "I wanna look at shark", so I yanked up my shirt so she could look at it and poke it with her finger for the millionth time.
Only something happened. As I was watching the Olympics and letting her poke at the shark this white hot pain shot through my tit and it was as if lightening had traveled through my body. I damn near peed on myself and almost threw Molly across the room. Why she decided to pinch the ever living shit out of my nipple remains a mystery, but I guarantee one thing. The next time she wants to look at it I'm wearing cast iron pasties.
.
So, I married a guy. He was from "the city", had a fast car, tattoos and I thought he was cool. We got married a month after we started dating.
*blink*
Yes, I said 1 month. Don't be hatin, I said I was stupid. Then I topped my stupidity and got his name tattooed on my left tit. Yes, the stupid flowed like wine. I drank that wine, yes I did and then I threw up all over my shoes.
I later got the tattooed covered with the only thing that would cover it at the time. A tribal shark. It was cool when I picked it out. Not so much anymore. Since that time I've gained weight and had another baby so it's more like a stretched out deformed dolphin than a shark. Hindsight ya know.
For some reason Molly loves the shark. When we are in the shower or I'm changing clothes she always has to look at it and it poke it with her finger. Yesterday was no exception. I don't wear a bra when I'm at home because I like to be comfortable. You could just take a look at my ass imprint in the sofa and know just how much comfort I have. I was sitting on the sofa, Molly was in my lap and she tugged on my shirt and said "I wanna look at shark", so I yanked up my shirt so she could look at it and poke it with her finger for the millionth time.
Only something happened. As I was watching the Olympics and letting her poke at the shark this white hot pain shot through my tit and it was as if lightening had traveled through my body. I damn near peed on myself and almost threw Molly across the room. Why she decided to pinch the ever living shit out of my nipple remains a mystery, but I guarantee one thing. The next time she wants to look at it I'm wearing cast iron pasties.
.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Fishy
I'm not usually a squeamish kind of person and I have the gag reflex of a professional bulimic but UPS just delivered a box to our office for my boss. On the side of the box in big red letters is "LIVE FISH". I know that my boss has a new garden pond so it all makes sense but my face probably had "perplexed" written all over it. Five minutes later when I could hear the fish moving around in the water it freaked me out. I have no idea why, but the thought of fish swimming around in a box makes my hiney twinge. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Only it's fish...in a box. I may need someone to hold me.
He told me that he bought it at an auction and that it is an authentic Japanese Koi. Of all the odd deliveries that arrive here for him, this one is the most amusing. And the most expensive I imagine. I think I may need to go home an pet my goldfish and remind him that he's still special even though he's not Asian.
He told me that he bought it at an auction and that it is an authentic Japanese Koi. Of all the odd deliveries that arrive here for him, this one is the most amusing. And the most expensive I imagine. I think I may need to go home an pet my goldfish and remind him that he's still special even though he's not Asian.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Kittles
Okay, I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. *snort* Okay I'm not tolerant, what I am is a big pussy with no spine and I don't like to rock the boat. So when something happens that pisses me off or bugs me I tend to not do a damn thing about it.
Today? I'm on the phone with a good ole boy who owns an oil & gas company, who just so happened to give the non-profit I work for a big donation and is taking part in one of our fundraisers. He called today to give me some information I needed and first off, it was hard to understand him as his hillbilly accent was no match for my ears despite the training I received having a back-woods redneck brother.
Secondly, he talked rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slow. It was like a car that wouldn't go. I wanted to slam on the gas and beat the steering wheel, instead? I get to stare blankly at the wall waiting for him to finish. I have had practice at this having slept with men in my former life.
At the end of the call? He said "Wha thank yew so much mayam, such a big help yew arrrr, aahhhight Kittles, talk ta ya layter." I am so not joking about this. What the hell is a Kittle? My boss got a big kick out of it and has been laughing for the past half hour and every time he walks into the room he chuckles and says "Kittles, haha."
Anyone have bail money?
.
Today? I'm on the phone with a good ole boy who owns an oil & gas company, who just so happened to give the non-profit I work for a big donation and is taking part in one of our fundraisers. He called today to give me some information I needed and first off, it was hard to understand him as his hillbilly accent was no match for my ears despite the training I received having a back-woods redneck brother.
Secondly, he talked rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slow. It was like a car that wouldn't go. I wanted to slam on the gas and beat the steering wheel, instead? I get to stare blankly at the wall waiting for him to finish. I have had practice at this having slept with men in my former life.
At the end of the call? He said "Wha thank yew so much mayam, such a big help yew arrrr, aahhhight Kittles, talk ta ya layter." I am so not joking about this. What the hell is a Kittle? My boss got a big kick out of it and has been laughing for the past half hour and every time he walks into the room he chuckles and says "Kittles, haha."
Anyone have bail money?
.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Shave & a haircut. Two bits.
I thought I would have time this morning to do some ummm...how should I put this? Landscaping the overgrown bush nestled between my supple thighs.
Did that get you hot?
It got me hot. Oh wait...that could have been a hotflash. (mental note: have hormones checked)
I thought I would have plenty of time as Lin had already left for work, Eugene was still in bed and Molly was watching TV. All I needed was a few little minutes. Just a few. That is not a lot to ask. Except that I can't remember the last time I peed by myself. Except at work. Cause that would be weird.
I was about half way to a perfectly sculpted snatch when my daughter yanked the bathroom door open. I'm so glad she's only 2 because I would have been pretty embarassed had she been old enough to grasp even the smallest notion of what was going on. My face turned red anyway.
So I had to stop. Mid-shave. Is that a word?
So now I look like a before and after picture for a porn razor commercial.
.
Did that get you hot?
It got me hot. Oh wait...that could have been a hotflash. (mental note: have hormones checked)
I thought I would have plenty of time as Lin had already left for work, Eugene was still in bed and Molly was watching TV. All I needed was a few little minutes. Just a few. That is not a lot to ask. Except that I can't remember the last time I peed by myself. Except at work. Cause that would be weird.
I was about half way to a perfectly sculpted snatch when my daughter yanked the bathroom door open. I'm so glad she's only 2 because I would have been pretty embarassed had she been old enough to grasp even the smallest notion of what was going on. My face turned red anyway.
So I had to stop. Mid-shave. Is that a word?
So now I look like a before and after picture for a porn razor commercial.
.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Cancer sucks y'all.
I have worked for the same company for almost 4 years. I came here because the pay and benefits were so much better than at my previous job. I loved my last job. It was at a graphic design firm and although there were only 6 of us, it was fun. We had monthly pot-luck lunches, played music and had a good time. I even found out that a co-worker got caught cheating on his wife and when she found out he was permanently in the dog-house trying to make up for it. Boy she treated him like trash and I got my rocks off on his self inflicted misfortune. I'm kind of twisted that way.
I worked my ass off for little pay but I enjoyed it. I didn't have to wear business suits but I attempted to dress in business casual. I've always said that I dress for my income level so I'll leave it up to you to interpret that. Every year our health insurance went up without fail. My salary never went up without fail. So every year I worked there I was making less money. This fact did not go unnoticed because I do have a few brain cells that didn't die off during the great bong adventure of 91. I asked my boss for a raise. I got one. I should have been bitch slapped with putrid tuna, it would have been less painful than the puny raise I received. I was insulted. I got a new job but I cried myself into hysterics the day I left.
4 years later, I am looking for a new job yet again. When your girlfriend comments on happy you seem and your so chatty and I remember this girl, this is the girlfriend I use to have, you start to wonder what happened. I wondered out loud "Well what has changed?" The painful truth hit me in the face like big fat shit ball. I was on vacation. From work. From my boss. From that place that drags me into the deepest pits of hell and then sweats on me like a dirty whore. I knew it was time to leave.
After my small vacation, it took 3 days of being in the office before my boss put a giant guilt trip on me about something that happened a year ago and was out of my control. The very next day (which was yesterday) I started job hunting. I actually applied online for 3 different jobs. I considered it using my lunch time wisely instead of abusing company time to find my next job. Yesterday afternoon my boss called Amanda and I into the conference room to tell us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I held it together while he explained everything that has happened and everything that was going to happen. Then he asked me if I was okay. I cried. Like a big baby. I cried. He said it was okay, but it's not okay.
I felt so guilty for all of the mean thoughts and all of the bitching I had done about him in the previous weeks. All of his actions plus being overworked and stressed about a multitude of things showered me with guilt. Linda had to remind me that my unhappiness with my boss and my desire to find a new job has to separated from the fact that he has cancer. And she's right. I do have to find a way to separate all of this so my judgement doesn't become cloudy. But FUCK! This is hard. My heart tells me stay until he's well, my head tells me that I have to do what is right for me and I have to let go of the rest.
When he walked through the door this morning, I wanted to cry. This man, despite the fact that he can be a condescending ass came to my fathers funeral and I cried in his arms and he didn't let go until I was ready. Fuck. This is hard.
I worked my ass off for little pay but I enjoyed it. I didn't have to wear business suits but I attempted to dress in business casual. I've always said that I dress for my income level so I'll leave it up to you to interpret that. Every year our health insurance went up without fail. My salary never went up without fail. So every year I worked there I was making less money. This fact did not go unnoticed because I do have a few brain cells that didn't die off during the great bong adventure of 91. I asked my boss for a raise. I got one. I should have been bitch slapped with putrid tuna, it would have been less painful than the puny raise I received. I was insulted. I got a new job but I cried myself into hysterics the day I left.
4 years later, I am looking for a new job yet again. When your girlfriend comments on happy you seem and your so chatty and I remember this girl, this is the girlfriend I use to have, you start to wonder what happened. I wondered out loud "Well what has changed?" The painful truth hit me in the face like big fat shit ball. I was on vacation. From work. From my boss. From that place that drags me into the deepest pits of hell and then sweats on me like a dirty whore. I knew it was time to leave.
After my small vacation, it took 3 days of being in the office before my boss put a giant guilt trip on me about something that happened a year ago and was out of my control. The very next day (which was yesterday) I started job hunting. I actually applied online for 3 different jobs. I considered it using my lunch time wisely instead of abusing company time to find my next job. Yesterday afternoon my boss called Amanda and I into the conference room to tell us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I held it together while he explained everything that has happened and everything that was going to happen. Then he asked me if I was okay. I cried. Like a big baby. I cried. He said it was okay, but it's not okay.
I felt so guilty for all of the mean thoughts and all of the bitching I had done about him in the previous weeks. All of his actions plus being overworked and stressed about a multitude of things showered me with guilt. Linda had to remind me that my unhappiness with my boss and my desire to find a new job has to separated from the fact that he has cancer. And she's right. I do have to find a way to separate all of this so my judgement doesn't become cloudy. But FUCK! This is hard. My heart tells me stay until he's well, my head tells me that I have to do what is right for me and I have to let go of the rest.
When he walked through the door this morning, I wanted to cry. This man, despite the fact that he can be a condescending ass came to my fathers funeral and I cried in his arms and he didn't let go until I was ready. Fuck. This is hard.
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