Fishy

I'm not usually a squeamish kind of person and I have the gag reflex of a professional bulimic but UPS just delivered a box to our office for my boss. On the side of the box in big red letters is "LIVE FISH". I know that my boss has a new garden pond so it all makes sense but my face probably had "perplexed" written all over it. Five minutes later when I could hear the fish moving around in the water it freaked me out. I have no idea why, but the thought of fish swimming around in a box makes my hiney twinge. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Only it's fish...in a box. I may need someone to hold me.

He told me that he bought it at an auction and that it is an authentic Japanese Koi. Of all the odd deliveries that arrive here for him, this one is the most amusing. And the most expensive I imagine. I think I may need to go home an pet my goldfish and remind him that he's still special even though he's not Asian.

Kittles

Okay, I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. *snort* Okay I'm not tolerant, what I am is a big pussy with no spine and I don't like to rock the boat. So when something happens that pisses me off or bugs me I tend to not do a damn thing about it.

Today? I'm on the phone with a good ole boy who owns an oil & gas company, who just so happened to give the non-profit I work for a big donation and is taking part in one of our fundraisers. He called today to give me some information I needed and first off, it was hard to understand him as his hillbilly accent was no match for my ears despite the training I received having a back-woods redneck brother.

Secondly, he talked rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slow. It was like a car that wouldn't go. I wanted to slam on the gas and beat the steering wheel, instead? I get to stare blankly at the wall waiting for him to finish. I have had practice at this having slept with men in my former life.

At the end of the call? He said "Wha thank yew so much mayam, such a big help yew arrrr, aahhhight Kittles, talk ta ya layter." I am so not joking about this. What the hell is a Kittle? My boss got a big kick out of it and has been laughing for the past half hour and every time he walks into the room he chuckles and says "Kittles, haha."

Anyone have bail money?

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Shave & a haircut. Two bits.

I thought I would have time this morning to do some ummm...how should I put this? Landscaping the overgrown bush nestled between my supple thighs.

Did that get you hot?

It got me hot. Oh wait...that could have been a hotflash. (mental note: have hormones checked)

I thought I would have plenty of time as Lin had already left for work, Eugene was still in bed and Molly was watching TV. All I needed was a few little minutes. Just a few. That is not a lot to ask. Except that I can't remember the last time I peed by myself. Except at work. Cause that would be weird.

I was about half way to a perfectly sculpted snatch when my daughter yanked the bathroom door open. I'm so glad she's only 2 because I would have been pretty embarassed had she been old enough to grasp even the smallest notion of what was going on. My face turned red anyway.

So I had to stop. Mid-shave. Is that a word?

So now I look like a before and after picture for a porn razor commercial.

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Cancer sucks y'all.

I have worked for the same company for almost 4 years. I came here because the pay and benefits were so much better than at my previous job. I loved my last job. It was at a graphic design firm and although there were only 6 of us, it was fun. We had monthly pot-luck lunches, played music and had a good time. I even found out that a co-worker got caught cheating on his wife and when she found out he was permanently in the dog-house trying to make up for it. Boy she treated him like trash and I got my rocks off on his self inflicted misfortune. I'm kind of twisted that way.

I worked my ass off for little pay but I enjoyed it. I didn't have to wear business suits but I attempted to dress in business casual. I've always said that I dress for my income level so I'll leave it up to you to interpret that. Every year our health insurance went up without fail. My salary never went up without fail. So every year I worked there I was making less money. This fact did not go unnoticed because I do have a few brain cells that didn't die off during the great bong adventure of 91. I asked my boss for a raise. I got one. I should have been bitch slapped with putrid tuna, it would have been less painful than the puny raise I received. I was insulted. I got a new job but I cried myself into hysterics the day I left.

4 years later, I am looking for a new job yet again. When your girlfriend comments on happy you seem and your so chatty and I remember this girl, this is the girlfriend I use to have, you start to wonder what happened. I wondered out loud "Well what has changed?" The painful truth hit me in the face like big fat shit ball. I was on vacation. From work. From my boss. From that place that drags me into the deepest pits of hell and then sweats on me like a dirty whore. I knew it was time to leave.

After my small vacation, it took 3 days of being in the office before my boss put a giant guilt trip on me about something that happened a year ago and was out of my control. The very next day (which was yesterday) I started job hunting. I actually applied online for 3 different jobs. I considered it using my lunch time wisely instead of abusing company time to find my next job. Yesterday afternoon my boss called Amanda and I into the conference room to tell us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I held it together while he explained everything that has happened and everything that was going to happen. Then he asked me if I was okay. I cried. Like a big baby. I cried. He said it was okay, but it's not okay.

I felt so guilty for all of the mean thoughts and all of the bitching I had done about him in the previous weeks. All of his actions plus being overworked and stressed about a multitude of things showered me with guilt. Linda had to remind me that my unhappiness with my boss and my desire to find a new job has to separated from the fact that he has cancer. And she's right. I do have to find a way to separate all of this so my judgement doesn't become cloudy. But FUCK! This is hard. My heart tells me stay until he's well, my head tells me that I have to do what is right for me and I have to let go of the rest.

When he walked through the door this morning, I wanted to cry. This man, despite the fact that he can be a condescending ass came to my fathers funeral and I cried in his arms and he didn't let go until I was ready. Fuck. This is hard.

Ring of Fire

You know, there is actually something to be said about experience making you a wise person. I consider myself wise beyond my years, especially after this past weekend.

Lin had a rare day off and it was her mission to get some things done around the house. She wanted to clean out the garage and she spent several hours accomplishing that mission. Her other mission was to salvage a cast iron kettle that had been abandoned in her sisters back yard for several years. Her solution to rid this kettle of rust was to burn it off via filling it with Crisco and putting it on the grill. The lit grill. The grill that has fire in it. A kettle full of grease on a lit grill. With the cover down. Do you see where I'm going with this? Should I draw a diagram?

I could leave it at that and let your imagination take you where it will, but what kind of a person would I be if I left it there? Well, I would the type of person who wouldn't needle their girlfriend to death about burning down the back yard. And I can't let that happen. When I noticed the smoke coming from the grill I asked Lin what was going on and she explained everything to me. I asked her "Aren't you afraid of it catching on fire?" (Remember that I asked this very important question) Her reply???? "Huh, no." (She said in a "duh" like fashion....a fashion in which she will regret later....5 minutes later to be exact) The next thing I know Eugene is telling me that Lin is yelling for me. I go outside and what do I see? Not only is the grill on fire, but the fence and the overhang is ON FIRE! Flames abound! She yells at me to crank up the water on the hose and she is spraying the grill. With water. The grill that is holding a kettle full of burning grease. Water + burning grease = no bueno baby!!

It took about 10 minutes to get the thing completely out and about 5 hours for her heartbeat to return to normal. I should have inserted an "I told you so" in there, but she summed it up by saying "Why do you let me do stupid shit?" So, after this weekend I have only one conclusion: I am a Mensa candidate, and Lin should just stand there and look pretty.

Did I mention that this is a brand new grill? Like purchased in June for Lin's birthday new. *sigh*

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Loss

One of my favorite bloggers posted about having a miscarriage. It made me reflect on my own loss. Having had 2 miscarriages myself I know exactly what she is going through. The pain, depression, the asking of "why God." It's not an easy thing to go through. Even though deep down you know that there was a "reason" that it happened, it still doesn't help you come to terms with the loss any easier.

My first miscarriage happened in 1997. I was 24 years old, living in Hawaii while stationed at Schofield Barracks. I was dating a man (I think I just heard a thousand lesbians shriek) and he was the only man I really ever loved. It wasn't an accidental pregnancy but it wasn't planned either. We took our chances knowing what could happen. I was around 12 weeks pregnant when I started experiencing a lot of cramping. I went to urgent care where they informed me that I had a bladder infection and the doctor assured me that the baby was fine. All the while I had a nagging feeling that something more was wrong as my "cramps" were coming 6 minutes apart. I was given antibiotics and sent home.

After another week of the pain not letting up I went back to urgent care and after an exam they sent me to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. It wasn't. I had an ultrasound and I couldn't see the screen, but the tech told me that we were going down the hall to use a different machine that she couldn't get a good picture on the one we were using. But I saw my boyfriends face, I knew something was wrong. During the second ultrasound, the tech turned the screen toward me so I could see and she said "I'm so sorry honey, there is no heartbeat." I could see the baby on the screen, I saw the head and body and you could definitely see the outline of the hand and arm that was raised as if to say "Hi, mom. Sorry I can't stay." I cried. I wailed and I cried more.

The doctor came in a repeated the ultrasound and confirmed the techs diagnosis. At that point he said "You can either wait this out and let your body dispose of the contents of your uterus or we can schedule surgery." Contents of my uterus. I will remember those words until the day I die. Contents of my uterus. Not fetus, not baby. I hated him for being so cold. I opted for surgery. I had already been in pain (in labor if you will) for a week, I was ready to get it over with. I was scheduled for the surgery a week later, I would have to endure the contractions for another week and then recovery time.

On the way home I kept thinking that there had to be no greater pain than losing a child. I thought I would never recover. For a brief moment I thought about grabbing the wheel of the car and slamming us into a tree so I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. The feeling passed. My boyfriend dropped me off at my apartment and left me there. Alone. My friends didn't call, or come by. I later found out that they didn't know how to approach me. Fuck that. Go see your friend when they are hurting, sometimes just a hug works and you don't have to say anything. I went through this completely alone. Or at least that is how it felt and still feels.

A week later, my boyfriend drove me to the appointment. I was wheeled down the hall, was instructed to lay on a gurney and they started an IV. They told me I would start to feel groggy but I felt nothing. One minute they were talking to me the next I woke up. Alone. In pain and bleeding. It was over. I couldn't believe it was over, I felt so empty. I was taken into a recovery room where my boyfriend joined me. No hug, no hand holding, we just sat there waiting for me to be able to leave. When we left he took me home and left me. Alone. Again. I know now that he just didn't know how to deal with this himself let alone help me through it. Little consolation, but at least I know that he wasn't just being an asshole. I had to return to work just 3 short days later.

One co-worker came up to me and I am quoting her and I'll never forget these words: "Can you tell me what you did wrong, because I want to have a child soon and I don't want the same thing to happen to me." What I did wrong. I wanted to scream and yell at her that I did nothing wrong and how dare she say something like that to someone who had just lost their baby. She was on my shit list after that. I could care less if she didn't mean to hurt me, I was hurt none-the-less. I didn't yell at her. The reason? I was in the Army, she was of higher rank. An NCO, so I kept my screams to myself, but if I could do it over again I certainly would. She gave birth to a healthy baby 11 months later. Cunt.

My ex-boyfriend and I are still close. I speak to him or his wife a couple times a month. They just had their 5th baby boy last month. I'm very happy for them. This post made me very very tired. I'll save the other story for another time.

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Potty Head

Reason #483 that she is not ready to potty train.

"I do believe in potties, I DO believe in potties"