Naked Princess

If you can figure out how to keep clothes on an almost 3 year old, please pass your secret voodoo magic tricks to me. It never fails that 10 minutes after we get home she starts shedding her layers.

Shoes, gone.
Socks, gone.
Shirt, pulled up to her forehead and hanging being her like long flowing hair (ala Lily Tomlin), then gone.
Pants, gone.
Panties (or pullup), gone.

Then? We do the naked dance.

"I'm nakie nakie nakie" all while wiggling her hips and smiling like that she got away with something.

"Molly! Come here! You get over here right now and put some panties on!"

"Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww... I'm a naked PRINCESS!" Then the chase is on.

"You can be a naked princess with panties on." Running down the hall.

"Newwwwwwwwwww, I have to be a NAKED PRINCEEEEEESSSS!" She holds up her hand in a stop gesture.

"Princesses wear panties to you know." Slumping to the floor to hold her down in an attempt to get panties on her naked business.

"No. No. No. NAY - KED!" She wriggles free and runs through the house. "Nakie, nakie, nakie."

"Okay, fine. You go and be a naked princess then, just remember that princesses don't pee pee on the chair!" "And they don't get cookies either!"

"Will you help me put panties on?"

"Yes, come here." She inches close to me, smiling, then she takes off running.

I threw her panties at her and gave up.

At least she didn't pee on her chair. This time.

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Black creepy crawly

Last night Jesse wanted to watch Rooster Cogburn and I didn't. So instead of kicking her out of the living room which is what I usually do, I decided to retreat to the bedroom to find something on TV a little less John Wayneish. There really wasn't anything else on, I flipped through the channels a million times though.

I heard Jesse calling for me from Molly's room, I went to see what she wanted and she is sprawled across the bed lengthwise and is inspecting the wall on the other side of the mattress. I got up close to see what she was looking at and she said:

"Is this mold?"

FUCK

"Well, it looks like mold."

I got closer, "and it smells like mold too."

Then I noticed that the paint was bubbled and I started to pick at it a little, then I was able to pull off about an 8 inch section of paint in one tug. What did I see?

MOLD! Nasty black mold and wet mushy sheet rock.

FUUUUUUUCK!

The outside water faucet in the front of the house is right at the corner of Molly's room. It leaked. It leaked for a long time. I finally told Jesse that if we don't get it fixed we were going to have a foundation problem. So we got it fixed and we thought that was going to be the end of it. But no. Not just no, but fuck no. Life would not give us a break on this one. Apparently the faucet leaked more than we thought because the moisture had to travel through brick, concrete, insulation and sheet rock and then through about 8 layers of paint.

Then Jesse pulled off a HUGE section of paint to reveal just how bad the mold was. The stench was so overwhelming I had to leave the room. The mold is bad y'all. Real bad.

So I called a lesbian friend of mine who renovates houses for a living and asked her opinion on the matter. Were going to have to tear out the infected area plus a foot extra in every direction and make sure that it all dries out. Treat any leftover moldy areas like brick or the studs to make sure the mold is indeed dead, then put up new insulation, sheet rock, tape, mud and paint, etc..etc.. physical labor, sweating, cursing and achy sore muscles. Yeehaw. And since Molly has developed her own personality since I squeezed her out we had eventual (key word is eventual) plans to turn her cowgirl themed bedroom into a princess themed bedroom so we might as well do that while were tearing out half of the walls. Can I get a yeehaw?

Did I mention that we are in the middle, the VERY MIDDLE of renovating the den? And did I mention that we were planning to renovate the living room right after the den? Were not just talking about slapping a new coat of paint on the walls, the den is being completely remodeled and we will repaint the living room, tear out and replace all of the trim and crown molding, new window treatments and new hard wood floors!

I will practically have a new house when this is finished. Now all I need is to finish the other half of the bathroom (we have a new tub, toilet, sink & faucet), re-model our bedroom and Eugene's room and it will be a brand new house. Were also getting a flat screen TV. Yeehaw.

So, if you haven't heard from me in a while, it will be safe to assume that Jesse got sick of me complaining about all of the work and beat me to death with a paintbrush roller.

Can I get a yeehaw?

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That nutty ghost

I still have no idea what the hell is wrong with my blog. I hope to have some time this weekend to fix it.....on to today's post!!

Our little ghosty-poo was up to his old tricks again last night. There is nothing like sitting in the living room with your family watching TV and then the toys in the bedroom start making noise like someone is playing with them. It's even worse, when your sitting on the couch and you can see down the hallway and into Molly's room and can actually see the lights on the toy light up. Ferrreaky!

It's a good thing I don't scare easily. Meh. Okay, I almost had to change my panties. Don't be judging me. If you don't have a ghost then you have no idea how reliable your bladder would be in this situation. Come over if you want to test it out. I won't point and laugh at the wet spot. Promise!

I don't mind that I can feel the presence in our house or that I can usually tell which room it's in. It hangs out in Molly's room mostly which is why she hates sleeping in there. Of course I can only assume that. Little kids have a way of knowing these things. She doesn't like being in her room, let alone sleep in there. Which reminds me, we need a bigger bed because our Queen size bed is getting a little small for 2 fat lesbians, a 3 year old and 2 dogs. God forbid if Eugene has a nightmare and needs to crawl in bed too. I don't know how much our poor bed can take.

I've never felt afraid of whatever is in our house, just always aware of it. It makes my skin crawl sometimes but I don't worry about it hurting us. So we go on with life and after almost 6 years in this house the little bugger is still hanging out with us. I just hope I don't wake up again to find a pile of random shit neatly stacked on top of each other. That incident was a bit more tinkle inducing than I care for.

Until he comes a knocking again I have stocked up on clean panties.

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Critters

We all went to bed fairly early last night. Lin as usual was exhausted and was asleep shortly after 8:00 pm. I hate that her work is so physically draining. She's also having some back pain. I would be tired too if I were on my feet all day dealing with customers. Lucky for me I get to sit on my ass all day and the biggest risk to my health is paper cuts and carpal tunnel.

Molly & I crawled into bed because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama of putting her in her own bed and we were both asleep fairly quick. We all slept so sound. It was an awesome night. That is, until 4:30 this morning.

Depending on where everyone sleeps the dogs have their favorite place to sleep. Eugene keeps his door shut at night so they don't sleep with him. If Molly is in her own bed, 1 or both of the dogs are sleeping with her. If Molly, Lin and I are all in the same bed the dogs are with us too. Dobby sleeps under the covers, Claude sleeps on top. Weirdos.

At 4:30 am Claude rocketed off the bed and ran down the hall barking like a freaking lunatic. He barked like I have never heard him bark before. He ran out through the dog door, ran to the other end of the dog run and went completely berserk. It was such a guttural wild, hysterical bark that it was pretty frightening. It took us 10 minutes to get him to come back inside. I'm not sure where Dobby went, we were too worried about what the fuck Claude was freaking out about.

Because there is a history (story to be shared later) of possums present in our backyard, we can only assume that it was another one. Possibly looking for it's relative that dropped dead in our flower bed. It could also have been 1 of 2 cats that prowl around the neighborhood. The food and water are right next to the dog door and apparently at 4:30 this morning the temptation was too great and the critter was hungrier than it was scared.

At least I can say the big lug is a as good at guarding our house as he is at licking people to death. Not a bad character trait to have in a dog. The guarding...not the licking. After I got up this morning, I went outside to see if there was actually anything to see in the dog run. I didn't find any critters but I did find 5 empty Cheetos bags, 2 diapers, 3 balls, an empty coke bottle and a deck of cards.

I don't know what the hell kind of party goes on in that dog run when we're not home but I'm thinking an intervention might happen soon. I will be taking donations for Claude's rehab.

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Christmas Update Part I

Holy Shit! I knew it had been a while since I blogged, but I didn't realize it had been this long. My sincere apologies to my 3 readers.


Where does one start when you've had a non-stop period of drama?


Let's put this in some kind of understandable order.


Monday, Dec. 22nd: Jesse's grandmother's blood pressure dropped and she became unresponsive. This was my first day of vacation. I got the living room cleaned and took a nap with Molly. Jesse's mom went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a torn Miniscus & will require surgery.


Tuesday, Dec. 23rd: Jesse's grandmother has shown no improvement, they are keeping her as comfortable as possible. I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap with Molly.


Wednesday, Dec. 24th: At 5:30 a.m. Jesse wakes me up to tell me her grandmother passed away. I jump out of bed to try to help her gather her things and go to the nursing home. 15 minutes later after I finally woke up and realized what was going on I made a cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table and cried like a baby. Then I watched a re-run of Beverly Hills 90210. After that I made eleventy billion chocolate covered pretzels before either of the kids woke up. Later, the pretzels would be a big hit. I also took another nap with Molly.


We usually have a Christmas Eve celebration at Jesse's mom's house. We have light finger foods, visit and exchange gifts. We had to have it at our house because there was no heat at Jesse's mom's house. CRAP. Do you know what kind of mad dash I did to clean the house. I was like the Tasmanian Devil with a dust buster in hand. Eugene got to play Santa and handed out gifts and it was a pretty fun night.


I received a very cute pendant with the letter K in it and a giant road map book (which I requested). The kids of course scored like they do every year and they hadn't even opened our gifts to them or "Santa's" gifts yet. The only down side was the fact that we bought both Jesse's mom and her sister a DVD and I addressed both of them to her sister. That's what happens when I'm left to be in charge of the wrapping. Why Jesse left the wrapping to the former JW who has very little experience in the wrapping category I have no clue. When I finally kicked everyone out got everyone out of the house I was relieved, except for the fact that Jesse's mom had to stay the night because of the no heat at her house issue.


Thursday Dec. 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches! We had a lovely Christmas morning with Jesse's mom. Eugene got everything on his list except 2 items (more on that later) and Molly was just giddy with all of her new stuff. I can't tell you how hard it was to stuff a Hilshire Farms sausage log into a stocking along with a can of easy cheese. The boy loves it! Santa left a box a crackers for him. (I can have a white trash moment as long as it is a brief moment)


After all the opening of the presents we started making breakfast. Biscuits & Gravy, scrambled eggs and Blue & Gold sausage. I had a big cup of coffee and I was happier than a puppy with 2 peckers! (Okay, 2 white trash moments). Then Eugene said the following: "I am very happy with everything that I got but I was a little disappointed that I didn't get one of the things on my list." Of course, I asked what that one thing was and he said "Iron Man on DVD." It was at that moment that both Jesse and I snapped our necks and looked at each and said at the same: "Shit! Where is it?" I didn't see that DVD when I got the rest of the DVD's out of the secret hiding place. I thought Jesse was gonna beat me down right at that moment. I swear to the little Christmas Elves that I did not see it. It's not my fault. I was overwhelmed with all of the wrapping and funeral planning and doctor appointments and house cleaning. What the hell, give me a damn break! Jesus H. Christ. So Eugene got a bonus gift it seems.


2 hours later we had to be on the road to Jesse's aunts house for Christmas Day lunch/dinner (lunner? linner? dlunner?) where Molly & Eugene got to open MORE gifts. I would to offically say that when I find the person who invented the tiny little plastic Barbie high heels I am going to punch him in the face. Those things hurt when you step on them and not even a little bit. When we finally got home I was exhausted.


I think I officially ate my weight in food during my Christmas vacation and I'm still not full.


Friday Dec 26th: What day is it? I watched TV and took a nap with Molly. I think that is really all I got accomplished that day. Jesse's brother flew in from California and they all gathered at Jesse's mom's house and I stayed home because I NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK!


To be continued......

No worries....

...this will not turn into a baking blog. I just wanted to share my little baking adventure. Eugene and I had a blast making them and they were a huge hit with the kids at his school.

Speaking of school. He goes to a private Christian School (I know there is a joke somewhere in there about 2 lesbians raising a kid that goes to a Christian school) and last night they had their Christmas play. Eugene played the part of the Mayor of a town and he cut the grand opening ribbon for a business called Christmas Tree City. They sell Christmas trees if you didn't catch that part. The whole play was about how this business was giving away the Christmas Trees to get the story of Jesus out to the world. Don't ask. I don't know.

What I do know, is when you text your niece during the play, the time goes by a lot faster. We did however come to the conclusion that attending the play was my punishment for saying God Damnit all of the time. And because I was texting in Church I was going to hell, but since she was texting me back Meg is going to hell with me.

Do you think there is a special place in hell for people who text in church? There must be a really special place for me considering the Pastor of the church was sitting next to me. I'm sure he had lovely things to say about me later.

That's probably the reason I had dreams of fire and brimstone last night. A premonition of sorts.

Next week I'm on vacation, I will try to post a few times but I'm sure Lin has a list a mile long of things for me to do while I'm home.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'm going to stock up on ice, I have a feeling I'll need it later.

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Cold tittays & other details

It's 16 degrees with a windchill of -1. GOOD TIMES! I just love it when my nipples feel like they're going to fall off. For future reference, do not go to work for a company that has a north facing office because you will spend a better part of the winter trying to keep your toes from turning blue and constantly strategically covering your chest area with a folder so no one will notice your rock hard nipples sticking out as far as the eye can see. And the eyes can see. Trust me, there have been enough dirty old men (and a few dirty women, but I'm not complaining about them) in and out of this office to know that their eyes see.

Did I mention that it's cold?

I work for a non-profit and we have 3 locations and an admin office. 2 of our locations will be closing on January 2nd. We will be firing 2 full time staff, 5 part time staff and 1 contract employee. This sucks on so many levels that I can't even express the magnitude of the suckage. In addition to this black cloud, it's possible that the company I work for will no longer pay for 100% of my health insurance premium and I will have to pay for 50%. Although this isn't a deal breaker, I am already paying 100% of my kids health insurance premium. It will cost me an additional $170 per paycheck for insurance. FUCK!

Staff parties, client parties, school parties, dentist appointments....I think I might just drop my basket over the stress. The holidays have never been this stressful for me. At least I have finished shopping. Small relief in my world.

The heat wasn't working in the office for a better part of the day, now? Now I am sweating bullets and my deodorant has failed me. Nothing like going home from a cushy desk job all stinky like I just got through digging a ditch. Awesome.

Lin is sick again. I'm so over the sickness in our house. Thinking about setting off a Lysol bomb and running like hell.

And Molly. God love my little girl. When you ask her what her name is, she says:

*Molly Smith Princess

How Cute is that?


*No, it's not her real name. Thank you and goodnight.

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My Fugly Tree

I had a mini Christmas tree gathering dust at home.

No Christmas tree at work

*Light Bulb*

Decorate a Christmas tree for the office!

Fantastic idea! NOT

This is the reason why I let Eugene decorate our tree at home. I suck at it.

I may have to take it home and let him re-do it for me.

I so suck at this Christmas thing.

Feliz Navisuckyasschristmastree! NOEL!

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Thanksgiving Post...it's about time

I know, I know. Thanksgiving was almost 2 weeks and I'm just now getting to it.

Thanksgiving in a nutshell:

Get up
Take shower
Gets kids up
Feed kids light breakfast
Check on Turkey (Lin is already at the aunts house cooking everything else)
Get call to go ahead on go out to aunts and help because Grandma won't wake up and they are going to the nursing home.
Rush around to finish getting ready
Drive like a bat out of hell to aunts house to find out that they really don't need my help
Get call from Lin, grandma is fine, she was just REALLY tired. She is on her way back to aunts house
Turkey was juicy and yummy
Rolls were light and fluffy
Gravy was to die for
Dessert sucked ass
Stayed longer than I wanted to waiting for other relatives to show up
Ditched Lin and went home without her
Crawled into bed
Turkey coma

The end.

..and then it was done.

I have a couple of things to say.

First things first.

BOOYAH!

Haha. Shout out to my man Obama! Way to go dude!

I went to bed shortly after 9:00 pm and by then the race was all but won, it would have taken an extreme hail Mary for McCain to pull it off at that point.

I woke up this morning and while I was in the bathroom Lin yelled through the door that McCain made a come back and won. I was bewildered. All I could say in my sleepy state was the standard 8 year old reply of "Nuh uh!"

Then of course I couldn't pee fast enough so I could run to the TV and find out just what the hell happened after 9:00 pm last night! Because Jesus Christ THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Yeah, she was pulling my leg. She's been doing that a lot lately. Poking me with a stick to get a rise out of me. She should be careful, I might bite.

While we were cooking dinner last night she made the comment that I was not as politically active and she was. I just looked at Eugene who had that "ruh roh raggy" look on his face and I said "Okay". Then she kept poking me with that damn stick and told her there was no freaking way she is more politically active than I am and I started ranting and she, of course, started laughing. She got me. I'm a big dork.

Yesterday was a really good day until Molly ran down the hall to her room, tripped over air or something and received a nice goose egg on her forehead. Then Eugene was taking a bowl of leftovers out to the dumpster to empty and he tossed it up in the air and it landed on his nose. We have a blood stain on our driveway that could rival some murder scenes. Not kidding. His nose is nice and swollen today.

Unfortunately, my kids inherited my klutziness. I pat them on the head daily, turn my head to the side and whisper "You are a big dorky klutz, get use to it."

Then Lin poked me with a stick.

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The inevitable

I will wear a white shirt on the day I bring leftover spaghetti for lunch. And of course, I will miss my mouth. Not once, but twice. It is inevitable.

I will enter the office bathroom immediately after someone has dropped a stink bomb. It is inevitable.

Someone will walk into my office the minute I shove a huge bite of food in my mouth. It is inevitable.

I will let out a huge burp the minute my boss walks through the door. It is inevitable.

I will answer the phone and say "ABC Company, this is David", because I was looking at David's name while I was answering the phone. Bonus...it was David on the phone. It is inevitable.

When I decide to wait until a commercial comes on TV to change Molly's dirty diaper, she decides to stick both hands down her pants. It is inevitable.

One of my dogs will poop on the floor a mere 10 seconds after I praise him for being "such a good wittle boy for going potty outside!" It is inevitable.

And finally, the most inevitable thing in my life currently is:

I finally found some balls of my own and mention to co-worker that her dishes are piling up and .......she completely ignores me. It is most certainly was inevitable.

Leave a comment....what is inevitable in your life?

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In 3....2....1

I'm not a morning person. SURPRISE! When I wake up I usually languish in bed for another 5 to 10 minutes before I even sit up and I end up sitting on the edge of the bed scratching my head for another 5 minutes before my feet hit the floor.

I can muster up a couple of grunts before I hit the shower but that is pretty much all you're going to get from me. I usually don't even fully wake up until I've been at work for half an hour and have a cup of coffee in me. Don't even think about talking to me until at least 9:00 a.m. unless you like having your head ripped off and shoved up your no-no hole. Yes of course my boss loves me, why do you ask?

Eugene is the same way. Molly however, is not.

Getting up with Molly is like being shot out of a cannon. She was sound asleep one minute, rolled around for 10 seconds, popped up like a jack-in-the-box and said "C'mon mommy, let's get out of here!", and with that she jumped off the bed and took off. I had no choice but to follow. It happened so quick I think my brain went into spasms and turned into a gelatinous goo that leaked out of my nose.

There should be a law against moving so fast in the morning. It was a whirlwind of sippy cups, Noggin and coffee. Thankfully I managed to get juice in her cup and coffee in mine. That one could have been a disaster. Molly doesn't need extra get up and go in her cup. Her get up and go works extremely well.

Mine however is so very broken. And welded. Then rusted over.

To top off my morning, co-worker returned to work today. It was all going so well. Now to find my iPod so I can tune her out.

Cheers!

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Ahh, blah, blech, eww

I hate it when my period sneaks up on me. Not only did I not get any cramps, or bloating, or cramps (did I mention cramps? because there were NONE) but it came a whole 5 days early. I am so stinkin` lucky! Like I said it snuck up on me and I've had to wear my shawl around my waist all day. Some days I just LOVE being a girl.

I was fine one minute and then all of the sudden... EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!

Did I mention that I'm wearing my brand new slacks? Never been worn before today? Karma, you there? I get it, now get off my back and out of my underwear. You bitch.

Luckily the PMS did not pass me by. But I think you figured that one out for yourself.

___________________________

I have been extraordinarily busy. My favorite (haha) co-worker has been at home sick for 2 days and I am so amazed by the amount of actual work I have managed to get done in her absence. I'm very proud of myself, and for some reason (CLUE? hello?) it dawned on me that while she is here SHE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME and I can't get anything done. I hope she stays home again tomorrow. Maybe I'll make a good showing right before my yearly review. How awesome am I?

___________________________

Tomorrow night the nursing home is hosting a Halloween Party. I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome hanging out with the elderly and taking their candy while the smell of urine and Pine Sol linger in the air.

Friday night is Trick or Treat time for the kiddos and I'm looking forward to seeing Molly's face while she is running around like a heathen asking weirdos for candy. Then I can't wait to raid her stash because I am an awesome mom and I'm just trying to save her teeth. Yeah, that's it. Her teeth. Saving.

Saturday is ROAD TRIP time! Were going to a friends house over 2 hours away in the country for a bon fire. Cuddling up around a giant fire roasting marshmallows is just the mini-vacation I need. It will be a busy weekend but I am so ready for it.

Hell, maybe I'll get lucky and co-worker will be gone on Friday as well.

A girl can dream right?

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You try to poop with grown man outside your window

I was supposed to work late, but the janitorial service showed up just as I was headed to the bathroom to drop my contents. I decided that I would rather stink up my own bathroom than to hear Tashiqua tell her home girl "Oh no she di'unt! Why girl goan stink up da bafroom like dat? Das nasty!" Like she's a delicate flower who doesn't poop.

I decided to go ahead and go home so I could poop in the peace and quiet of my own bathroom at the far end of the house, with the door shut. Without worry that someone would follow 5 minutes later and possibly acknowledge loudly to the world that I had just pooped. The levels of mortification would push me over the edge.

Drive, curse, flip other driver the finger, drive, park, run to the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhh, relief is soon upon me.

(mumble mumble)

What the hell?

(mumble mumble)

Who is that? It sounded like there were men having a conversation right outside the bathroom window. That can't be true, the dog run is right outside the bathroom window. It must be someone in the neighbors yard.

(mumble mumble)

Just relax, don't pay any attention to (mumble mumble, hahahaha).

Damn. Damn it. Damn.

Close your eyes and block out the (mumble mumble)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, I can do this. Ignore the voices.

(mumble mumble)

What the? That sounds like... NO! It can't be!! I strained to listen. (mumble mumble)

OH MY GOD!! It was my son! He was on the phone!!! He sounded like a grown man!! With a deep voice and OH MY GOD when did his voice drop that low? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY????

I hate age 15, it turned him into this...this..little man type person with a grown up voice and I don't like it ONE DAMN BIT!

Suffice it to say, I abandoned poopville to go tell Lin what happen. I give her way too many things to laugh at me about. She snickered. More than snickered, she bellowed. Bitch. How I love her so, even though she laughs and makes fun of me.

At least we will have stories to tell the grandchildren.

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My girl

I thought I would share one of my favorite pictures of Molly.

Several people have emailed me asking why I named her Molly. Molly isn't her real name. Her name is not very common and her great grandma has called her Molly since before she was born, so for the purposes of this blog, her name is Molly.

But I no have

Molly and I have settled into a nightly routine that I hope will last a couple more (10) years. I will put her in pajamas, we go into the bedroom and I will put on my pajamas while she crawls into bed and then we read a couple of books before going to sleep.

I am enjoying this alone time with her more than I thought I would. We snuggle up and talk about the book were reading and she identifies the pictures and she gives me hugs and kisses and tells me that she loves me. Who wouldn't love that kind of attention from an aloof 2 year old? Lin is clearly her favorite, but at bedtime she asks for me. Being the favorite if only for a little while makes all of the crap from the day melt away. And as my friend Monty the redneck would say "That makes me happier than a puppy with two peckers." I'm not sure what that means except really freakin' happy.

Last night after I put on my silk night shirt she touched it and said "Ooohhhh soft". I said "Yes, it's very soft" and she reached out to rub the shirt, and patted my left tata instead. Then she said "Boobies. Mommy's boobies."

Then she lifted up her shirt, looked at her chest then looked at my chest and said "But I no have boobies!"

She was very upset about it. I can't believe body image issues start this early. I'm in so much trouble in about 10 years. Or less.

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Working with a ......

I have a real hard time feeling any type of sympathy for my co-worker. She complained to me today that she received ONLY $600 of her child support this month.

(Blank stare, internal cursing & feet stomping)

ONLY $600???? Wow.

I know that everything is relative and there is a reason she gets what she does, but Holy child support Batman! She went on and on about having to reel things in because her ex couldn't pay the full amount and it put her in a bind and blah blah blah, cry me a fucking river.

I get $174 a month. That is all. The child support I get every month does not even cover my sons monthly braces payment let alone his 4 different medications or any other cost.

I was so jealous of her my head almost popped off.

Jealous. Gah. Whine. Pout.


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Cheap!

For Sale:

15 year old boy
Good dish washer
Vacuums like nobody's business
$100 - That is a good bargain
Takes up very little room
Does not come with off switch (still working on the patent)
Comes complete with attitude (adjustment knob is broken...sorry)
PRICE REDUCTION! $75!! Get him before it's too late!
Free 2 week supply of ravioli with purchase
Must purchase as is - no refunds
But that's not all! Buy now and we will throw in a 1 month supply of ADHD medication, AND 3 tranquilizers to numb your senses when your first month is up! WHAT A DEAL!!
PRICE REDUCED! $50 ACT NOW!
You don't want to miss out on this wonderful opportunity.
Free target to put on the back of his head when you need to smack some sense into him
Great diaper changer for those of you with babies and a great babysitter for the older kiddos
During this special offer, if you buy now we will slash the price to just $25!
Call now before it's too late!
Dance card needs to be upgraded because "rhythm-less white boy" is no longer compatible with current operating system.
If you call in the next 10 minutes we will include a muzzle, a geek speak translation book, and a free subscription to "My son is giving me ulcers can I tape his mouth shut?" Weekly.
For a limited time we are reducing the price yet again, get your teenage boy for just $5.00!!!
Call now! As a free gift we will include a guide to "Eye rolling and shrugging, how to beat it out of them."
And for a limited time we will remove the "I don't know" part of his speech!
You just can't beat this deal.
Okay...I'll pay you. $5.00?
$50?
Please take him.
I'm begging you.
I need the relief.
He knows how to mop, and clean toilets.
Give him a video game and you won't hear a peep from him for days. Just throw a couple of crackers at him a couple of time a day.

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It's all about the details

Lin, Molly and & I all came down with strep throat. Unfortunately for Molly we didn't find out we all had it until she had been sick with it for 4 days. You can wrap up my mother of the year award now, I'll take it to go.

Listerine + raging sore throat = a not so good idea. I had to pull Lin off of the ceiling and cram ice down her throat. How she figured that was a smart thing to do, I will never know. In the big scheme of things I'm sure she wishes that was a life lesson she didn't have to learn.

Lets talk herpes. Not vajayjay herpes, but the fever blister kind of herpes. I developed this tiny little blister on my bottom lip and I was extremely pro-active in the care of said blister. I put medication on it, but it continued to grow. I called my doc and asked her to please call in a prescription for me before the thing swallowed my face. I picked up the script and I proceeded to slather my lip in the thick, creamy, white balm. Then I waited. Then my lip exploded. Am so not kidding. Remember the scene in the movie The Nutty Professor where Eddie Murphy's lip popped out? That was mild compared to what happened to my lip. The next morning it was even worse. I cried. Then I cried some more. I called my boss and I cried. I called my doctors office, she wasn't in, so I cried. I called the pediatrician who told me to go to an urgent care clinic, then I cried. I called the urgent care clinic and they told me they were only taking babies for well check-ups, then I cried. Then I called Lin and I cried while she told me to go to the emergency room. I caved. I didn't want the expense of an emergency room visit but it seemed I had no choice.

This visit went relatively quick, I guess there aren't a lot of sick people at 8:30 on a Friday morning. Lucky me. Evidently I had an allergic reaction to the medication which in turn caused my lip to swell the fuck up and take my face hostage. Insert prescription for steroids, a 2 hour nap and a half a day later and I could finally see my eyes again.

I decided to give the fever blister a nick-name. I called it "thehugefuckingthingthatatemyface". It was more fitting than something like "Sugar Tits".

After having to use a straw for days on end I woke up one morning in my usual sleepy fog, made a cup of coffee, took a drink of that cup of coffee and then yanked the scab of that fever blister right off. As soon as I regained consciousness and cleaned up the blood I looked at the piece of flesh hanging from my Valentine heart coffee mug and I was so sure that half of my lip was missing. I ran to the mirror expecting to see some sort of freakish Freddy Kruger lip only to find that a small gouge was missing. Just a little divot, but that little divot hung on tight and hurt like a mother fucker.

Oh and when your sick, laying around your house and cursing like a sailor, make sure that your 2-year old daughter didn't hijack your cell phone and is having a conversation with your boss.

Amen.

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No more sick leave for me

Strep throat suuuuuckkssss. Details to come...

Also....

Why you shouldn't gargle Listerine whilst having a raging case of sore throat....

Fever blisters and what happens to them when you have an allergic reaction to medication....

Nick names for fever blisters that have their own zip code...

How to use and abuse your 15 year old while you are sick...

Why having 3 people in the family come down with strep throat at the same time is NOT a good idea....

Things you let your toddler get away with when you have strep throat...

and finally....

How much it hurts ripping the scab off a fever blister with a hot cup of coffee...


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