Christmas Update Part I

Holy Shit! I knew it had been a while since I blogged, but I didn't realize it had been this long. My sincere apologies to my 3 readers.


Where does one start when you've had a non-stop period of drama?


Let's put this in some kind of understandable order.


Monday, Dec. 22nd: Jesse's grandmother's blood pressure dropped and she became unresponsive. This was my first day of vacation. I got the living room cleaned and took a nap with Molly. Jesse's mom went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a torn Miniscus & will require surgery.


Tuesday, Dec. 23rd: Jesse's grandmother has shown no improvement, they are keeping her as comfortable as possible. I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap with Molly.


Wednesday, Dec. 24th: At 5:30 a.m. Jesse wakes me up to tell me her grandmother passed away. I jump out of bed to try to help her gather her things and go to the nursing home. 15 minutes later after I finally woke up and realized what was going on I made a cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table and cried like a baby. Then I watched a re-run of Beverly Hills 90210. After that I made eleventy billion chocolate covered pretzels before either of the kids woke up. Later, the pretzels would be a big hit. I also took another nap with Molly.


We usually have a Christmas Eve celebration at Jesse's mom's house. We have light finger foods, visit and exchange gifts. We had to have it at our house because there was no heat at Jesse's mom's house. CRAP. Do you know what kind of mad dash I did to clean the house. I was like the Tasmanian Devil with a dust buster in hand. Eugene got to play Santa and handed out gifts and it was a pretty fun night.


I received a very cute pendant with the letter K in it and a giant road map book (which I requested). The kids of course scored like they do every year and they hadn't even opened our gifts to them or "Santa's" gifts yet. The only down side was the fact that we bought both Jesse's mom and her sister a DVD and I addressed both of them to her sister. That's what happens when I'm left to be in charge of the wrapping. Why Jesse left the wrapping to the former JW who has very little experience in the wrapping category I have no clue. When I finally kicked everyone out got everyone out of the house I was relieved, except for the fact that Jesse's mom had to stay the night because of the no heat at her house issue.


Thursday Dec. 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches! We had a lovely Christmas morning with Jesse's mom. Eugene got everything on his list except 2 items (more on that later) and Molly was just giddy with all of her new stuff. I can't tell you how hard it was to stuff a Hilshire Farms sausage log into a stocking along with a can of easy cheese. The boy loves it! Santa left a box a crackers for him. (I can have a white trash moment as long as it is a brief moment)


After all the opening of the presents we started making breakfast. Biscuits & Gravy, scrambled eggs and Blue & Gold sausage. I had a big cup of coffee and I was happier than a puppy with 2 peckers! (Okay, 2 white trash moments). Then Eugene said the following: "I am very happy with everything that I got but I was a little disappointed that I didn't get one of the things on my list." Of course, I asked what that one thing was and he said "Iron Man on DVD." It was at that moment that both Jesse and I snapped our necks and looked at each and said at the same: "Shit! Where is it?" I didn't see that DVD when I got the rest of the DVD's out of the secret hiding place. I thought Jesse was gonna beat me down right at that moment. I swear to the little Christmas Elves that I did not see it. It's not my fault. I was overwhelmed with all of the wrapping and funeral planning and doctor appointments and house cleaning. What the hell, give me a damn break! Jesus H. Christ. So Eugene got a bonus gift it seems.


2 hours later we had to be on the road to Jesse's aunts house for Christmas Day lunch/dinner (lunner? linner? dlunner?) where Molly & Eugene got to open MORE gifts. I would to offically say that when I find the person who invented the tiny little plastic Barbie high heels I am going to punch him in the face. Those things hurt when you step on them and not even a little bit. When we finally got home I was exhausted.


I think I officially ate my weight in food during my Christmas vacation and I'm still not full.


Friday Dec 26th: What day is it? I watched TV and took a nap with Molly. I think that is really all I got accomplished that day. Jesse's brother flew in from California and they all gathered at Jesse's mom's house and I stayed home because I NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK!


To be continued......

Cold tittays & other details

It's 16 degrees with a windchill of -1. GOOD TIMES! I just love it when my nipples feel like they're going to fall off. For future reference, do not go to work for a company that has a north facing office because you will spend a better part of the winter trying to keep your toes from turning blue and constantly strategically covering your chest area with a folder so no one will notice your rock hard nipples sticking out as far as the eye can see. And the eyes can see. Trust me, there have been enough dirty old men (and a few dirty women, but I'm not complaining about them) in and out of this office to know that their eyes see.

Did I mention that it's cold?

I work for a non-profit and we have 3 locations and an admin office. 2 of our locations will be closing on January 2nd. We will be firing 2 full time staff, 5 part time staff and 1 contract employee. This sucks on so many levels that I can't even express the magnitude of the suckage. In addition to this black cloud, it's possible that the company I work for will no longer pay for 100% of my health insurance premium and I will have to pay for 50%. Although this isn't a deal breaker, I am already paying 100% of my kids health insurance premium. It will cost me an additional $170 per paycheck for insurance. FUCK!

Staff parties, client parties, school parties, dentist appointments....I think I might just drop my basket over the stress. The holidays have never been this stressful for me. At least I have finished shopping. Small relief in my world.

The heat wasn't working in the office for a better part of the day, now? Now I am sweating bullets and my deodorant has failed me. Nothing like going home from a cushy desk job all stinky like I just got through digging a ditch. Awesome.

Lin is sick again. I'm so over the sickness in our house. Thinking about setting off a Lysol bomb and running like hell.

And Molly. God love my little girl. When you ask her what her name is, she says:

*Molly Smith Princess

How Cute is that?


*No, it's not her real name. Thank you and goodnight.

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Thanksgiving Post...it's about time

I know, I know. Thanksgiving was almost 2 weeks and I'm just now getting to it.

Thanksgiving in a nutshell:

Get up
Take shower
Gets kids up
Feed kids light breakfast
Check on Turkey (Lin is already at the aunts house cooking everything else)
Get call to go ahead on go out to aunts and help because Grandma won't wake up and they are going to the nursing home.
Rush around to finish getting ready
Drive like a bat out of hell to aunts house to find out that they really don't need my help
Get call from Lin, grandma is fine, she was just REALLY tired. She is on her way back to aunts house
Turkey was juicy and yummy
Rolls were light and fluffy
Gravy was to die for
Dessert sucked ass
Stayed longer than I wanted to waiting for other relatives to show up
Ditched Lin and went home without her
Crawled into bed
Turkey coma

The end.

The truth about sex & depression

I'm going to go out on a limb and talk about something very personal. Sex. I'm typically shy about this subject not only in doing it but talking about it. I'm trying to break through my shell. There are various reasons behind why I blush at the mere mention of sex and why I must have the light off and the covers yanked up to my chin. Let's just say my early experiences with sex have shaped who I am today and I'm trying to outgrow that shape.

For the last 2 years. Shit. Who am I kidding? For the last 3 to 4 years the sexual relationship between my girlfriend and I has been, well, practically non-existent. God love her for being so patient and understanding, I'm very lucky. Between trying to get pregnant and being worried about having sex while waiting to find out if we were pregnant and then getting pregnant and afraid to have sex because of previous miscarriages - our sex life went down hill. Fast. Like a speeding bullet. BAM! No nookie.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, then my father passed away and I became the poster child for postpartum depression. Between shredded nipples/pumping/dreading returning to work/a funeral and home life in general, I was a complete mess. Enough of a mess that people asked Lin on several occasions if I was okay. I was not okay, but I insisted that I was. Who wants to admit that they have lost control of their emotions. Of their life?

Not only did I start smoking again, but I starting taking anti-depressants. Right away I noticed a difference. I was able to cope with life a little bit better, I didn't obsessively check to make sure the baby was breathing 30 times before I was able to go to bed and when I did go to bed, I could finally sleep. I no longer handed the baby to Lin the minute she got home and then ran from the room because I had to get away from that baby. Oh, and wash my hair. I could finally wash my hair. I don't know why that task was so difficult, but it was overwhelming.

The down side to the medication is that it killed my vagina. I may as well have cut the thing off as much use as it was to me. I had no feeling "down there" whatsoever. Not even a hint of a tingle at anytime. Not no way, not no how. I couldn't even give myself an orgasm. THAT is how dead my vagina was. So when there is no sex, not even a hint of sex between 2 people that love each other very much, you start to grow distant. When the distance gets large enough, the kissing stops, the hugging stops, the cute emails, the telephone calls, the snuggling in bed and even the ability to just be cordial to each other. I started to grow resentful of having a partner that was no longer my lover. We were roommates who were co-parenting and it sucked. I went off my medication and that went about as well as a fart in a diving helmet. It stunk really bad and I thought I would never get through it.

I emailed Lin and asked one simple question: Did I function better when I was on meds? The answer was yes and as much as I didn't want to be a slave to medication, I knew I had to start taking them again. Ironically, the thought of going back on anti-depressant medication was depressing.

Then I quit smoking. That is a horror all it's own as well as another story for another time. My mental health grew stronger as my libido grew weaker. There was just no sexual desire at all. AT ALL. I can't understand why Lin stayed, other than we were a family and we were going stick together and get through it. I'm glad she toughed it out. The "baby" is now 2-1/2 and even though we have our bad days we love each other very much and want to be together. Frequent sex or not. Although Lin definitely leans to "frequent" side of the equation.

Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. I think if more people talked about it and would admit to it, there wouldn't be such a stigma. Yes, there is a big chance that medication will kill your libido but I would rather have the medication kill my libido than for depression to kill me.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Do something and do it now.

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..and then it was done.

I have a couple of things to say.

First things first.

BOOYAH!

Haha. Shout out to my man Obama! Way to go dude!

I went to bed shortly after 9:00 pm and by then the race was all but won, it would have taken an extreme hail Mary for McCain to pull it off at that point.

I woke up this morning and while I was in the bathroom Lin yelled through the door that McCain made a come back and won. I was bewildered. All I could say in my sleepy state was the standard 8 year old reply of "Nuh uh!"

Then of course I couldn't pee fast enough so I could run to the TV and find out just what the hell happened after 9:00 pm last night! Because Jesus Christ THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Yeah, she was pulling my leg. She's been doing that a lot lately. Poking me with a stick to get a rise out of me. She should be careful, I might bite.

While we were cooking dinner last night she made the comment that I was not as politically active and she was. I just looked at Eugene who had that "ruh roh raggy" look on his face and I said "Okay". Then she kept poking me with that damn stick and told her there was no freaking way she is more politically active than I am and I started ranting and she, of course, started laughing. She got me. I'm a big dork.

Yesterday was a really good day until Molly ran down the hall to her room, tripped over air or something and received a nice goose egg on her forehead. Then Eugene was taking a bowl of leftovers out to the dumpster to empty and he tossed it up in the air and it landed on his nose. We have a blood stain on our driveway that could rival some murder scenes. Not kidding. His nose is nice and swollen today.

Unfortunately, my kids inherited my klutziness. I pat them on the head daily, turn my head to the side and whisper "You are a big dorky klutz, get use to it."

Then Lin poked me with a stick.

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You try to poop with grown man outside your window

I was supposed to work late, but the janitorial service showed up just as I was headed to the bathroom to drop my contents. I decided that I would rather stink up my own bathroom than to hear Tashiqua tell her home girl "Oh no she di'unt! Why girl goan stink up da bafroom like dat? Das nasty!" Like she's a delicate flower who doesn't poop.

I decided to go ahead and go home so I could poop in the peace and quiet of my own bathroom at the far end of the house, with the door shut. Without worry that someone would follow 5 minutes later and possibly acknowledge loudly to the world that I had just pooped. The levels of mortification would push me over the edge.

Drive, curse, flip other driver the finger, drive, park, run to the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhh, relief is soon upon me.

(mumble mumble)

What the hell?

(mumble mumble)

Who is that? It sounded like there were men having a conversation right outside the bathroom window. That can't be true, the dog run is right outside the bathroom window. It must be someone in the neighbors yard.

(mumble mumble)

Just relax, don't pay any attention to (mumble mumble, hahahaha).

Damn. Damn it. Damn.

Close your eyes and block out the (mumble mumble)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, I can do this. Ignore the voices.

(mumble mumble)

What the? That sounds like... NO! It can't be!! I strained to listen. (mumble mumble)

OH MY GOD!! It was my son! He was on the phone!!! He sounded like a grown man!! With a deep voice and OH MY GOD when did his voice drop that low? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY????

I hate age 15, it turned him into this...this..little man type person with a grown up voice and I don't like it ONE DAMN BIT!

Suffice it to say, I abandoned poopville to go tell Lin what happen. I give her way too many things to laugh at me about. She snickered. More than snickered, she bellowed. Bitch. How I love her so, even though she laughs and makes fun of me.

At least we will have stories to tell the grandchildren.

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It's all about the details

Lin, Molly and & I all came down with strep throat. Unfortunately for Molly we didn't find out we all had it until she had been sick with it for 4 days. You can wrap up my mother of the year award now, I'll take it to go.

Listerine + raging sore throat = a not so good idea. I had to pull Lin off of the ceiling and cram ice down her throat. How she figured that was a smart thing to do, I will never know. In the big scheme of things I'm sure she wishes that was a life lesson she didn't have to learn.

Lets talk herpes. Not vajayjay herpes, but the fever blister kind of herpes. I developed this tiny little blister on my bottom lip and I was extremely pro-active in the care of said blister. I put medication on it, but it continued to grow. I called my doc and asked her to please call in a prescription for me before the thing swallowed my face. I picked up the script and I proceeded to slather my lip in the thick, creamy, white balm. Then I waited. Then my lip exploded. Am so not kidding. Remember the scene in the movie The Nutty Professor where Eddie Murphy's lip popped out? That was mild compared to what happened to my lip. The next morning it was even worse. I cried. Then I cried some more. I called my boss and I cried. I called my doctors office, she wasn't in, so I cried. I called the pediatrician who told me to go to an urgent care clinic, then I cried. I called the urgent care clinic and they told me they were only taking babies for well check-ups, then I cried. Then I called Lin and I cried while she told me to go to the emergency room. I caved. I didn't want the expense of an emergency room visit but it seemed I had no choice.

This visit went relatively quick, I guess there aren't a lot of sick people at 8:30 on a Friday morning. Lucky me. Evidently I had an allergic reaction to the medication which in turn caused my lip to swell the fuck up and take my face hostage. Insert prescription for steroids, a 2 hour nap and a half a day later and I could finally see my eyes again.

I decided to give the fever blister a nick-name. I called it "thehugefuckingthingthatatemyface". It was more fitting than something like "Sugar Tits".

After having to use a straw for days on end I woke up one morning in my usual sleepy fog, made a cup of coffee, took a drink of that cup of coffee and then yanked the scab of that fever blister right off. As soon as I regained consciousness and cleaned up the blood I looked at the piece of flesh hanging from my Valentine heart coffee mug and I was so sure that half of my lip was missing. I ran to the mirror expecting to see some sort of freakish Freddy Kruger lip only to find that a small gouge was missing. Just a little divot, but that little divot hung on tight and hurt like a mother fucker.

Oh and when your sick, laying around your house and cursing like a sailor, make sure that your 2-year old daughter didn't hijack your cell phone and is having a conversation with your boss.

Amen.

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No more sick leave for me

Strep throat suuuuuckkssss. Details to come...

Also....

Why you shouldn't gargle Listerine whilst having a raging case of sore throat....

Fever blisters and what happens to them when you have an allergic reaction to medication....

Nick names for fever blisters that have their own zip code...

How to use and abuse your 15 year old while you are sick...

Why having 3 people in the family come down with strep throat at the same time is NOT a good idea....

Things you let your toddler get away with when you have strep throat...

and finally....

How much it hurts ripping the scab off a fever blister with a hot cup of coffee...


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Ring of Fire

You know, there is actually something to be said about experience making you a wise person. I consider myself wise beyond my years, especially after this past weekend.

Lin had a rare day off and it was her mission to get some things done around the house. She wanted to clean out the garage and she spent several hours accomplishing that mission. Her other mission was to salvage a cast iron kettle that had been abandoned in her sisters back yard for several years. Her solution to rid this kettle of rust was to burn it off via filling it with Crisco and putting it on the grill. The lit grill. The grill that has fire in it. A kettle full of grease on a lit grill. With the cover down. Do you see where I'm going with this? Should I draw a diagram?

I could leave it at that and let your imagination take you where it will, but what kind of a person would I be if I left it there? Well, I would the type of person who wouldn't needle their girlfriend to death about burning down the back yard. And I can't let that happen. When I noticed the smoke coming from the grill I asked Lin what was going on and she explained everything to me. I asked her "Aren't you afraid of it catching on fire?" (Remember that I asked this very important question) Her reply???? "Huh, no." (She said in a "duh" like fashion....a fashion in which she will regret later....5 minutes later to be exact) The next thing I know Eugene is telling me that Lin is yelling for me. I go outside and what do I see? Not only is the grill on fire, but the fence and the overhang is ON FIRE! Flames abound! She yells at me to crank up the water on the hose and she is spraying the grill. With water. The grill that is holding a kettle full of burning grease. Water + burning grease = no bueno baby!!

It took about 10 minutes to get the thing completely out and about 5 hours for her heartbeat to return to normal. I should have inserted an "I told you so" in there, but she summed it up by saying "Why do you let me do stupid shit?" So, after this weekend I have only one conclusion: I am a Mensa candidate, and Lin should just stand there and look pretty.

Did I mention that this is a brand new grill? Like purchased in June for Lin's birthday new. *sigh*

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Workin for a living

I think my boss is slowly losing his mind. It started out with him being dizzy and confused, he had a short hospital stay and they couldn't find anything wrong. After seeing a few doctors it was determined that he had a growth in his brain, but his exact words were "I'm not worried about it, I still think it's a blood sugar issue."



Since that time he forgets things. A lot of things. He asked me same question 3 times in 10 minutes the other day. He's quick to get upset and has been very cranky and condescending. It's not just me that has noticed it. Our stress level in the office is very very high at the moment.

(subject change)

He had the nerve yesterday to tell me that when he sees someone with tatoos his first thought it "Boy are they trashy." Even though he admitted that the way he thinks isn't right it still did not sit well with me. Then I announced that I have 4 tattoos. Ha! Maybe I should wear a skirt and show off the 2 on my ankle. *snort* (Yeah..I had to laugh at the skirt thing too...)

All of the full time staff have been invited to the board Presidents house for a cocktail party with the entire board of directors. Significant others are invited. At this point, I'm pretty sure I want to take Lin with me because I'm tired of playing word games and since my boss knows, and most of the staff knows, why does it continue to be a big deal? I would love to put a picture of Lin and I on my desk without having to worry about who is going to find out.
And if I get fired? Oh well, it's time to move on. The only thing that is scary about that is trying to find a new job that would pay me what I'm making now.

Maybe I should get back to work?

Killjoy

Enough with the sickness already!

Okay, if I haven't sufficiently annoyed the hell out of my 3 readers with all of my whining and complaining about all the sick that is going on at our house, let me just keep talking about it and see if I can push the meter from "slightly annoyed" to "completely over it", mmmkay?

The coughing. Oh dear God the coughing. It's like dueling banjos in our house. I'll cough then Lin will cough. If one of us had missing teeth, the picture would be complete. And, of course Molly thinks it funny and will put her hand over her mouth and fake cough. It's adorable, but at the same time, we have coughed enough for her to have learned to mock us. There is just something not right about that.

I did start antibiotics yesterday so I'm hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling better. The coughing has to ease up at some point because my ribs and abs are so sore that eventually my body will refuse to cough and then the cough will have no where to go and my butt will probably explode.

The end

*cough*

Will work for cough medicine! Really!

Still sick, blah, whatever. That prescription that took so much energy and effort to get last week? GONE! Of course, it didn't help that there were two of us wolfing it down every 3 hours. Mmmmmmm Codeine.

I threw in the towel and decided that maybe, just maybe I need to get in to see my doctor. So I called this morning to make an appointment and she can't see me until Thursday afternoon. I hope I'm still alive by then because this cough drains the life right out of me. Not to mention the wheezing and feeling like I can't get enough air into my lungs. So yeah, I might be dying for all I know, but by golly I'll wait until Thursday to see the doc!

The whole situation sucks because both Lin and I are sick which means that Eugene has taken on the parental role and is taking care of the house, dinner and Molly. He's such a good little slave helper. He will be awarded with lots of praise, maybe an iTunes card and some M&M's. 14 year old boys still accept M&M's as payment right? No?

Crackhead

To the fuck wad who broke into Lin's car last night:

You sir, are an asshole. I wanted to let you know that we appreciate you not taking the credit cards, it was so nice of you to not inconvenience us by making us call 20 different credit card companies. That was so considerate of you. Big kisses.

I understand that you probably came from disadvantaged circumstances, maybe your daddy hit you and your mama never gave you love. You’re probably addicted to crack or something so you needed money so you could get your fix. You poor thing you.

You took my sons Nintendo DS. Fucker. Although I kind of like the idea of him not having a single video game, he never did a thing to you. You broke his heart; I hope that you choke on your crack pipe.

We will however miss the $3.00 you took. That was donut money dude. So! Fucking! Wrong! You are depriving my girlfriend of her morning donuts, that will cause a chain reaction, and I am sure that someone who works for her will get fired today.

Your theft is like a domino effect, how does it feel to put someone out of work for a measly $3.00 and a Nintendo? Fucker. I hope that $3.00 goes a long way toward your next fix.

And this is the part where I call you a dumbass for the best demonstration of your mental faculties because you left the very expensive set of knives that were in the back. Dude, you could have totally scored. DUMB! ASS!

I wish you a long life in prison performing fellatio for cigarettes. May your drug habit cause you to itch uncontrollably, may your house fly away courtesy of spring tornadoes and may you become impotent.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kathy

Touching the beaver

Me: "Oh my God honey, my boss wore a fur coat to work!"

Lin: "It's not cold enough for a fur coat."

Me: "I know, he looks hilarious in it. It's not one of those long ones, its like a jacket."

Lin: "Did you ask him if the temperature had dropped this morning because you didn't know it was cold enough for fur?"

Me: "No, but maybe he has a lunch date or something and it's his misguided attempt at dressing to impress."

Lin: "Is he a pimp daddy? Is he wearing some sort of hat?"

Me: "Nothing on his head, even my coworker was shocked, we talked about it the minute he stepped out."

Lin: "You didn't laugh out loud did you?"

Me: "No, but I asked him if I cut pet his coat. It's beaver fur."

Lin: "So your telling me that you were petting strange beaver?"

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