RageAngel

Awakenings

2010-05-27T13:21:00.002-05:00

I never in a million years thought I would abandon my blog. Life gets busy and other things become a priority. My health has been a big issue. I spent 3 days in the hospital with a bowel infection and a few weeks later had to have my gallbladder out. I wish I could say that the surgery fixed my problems but I'm just not that lucky.

I'm still pooping fluids and dealing with the painful stomach cramps that can not only bring me to my knees but can lay me out on the floor in the fetal position, breaking out in a sweat and passing out. It's such a joy to be me. I'm dealing. Sometimes not very well.

We just had our roof replaced and the inside of the house smells like "new house". Instead of relaxing and taking it easy on this holiday weekend we are painting the living room and the hallway and on Sunday we will enjoy a meal with family.

That is it for the moment, I have tons of stories to share. I hope my health holds up.

Cheers.

Ahh hell

2009-09-28T15:40:00.002-05:00

I need to know why I volunteered to come in on my day off to finish a project when I'm not the one who won't be finished with my part.

It's not my fault that the two people who make all the money dropped the ball and aren't ready but I'm the one who has to compromise and get the job done.

Fuckers.

Tee hee's and ha ha's

2009-09-24T09:02:00.003-05:00

There once was a beautiful lesbian princess named KayJay. Although she is a pampered princess she still has to work for a living. The princess had to run errands for her job and went to Michaels to pick up a few things that will be needed at an event next week.

As the princess was browsing the isles her stomach began to churn. Her stomach made noises she had never heard. She could feel a bubble of gas building inside her gut. Determined not to embarrass herself she clinched her cheeks real tight so she wouldn't let it go in front of people.

It was a futile attempt at propriety. The gas bubble was too much. The strength of a thousand butt cheeks would not hold in what was about to erupt. The princess walked down the candle isle and relaxed.

"prrrrrnnnnnfffffff"

Thankfully, it wasn't loud enough to be embarrassing. However, the term silent but deadly comes to mind. The princess continued down the isle and stopped to look at different votive holders. That is when 2 other customers starting walking down the same isle. What the princess heard next cause a laughing fit a epic proportions and lots of funny looks her way.

"Oh my gosh!!! Something smells fantastic!"

The princess was so tickled at what had happened that she continued to laugh even while at the register. It's amazing how many people will smile and laugh with you and they have no clue what they are laughing at.

Then the princess laughed happily ever after, back to her 9 to 5.

The End.

Awesomeness

2009-09-17T09:11:00.004-05:00

I left the office and had to trek through the park because our parking lot is being re-constructed. I got up to my car and noticed two women in the car next to me. They were snuggling and making out and touching each others neck and face, it was very cute.

Then I got in my car, got settled, reached over to put my seat belt and I glanced over and they were in the midst of having sex. Not full on sex, but one of them was laying back in her seat with the other girls hand down her pants and she was obviously having a great time. So I watched for a minute. They didn't even notice me. I WATCHED 2 GIRLS HAVING SEX!!!! And it wasn't porn on the TV!

It was pretty awesome. It made my day complete. I should have to park in the other lot more often. (As long as I don't step on anymore condoms...yuck)

Birthday Suckage Update

2009-09-17T09:06:00.002-05:00

Crow is not the best tasting stuff around. Trust me.

As it turns out, my lovely Jesse did order my birthday present and it just has not arrived yet. She claims that she told me, but I don't recall the conversation.

So, maybe my birthday wasn't as sucky as I thought and I'm getting exactly what I asked for. A Garmin. I am so directionally challenged it's not even funny. I got tired of getting turned around and having to print out maps for every outing.

I am definitely a dumb blond when it comes to finding my way around.

So yay! My birthday present is on its way!!

In the Ghetto

2009-09-16T10:39:00.004-05:00

Do you see this? Do you know what this is? I stepped on this when I got out of my car this morning at work. This was in the parking lot. Under my shoe. It made a squishy sound.

*shiver*

A used condom. *gag*

I love working in the ghetto, I get to experience so many things. Stepping on used condoms, witnessing drug deals, watching the pimps and the prostitutes conduct their business, catching someone smoking pot behind the office and my favorite, being approached in the parking lot by someone wanting "just one dollar so they can ride the bus home."

What will tomorrow bring?

Cruella diaries

2009-09-15T13:47:00.003-05:00

I may have mentioned before how much contempt I hold for my co-worker. It has grown exponentially in the last 6 months. It's to the point that the mere sound of her voice makes me want to stick bamboo skewers through my ears and twist them repeatedly.

Ever since we moved into our new offices, which was about 10 weeks ago she has been leaving little gifts on the toilet seat. And by little gifts I mean rather long pubic hairs. *shiver*

I haven't said anything because I'm just not that bold. I just keep thinking "Come On! Can't you at least look at the toilet seat when you are through in there just to make sure that you're not leaving anything behind? Isn't that basic hygiene and manners?"

I need Jesse's balls of steel. She can tell anyone anything without hesitation. I love that about her.

Also, the length of them? Gross. Ack!

*shiver*

Also, I think she is taking laxatives because ....well, I will leave that to your imagination.

*shiver*

I'm so grossed out by her.

*shiver*

I need to find my coat. All of this shivering is making my nipples hurt.

Why do my birthdays suck?

2009-09-14T11:23:00.002-05:00

My birthday came and went. What did I get for my birthday you ask? Cupcakes from my co-workers and a bag of coffee from my mother-in-law.

That was it.

*frown*

On the bright side, it was more than I got last year. Still, my g/f didn't get me anything. Not even a stinking card. No gift. What is up with her? If I did that to her there would be hell to pay.

We also took a road trip down south so the kids could play in the natural springs. So not what I wanted to do on my birthday.

I'm kind of sad about the whole thing.

All I wanted was a Garman. That is the only thing I asked for. She didn't even have the kids give me a card or gift.

Argggg.

So. not. happy.

Molly'isms

2009-09-10T09:46:00.001-05:00

"Molly, which shoes would you like to wear today?"

"Well, I think I'll just wear my toes today. Thanks."

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Who are you, who who, who who

2009-09-08T14:27:00.001-05:00

What up?

Nothing like 5 month haitus to put things in perspective.

I'm back bitches. Deal. with. it.

Ann Coulter-the source of diaper rash

2009-03-20T09:37:00.001-05:00

I know that just giving my post a title with her name in it is giving her way more face (blog) time than this woman deserves, but sometimes the anger builds up enough that I just have to let it out or it might just explode through one of a few holes I have in my body. I'm a big fan of not holding things in and I'm an even bigger fan of keeping the current size of my orifices.

I thought that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was bat shit crazy but Ann can out-douche her any day. Having been a single mother at one point in time (and by law I am still considered a single mother) I was completely offended (shocker huh?) by the passage in her book that says "Victim of a crime? Thank a single mother." and then there was a lot more diarrhea that spewed forth from her after that.

I think she says the things she does because she is crazy and lonely and craves attention. She's like a dog. Any attention is good attention. I think she goes home every nights and cries into her oatmeal and masturbates to Rush Limbaugh because if anybody is as hated as Ann, it's Rush.

I feel sorry for her. Here death will be mourned by a lot less than those who will dance in the street.

P.S. If you didn't get the title, it's means that she is a piece of shit.

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Glory Glory and holy hell

2009-03-19T08:37:00.001-05:00

My doctor and I made a mutual decision to change my medication. I was slipping into depression again and my outbursts of anger were getting more frequent and more violent. She thinks the outbursts were my version of panic attacks. I get that. I understand. Sometimes my anxiety has nowhere to go except out and toward those I love.

In addition to the fact that my heart rate is too high (again) we decided a change would not only be a good idea, but probably necessary. The new medication is geared more toward panic attacks and OCD whereas my other medication wasn't. The old medication also has a history of causing a high heart rate. So, it got the boot.

There is also a good possibility that I have degenerative arthritis. I have to find the time to go get an x-ray of my hands. In the meantime she gave me a pain relieving gel to use because owie ouch my thumbs hurt, especially when I have to type a lot. Oh, and I had lab work to check my thyroid because I just found out that all the women in my family have had a problem with theirs. You'd think that would be information I would have been given years ago. Woohoo! Something new to blame my weight on. My old excuses were getting....well, old.

The good news is I'm starting to feel something in my girlie bits. If you remember there is a section of my body that has been dead for a long time and I blame the medication I was on. No feelings, tingles or desires in that area of the body AT ALL. Jesse has been very patient. It's like my body has been a dried up desert for many a moon and a crystal clear lake of refreshing spring water has appeared on the horizon, only it's not a mirage. It's real. See that? That is my girl bits and they are twinkling in the distance ready to be rediscovered.

Hopefully soon I will be able to tell my beloved to dive right in baby, the water is fine.

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Silver lining

2009-03-18T08:12:00.001-05:00

This is the silver lining to the black cloud I call family.

It had 42 miles on it. It's brand spankin' new. It smells real good. It's real purdy!

My girlfriend will have a new truck boner for days.

God love my girlfriend. I know I do.

Sometimes, family suck.

2009-03-17T14:17:00.003-05:00

When my dad passed away almost 3 years ago, my mother decided to give his truck to my nephew. He was 16 at the time and all he needed to do to take possession of it was get his drivers license and insurance. He never did either one of those things.

He dropped out of high school, will not hold down a job, never got his license and getting insurance has never been a priority. Anything that didn't involve getting drunk or high has never been a priority for him. He's 19 1/2 years old now. He lives in an apartment with his 17 year old girlfriend and neither one of them will hold down a job. They can. They just don't choose to.

I borrowed the truck to haul some stuff because we didn't want to get my van dirty so it's been sitting at my house for long time. It's an old beat up truck that you don't drive around in for pride but you use it to haul stuff in. It's a work truck. I offered to buy it and my mom said okay but that I would have to wait because she was going to give my nephew time to get his act together. That was 6 months ago and I called her last week and told her I needed to buy it or I needed to return it.

She commented about the the bills she could pay and the new eye glasses she could get with the money I was going to give her. She lives on a fixed income and is disabled. She was going to call my nephew and tell him his time was up and she was selling it to me.

I'm not sure what happened although I have my theories but in the end my sister got insurance for the truck and it was no longer up for sale. One minute we were buying it, my son would have a vehicle for his 16th birthday and all was well and the next minute it was gone.

My theory is that my sister bullied my mom into backing out of our deal. She bailed out a kid who has had almost 3 years to get his shit together. All he needed was his drivers license and insurance and he would have had a FREE TRUCK. If my kid had that opportunity and he squandered 3 years and did nothing, it would be a cold day in hell before I helped him out.

3 fucking years. He's 19 1/2 years old and doesn't have a drivers license. I don't know why she did it. Now he's getting a free truck and he didn't have to do a thing to get it.

My mom said these words to me:

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Someone was going to have to get mad at me in this deal and I'm sorry that it had to be you. I could have really used that money, now I don't know where I'm going to get it. I should have sold it to you a year ago. I'm sorry, please please don't be mad at me."

I shouldn't be surprised that I got the shit end of the stick. It's been this way for years, but after that conversation I got so upset that my stomach decided to drop it's contents all at once. I love that my emotions are so connected to my bowels.

Imagine me, crying on the toilet and praying that my intestines weren't coming out with everything else. I wasn't for sure if I was going to write about this because my sister's daughter reads my blog. She's my favorite person and I know it has to be hard to read this about your mother and brother. But then if someone said something bad about my brother it's probably something I've already said myself so you just never know when someone is going to be understanding about the family you rant about.

I really don't think my dad would have wanted things to happen like this. I think he would have wanted his wife to be able to afford a new pair of glasses than for an ingrate grandson to get a free truck.

The whole situation sucks and has left me very sad and very disappointed in the way some family members have acted. I'm bitter and angry and if I were the type of person who could remember to send out Christmas Cards I would totally scratch them off my list. Until then, I'll have to settle for the cold shoulder. I don't even think they will notice.

God love my family. Somebody has to.

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So many posts, so little motivation

2009-03-16T09:09:00.003-05:00

I have so many things I want to tell you about dear internet but my time is fleeting. I seem to get busier with each passing day.

First, the important stuff.

I went to my doctor last week and the most memorable part about the visit was when I was leaving. I walked through the exit door and there was a ~~midget~~ little person standing right in front of me.

What is the politically correct thing to do in this situation?

Do I look him in the eye as if to say "I see you there, and your short stature and your stunted limbs do not freak me out in the slightest because I see you as a normal human being and totally not weird at all! I'm okay, you're okay."

or

Do I look away and not acknowledge that I see him at all as if to say "I'm a busy person and it's not that I'm ignoring you it's just that I'm busy with my own life and I don't notice my surroundings and it's really not you, it's me."

Or do I make eye contact, nod and then look away?

What do you do?

Naked Princess

2009-03-05T08:43:00.003-06:00

If you can figure out how to keep clothes on an almost 3 year old, please pass your secret voodoo magic tricks to me. It never fails that 10 minutes after we get home she starts shedding her layers.

Shoes, gone.
Socks, gone.
Shirt, pulled up to her forehead and hanging being her like long flowing hair (ala Lily Tomlin), then gone.
Pants, gone.
Panties (or pullup), gone.

Then? We do the naked dance.

"I'm nakie nakie nakie" all while wiggling her hips and smiling like that she got away with something.

"Molly! Come here! You get over here right now and put some panties on!"

"Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww... I'm a naked PRINCESS!" Then the chase is on.

"You can be a naked princess with panties on." Running down the hall.

"Newwwwwwwwwww, I have to be a NAKED PRINCEEEEEESSSS!" She holds up her hand in a stop gesture.

"Princesses wear panties to you know." Slumping to the floor to hold her down in an attempt to get panties on her naked business.

"No. No. No. NAY - KED!" She wriggles free and runs through the house. "Nakie, nakie, nakie."

"Okay, fine. You go and be a naked princess then, just remember that princesses don't pee pee on the chair!" "And they don't get cookies either!"

"Will you help me put panties on?"

"Yes, come here." She inches close to me, smiling, then she takes off running.

I threw her panties at her and gave up.

At least she didn't pee on her chair. This time.

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My lips are better than yours

2009-03-02T15:29:00.003-06:00

I just now realized that I do a really weird thing. I mean REAL weird. Everyone told me growing up that I was weird, my family, my friends, and now? My son says I'm weird. Okay, I get it. I'm weird, but I'm loveable. When I don't have PMS. Which I totally do right now. I just wish I would get the damn thing so I would STOP WITH THE CRYING DURING COMMERCIALS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck.

Oh, I'm weird. About that. I just realized, that when I put on chapstick that I don't move the chapstick over my lips. I keep my hand still and I contort my lips in a back and forth motion that can only be described by comparing it to someone with really great fingernails scratching your back. You know that look on your face you get while you are "ooohing" and "ahhhhing"? The one where you make weird faces with your lips? Yeah, that's the one.

I move my lips back and forth across the chapstick while my hand remains motionless.

Yes I do.

Now you are wondering how you put on your own chapstick aren't you?

I'll bet you have your chapstick in hand right at this very moment.

I would also guess that you are looking for a mirror so you can see exactly how you put your chapstick on.

Aren't you?

Don't deny it, you can't fool me.

What is YOUR weird thing?

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Black creepy crawly

2009-02-27T11:47:00.008-06:00

Last night Jesse wanted to watch Rooster Cogburn and I didn't. So instead of kicking her out of the living room which is what I usually do, I decided to retreat to the bedroom to find something on TV a little less John Wayneish. There really wasn't anything else on, I flipped through the channels a million times though.

I heard Jesse calling for me from Molly's room, I went to see what she wanted and she is sprawled across the bed lengthwise and is inspecting the wall on the other side of the mattress. I got up close to see what she was looking at and she said:

"Is this mold?"

FUCK

"Well, it looks like mold."

I got closer, "and it smells like mold too."

Then I noticed that the paint was bubbled and I started to pick at it a little, then I was able to pull off about an 8 inch section of paint in one tug. What did I see?

MOLD! Nasty black mold and wet mushy sheet rock.

FUUUUUUUCK!

The outside water faucet in the front of the house is right at the corner of Molly's room. It leaked. It leaked for a long time. I finally told Jesse that if we don't get it fixed we were going to have a foundation problem. So we got it fixed and we thought that was going to be the end of it. But no. Not just no, but fuck no. Life would not give us a break on this one. Apparently the faucet leaked more than we thought because the moisture had to travel through brick, concrete, insulation and sheet rock and then through about 8 layers of paint.

Then Jesse pulled off a HUGE section of paint to reveal just how bad the mold was. The stench was so overwhelming I had to leave the room. The mold is bad y'all. Real bad.

So I called a lesbian friend of mine who renovates houses for a living and asked her opinion on the matter. Were going to have to tear out the infected area plus a foot extra in every direction and make sure that it all dries out. Treat any leftover moldy areas like brick or the studs to make sure the mold is indeed dead, then put up new insulation, sheet rock, tape, mud and paint, etc..etc.. physical labor, sweating, cursing and achy sore muscles. Yeehaw. And since Molly has developed her own personality since I squeezed her out we had eventual (key word is eventual) plans to turn her cowgirl themed bedroom into a princess themed bedroom so we might as well do that while were tearing out half of the walls. Can I get a yeehaw?

Did I mention that we are in the middle, the VERY MIDDLE of renovating the den? And did I mention that we were planning to renovate the living room right after the den? Were not just talking about slapping a new coat of paint on the walls, the den is being completely remodeled and we will repaint the living room, tear out and replace all of the trim and crown molding, new window treatments and new hard wood floors!

I will practically have a new house when this is finished. Now all I need is to finish the other half of the bathroom (we have a new tub, toilet, sink & faucet), re-model our bedroom and Eugene's room and it will be a brand new house. Were also getting a flat screen TV. Yeehaw.

So, if you haven't heard from me in a while, it will be safe to assume that Jesse got sick of me complaining about all of the work and beat me to death with a paintbrush roller.

Can I get a yeehaw?

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Oh Phillip!!!

2009-02-27T08:35:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!!!!!!!!!

Matters of the heart

2009-02-26T10:30:00.003-06:00

Not love. Heart disease. My co-worker had a health scare and it made me think about my own mortality. I know that I will die someday. I'm hoping that it will be in my sleep, of natural causes and when I'm elderly. But we all know it doesn't always work out that way. I think it happens a lot less than people imagine.

Of all of the people in my family that have died (and there have been many) only one of those people died peacefully in their sleep (and who really knows for sure if it was peaceful because she was alone). The rest? Heart disease. It sucks. I feel like I'm doomed because not one person in my family (who did not commit suicide, thats a whole other story) has died from something other than heart disease on both sides of my family. Double doomed. Does cancer run in my family? Don't know. No one lives long enough to get cancer.

DOOMED, but I would like to be doomed at an older age than the rest of my family and the only way to do that is to get healthy. I already quit smoking but I am like a ton of other people and I am way too heavy. Food is my drug of choice, my lover, my confidant, my security blanket. I've been leaning on my confidant too much because it shows in the form of a closet full of clothes that I can longer squeeze my ass into.

So I started taking baby steps. I have had oatmeal for breakfast 3 times this week AND I did not slather it with butter. I used on packet of Splenda and one small pat of butter. That has to be better than a sausage egg McMuffin right? Or Bavarian cream filled donuts or that damn breakfast burrito that is so stinkin yummy. I need a napkin, I'm drooling.

I have also tried to reduce the amount of food I eat because I can eat like a football player y'all. It's not even funny. There was this incident at IHOP over the weekend and I have forbidden Jesse to speak about it. Not even to me. I'm in the process of suppressing that memory.

The good news? I have lost 2.5 lbs in 4 days. THAT to me, is amazing. I just need to get through the weekend without frying something. For those of you who are from the South, you know what I mean.

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Pregnancy Part 3 - Week 5 through 8

2009-02-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

Week 4 - July 28th - August 3rd

-Well, my stomach has been feeling pretty crummy. It feels hungry all the time, but then I can't eat much. Started having terrible pains in my stomach, I was paranoid but hopeful. I went in for an ultrasound on Aug 2nd, no cysts, everything looked good, but couldn't find a sac because it was too early. I'll go back Friday for another ultrasound and another beta. I hope we can see something by then. Every time I eat something my stomach hurts like hell, I'm thinking it's gastritis. I may overdose on Tums.

-Feeling better, no major stomach issues, I have been able to eat without too much of a problem. My pregnancy symptoms seemed to have minimized a bit. This worries me to no end. I also had a bit of spotting on the morning of Aug 4th, but nothing since. I'm belching and farting like a truck driver. How sexy am I?

Week 5 - August 4th- August 10th

-I had an ultrasound today and we got to see the gestational sac. WHAT A RELIEF! My hcg jumped to 2275 and my progesterone went back up to 29. Everything looked fantastic! Because I have a fibroid in my uterus my RE mentioned that I "may" be at a slight higher risk for a C-section. BUT everything looked GREAT!!! I go back for another ultrasound to find the heartbeat on August 15th. Here's a pic of our precious little one!

-All is well except for some constant mild cramping - which could be anything at this point. I've had some dizziness, a bit of morning sickness, and a lot of fatigue. Jesse seems to have all of the symptoms right along with me. She's being a great sport about it, she's very excited and pats or touches my belly a lot.

Week 6 - August 11th - August 17th

-On Monday August 15 we are officially 6 weeks and 4 days and we saw the heartbeat! Yeah, it was such a relief to see that little heartbeat! I think we can breathe a little easier now and can relax a bit and try to start enjoying this pregnancy. My risk for miscarriage goes down to 10%, so were still cautious, but so very optimistic!!!!

Week 7 - August 18th - August 24th

-Morning sickness hit with a massive boom last night. The nausea carried over to today, but it was much better after lunch. Still feeling tired, and I'm already popping out of my shirts. A friend of mine is loaning me some maternity clothes, I will pick those up today, I can't WAIT! I get to have fun tonight going through all of them. Only 5 more weeks and I will be past the 12 weeks mark. The "safe zone".

-Had a bit of a scare over the weekend with pretty bad cramping and spotting. I called the on-call OB and she told me to rest all weekend and to go to the ER if things got really bad. So I rested all weekend, and by Monday morning the spotting had stopped, but I called my RE anyway. I was able to go in for another ultrasound and we saw a strong heartbeat and couldn't find any problems at all. The cramps come and go and basically I just have to deal with them. Morning (evening) sickness is still a bit of a problem. I'm having trouble finding stuff to eat that appeals to me. AND I've gained 4 lbs. I'm already wearing maternity clothes because I'm popping out EVERYWHERE.

Here's another pic

Our Song

2009-02-19T09:27:00.001-06:00

I forgot to name what our song is in my Cupid post. And boy did you guys let me know! LOL

Our song is Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

Odd things I notice

2009-02-18T08:15:00.000-06:00

This is a snapshot of my home page.

In case you can't see it, it says "Jerry OyConnell"

Is that a Jewish/Irish thing?

Not funny? I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm just weird.

Pay no attention to the lopsided arrow.

How Cupid made me cry

2009-02-17T14:45:00.006-06:00

I am very verbal about the fact that Jesse and I do not celebrate Valentines Day. It's a Hallmark holiday made up by some sentimental jerk off in order to make us feel bad that we don't appreciate and adore our significant other the other 364 days of the year. Not that I have a strong opinion on that or anything.

I hate the holiday. Plain and simple. The chocolates, the cards, the red and pink hearts. It's an assault on the senses. No one should have to see that much red and pink at one time. Don't even get me started on the jewelry commercials on TV. SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HIT YOU WITH A PINK BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES.

So imagine how verklempt I was when I got up on Saturday morning and there was a card and a gift sitting on the kitchen table. If you could read my thoughts, there would have been a comment bubble above my head with this in it:

WTF???

"Honey, what is this? We don't celebrate Valentines Day."

"I know, but since I blew it on your birthday AND Christmas, I thought I would take the opportunity to make it up to you."

That is when a tiny tear formed in my eye, my heart (pink I'm sure) began to melt and I got all mushy. FUCKING VALENTINES DAY! On the inside I was shaking my fist at Cupid, the little fucker.

The card played a song when you opened it, and of course, it was "our song". Which just made me want to melt into a puddle right then and there. I love our song. It's so...... different. I have never in my life known this song to be anyone else's song. Of course. We may just be odd.

The gift made me leave the room and cry. You see, when she wants to, Jesse can bring me to my knees and and make me weep. She is just an amazing person. I am so very lucky. She bought me a flag display box for my fathers flag. Just typing this out makes my throat hurt and my eyes well up.

My dad has been gone for almost 3 years and I've been asking for a box for about the last year. It took me that long just to be able to get the words out without choking on them.

She got me a box for his flag. I'm overwhelmed with joy and sadness at the same time. I miss him so very much every day. He missed out on my beautiful daughter and she will never know her papa and they really would have liked each other. I'm certain of that.

Pregnancy Part 2 - Finally a baby on the way

2009-02-17T08:37:00.001-06:00

(Pregnancy diary posting from 2005)

Just a history of this cycle - After the miscarriage we had to wait through 3 cycles to try again and in the meantime I had some tests done and it turns out my progesterone levels are way low which told us that I can get pregnant, I just can't stay pregnant. Secondary infertility. We had another IUI in June and I had to use progesterone suppositories starting on the third day after the IUI. It postponed my period which got my hopes up. Stupid, I know. I knew it could delay my period and I got my hopes up anyway. Live and learn.

I told our Fertility Doc that we were only giving it one more shot. I couldn't deal with the emotional let down time after time. We were worn slick. I told him we needed to bring out the big guns. And he did. God love him.

I took Femara on CD 5 through 9, started OPK's on CD 12. Had a positive OPK in the evening of July 11th and the morning of July 12th.

July 12, 2005 - IUI in the morning. CM looked good, all signs point to great timing.

July 13, 2005 - OPK still very positive, another IUI at noon. This is the first time we've ever done 2 inseminations in one cycle. CM still had most of it's clarity. Very uncomfortable cramping on my right side, RE says it's ovulation pain. I'm feeling very bloated and my abdomen is very tender.

July 14, 2005 - Ovulation Day - The waiting begins. Not as bloated as yesterday, abdomen is still a bit tender. I know it's too early for this to mean anything, but I want to post it anyway. I had some dizziness in the afternoon and in the evening and what seemed to be more than usual CM causing "leaky" sensation. Too early I know...but I'm posting EVERYTHING!

July 15, 2005 - 1 DPO - I'm bloated again. My stomach is very tender. The vibration from walking hurts. It's starting to worry me a bit, this doesn't feel normal. It never hurts like this with a normal non-IUI cycle. Started progesterone this morning, already have increased appetite from it. JOY! I expect full side effects by Monday. I cried twice today listening to a song on the radio. Stupid song. I also had left breast pain under the nipple that last about 20 seconds. Temps are flatlined, this was expected due to the progesterone. Weird body aches and pains this time around. Puzzling.

July 16, 2005 - 2 DPO - Still a bit bloated. Abdomen is still tender and getting worse in the evening. What the hell is THAT about. I slept late today, and I got a little more tired than usual, probably from the progesterone and the stress of it all. Can't forget the STRESS!

July 17, 2005 - 3 DPO - Abdomen feels a lot better, still some bloating especially when I eat. Very fatigued and had heartburn in the middle of the night. Dreaming a lot and not sleeping well. This process is such a roller coaster. Not just with emotions, but to pay attention to every little thing your body is doing is exhausting. My mind is constantly racing, calculating hours and days, signs and symptoms, what-if's and could be's. This process is both emotionally and physically demanding.

July 18, 2005 - 4 DPO - Abdomen feels normal again, very hungry to the point of nausea. Had heartburn in the middle of the night again. Am I eating too late in the evening? Dreaming a lot still, not sleeping well. I'm blaming that on the progesterone. 1 degree temp spike. Very tired. It's only day 4 and I'm ready for this to be done one way or the other. BM have changed, more urgent need to go, and if I can't go right away it's very uncomfortable.

July 19, 2005 - 5 DPO - No more heartburn, tad bit of cramping, still dreaming a lot. Temp still flatlined. Tired. Woke up with a little bit of a stuffy nose that went away quickly. Nothing else. Nothing left to over analyze or hang on to by my fingernails.

July 20, 2005 - 6 DPO - No heartburn. I had a lot of cramping, switching from my left side to my right side all day. Pain behind right nipple. Tired, increased CM....I think....hard to tell with the progesterone. It seems like something might be going on in there...very hopeful.

July 21, 2005 - 7 DPO - Took forever to go to sleep last night. I'm very tired today. Before lunch I had no symptoms whatsoever, very discouraging. After lunch the cramps seem to be returning. Had a temp spike of .1 degree, I wish it would keep going up so I can have an indication of which symptoms to look for. What the hell is going on with this nipple pain? Is it a progesterone thing because COME ON!

July 22, 2005 - 8 DPO - Cramps on and off. Sharp poking/pinching pain low low in my abdomen. Ears feel like their full of water...and popping. Tired, not sleeping well. Face got flush today, felt very hot. Not much appetite. Sudden burning type pains in both breasts that lasts only a few seconds. Feel kind of depressed today. Temp went back down .1 degree, very flatlined temps, I wish it would have a great big spike. I really just don't feel well at all. I think the stress of all of this is catching up with me. It's making me tired and cranky.

July 23, 2005 - 9 DPO - Nothing new really. Still tired, still no appetite. Cramps here and there. Praying. Thinking. Praying. Crying. I hate that we have to go through this. I'm not sure my RE told me to buckle my seat belt for this ride.

July 24, 2005 - 10 DPO - Same as yesterday. Bah hum bug.

July 25, 2005 - 11 DPO - Wow..I feel like crap! I just don't feel good all over. I'm hot, sick to my stomach, tired, my boobs are starting to hurt and I'm cranky! All I can say is WOW! The a/c is out at the office, so I don't know if it's that or genuine pregnancy...but let me tell you that I FEEL pregnant! I feel very pregnant and if I'm not I will be so sad because OH MY GOSH I TOTALLY FEEL PREGNANT! I will test tomorrow.

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OH MY GOD WERE PREGNANT!!!!

July 26, 2005 - 12 DPO - Well what do you know! We have a bun in the oven! I went for a beta and my hcg was only 24, but my progesterone was 22.23 The progesterone is good, but the hcg is low. Were hoping it's just because it's early (very early) in the pregnancy and the numbers will go up. OH MY GOD WERE PREGNANT!!

July 27, 2005 - 13 DPO - Today has been hard knowing that this pregnancy can go either way. The low hcg is cause for concern. We've been right here at this moment before and I hate hate HATE that were here again. Were hoping and praying for a good outcome. I'm having all the pregnancy symptoms: Fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, sore and swollen boobs. The symptoms are very comforting at the moment because I have nothing else to hold onto.

July 28, 2005 - 14 DPO - My temperature spiked to an all time high this morning. My beta results are in: hcg is 54 and progesterone is 29.13 These numbers make us feel a bit better, but I'm praying that the beta on Monday is even better!

August 1, 2005 - 18 DPO - hcg is 403! Yeah!! Progesterone dropped to 24.7, but RE doesn't seem too concerned. Were definitely preggo! I can't believe this is finally happening. We are so blessed. This was our last try! Wow. I am so excited and in awe that we are really going to have a baby.

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Spackle and marriage

2009-02-16T15:08:00.000-06:00

I'm still pulling spackle out of my hair from the weekend. The den renovation continues despite protests from my aching back and sore knees. Were not even half way there yet and I'm so over it. I want my den back. I want my little corner to be back the way it was so I can go in there and draw, paint, scrapbook or make a card whenever the urge strikes. I have a couple of painting projects I want to start and I can't because of the mess. Spackle sucks ass. We also have 2 dogs and a toddler tracking through the mess we made. I forgot to take a picture but we now have a toddler size handprint right in the middle of the freshly spackled wall. Nice. We did get the largest wall finished, but it's little consolation because of the amount of work that is left to do. My girlfriend is highly ambitious. She thinks we will be finished in time to paint this weekend. We will be gone half a day on Saturday to a basketball game and she wants to be able to paint on Sunday. Ha ha ha ha ha. Very ambitious indeed!

The only bright spot is that my sneakers were ruined yesterday in the process and now I will be forced to buy another pair. Damn the spackle for forcing me to go shoe shopping!

Speaking of scrapbooking, I am getting this when we are through with the remodel and I am so happy! I get all giddy when I think about it.

My boss got engaged over the weekend. yeahhhh. I am SO excited. Can you tell? I get to hear about 2 people planning their wedding. You know. The only other people in the office that I am with 8 hours a day. Talking about weddings, receptions, bridesmaid dresses, churches, invitations, flowers, decorations, showers and honeymoons. Gag me. Does anyone use that expression any more? Gag me with a spoon. Why a spoon? Why not a fork or a knife? Sorry...random thoughts. I just really don't want to hear all of the wedding stuff. It became old long before Cruella got engaged and now my boss is afflicted with it. It must stop before my mouth can no longer contain the evil words floating around in my brain.

He said he would get married before the end of the year so at least the wedding nonsense will stop in no more than 10 1/2 months.

Yip-pee.

At least 2010 looks promising.

More pregnancy diary coming soon.

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Pregnancy Part 1 - Pregnancy & Miscarriage

2009-02-10T11:18:00.004-06:00

I will be transferring my pregnancy diary to this blog from it's previous home so I can delete the old and carry on with the new.

The following took place in 2005

February 3rd Thur. - Day of insemination. Everything went well, I have the normal cramping/bloating feeling that is normal after the procedure. Praying that this time it will take. I don't know how many more times my head and my heart can do this.

February 4th Fri. - 1 DPO (Day Post Ovulation) At about 4:00 am I had a pretty bad cramp on my right side, enough to wake me up and them my moans of pain woke Jesse up. Normal bloating sensation and I craved orange juice which was kind of weird. I had right breast twinges/pain, headache, and weird "leaking" sensations. More cramping. Trying not to read too much into anything because Holy hell it has only been 1 day. Fuck this patience shit. It's for the birds.

February 5th Sat. - 2 DPO - I actually took a 2 hour nap! That rarely happens for me, I also had some slight heartburn late in the evening. Still hating the wait. Looking for symptoms that I know won't be there yet. Have I said this waiting shit is for the birds?

February 6th Sun. - 3 DPO - Nipple tenderness, and severe mood swing . OMG I'm dying with this symptom shit. Why can't we have a little turkey pop up thingy to tell us if were baking or not? Too many cooking references? The wait. Oh the wait.

February 7th Mon. - 4 DPO - Nipple tenderness still, "Full" feeling in lower abdomen, sudden pain above pelvic bone, cramping, slight nausea around 11:00 am, frequent urination (not sure if pregnancy related or just too much to drink). Birds and more birds.

February 8th Tues. - 5 DPO - I had a temperature spike this morning, and wasn't for sure what it meant so I had to do some research. The spike is indicative of implantation. BUT that isn't fool proof. We'll have to see what my temps do for the next few days. Some women get a temp spike and aren't pregnant, but it could be a good sign. I'm definitely hormonal today, I've cried twice and it's only 10:00 am. Could be pregnancy hormones, but it could just be regular old PMS! My cheeks also felt flush and I may have had a dizzy spell, it was a real quick "rush" type of feeling. I also had cramping in the afternoon, and a little bit of creamy CM. Have I mentioned that the waiting is the worst!

February 9th Wed. - 6DPO - I woke up early with heavy cramping. This isn't the type of cramping I've had the last 5 days. It's a much heavier cramp, and it feels deeper than the previous cramps. It is all across my lower abdomen, and it feels the same as cramping on the first day of your period. It made my spirits drop and I almost gave up hope on everything. The cramping has not stopped, it is continuous. I have no other symptoms. I'm still hopeful, but I'm not as positive as I was previously. (Okay, who am I kidding, positive? LMAO I'm so full of shit) I also got sick to my stomach, I don't know if that is true nausea or that I was sick to my stomach because my cramps hurt so bad. I had another temperature spike of .1 degree, I hope that is a good sign. I can only keep my fingers crossed at this point.

February 10th Thur. - 7DPO- The heavy cramps finally went away last night to be replaced with the normal cramps I've been having. I did have another temp spike of .1 degrees again, so thats a temp spike 3 days in a row, my cycle is definitely triphasic which is a really good sign. I am a tad bit constipated today as well..which is also another symptom. Coincidence? I sure hope not!! Other than that, I'm having no other symptoms. I do have info that might be relevant I just don't know. Usually I am awake long before the alarm clock goes off, and I will doze and wake up, doze and wake up. This morning I slept all the way through the night and the alarm clock woke me up. That doesn't happen often. More tired? I wish I knew!!! Only 5 more days and I might do an HPT. I may wait 7 days just to be sure. I would rather get my period than see a negative HPT!

February 11th Fri. - 8DPO - Well, my temperature dipped .2 degrees today. That isn't necessarily bad news, I kind of expected it after looking at other women's temp charts online. Today I have mild cramps, barely noticeable in the morning, but increasing as the day progresses. I don't know if that's good or bad. I am a bit moody today, but my back and hip hurts so that may be why. I am a bit discouraged today because of lack of symptoms, but I'm not giving up yet. After all, some women don't have any symptoms until after they miss their period. I hope the weekend brings good news. I will be in class all weekend, hopefully that will make the time go by really fast.

February 12th & 13th Sat & Sun - 9 & 10 DPO - Cramps eased off on 12th, totally disappearing on 13th. No symptoms whatsoever! Not very hopeful. Temps went back up after dip, staying the same on both days. Took an EPT knowing that it was too early, it was negative of course. Hoping to not give in to the temptation to test again.

February 14th Mon. - 11 DPO - No cramps in the morning. No symptoms. My temp dipped .5 degrees...not a good sign. Late afternoon, cramps started and are getting heavier as the day goes on. My face feels "flushed", I'm having to put my coke can on my face to feel better. Not sure if my body is hot, or the office is hot. Looked at my calendar and realized today is day 28 of my cycle. My period should arrive today according to my last period, but not until Wednesday according to the 14 day rule for ovulation. So if I don't start at all today, I will have a glimmer of hope. I will probably wait until Thursday to test. KEEPING FINGERS CROSSED TIGHT!!!

February 15th Tues. - 12 DPO - Well my temp is the same as yesterday. I guess it's a good thing that it didn't drop more. I didn't get my period yesterday, but that only makes me assume that I will get it tomorrow on the 14th day after ovulation. I suppose we'll see. I do have cramping again today, but that could mean anything. I don't know if I've gotten so upset today worrying about everything, but my stomach is in an uproar! My stomach hurts and I'm a bit nauseated. Do I think I'm pregnant? No, not really, I think I've gotten myself into such an emotional state that I've made myself sick. I wish I could calm down. I guess in 2 days I will either be calm or excited. Either way I hope to feel better...unless I have morning sickness...then I'll be just as happy!!

February 16th Wed. - 13 DPO - Ended up spotting a little last night but no spotting today! AF is supposed to arrive this afternoon. BIG GRIN! My temp spiked as well. I'm not sure what all of this means, but at this point I'm very hopeful.

February 17th Thur. - 14 DPO - I did end up having some spotting last night that was a bit heavier than the previous spotting. Still cramping somewhat. Nothing major. Had a small temp dip this morning, again nothing major. I half expected it to drop real low to indicate that my period would arrive today, but it didn't. I am literally on pins and needles just waiting for something to happen. I'm afraid to take an HPT, I just can't handle a negative!! If my period doesn't arrive, I will probably hold out until Saturday or Sunday to test...just to be sure.

February 18th Fri - 15 DPO - Okay, my temp is the same as yesterday. No spotting today at all. BUT I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. *bummer* Getting cramps on and off. I'm so afraid to get my hopes up. No other symptoms, unless you count being hungry all of the time...but I've been so busy that eating hasn't been a priority lately, so I could ACTUALLY be hungry. So I guess I'm officially 1 day late! I'm keeping those fingers crossed!!

February 19th & 20th Sat & Sun - 16 & 17 DPO - Saturday I had a tiny bit of spotting, I did have to pee a lot today (wondering if I was drinking a lot)no other "real" symptoms. My temp spiked higher than it has been the whole cycle. I seem to be eating more, but that could be stress eating. Sunday got a negative HPT, had more spotting than previously. No symptoms to speak of. Getting very frustrated that I don't know anything yet. My temp also dropped close to the cover line...getting a little depressed about all of this.

February 21st Mon. - 18 DPO - My temp dropped .1 degree from yesterday, I'm feeling like it's not looking good. No cramps in the am, but in the afternoon the cramps have returned and are pretty severe, with them being this bad I expect my period to arrive any second. I'm not feeling hopeful about this anymore. This morning felt like a normal day mid cycle. I did some research online and found that there are a lot of women out there who negative HPT's sometimes to even 9 days late, so I'm still holding on to hope, but at this point not much. It has been a long time since I have been this late. *sigh* I hate this waiting.

February 22nd Tue. - 19 DPO - WE'RE PREGNANT!!

We got a faint positive on the HPT this morning!! We are so happy!!!

February 24th - Unfortunately we have miscarried.

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We should rename my blog "I hate my co-worker"

2009-02-06T08:36:00.004-06:00

Wow. I never in my life thought that I would complain so much about Cruella, but this woman lives in her own world. And if I hear her say "While I appreciate the fact that you're trying to help..." one more time I might just have to say "While I appreciate your attempt to be a decent human being, you are failing miserably and I need to unhook your battery."

Yesterday she was making phone calls on company time trying to find an organization that would help a family pay their medical bills (because her father takes it upon himself to help strays and wayward families). During the phone calls she said what her name was and that she worked for "XYZ Company".

My internal alarm bells started going off so when she got off the phone I asked her who she was making the calls for and instead of just saying "My dad" she gave me a 5 minute explanation about her father taking in strays and helping out the homeless and that he always has some sort of project going to help people and this one time he...... after that it was all blah blah blah.

Before I let her finish her little speech I had to interrupt and I said "So your answer is your dad." Was I being a bitch? I'm so sick of her long winded back stories. She over explains everything and I just don't have that kind of time.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that she has a big enough heart to try to help some people out but she was misrepresenting our company.

Our company is not trying to help this family and the fact that she is dropping our name makes it sound like we are behind this endeavor. It's misleading and dishonest. This was a personal matter and she should have never said our company name out loud.

So I called her on it. The thing about finally speaking out and standing up to your co-worker is that it gets easier every time you do it. I told her that I felt it was a misrepresentation of us because our company was not seeking help on their behalf and that her name dropping was inappropriate. She said she didn't intend for it to sound that way. I said "okay" and left it at that.

10 minutes later.... "While appreciate the fact that you spoke up about how you felt, I would prefer it if you wouldn't say "okay" and just tell me what you think. Tell me that you think it's wrong or tell me anything, but just don't say "okay" and then walk away.

She had a good point. I hated her for it. I wanted to poke out her eyes and cram them up her nose.

So I told her that I thought it was inappropriate to misrepresent who you are calling on behalf of because our company had nothing to do with it and she shouldn't have name dropped.

I could go on and on because let me just tell you, Cruella can beat a subject to death. She will talk about any given thing so much that you finally just give in because apparently, telling her to shut the fuck up would be wrong. At least that's what they tell me. I'm not so sure. It would seem to be an effective tool if you ask me.

I tried my hardest not to speak to her for the rest of the day. Why I let this person ruin my mood and get under my skin so much I will never know. What I do know is that almost every person in the company who has had the guts to say it out loud has said they don't like her and wouldn't trust her for anything.

So in the end I'm not the only one who has problems with her. It seems 99% of our staff feel the same way. They are fortunate not to have to share an office with her. I know more about wedding planning than I ever cared to. Just like everyday, she's going to show me something wedding related and I'm going to tell her that it's ugly and that I can't believe she would have that at her wedding.

Maybe she will be the one who leaves the office angry and blue. I think it's her turn now.

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Repercussions

2009-02-03T08:46:00.003-06:00

I probably should have thought about this before my tolerance for my co-worker wore thin and before I grew a pair of nubbin balls and told her she was wasting staff meeting time. Arrggggg arrgggggg.

What I have done has slowly sunk in and there is a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have realized that Cruella will not take any of this lightly. She holds a grudge and she will seek revenge. That revenge will probably be in the form of attempting to humiliate me in front of an audience of as many people as she can gather. She will lie in wait, licking her hands like a lioness plotting her next kill. She will let the the little opportunities pass by like field mice all the while licking her chops knowing that an antelope will soon turn that corner. Oh yes, she's waiting to pounce and she will go for the jugular and she won't stop chomping until I'm thoroughly humiliated. Then she will lick her lips in satisfaction over her triumphant kill, preen herself and pull her shoulders back with pride because she stuck it to me good.

It's unfortunate that I feel this way about her. Knowing that every time I stand up to her or say something she doesn't want to hear that she will get back at me one way or the other. Now that I have spoken up it seems that I have thrown down the gauntlet and there is no picking it back up and saying "Haha, just kidding you great person you!" So now I have to own what I did, stand behind it and continue to speak up. Otherwise she will continue to goad me into these trivial little games she plays. What games? Let me give you an example or 20.

Situation #1.

We have a meeting that starts in 10 minutes. Cruella is on her way out and stops at my desk and asks "Can I help you with something?" I say "Sure, can you make 10 copies of this?" "No problem." She replies. She makes my 10 copies and then leaves to go to the meeting. I am literally 1 minute behind her. When we arrive to the meeting she announces to everyone "Sorry, I'm late. I had to help Kathy get ready for this meeting."

It took her doing that 3 times before I figured out what she was doing. She was running behind for all of these meetings and offered her assistance in order to blame me for her being tardy and unprepared. Picture me realizing what she was doing and then being unable to say "That fucking bitch." in my out loud voice. I thought my head was going to explode.

Situation #2.

We had some items go missing from one of our facilities that had to be closed down. I made a passing joke to Cruella that maybe I should call the former employees and just make sure I have their correct address for the "police investigation" to maybe scare someone into returning the items. It was a flip comment and I had no intention of taking that statement to my boss. It was kind of a joke. 30 minutes later we are both in a meeting with our boss and Cruella opened her big fat smelly mouth and said "Kathy had this idea that......" and then went on to explain what I had said. I should have known that she would do this because it's not the first time she has ratted me out about something I said. So, I felt that I had to own the comment and my boss kind of snickered about it and said maybe we should do something like that.

This is where she totally drives a knife into my back. She said that she thought it was a bad idea, talked about why it was a bad idea and then provided her own solution to retrieve the missing items. Now I have no problem with her telling us her ideas. If she has a solution to a problem then that is just great, but she threw me under the bus and intentionally tried to make me look bad before she told us her brilliant idea that was so much better than mine. That just isn't cool. I will make sure that if I am in the room and can stop her, she will never do that to me again. It was humiliating to say the least. The second she says "Kathy said..." I am going to give her a verbal smack down.

In the end, I had the last laugh. I proceeded with my idea and it worked. The missing items were "miraculously" found.

These are just 2 of the many examples of why I hate her so much. I know that hate is such a strong word, but when she uses people the way she does it evokes very strong emotions. I think she's fake and she gives off the impression that she is better than you. To me she is white trash trying to live a life of status that she only received (in her head) once she became engaged to her fiance who is an up and coming member of society who works for a prestigious local firm.

You can take the girl off the farm and put her in a party dress but she's still going to say "Yee haw."

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I did it!

2009-02-02T12:28:00.005-06:00

***UPDATE!! SEE BELOW***

First of all, like the new layout? I love it! It's pink! I will make a few changes here and there when I get the chance, but for now I love it.....

My title. Your wondering what it means right? You are on your seat with anticipation right? Your salivating just at the mere thought that I am about to tell you something profound. Right? Well, here it is.

I finally told my co-worker to shut up. Sort of. Well, not really. But kind of!

Here's the thing. At our staff meeting this morning she rattled on and on about a project that is going on and it had nothing to do with the rest of the staff in the room. The subject could have been addressed in her regular meeting with our boss. Why she chose to waste time during this meeting I just don't know but she does it A LOT. I think she wasted 20 minutes today. Meanwhile, me and another co-worker were exchanging funny looks and we finally had to look away from each other lest we start falling out of our chairs in a fit of manic giggling.

I would have hated having to explain that to my boss.

I told her that I felt subjects that do not involve the rest of the staff wastes staff meeting time and the information could have been given to our boss at their regular meeting. It left the rest of us doodling in our notebooks and checking our watches. I finally had to speak up about it.

See those little nubbins? Those are my balls. You need a magnifying glass, but by golly they are there. And their all mine.

Let's see what happens with my co-worker. Something tells me she will do something to get back at me.

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So! After stewing about what I said this morning, my co-worker came to me, sat in the chair in front of me and started talking. Let me start this by saying that when she needs to convince someone that she is sick, or that she feels personally "injured" her voice drops real low, soft and rough. So that is how it started. With "the voice".

"First, I want to thank you for being mindful of the time I wasted talking about something that should have been a direct conversation. I try to be aware of those things so I appreciate you helping me. The reason I spoke about that topic during our staff meeting is because it was new information on Friday and I had not had a chance to speak with Harold (our boss) and I wanted to make sure that he had all of the information. I don't want to have to go into his office 10 times a day every time I have new information so I thought I would be bugging him less, whereas the other staff only talk to him a couple of times per week. But again, I want you to know that I am thankful that you are there to make sure I'm not wasting precious time that could be used for more productive purposes."

I just have one thing to say about that. Fuck off.
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My blog...it hurts

2009-01-30T12:27:00.001-06:00

If anyone has any ideas on how to re-vamp the look of my blog, I am open to suggestions. It's like having green shag carpet.

Linoleum? Tile? Wood flooring?

Options people. Options.

That nutty ghost

2009-01-30T08:38:00.002-06:00

I still have no idea what the hell is wrong with my blog. I hope to have some time this weekend to fix it.....on to today's post!!

Our little ghosty-poo was up to his old tricks again last night. There is nothing like sitting in the living room with your family watching TV and then the toys in the bedroom start making noise like someone is playing with them. It's even worse, when your sitting on the couch and you can see down the hallway and into Molly's room and can actually see the lights on the toy light up. Ferrreaky!

It's a good thing I don't scare easily. Meh. Okay, I almost had to change my panties. Don't be judging me. If you don't have a ghost then you have no idea how reliable your bladder would be in this situation. Come over if you want to test it out. I won't point and laugh at the wet spot. Promise!

I don't mind that I can feel the presence in our house or that I can usually tell which room it's in. It hangs out in Molly's room mostly which is why she hates sleeping in there. Of course I can only assume that. Little kids have a way of knowing these things. She doesn't like being in her room, let alone sleep in there. Which reminds me, we need a bigger bed because our Queen size bed is getting a little small for 2 fat lesbians, a 3 year old and 2 dogs. God forbid if Eugene has a nightmare and needs to crawl in bed too. I don't know how much our poor bed can take.

I've never felt afraid of whatever is in our house, just always aware of it. It makes my skin crawl sometimes but I don't worry about it hurting us. So we go on with life and after almost 6 years in this house the little bugger is still hanging out with us. I just hope I don't wake up again to find a pile of random shit neatly stacked on top of each other. That incident was a bit more tinkle inducing than I care for.

Until he comes a knocking again I have stocked up on clean panties.

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Oh my holy hell

2009-01-29T15:21:00.004-06:00

I told myself that I was not going to make any posts about my co-worker Amanda. I even went through my archives and deleted anything that was even remotely negative about her.

Why? Why?

Because I'm fucking stupid that's why. I was worried about hurting her feelings and I was worried that if she read some of the things I said about her that I would have trouble facing her and I would be completely embarrassed. I was being all whiny about not having the balls to say what I want to on MY blog.

Fuck that shit.

I'm about 2 seconds away from hurting her feelings and snapping her neck right after. If she isn't driving me insane with her wedding plans that I could care less about then she's being obnoxious with any one of a million clients on the phone and that is only the beginning!

She told my (our) assistant this morning that she was too defensive when she pointed out mistakes to her. I think being defensive with anything when it comes to Amanda is justified. She pointed out shit that was in my opinion totally stupid. And we all know that it's my opinion that counts. And only my opinion. I'm just saying. It's a given, but sometimes a reminder is needed.

This afternoon I was meeting with the accountant Kelly. When Kelly asked me a question Amanda answered before I could even draw in a breath to speak. Then when Kelly asked another question, she did it again. Even Kelly was annoyed. It's none of her business. Leave the accounting & bookkeeping to me sugar tits and you just keep on sniffing every one's ass.

Then she said "Oh I'm sorry, I should have let you answer. I think out loud and I should have kept my mouth shut." I ignored her. I should have responded. I'm such a pussy. I need to speak up, but my balls? They are missing. I've searched for them. I had them at one point. Brass ones. Big ones. Where did they go? I hear that they shrivel in cold water but they eventually return. I need to form a search party for them.

Missing: Kathy's Balls
Description: Big and brass
Last seen: Sometime in 2002
Reward: My undying love and devotion

What do you mean you could care less about my love and devotion? That hurts. Fucker.

Now? I want her to go the fuck away. I can't wait for the construction for our new office to be finished so she will be behind a door and out of my way and out of my business. I figure once she gets married and knocked up she'll resign and become a Stepford wife so I just have to hang in there for another year or so. Anyone know how to sabotage birth control?

I'm just saying.

Later Bitches.

.

Whaa?

2009-01-26T14:55:00.002-06:00

Something happened to my layout. It went berserk. I'm not sure I have the energy to even mess with it this week.

Ice storm rolled in. My boss doesn't think it's that bad and said everyone is overreacting. The governor declared a state of emergency for the entire state. But it's not that bad. *rolling eyes with much vigor*

I'm sure it will take me 3 hours to make my 20 minute drive home. Slick roads don't scare me, it's the 10 million idiots that get on the road the minute a droplet of moisture forms.

I will update soon. Promise.

Critters

2009-01-23T08:58:00.003-06:00

We all went to bed fairly early last night. Lin as usual was exhausted and was asleep shortly after 8:00 pm. I hate that her work is so physically draining. She's also having some back pain. I would be tired too if I were on my feet all day dealing with customers. Lucky for me I get to sit on my ass all day and the biggest risk to my health is paper cuts and carpal tunnel.

Molly & I crawled into bed because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama of putting her in her own bed and we were both asleep fairly quick. We all slept so sound. It was an awesome night. That is, until 4:30 this morning.

Depending on where everyone sleeps the dogs have their favorite place to sleep. Eugene keeps his door shut at night so they don't sleep with him. If Molly is in her own bed, 1 or both of the dogs are sleeping with her. If Molly, Lin and I are all in the same bed the dogs are with us too. Dobby sleeps under the covers, Claude sleeps on top. Weirdos.

At 4:30 am Claude rocketed off the bed and ran down the hall barking like a freaking lunatic. He barked like I have never heard him bark before. He ran out through the dog door, ran to the other end of the dog run and went completely berserk. It was such a guttural wild, hysterical bark that it was pretty frightening. It took us 10 minutes to get him to come back inside. I'm not sure where Dobby went, we were too worried about what the fuck Claude was freaking out about.

Because there is a history (story to be shared later) of possums present in our backyard, we can only assume that it was another one. Possibly looking for it's relative that dropped dead in our flower bed. It could also have been 1 of 2 cats that prowl around the neighborhood. The food and water are right next to the dog door and apparently at 4:30 this morning the temptation was too great and the critter was hungrier than it was scared.

At least I can say the big lug is a as good at guarding our house as he is at licking people to death. Not a bad character trait to have in a dog. The guarding...not the licking. After I got up this morning, I went outside to see if there was actually anything to see in the dog run. I didn't find any critters but I did find 5 empty Cheetos bags, 2 diapers, 3 balls, an empty coke bottle and a deck of cards.

I don't know what the hell kind of party goes on in that dog run when we're not home but I'm thinking an intervention might happen soon. I will be taking donations for Claude's rehab.

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Bitchy

2009-01-21T15:49:00.002-06:00

Just so you all know. I just threw everything off my desk and onto the floor and cried like a big baby.

I think that is the equivalent of throwing myself on the floor and kicking my feet.

My level of frustration and hate for my job and my boss is overwhelming. I've been sitting at my desk in tears trying with all my might to keep it together. All I want to do is walk the fuck out. If it weren't for that damn survival instinct and the instinct to provide for my children I would walk out. I sometimes envy people who can just up and quit and not worry about tomorrow.

I worry about tomorrow. I worry about next week, next month.

The urge to say "Fuck it" is very overwhelming.

Hanging on by a thread.

Ready to drop my basket.

Praying for relief.

Hopeless.

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Hate Mail

2009-01-21T08:52:00.005-06:00

Oh my gosh. I need to start off by saying THANK YOU because apparently I have more than 3 readers. I received hate mail from all of them but hello? More than 3 readers! I'm just so tickled. Thanks for stopping by assholes, there is more to come that is sure to piss you off. Come back and see me ya hear?

Lets address both of the morons who emailed me a nasty little note shall we?

Robert M. said "Your a fucking idiot. You shouldn't be complaning about your job. At least you have a fucking job. Shut up and be gratfull that you are able to feed your kids and keep your house!"

First of all Bob, can I call you Bob? No? Okay, I'll just call you dick face. I consider myself quite intelligent as I am able to distinguish the difference between the words "your" and you're. A skill that you are apparently lacking. I would also reconsider using your spell check because dude! Secondly, if I stop complaining just because there are so many other people in the world that are worse off than I am then all of that pressure would just build up in my system and eventually blow out of one of my orifices. I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant so I'm just going to have to let it out. I will not stop complaining because someone else has more to complain about. If every person in the world did not complain because someone else had it worse then the world would be free of complainers with the exception of that one last person who has it worse than than the entire population of the world. So if I want to complain because I'm not happy with my job then I'm going to do it and you can suck it.

Tiffany0875 said "God you are suck a bitch. At least you have a job. My boyfriend was laid off from his factory job and now we have to move in with his parents and his mother hates me. She doesn't work either but she expects ME to pay her rent. She's so selfish. So stop complaining, there are people out here with REAL prblems. Okay?"

Oh my. I almost don't have to say anything about this one do I? I'm wondering if the first sentence is a Freudian slip. Miss Tiffany. Shut your hole, close your legs, move back home with your mother and watch the news. Watch the news twice a day. I'm begging you for the sake of everyone who has to share oxygen with you.

I understand that there are people who are struggling just to put food on the table and I'm sorry that such struggles exist but I am not going to shut my mouth because I am in a better situation than others. Everything is relative. I hate my job. End of story. I want to do something with my life that I enjoy, something I will be proud of, something that will not suck the life out of me on a daily basis. If I give in to this life of ho-hum, I'm not going to be happy. I want the happy. I want the fulfillment. I want to have pride. So if that seems outrageous to you because I'm an ingrate well then you can just suck it too.

Now where did I put my tiara?

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Work time Blues

2009-01-20T12:21:00.005-06:00

I am a bit depressed today and I know it shouldn't be. We have a new President after all. It should be a day full of hopes for our future and happiness about the changes to come. Yeah, yeah I'm down with all of that.

This is a professional kind of depression. I have the work time blues. It's no secret that my job is pretty laid back. I do get time to write these here blog entries and there have been other (lots of) times when I have been guilty of goofing off during work hours. If you take away the laid back factor then I'm left with pushing paperwork around. I will never get a promotion, I will never get demoted. I have no where to go. Sure, I will get my yearly raise but it's standard and unless I fuck up royally it's pretty much a guaranteed raise. I have never not received one and in the many years I have been here I have only seen it happen once. It was an extreme circumstance.

My point is, I'm tired. I'm getting sick of pushing around papers knowing I am never going to do anything else. I'm good at what I do but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I feel like Chandler from Friends. I'm good at the W.E.N.U.S. but I don't want to be. There are people out there who are fulfilling their dreams. They are doing their own thing and they are happy about it.

I blame all of this on my girlfriend who mentioned that it is possible that a particular business that we both like might be sold due to the owners health issues. It's a successful business that has been in operation for 15 years. She made me start thinking about the possibilities of owning my own business. Something that I would have pride in, a place where all of my hard work isn't for nothing.

So now I sit at work all bitchy and whoa is me because I don't want to fucking be here anymore. I'm sure that tomorrow I will be better. Maybe. Whatever. I get like this every so often. I browse through the classified ads looking for another job and a few days later I get over it and get back to working hard at my job. It's a painful cycle that I wish I could just put an end to one way or another. I need to find happiness with what I am doing at my current job or take the steps necessary to open my own business and just shut the fuck up already.

Painful.

I need an intervention or something. Balls to just get out there and go for it, or balls to shut my mouth and push the paper around on my desk.

I guess this is sort of a public prayer. I just need some strength to go one direction or the other.

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On weddings

2009-01-16T08:42:00.003-06:00

My co-worker is engaged. She has been engaged since the day I met her. It was almost a year later before she got the ring to make it official. I listened to her whine about not getting the ring or the question during a special occasion and it was driving her nuts. In turn, she was driving me nuts. I wanted the guy to pop the question and give her the ring before I hunted him down and smacked him upside the head with a bag of "whine".

She's getting married in 4 months so now I am bombarded with dresses, jewelry, shoes and wedding details. I'm sick of it. I was sick of it before it even started. Her wedding shouldn't cause me this much stress.

Now? I found out that my boss just bought an engagement ring for his girlfriend. I don't know if I can live through two people in my office planning weddings.

I'm tired of looking at invitations and necklaces and dresses and bridesmaid gifts and color schemes. I don't care and I don't want to know.

I just need her to shut up.

Okay, whining over.

For now. *wink*

Conversations

2009-01-09T08:43:00.003-06:00

Actual conversation:

After Amanda's sister left....

Amanda: God, let me just tell you that I hate that my sister is so skinny. We had the same parents and she's this bean pole and I'm not. She has three kids and is still so skinny. She eats anything she wants, how much she wants and she constantly has candy around the house. She is always making deserts and she never has to exercise. I just hate it.

Me: Didn't you once tell me that she has stomach issues and spends a lot of time on the toilet because food goes right through her?

Amanda: Well yeah, but hell, if I thought having constant diarrhea would work I would start taking laxatives right now.

Me: Well, if you end up doing that, your going to have to use a different bathroom.

She gave me a dirty look like I was the one who was out of line.

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Anger

2009-01-08T15:55:00.003-06:00

I am an office manager for a non-profit. That's pretty much all I am going to say about who I work for, I would prefer that my job stays private because of this here blog. We are building a new facility. It's a huge facility but the administrative offices are pretty small. I was able to go inside and see the progress of the facility today and I left angry.

By the time we are able to move into the new space I will have worked for this company for almost 5 years. I am not a secretary and I'm not a receptionist. I am the office manager. What this means is that I am the entire human resources department, the entire payroll department, the entire accounting department, the entire A/P, A/R department, taker of minutes, scheduler of meetings, and a whole host of other responsilities that would take forever to list. I am a very busy person despite the fact that I joke around about being a bad employee. I do my job, and I'm very good at it.

That being said, when I saw how small my "area" of the new facility was I wanted to cry. I have a very small "receptionist" space and I have to share that space with my assistant, the copy machine, 3 printers, fax machine, postage machine, filing cabinets, etc.

That's not the only problem. There will be an empty office that I do not get to be in. I would think that after 5 years of hard work and loyalty that I have earned the right to have my own fucking office instead of the receptionist spot. I have repeated time after time that we need a full time receptionist so I can spend more time on the important things. I already have a part time assistant, it would not add an unreasonable amount to the budget to go ahead and hire someone full time.

I'm so angry and frustrated. I don't understand why my boss doesn't see me as a valuable asset that deserves her own office. The empty office will remain empty because we don't have it in our budget to hire a person for the position "reserved" for that space.

God damnit I'm so fucking pissed off. I have 6 months to figure out a way to convince my boss I deserve that office and to hire a full time receptionist.

DAMN IT ALL! FUCK FUCKITY FUCKING SHIT!

No, I don't fucking feel better after that.

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WTF is up with LGBT blogs?

2009-01-05T16:23:00.003-06:00

So the 2008 weblog awards are going on right now. I looked up the list for the best LGBT blog and do you know what I found?

They all pretty much suck and I don't know how they ended up being finalists.

There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Since when does every worthwhile blog have to be about politics, book reviews, protests, Prop 8, down with GW, etc...boring..etc...

When I think of LGBT, I think of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered. (Duh.)

I don't think of legislation, picketing, and all of that other crap. If I wanted to read a political blog, I would read one. Who picks who is worthy and who isn't?

Give me a gay or lesbian blog that talks about living in the real world, trials and tribulations, coming out to friends, family or work. Parenting, pregnancy, sex and daily life for an ordinary un-political gay person. Seriously, of all the gay people I know, there is 1 who lives their life by politics. The rest? They keep up when they can but they are busy living.

Don't get me wrong, if that is your cup of tea then have a little sugar, sugar but get real. I want to see blogs of substance. A substance other than the political views I have to scrape off the bottom of my shoe.

I guess I am just disappointed that the best LGBT blog will be a political one, rather than an actual LGBT blog.

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Christmas Update Part II

2009-01-05T09:12:00.001-06:00

Saturday Dec. 27th: An hour & 15 minute road trip for Jesse's grandmothers funeral. 6 of us packed into the van. Thankfully, no one had gas. We had lunch with the ENTIRE (20+)family before the funeral and I ate some really bad pizza. The funeral was short and sweet, but Jesse left her glasses in the van and I had to pin a rose pendant onto her grandmothers lapel. *shudder* (I see sawed back and forth between "Don't touch her" and "Breathe Kathy breathe!" After a short few minutes of crying and hugging and wiping our snotty noses we headed back home. We rested for less than an hour before we loaded up the kids again and met everyone for Chinese food. Now that was a fun evening. It was good food and good chatting, but the best part was making the reservation on the way home from the funeral. Jesse's family name is the same as a particular Asian name and when I gave the name for the reservation, the gentleman on the other end of the phone asked me if we were American or Asian. *blink* WTF does it matter? Will we get a different table if I say Asian? What if I say 10 of us are American and the other two are Korean would that have made a difference? I of course said "American."

Then everyone started laughing and asked if he really asked if we were Asian or American. I of course said "Yes." Then they all started laughing again.

You have to understand that 30 minutes earlier there was a great story about going to a restaurant and when they asked for a name to put down because there was a wait, he said "Jesus, party of 12." and everyone laughed their ass off. You just had to have been there. It was funny, trust me.

Sunday Dec. 27th: Jesse had to work, I was so sick of Christmas that Eugene and I packed up every stinking Christmas decoration in the house and put it in the attic. Ahhhh life back to normal. Oh..and I took a nap with Molly. Awesome!

It's now January 5th and I'm back to work *cough*. Busy at my desk. Working hard. Catching up. About to kick my co-workers ass. That's another story.

I'm full of stories with not enough time to share them all. Or finger stamina.

Later bitches.

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Christmas Update Part I

2009-01-02T09:04:00.001-06:00

Holy Shit! I knew it had been a while since I blogged, but I didn't realize it had been this long. My sincere apologies to my 3 readers.

Where does one start when you've had a non-stop period of drama?

Let's put this in some kind of understandable order.

Monday, Dec. 22nd: Jesse's grandmother's blood pressure dropped and she became unresponsive. This was my first day of vacation. I got the living room cleaned and took a nap with Molly. Jesse's mom went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a torn Miniscus & will require surgery.

Tuesday, Dec. 23rd: Jesse's grandmother has shown no improvement, they are keeping her as comfortable as possible. I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap with Molly.

Wednesday, Dec. 24th: At 5:30 a.m. Jesse wakes me up to tell me her grandmother passed away. I jump out of bed to try to help her gather her things and go to the nursing home. 15 minutes later after I finally woke up and realized what was going on I made a cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table and cried like a baby. Then I watched a re-run of Beverly Hills 90210. After that I made eleventy billion chocolate covered pretzels before either of the kids woke up. Later, the pretzels would be a big hit. I also took another nap with Molly.

We usually have a Christmas Eve celebration at Jesse's mom's house. We have light finger foods, visit and exchange gifts. We had to have it at our house because there was no heat at Jesse's mom's house. CRAP. Do you know what kind of mad dash I did to clean the house. I was like the Tasmanian Devil with a dust buster in hand. Eugene got to play Santa and handed out gifts and it was a pretty fun night.

I received a very cute pendant with the letter K in it and a giant road map book (which I requested). The kids of course scored like they do every year and they hadn't even opened our gifts to them or "Santa's" gifts yet. The only down side was the fact that we bought both Jesse's mom and her sister a DVD and I addressed both of them to her sister. That's what happens when I'm left to be in charge of the wrapping. Why Jesse left the wrapping to the former JW who has very little experience in the wrapping category I have no clue. When I finally ~~kicked everyone out~~ got everyone out of the house I was relieved, except for the fact that Jesse's mom had to stay the night because of the no heat at her house issue.

Thursday Dec. 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches! We had a lovely Christmas morning with Jesse's mom. Eugene got everything on his list except 2 items (more on that later) and Molly was just giddy with all of her new stuff. I can't tell you how hard it was to stuff a Hilshire Farms sausage log into a stocking along with a can of easy cheese. The boy loves it! Santa left a box a crackers for him. (I can have a white trash moment as long as it is a brief moment)

After all the opening of the presents we started making breakfast. Biscuits & Gravy, scrambled eggs and Blue & Gold sausage. I had a big cup of coffee and I was happier than a puppy with 2 peckers! (Okay, 2 white trash moments). Then Eugene said the following: "I am very happy with everything that I got but I was a little disappointed that I didn't get one of the things on my list." Of course, I asked what that one thing was and he said "Iron Man on DVD." It was at that moment that both Jesse and I snapped our necks and looked at each and said at the same: "Shit! Where is it?" I didn't see that DVD when I got the rest of the DVD's out of the secret hiding place. I thought Jesse was gonna beat me down right at that moment. I swear to the little Christmas Elves that I did not see it. It's not my fault. I was overwhelmed with all of the wrapping and funeral planning and doctor appointments and house cleaning. What the hell, give me a damn break! Jesus H. Christ. So Eugene got a bonus gift it seems.

2 hours later we had to be on the road to Jesse's aunts house for Christmas Day lunch/dinner (lunner? linner? dlunner?) where Molly & Eugene got to open MORE gifts. I would to offically say that when I find the person who invented the tiny little plastic Barbie high heels I am going to punch him in the face. Those things hurt when you step on them and not even a little bit. When we finally got home I was exhausted.

I think I officially ate my weight in food during my Christmas vacation and I'm still not full.

Friday Dec 26th: What day is it? I watched TV and took a nap with Molly. I think that is really all I got accomplished that day. Jesse's brother flew in from California and they all gathered at Jesse's mom's house and I stayed home because I NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK!

To be continued......

I lied

2008-12-30T08:46:00.003-06:00

I forgot that I have tomorrow & Thursday off which means I have a ton of deadlines today. I won't be able to finish my holiday post.

Sorry.

Forgive me?

I'll love you forever and be your best friend.

More coming soon. PROMISE!

Ack

2008-12-29T17:00:00.001-06:00

I'm working on a post holiday post. Heh.

My fat pants are tight if that gives you an indication of how much I ate.

Muah! See you tomorrow bitches.

No worries....

2008-12-19T08:47:00.002-06:00

...this will not turn into a baking blog. I just wanted to share my little baking adventure. Eugene and I had a blast making them and they were a huge hit with the kids at his school.

Speaking of school. He goes to a private Christian School (I know there is a joke somewhere in there about 2 lesbians raising a kid that goes to a Christian school) and last night they had their Christmas play. Eugene played the part of the Mayor of a town and he cut the grand opening ribbon for a business called Christmas Tree City. They sell Christmas trees if you didn't catch that part. The whole play was about how this business was giving away the Christmas Trees to get the story of Jesus out to the world. Don't ask. I don't know.

What I do know, is when you text your niece during the play, the time goes by a lot faster. We did however come to the conclusion that attending the play was my punishment for saying God Damnit all of the time. And because I was texting in Church I was going to hell, but since she was texting me back Meg is going to hell with me.

Do you think there is a special place in hell for people who text in church? There must be a really special place for me considering the Pastor of the church was sitting next to me. I'm sure he had lovely things to say about me later.

That's probably the reason I had dreams of fire and brimstone last night. A premonition of sorts.

Next week I'm on vacation, I will try to post a few times but I'm sure Lin has a list a mile long of things for me to do while I'm home.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'm going to stock up on ice, I have a feeling I'll need it later.

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Cake Balls Part 2

2008-12-18T09:37:00.012-06:00

OH HOLY HELL!

I was up so late last night trying to finish my balls. I had no idea it would take so long to put reindeer antlers on chocolate balls, or that the white chocolate took so long to cool off and get hard on my balls. (HAHA, I said "hard on") *snicker* *giggle* *snort* AHEM!

I started off with the Christmas Trees and I really had fun with them and I think they turned out fabulous!!! Here are a couple of pictures of the Christmas Trees...

After the trees I moved on to the snowmen, the first several turned out really well. My balls were really nice and smooth and the chocolate dried on them very quick so there wasn't any drooping at all. Then things went wrong, I'm not sure if the white chocolate was too hot or what but the chocolate started clumping and then it didn't want to stick to my balls so only about half of the snowman balls were asthetically pleasing to the eye. The rest were just shrivled up pathetic looking balls. Painting little faces on snowman balls isn't as easy as one would think. I'm not happy with they way they turned out and I doubt I will make them again. Here are a few pictures.

On to the reindeer. These were so fun. The chocolate was smooth but my balls were not. Somewhere in the initial cooling process my balls got a little wonky so some of the reindeer balls look a little deformed. These by far were the most fun. Although I need to come up with a better plan for the eyes, some of them looked like they had been sneaking a little nip of Santa's happy juice. Drunken reindeer balls they were. Here are a few pictures.

All in all it was a lot of fun especially if you leave out the part where I hit my knee on the cabinet and my back, legs and feet were hurting so bad that I wanted to cry. Next time I will figure out a way to sit down through the entire process.

This project was more about a trial run for Christmas Eve than anything else so my final analysis is this: I will do the Christmas trees again as the reindeer but for Christmas Eve I think I will just make plain old balls dipped in chocolate because DAMN that was a LOT of work.

Also, I dipped pretzels in the leftover melted chocolate. Yummy!

So, happy cake balls to all and to all a Happy Thursday.

Cake Balls Part I & an Update

2008-12-17T08:28:00.005-06:00

Good news! The plumber only had to replace the thermal coupler thingy and not the whole hot water heater. And yes, thingy is an official word. In my world at least. So instead of having to pay several hundred dollars on a new one plus labor. It cost a whole $100.

Gigantic sigh of relief.

On to the balls (Please save all of the 12 yr old boy giggles for the end or you may never get through this post).

Baking the cake was a breeze. Just mix it up and pour it into the pan and bake. Molly likes to say "I want to pop the eggs", but then she freaks out and says "No Mommy, you pop the eggs". Yes, she is adorable but thank you for saying so.

Then I had to wait until the cake was cool before the next step so to pass the time I made spaghetti for dinner and washed dishes. In my little Fibromyalgia world, if I sit down, I'm done. So I had to stay on my feet for several hours which always makes for a rough night of sleeping and a sore body the next day.

After the cake was completely cool, I crumbled it up using 2 forks. This took longer than I had anticipated. It's soft cake, how long could it possibly take? *sigh* The next step was to add a container of cream cheese frosting and mix it all up. That was kind of fun, the cake was this huge glob like mass. Awesome!

I put a layer of wax paper on a baking sheet, then I started scooping up cake and forming it into balls. My balls were not the same size. Some were large, some were small and some were misshapen. Talk about odd balls. I had to get out a measuring spoon so I could measure my balls. What I was looking for was a nice consistent quarter size, perfectly round ball. Not too big because then my balls would sag. They needed to be nice and firm because it will be hard to finish them if I had squishy balls.

About every 5th ball that I rolled I had to wash my hands because my balls kept sticking. I don't think I'm very fond of sticky balls. So what I thought would be a fairly quick process turned into a fairly long process because if I'm nothing else I am a ball perfectionist. My balls have to perfect. No second rate balls for me, no sir! I had 51 balls and then a mini-ball. Lin grabbed one of my balls and it broke in half so I added it to the mini-ball to make a full size ball.

So once all of my balls were perfect and round I shaped 20 of them into cones for Christmas Tree shaped cake balls. We'll see how that turns out. I'm not real hopeful at this point. I may just have to stick with the balls and not stray from the true intention of the recipe.

I covered my balls up real tight in plastic wrap and tossed my balls into the refrigerator. My balls will be nice and cold tonight when I get them out and decorate them. I am so looking forward to dipping my balls into melted chocolate. I love chocolate.

So that was my adventure last night, I will be sure to let you know how the decorating goes and I hope to post some pictures of my balls tomorrow.

Happy Hump Day

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Hot water heaters can suck it

2008-12-16T09:50:00.003-06:00

You can probably tell by the title of my post that we are having issues with our hot water heater. That issue being that the FUCKER STOPPED WORKING LAST NIGHT! We can get it lit, it won't stay lit. We try to light it, it goes out. Rinse, lather, repeat.

The plumber will be checking it out later. I have a feeling we have a new hot water heater in our future. Especially since the tag on the heater says 1994. I'm guessing it heated up it's last bubble bath for Molly last night.

We so did not need this right now. I'm thinking about taking my Christmas gift back to the store to help with the purchase of a new hot water heater, and then maybe selling a kidney. We were pretty careful with our Christmas shopping this year, but we could have spent about $200 less than we did had we known that our hot water heater would die. Of old age apparently, without being noticed. *bangs head on the wall*

So today will be real interesting. Oh, and also, the heat in the office works real good now. I came in this morning to an 80 degree office. It's just now cooling off after taking a hammer to the thermostat and opening the front door.

My landlord LOVES me.

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Cold tittays & other details

2008-12-15T16:23:00.003-06:00

It's 16 degrees with a windchill of -1. GOOD TIMES! I just love it when my nipples feel like they're going to fall off. For future reference, do not go to work for a company that has a north facing office because you will spend a better part of the winter trying to keep your toes from turning blue and constantly strategically covering your chest area with a folder so no one will notice your rock hard nipples sticking out as far as the eye can see. And the eyes can see. Trust me, there have been enough dirty old men (and a few dirty women, but I'm not complaining about them) in and out of this office to know that their eyes see.

Did I mention that it's cold?

I work for a non-profit and we have 3 locations and an admin office. 2 of our locations will be closing on January 2nd. We will be firing 2 full time staff, 5 part time staff and 1 contract employee. This sucks on so many levels that I can't even express the magnitude of the suckage. In addition to this black cloud, it's possible that the company I work for will no longer pay for 100% of my health insurance premium and I will have to pay for 50%. Although this isn't a deal breaker, I am already paying 100% of my kids health insurance premium. It will cost me an additional $170 per paycheck for insurance. FUCK!

Staff parties, client parties, school parties, dentist appointments....I think I might just drop my basket over the stress. The holidays have never been this stressful for me. At least I have finished shopping. Small relief in my world.

The heat wasn't working in the office for a better part of the day, now? Now I am sweating bullets and my deodorant has failed me. Nothing like going home from a cushy desk job all stinky like I just got through digging a ditch. Awesome.

Lin is sick again. I'm so over the sickness in our house. Thinking about setting off a Lysol bomb and running like hell.

And Molly. God love my little girl. When you ask her what her name is, she says:

*Molly Smith Princess

How Cute is that?

*No, it's not her real name. Thank you and goodnight.

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My Fugly Tree

2008-12-10T13:56:00.011-06:00

I had a mini Christmas tree gathering dust at home.

No Christmas tree at work

*Light Bulb*

Decorate a Christmas tree for the office!

Fantastic idea! NOT

This is the reason why I let Eugene decorate our tree at home. I suck at it.

I may have to take it home and let him re-do it for me.

I so suck at this Christmas thing.

Feliz Navisuckyasschristmastree! NOEL!

Thanksgiving Post...it's about time

2008-12-09T08:54:00.003-06:00

I know, I know. Thanksgiving was almost 2 weeks and I'm just now getting to it.

Thanksgiving in a nutshell:

Get up
Take shower
Gets kids up
Feed kids light breakfast
Check on Turkey (Lin is already at the aunts house cooking everything else)
Get call to go ahead on go out to aunts and help because Grandma won't wake up and they are going to the nursing home.
Rush around to finish getting ready
Drive like a bat out of hell to aunts house to find out that they really don't need my help
Get call from Lin, grandma is fine, she was just REALLY tired. She is on her way back to aunts house
Turkey was juicy and yummy
Rolls were light and fluffy
Gravy was to die for
Dessert sucked ass
Stayed longer than I wanted to waiting for other relatives to show up
Ditched Lin and went home without her
Crawled into bed
Turkey coma

The end.

Cake balls

2008-12-01T16:49:00.002-06:00

I will post about Thanksgiving soon, but in the mean time...

I will be making Cake Pops (or cake balls..whatever you want to call them)f or Christmas and I need decorating ideas!!!

Don't know what Cake Pops are? Go here

Then leave me a comment with your ideas!

Gone fishing

2008-11-28T08:18:00.000-06:00

Not really. I'm on a holiday break. As soon as I roll into the office on Monday post turkey coma I will fill you in on the food, the folk and the festivities.

Have a fantastic Black Friday! May your feet be quick so you can beat that bitch to the perfect pair of shoes, may your patience be grand because you know they will be training a new cashier when you try to check out and may your bank account not completely empty it's bowels in order to provide your loved ones with the latest in gadgetry, jewelry and fashion.

Smooches!

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A turkey gave it's life for you.....

2008-11-27T07:15:00.000-06:00

.... so eat that sucker until you're full!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

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2008-11-26T09:41:00.002-06:00

Guess who was in a big damn hurry to get our company Christmas cards printed and sent out?

Guess who didn't bring a proof back to the office for me to proofread?

Guess how many of those cards were stuffed in an envelope, addressed, sealed, stamped and ready to go to the post office?

Guess how many cards we had left?

Guess how many typos there were?

Let me sum it all up. My boss wanted to get Christmas cards out early this year because we have a history of getting them out the week of Christmas and it ends up being a very stressful event. So my boss took the graphic we were using and the mock up of the rest of the card that co-worker created and dropped it off at the printer. I'm not sure who approved the final piece for printing but a proof was never brought to our office for me to proofread.

So today, after co-worker and assistant stuffed all the cards into envelopes, put address labels on them, sealed them and stamped them with only 1 single card left to put in our archives, I decided to give the card a once-over.

Can you believe there was a typo? I know. SHOCKING! How do you not catch a big honkin` typo on a card with a minimal amount of information on it?

Holy BaJesus! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one here with a brain cell to spare.

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So there was this thing....

2008-11-25T08:33:00.004-06:00

For the first time I faced a homophobe. A true homophobe. I could not believe the hatred this person could write. I was appalled and stunned and I cried for an entire afternoon over this. For one, this person said and I am quoting here:

"There are some people who were born with a greater tendency to be homosexual. It covers a wide range - some more of a tendency, some less. Everyone can overcome their tendency. But once you sanction the behavior as normal (i.e. allow them to marry) then many borderline homosexuals will cross over into that world. Imagine a teenage boy who has had a few frustrating experiences with girls. He may now be susceptible to forging an intimate relationship with a warm and caring man. Many, in our dysfunctional society, are simply blocked in expressing normal love relationships with the opposite sex. That just means that they are chosen to perfect that part of the Torah, by overcoming their inclinations."

Believe it or not, this was the least offensive thing she wrote.

My first reaction was to rip her a new one, but I suppose I needed to set a good example and be a reasonable, articulate homosexual rather than a belligerent angry dyke.

First of all, the word "tendency" is not a word I am a fan of when it is in reference to a reason for being gay. You tend to like men or you tend to like women. In my world there is no "ish" in tend. And for her to suggest that you can "overcome" is as ignorant as saying a black person can overcome the color of their skin, or that a person born with Downs Syndrome can overcome their handicap. We are all born the way we are for a reason. God chose me to be the way I am, the way you are, the way she is and the way he is. There is nothing to overcome, there is only a way to live and I chose to live the life I was born to live. Unfortunately that means because she is a total homophobic bible thumping idiot, she is entitled to not have to overcome that as well.

Secondly, there is no such thing as a borderline homosexual. Especially when in reference to someone who has had bad experiences with the opposite sex to the point where they switch sides. It's absurd to think that allowing gays to get married would make a straight person be susceptible to being pushed over the "gay" edge by a broken heart. Seriously, did she have her Mormon head stuck in the ass of Joseph Smith himself?

I have been thinking about the things this person said for two weeks. I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, cursing about it, poking needles in a voodoo doll and praying so that I may have the patience to deal with her and those who share her opinions. I'm not a stand out kind of gal. I go with the flow and try not to rock the boat but after this experience I may need a ladder to get off my high horse.

I didn't change the way she felt, I didn't expect to. I hope that I at least gave her an intelligent articulate view of things from someone who just happens to be a lesbian. I know that some people put the fact they are gay on their sleeve. It's who they are, it's how they live, it's the impressions that they leave. For me? Being a lesbian is a small part of who I am. I'm Kathy, I'm a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a lover of music, an artist, a human.

After you go through the list of the things I am, at the bottom is a single word. Lesbian. It defines a small part of who I am and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing on the list of things I am that I care to overcome.

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The gift of childbirth that keeps on giving

2008-11-10T16:00:00.003-06:00

I sneezed and pissed my pants.

Once you give birth your girl bits just are not the same.

This is the same reason why I chose not to play on the moon bounce at a birthday party yesterday. The last time I got on anything bouncy. I pissed my pants.

Now I know why panty liners were really invented. Not so much for your light days but for women who have birthed babies and can no longer keep their urine inside their bladder at will.

Kegel who?

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The truth about sex & depression

2008-11-10T08:49:00.000-06:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and talk about something very personal. Sex. I'm typically shy about this subject not only in doing it but talking about it. I'm trying to break through my shell. There are various reasons behind why I blush at the mere mention of sex and why I must have the light off and the covers yanked up to my chin. Let's just say my early experiences with sex have shaped who I am today and I'm trying to outgrow that shape.

For the last 2 years. Shit. Who am I kidding? For the last 3 to 4 years the sexual relationship between my girlfriend and I has been, well, practically non-existent. God love her for being so patient and understanding, I'm very lucky. Between trying to get pregnant and being worried about having sex while waiting to find out if we were pregnant and then getting pregnant and afraid to have sex because of previous miscarriages - our sex life went down hill. Fast. Like a speeding bullet. BAM! No nookie.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, then my father passed away and I became the poster child for postpartum depression. Between shredded nipples/pumping/dreading returning to work/a funeral and home life in general, I was a complete mess. Enough of a mess that people asked Lin on several occasions if I was okay. I was not okay, but I insisted that I was. Who wants to admit that they have lost control of their emotions. Of their life?

Not only did I start smoking again, but I starting taking anti-depressants. Right away I noticed a difference. I was able to cope with life a little bit better, I didn't obsessively check to make sure the baby was breathing 30 times before I was able to go to bed and when I did go to bed, I could finally sleep. I no longer handed the baby to Lin the minute she got home and then ran from the room because I had to get away from that baby. Oh, and wash my hair. I could finally wash my hair. I don't know why that task was so difficult, but it was overwhelming.

The down side to the medication is that it killed my vagina. I may as well have cut the thing off as much use as it was to me. I had no feeling "down there" whatsoever. Not even a hint of a tingle at anytime. Not no way, not no how. I couldn't even give myself an orgasm. THAT is how dead my vagina was. So when there is no sex, not even a hint of sex between 2 people that love each other very much, you start to grow distant. When the distance gets large enough, the kissing stops, the hugging stops, the cute emails, the telephone calls, the snuggling in bed and even the ability to just be cordial to each other. I started to grow resentful of having a partner that was no longer my lover. We were roommates who were co-parenting and it sucked. I went off my medication and that went about as well as a fart in a diving helmet. It stunk really bad and I thought I would never get through it.

I emailed Lin and asked one simple question: Did I function better when I was on meds? The answer was yes and as much as I didn't want to be a slave to medication, I knew I had to start taking them again. Ironically, the thought of going back on anti-depressant medication was depressing.

Then I quit smoking. That is a horror all it's own as well as another story for another time. My mental health grew stronger as my libido grew weaker. There was just no sexual desire at all. AT ALL. I can't understand why Lin stayed, other than we were a family and we were going stick together and get through it. I'm glad she toughed it out. The "baby" is now 2-1/2 and even though we have our bad days we love each other very much and want to be together. Frequent sex or not. Although Lin definitely leans to "frequent" side of the equation.

Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. I think if more people talked about it and would admit to it, there wouldn't be such a stigma. Yes, there is a big chance that medication will kill your libido but I would rather have the medication kill my libido than for depression to kill me.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Do something and do it now.

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Oops she did it again

2008-11-07T08:31:00.001-06:00

DAMN!

Okay, it's no secret that I have difficulties with my co-worker. One of the big things is the fact that she has rarely washed a dirty dish in this office. I have repeatedly washed dishes for her when it was CLEARLY her turn to do them. Sometimes I will wait and wait for her to do them and then I end up having to soak the damn things overnight so they will come clean. I think she is very lazy and I hate the fact that she assumes I will do them and lets them pile up.

So I took a stand. A silent stand, but a stand nonetheless. I washed every dirty dish in the office, dried them, put them away and washed the counters. Our little kitchen was spotless. From that moment on when I used a dish, I washed it immediately, dried it and put it away. I was hoping that she would notice that all of the dishes that started piling up were the ones that she had dirtied. All of them were hers. Since there are only 4 of us in this office it's easy to figure out who uses the dishes. Our boss never uses the dishes and my assistant only uses an occasional utensil.

I guess besides being lazy and presumptuous she is also slow on uptake because she so did not get it. The pile got larger and larger. I continued to wash just my dirty dishes and she continued to dirty up almost every single cup/fork/plate in the office. I continued complaining to Lin and to everyone else who would listen, but I stood my ground. Even when she was out sick for 3 days and I did a massive cleaning to the office, I did not wash her dishes. Let me just tell you right now how exhausting not doing the dishes has been. I could not stand to walk by them. I would avoid going in there so I wouldn't have to look at them. I hated it, but I stayed strong.

I summoned up a tiny bit of courage and while I was warming up my leftovers I said in an actual out loud voice "Boy, these dishes sure are piling up!" There was no response from her whatsoever. She didn't even look up from her keyboard. The whole time I'm thinking "You heard me, I know you heard me, play dead all you want sister!" I cannot believe she didn't even acknowledge what I just said! The nerve!

I let it go, I was just going to continue playing this game. I was not going to give up, not after all this time. I went back to my desk and got busy trying to ignore the situation. 2 hours later when she decided she needed to make a cup of tea she got up and went to the kitchen and said "Oh, I thought you were going to do the dishes?"

Right after my head spun around and popped off all I could think of to say was "Nope". You don't have to, I rolled my own eyes for you. "Nope"? That's all? I am so quick witted. Really. She didn't say anything in return and I just sat there and stewed on my "Nope" for another 45 minutes before I finally said (to myself of course) "Fuck this shit!"

"Hey, the reason I didn't do the dishes is because none of them are mine. I have been washing my dishes as I use them."

"Oh, so are all of those dishes mine?"

"That would be correct."

"Okay, I'll do them."

WHAT? That's it? So very anticlimactic.

3 days later and she still hasn't washed the dishes.

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Granola theif

2008-11-06T08:05:00.001-06:00

So I recently started a diet. I know what your thinking, your thinking that you don't want to follow one more blog about weight loss. I'm not going to bombard you with emotional cries of an overweight unhappy woman who just needs a break and then get a bunch of sympathy because there are so many women out there who know what I'm going through and please hold my hand and by golly I will get through this. Gag me. I'm fat because I eat too much food in general and too much of the wrong thing. I don't intend to be one of those blogs but something happened today that I just need to share.

I measured out a half cup of granola cereal to eat with my lemon yogurt. It's one of my favorite things to eat while dieting. I brought it to work yesterday but didn't get a chance to eat it so I saved it for today. I grabbed my yogurt and then opened the cabinet and could not find my granola. It was gone. I asked my co-worker if she had seen it because she straightened up the cabinets yesterday. She said she didn't see it.

I cannot get this woman to wash a dish or wipe the counters but she rearranged the cabinets. I had all of my stuff segregated from her stuff and my stuff was very happy about this. Today there is stuff in my cabinet that doesn't belong. Why? Why? Why?

I honestly think she threw it away. I don't know why, maybe she thought it was hers but I think she was afraid to fess up. Coward.

Who the fuck takes a 1/2 cup of granola cereal? A strangers cereal, because if it wasn't my co-worker then it had to be the janitor and it wouldn't be the first time that food has mysteriously gone missing. So now I'm pissed off that I'm having to eat naked yogurt.

Thieves. Gah!

..and then it was done.

2008-11-05T08:22:00.003-06:00

I have a couple of things to say.

First things first.

BOOYAH!

Haha. Shout out to my man Obama! Way to go dude!

I went to bed shortly after 9:00 pm and by then the race was all but won, it would have taken an extreme hail Mary for McCain to pull it off at that point.

I woke up this morning and while I was in the bathroom Lin yelled through the door that McCain made a come back and won. I was bewildered. All I could say in my sleepy state was the standard 8 year old reply of "Nuh uh!"

Then of course I couldn't pee fast enough so I could run to the TV and find out just what the hell happened after 9:00 pm last night! Because Jesus Christ THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

Yeah, she was pulling my leg. She's been doing that a lot lately. Poking me with a stick to get a rise out of me. She should be careful, I might bite.

While we were cooking dinner last night she made the comment that I was not as politically active and she was. I just looked at Eugene who had that "ruh roh raggy" look on his face and I said "Okay". Then she kept poking me with that damn stick and told her there was no freaking way she is more politically active than I am and I started ranting and she, of course, started laughing. She got me. I'm a big dork.

Yesterday was a really good day until Molly ran down the hall to her room, tripped over air or something and received a nice goose egg on her forehead. Then Eugene was taking a bowl of leftovers out to the dumpster to empty and he tossed it up in the air and it landed on his nose. We have a blood stain on our driveway that could rival some murder scenes. Not kidding. His nose is nice and swollen today.

Unfortunately, my kids inherited my klutziness. I pat them on the head daily, turn my head to the side and whisper "You are a big dorky klutz, get use to it."

Then Lin poked me with a stick.

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The inevitable

2008-11-04T08:30:00.001-06:00

I will wear a white shirt on the day I bring leftover spaghetti for lunch. And of course, I will miss my mouth. Not once, but twice. It is inevitable.

I will enter the office bathroom immediately after someone has dropped a stink bomb. It is inevitable.

Someone will walk into my office the minute I shove a huge bite of food in my mouth. It is inevitable.

I will let out a huge burp the minute my boss walks through the door. It is inevitable.

I will answer the phone and say "ABC Company, this is David", because I was looking at David's name while I was answering the phone. Bonus...it was David on the phone. It is inevitable.

When I decide to wait until a commercial comes on TV to change Molly's dirty diaper, she decides to stick both hands down her pants. It is inevitable.

One of my dogs will poop on the floor a mere 10 seconds after I praise him for being "such a good wittle boy for going potty outside!" It is inevitable.

And finally, the most inevitable thing in my life currently is:

I finally found some balls of my own and mention to co-worker that her dishes are piling up and .......she completely ignores me. It is most certainly was inevitable.

Leave a comment....what is inevitable in your life?

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Speaking of emails and colons

2008-11-03T08:31:00.006-06:00

I'm so getting in trouble for posting this, but I changed the identity so this person will remain anonymous.

This was an actual email conversation.

Jennifer: Hiya!!

Me: Hi! I have cramps. Love, Kathy

Jennifer: Ugh! I'm sorry. I'm constipated. Love, Jennifer

Me: You know, they make stuff for that. You seem to have an ongoing problem. Eugene started taking a Metamucil tablet every day and now...no problems. He no longer spends 45 minutes on the toilet trying to go. WHOOSH!

Jennifer: I'm going to get a colon cleanser this weekend and start taking something like that every day.

Me: Please tell me they don't put a picture of that on the bottle.

Jennifer: I don't think they put of a picture of that on the bottle.

Me: I hope not, imagine if your man-friend came over and snooped through your cabinet and found a bottle with a picture of an evacuated colon on it. Sexy!

Jennifer: Hahaha! Yeah, that will get me laid!

Me: Of course, on the other hand. He may think you did it for him. Ahahahaha *cough*

Jennifer: Bwahahahahahahaha! You're killing me here!!!

Me: You know I'm totally going to blog about this.

Jennifer: Ugh, ok.

So, thank you very much Jennifer for giving me material for my blog. SMOOCHES!

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I'm blind

2008-10-31T15:09:00.002-05:00

I can't even begin to describe how hard it was not to stare at my boss just now. Not to mention how hard it was to stifle the laughter that is expanding and bubbling and churning in your gut with 100 lbs of pressure behind it. Think of it as a backward fart. Only you giggle. Okay, you probably giggle when you fart too, but I think you get what I'm driving at.

My boss was wearing a gold chain with a quarter dangling from it. That's not all. He had an extra button on his shirt open. He was trying to pimp it yo.

I must go home and giggle my ass off lest the pressure will build up and my butt will explode.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

P.S. Halloween pictures will be posted next week. The cuteness will kill you.

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In 3....2....1

2008-10-30T08:44:00.003-05:00

I'm not a morning person. SURPRISE! When I wake up I usually languish in bed for another 5 to 10 minutes before I even sit up and I end up sitting on the edge of the bed scratching my head for another 5 minutes before my feet hit the floor.

I can muster up a couple of grunts before I hit the shower but that is pretty much all you're going to get from me. I usually don't even fully wake up until I've been at work for half an hour and have a cup of coffee in me. Don't even think about talking to me until at least 9:00 a.m. unless you like having your head ripped off and shoved up your no-no hole. Yes of course my boss loves me, why do you ask?

Eugene is the same way. Molly however, is not.

Getting up with Molly is like being shot out of a cannon. She was sound asleep one minute, rolled around for 10 seconds, popped up like a jack-in-the-box and said "C'mon mommy, let's get out of here!", and with that she jumped off the bed and took off. I had no choice but to follow. It happened so quick I think my brain went into spasms and turned into a gelatinous goo that leaked out of my nose.

There should be a law against moving so fast in the morning. It was a whirlwind of sippy cups, Noggin and coffee. Thankfully I managed to get juice in her cup and coffee in mine. That one could have been a disaster. Molly doesn't need extra get up and go in her cup. Her get up and go works extremely well.

Mine however is so very broken. And welded. Then rusted over.

To top off my morning, co-worker returned to work today. It was all going so well. Now to find my iPod so I can tune her out.

Cheers!

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Ahh, blah, blech, eww

2008-10-29T15:35:00.004-05:00

I hate it when my period sneaks up on me. Not only did I not get any cramps, or bloating, or cramps (did I mention cramps? because there were NONE) but it came a whole 5 days early. I am so stinkin` lucky! Like I said it snuck up on me and I've had to wear my shawl around my waist all day. Some days I just LOVE being a girl.

I was fine one minute and then all of the sudden... EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!

Did I mention that I'm wearing my brand new slacks? Never been worn before today? Karma, you there? I get it, now get off my back and out of my underwear. You bitch.

Luckily the PMS did not pass me by. But I think you figured that one out for yourself.

___________________________

I have been extraordinarily busy. My favorite (haha) co-worker has been at home sick for 2 days and I am so amazed by the amount of actual work I have managed to get done in her absence. I'm very proud of myself, and for some reason (CLUE? hello?) it dawned on me that while she is here SHE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME and I can't get anything done. I hope she stays home again tomorrow. Maybe I'll make a good showing right before my yearly review. How awesome am I?

___________________________

Tomorrow night the nursing home is hosting a Halloween Party. I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome hanging out with the elderly and taking their candy while the smell of urine and Pine Sol linger in the air.

Friday night is Trick or Treat time for the kiddos and I'm looking forward to seeing Molly's face while she is running around like a heathen asking weirdos for candy. Then I can't wait to raid her stash because I am an awesome mom and I'm just trying to save her teeth. Yeah, that's it. Her teeth. Saving.

Saturday is ROAD TRIP time! Were going to a friends house over 2 hours away in the country for a bon fire. Cuddling up around a giant fire roasting marshmallows is just the mini-vacation I need. It will be a busy weekend but I am so ready for it.

Hell, maybe I'll get lucky and co-worker will be gone on Friday as well.

A girl can dream right?

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Co-workers bug me..but what's new?

2008-10-28T08:10:00.001-05:00

During our weekly staff meeting yesterday I told our 2 facility directors no less than 3 times that the eleventy billion boxes full of candy/books/tchotchke's/program materials/etc... needed to leave my office TODAY. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow and most importantly not next week. TODAY.

And if your car isn't big enough, we can load up my van I will deliver them to you later after your staff arrives. No less than 3 times. Still? One of our directors loaded up my van with half of the boxes, closed the back of my van and left without telling anyone. I cannot express to you just how much in a bunch my panties got. Yes I said got. My least favorite word. Suck it.

He left half of the boxes here. The other director promised me that he would send one of his staff back to the office with the facility van and pick up the boxes. It's Tuesday morning and I'm still holding my breath. And turning blue mind you. I just don't understand why people cannot follow simple instructions. I just don't understand.

I'm not sure that I will be able to hold back my anger and my contempt for irresponsible and inept employees. I am the administrative manager over the entire company, I'm basically second in command. If I want you and tell you to get the boxes out of my dinky, running out of room, so not a storage facility office then I fucking mean it. I'm not pulling your leg and I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe something came up. The one dude just left. So guess what? I'm giving the boxes he left to the other director.

Shithead.

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V-8 Moment

2008-10-27T15:21:00.002-05:00

This sign sums up my ranting post about my Obama sign being stolen. I totally should have thought of this. This is awesome!!!

Tragedy

2008-10-24T12:17:00.003-05:00

This is probably the most horrible thing I have ever had to write. It's still hard to think about it without getting goose pimples and teary eyed. I never thought that such a horrific thing would ever happen to me. It has rocked me to my core and I will never be the same.

I am forever changed by this event. There is no going back, I have lost my innocence. Life is no longer carefree and full of rainbows and butterflies. It's a dark, hazy world now. There is no joy to be had.

Everything is tainted. *

It all started yesterday. When I left home it was like every other day. I took Molly to daycare, then dropped Eugene off at school, picked up a donut for breakfast and drove to the office. I arrived at approximately 8:00 am just like I always do. I sat down at my desk, turned on my computer and checked my email while enjoying my coffee and a cream filled donut (glazed, not chocolate).

Everything was normal. I had no reason to think that something was going to go horribly wrong. It was business as usual. I know I could not have predicted it and there was nothing that I could have done different but it will haunt me until the day I die.

After checking my email and responding to those that needed immediate attention I excused myself to go to the ladies room. The restrooms in our office building are locked. You have to have a key to get in. Safe and secure. Right? I had no reason to think otherwise.

What happened next.....(deep breath, relax) was off the charts. There is no way a person could imagine anything more horrible. I put my key into the lock, turned it and opened the door. I flipped the light switch on (because it's hard to find the toilet in the dark) and locked the door from the inside. I was locked in, everyone else was locked out. I opened the stall door and the blood rushed from my face. I felt faint.

There it was....

Right in front of me....

The toilet paper was installed so that it dangled underneath instead of rolling over the top.

I know, I know. The horror.

I'll just let you take a minute and absorb that. (No pun intended)

---------------------------------------------------

Have you dried your eyes? Are you okay? Alright. Now comes the hard part. I have a picture. If your squeamish you may want to stop reading right now and close your browser because this is not pretty. It will haunt you and you may never get the image out of your head and I will not pay for your counseling. I just won't do it. You've been warned.

For those who want to view the offending photo please scroll down. Otherwise, please leave now.

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Do you see it?? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I regret doing this to you. Really. (ha ha, ho ho, he he, snort)

*I said "taint"ed.

Okay, I've had my 13 year old boy moment. You may resume your day.

Un-inspirational blogger

2008-10-23T12:54:00.004-05:00

A while back I followed a blogger. I won't give out her information as she is still an active blogger with a large following and I'm just not up to people accusing me of attacking her, even if they are right.

She and I have the same medical condition which is why I started following her. That, and the fact that she is a lesbian and was trying to get pregnant at the same time that I was. We also both suffered a miscarriage right around the same time. Our worlds seems to have been revolving around each other.

At first, I could totally relate to everything she was going through. From the physically draining medical condition to the frustration of not being able to get pregnant on the first or the millionth try. I could sympathize with almost everything. She was my voice. Someone KNEW exactly what I was going through.

As time went on and I kept reading her blog I noticed that each post was a carry over from the previous one. The same complaints, the same angry and frustrated ramblings. Every single post. Eventually we both got pregnant and we both had healthy babies. I continued to follow her blog faithfully. But her complaints continued. Every day. Every post. The same thing. Complain, whine, bitching and moaning about the exact same things.

She wasn't just a broken record, she was a broken record that was super glued to the turntable with a direct wire into an electric outlet. It never fucking stopped. I can't believe this woman didn't just pack it all in, take a flying leap and end it all. She made me want to open a vein.

So one day I decided I had enough. I just couldn't read one more depressing entry about how horrible her body feels, her guilt about not being the perfect mother, her frustrations with her partner, how overwhelmed life is, problems with her step-child, the unhealthy way she hung onto the pregnancy she lost, even her post titles reflected her daily self-deprecation. "Denial", "Depression", "Anger". I stopped reading her blog. I had to.

It had been well over a year since I read her blog. Long enough that it took me 3 days to remember the title of her blog. I thought I would just hop over there and see what was going on in her life and not surprisingly it is the same old shit. Only now it's complaining about having to return to work, toddler woes, more depression, etc...etc..., just shoot me in the head now. How can one person continually be so negative about EVERYTHING? It has to be exhausting to complain so much.

I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her partner. I feel sorry for her readers. I don't understand how she has kept so many followers. Get some counseling or something but STOP IT! The lady can do some serious bubble busting. She even said in one of her posts that she was a pathetic blogger.

Unfortunately I couldn't agree more.

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You try to poop with grown man outside your window

2008-10-22T11:18:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to work late, but the janitorial service showed up just as I was headed to the bathroom to drop my contents. I decided that I would rather stink up my own bathroom than to hear Tashiqua tell her home girl "Oh no she di'unt! Why girl goan stink up da bafroom like dat? Das nasty!" Like she's a delicate flower who doesn't poop.

I decided to go ahead and go home so I could poop in the peace and quiet of my own bathroom at the far end of the house, with the door shut. Without worry that someone would follow 5 minutes later and possibly acknowledge loudly to the world that I had just pooped. The levels of mortification would push me over the edge.

Drive, curse, flip other driver the finger, drive, park, run to the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhh, relief is soon upon me.

(mumble mumble)

What the hell?

(mumble mumble)

Who is that? It sounded like there were men having a conversation right outside the bathroom window. That can't be true, the dog run is right outside the bathroom window. It must be someone in the neighbors yard.

(mumble mumble)

Just relax, don't pay any attention to (mumble mumble, hahahaha).

Damn. Damn it. Damn.

Close your eyes and block out the (mumble mumble)

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, I can do this. Ignore the voices.

(mumble mumble)

What the? That sounds like... NO! It can't be!! I strained to listen. (mumble mumble)

OH MY GOD!! It was my son! He was on the phone!!! He sounded like a grown man!! With a deep voice and OH MY GOD when did his voice drop that low? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY????

I hate age 15, it turned him into this...this..little man type person with a grown up voice and I don't like it ONE DAMN BIT!

Suffice it to say, I abandoned poopville to go tell Lin what happen. I give her way too many things to laugh at me about. She snickered. More than snickered, she bellowed. Bitch. How I love her so, even though she laughs and makes fun of me.

At least we will have stories to tell the grandchildren.

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My girl

2008-10-21T16:37:00.002-05:00

I thought I would share one of my favorite pictures of Molly.

Several people have emailed me asking why I named her Molly. Molly isn't her real name. Her name is not very common and her great grandma has called her Molly since before she was born, so for the purposes of this blog, her name is Molly.

But I no have

2008-10-16T13:52:00.003-05:00

Molly and I have settled into a nightly routine that I hope will last a couple more (10) years. I will put her in pajamas, we go into the bedroom and I will put on my pajamas while she crawls into bed and then we read a couple of books before going to sleep.

I am enjoying this alone time with her more than I thought I would. We snuggle up and talk about the book were reading and she identifies the pictures and she gives me hugs and kisses and tells me that she loves me. Who wouldn't love that kind of attention from an aloof 2 year old? Lin is clearly her favorite, but at bedtime she asks for me. Being the favorite if only for a little while makes all of the crap from the day melt away. And as my friend Monty the redneck would say "That makes me happier than a puppy with two peckers." I'm not sure what that means except really freakin' happy.

Last night after I put on my silk night shirt she touched it and said "Ooohhhh soft". I said "Yes, it's very soft" and she reached out to rub the shirt, and patted my left tata instead. Then she said "Boobies. Mommy's boobies."

Then she lifted up her shirt, looked at her chest then looked at my chest and said "But I no have boobies!"

She was very upset about it. I can't believe body image issues start this early. I'm in so much trouble in about 10 years. Or less.

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Suicide

2008-10-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

Ways in which I have thought about taking myself out of this world:

Hanging: If it was good enough for mom.....

Overdose: I have enough medication in my home to kill a herd.

Intentional car wreck: I am too afraid that I would kill someone innocent.

Cutting my wrists: I'm a big chicken...I've sliced my finger open.. bad... that shit hurts.

Gun: I have a gun in my house, I could never use it. My g/f would never forgive herself for having it and I would be too afraid one of my children would find me.

Drowning: Swimming out to the middle of a lake and treading water until I was too exhausted to swim back....even though I'm terrified of drowning.

Jumping: I love heights but I'm afraid of heights. I know that doesn't make sense.

Suffocation: Movie: The life of David Gale.

Carbon Monoxide: This is the most alluring...you just have to fall asleep.

Ways in which I have imagined myself dying:

Terrible car crash in which I am burned to death. I know. My mind is a total freak.

Aneurysm. Quick pain and then it's lights out.

Gang banger busting into my office and poppin' a cap in my ass. I don't know what to say, I work in a shady part of town. My imagination runs wild.

Disgruntled employee. See above. *sigh* I know.

Home invasion. Ack! It happens and it scares me. I just keep praying that if it happens, I'm home alone. This also explains my obsession with locking our doors at all times during the day.

Heart attack. It's hereditary and it scares me. Obviously not enough to curb my appetite for steak and fried chicken.

Cancer. I've known a few people with cancer. It's a horrible way to die and I figure with my luck, this is the way I will go. I just hope it isn't stomach cancer because it's bad enough that I have IBS. I can't imagine anything more painful.

Airplane dropping out of the sky: I know this is a huge long shot. But it happens! And what a coincidence that my house is directly below the flight path to the airport.

Obscure medical condition: Blame it in my House obsession. I just love that show.

Car accident near a body of water: Because you know I would totally hit the water and my seat belt would get stuck and I wouldn't be able to get of the car. I am lucky like that.

Regardless of what you think of this post, I'm really not suicidal. I have a preoccupation with death and dying. I am convinced that regardless of how I die, I know it will be traumatic and dramatic. I fear it even though I think about it often. Call it an obsession rather than preoccupation. Either way, it's always on my mind.

The great puppy caper

2008-10-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

As I said previously we rescued a puppy. I use to word "rescue" loosely. So loose even Paris Hilton's vagina is jealous. Okay so we stole him. Don't be judging the puppy stealer's, it's not our fault. If dumbass people didn't buy puppies from a puppy mill, get them home and realize that they are a lot of work, you know because they need to eat, drink, poop, pee and breathe and then chain them up in their front yard for a week straight in the Oklahoma heat when they have a perfectly large, fenced in backyard with a ton of shade AND a doghouse then their puppies would not get ~~stolen~~ rescued! So save your judgemental tendencies for Sarah Palin, because she deserves it.

Okay, this is how it happened. Lin drives by a particular house on her way home every day. And for a week this poor little dog was chained up in the front yard. No shade. It was hot. Really, really hot. Did I mention that he was chained up? Because he was CHAINED UP. With chains! Every day she drove by this house and every day that poor dog was there. Just lying there all pathetic and needing someone who would love him in an air conditioned environment and get him a haircut because we won't be having any long-haired doggy hippies at our house. She actually thought he was dead at one point.

She finally told me about it so I said "Well, I guess were going to have to go ~~steal~~ rescue a dog tonight. After dark. With gloves on and discussing whether or not we need to put tape over the dome light and which one of us is driving and which one of us might possibly get bitten while trying to free this dog. Dog-napping takes planning y'all.

So we waited. After it got dark we took off into the night. We circled the block 3 times to make sure no one was watching and that the owners of the dog were indeed STILL not home. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was so nervous and so afraid of getting caught, or shot. It would be difficult to explain away a gunshot wound. Especially to my boss and my mom.

We parked about a half a block away. I figured the less time I'm seen running down the street with a dog the better. I opened the door, put on my gloves and ran! The dog started barking at me but I put my fear aside, reached down and started to pet him and he rolled over and showed me his belly. This was a good sign that he wasn't going to chew my hand off. I grabbed his collar and tried to free him from the chain only I couldn't get the clasp open. After what seemed like forever and I'm sure it was probably only a few seconds, I flung my gloves off and opened the clasp. I grabbed my gloves, scooped the dog into my arms and ran like my ass was on fire.

I jumped into the car and we took off. The dog apparently had never had anyone pet him because his tail was wagging so fast it created a gust of wind. He was so excited. After we drove down the street a little I turned on the dome light and discovered that yes indeed the dog was male (I knew this because he had testicles.) What surprised me was that he was a puppy. We had assumed that it was a full grown dog, but his poochy little belly gave him away.

So that is how Claude joined our little, albeit expanding family.

We took him to the vet to get his shots and to get his nuts chopped off and the veterinarian said he was about 5 months old. Poor puppy. I am still so mad at the people who chained him up. He has turned out to be the sweetest little boy. He's still very hyper especially when we first get home or when strangers come over but he's slowly learning how to behave and the house training is going well. He rarely has accidents in the house.

We are convinced we made the right decision and we would do it over again. He needed us and I'm convinced now more than ever that we needed him.

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So I bought another.....

2008-10-10T08:26:00.000-05:00

Let me just start by saying that I'm not big on politics. I try to do my part by keeping up with issues and weighing both sides in an effort to make informed decisions. I don't preach to anyone about my ideals and beliefs and I won't listen to others who try to preach to me. I don't judge others for how they feel or how they choose to vote. It's none of my business.

This election has me more stirred up than any other election. I think it's the thought of Sarah Palin being in a position that might make her the leader of our country, and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. Initially I was so happy to learn that a woman would be running for VP because it meant that this election will be a great one in the history books. We will either have a black man in the oval office or a woman as the President's right hand. I was absolutely thrilled. The only thing that would make this election better is if Obama were a black gay woman. Now THAT would change history in great proportions. Of course, like many people, after getting a glimpse of the kind of person she is and the kind of politics Palin stands for I'm extremely fearful of her being in ANY type of leadership role let alone the position of VP. This woman is scary. Okay, my feelings on Palin could be an entire blog post on it's own. Moving on.

This election I decided to get a little more involved. Maybe involved is too strong of a word, I should probably say I decided to show my colors this time around. I went out and purchased a yard sign. A simple yard sign that said "Obama/Biden". Nothing fancy, just a sign to show my support. Everywhere you look people have political signs adorning their yards or car bumpers, making their political affiliation public knowledge. When I asked Lin if she was okay with a yard sign, she expressed concern about our house getting egged or being vandalized. Although I felt she had legitimate concerns, it really never crossed my mind that something along those lines would ever happen. We were go for a yard sign. A yard sign that I paid $5.00 for. A sign that I purchased during my lunch break instead of getting something to eat. A sign that would be displayed proudly on my gay front lawn.

I had to pick my son up from school after I purchased the sign, so when I dropped him off at home I installed my Obama sign. I put it about 10 feet from the street and about 2 feet from the driveway. It wasn't so close to the street that someone driving by could grab it but close enough that it would be noticed by anyone who passed by. As I drove away I was very proud of that sign. I was showing my support and my neighbors and those who drove down my street would know exactly who I will be voting for this year. It was my first political yard sign. I felt so grown up, so satisfied with the political party I had chosen to support, so happy to know that my opinion, my vote will make a difference. If nothing else, my vote cancels out some McCain lovin' Republicans vote. Satisfaction baby. I has it.

I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. It's Friday after all, my co-worker has the day off and it's OU/Texas weekend. Those of you who know me, understand without a doubt what a treat it is for me that my co-worker is not here today. The word "Joy" comes to mind. We have no plans this weekend to speak of with the exception of Eugene, who will be attending a youth rally at church tomorrow. I want to lounge around the house in my sweatpants with my hair up in a ponytail, color with my daughter and work crossword puzzles with my lovely girlfriend. Ahh yes, it was a good mood indeed. The mood did not last long.

I was violated. I feel betrayed, preyed upon and victimized.

Some douche-nozzle stole my Obama yard sign. Not only did they steal my sign, but every Democratic yard sign on not only my block but several blocks. The only signs left were in support of various Republican candidates. It's not hard to figure out what type of person did the thieving. Some idiot Republican who thinks stealing yard signs is going help their political party. I have some news for you Palin pushin' asshats. You have done nothing but ensure that I will do everything possible to make sure that not only will I vote for Obama and every single person on the Democratic ticket but I will also make sure to tell everyone I know that all of the Obama yard signs in my neighborhood were stolen by a dickhead, obviously morally challenged Republican. (It's not like you've never heard of a morally challenged Republican....it shouldn't come as a surprise.)

Then, I will go purchase another Obama yard sign which in turn will bring more money to the Democratic party which will only help get Obama's message to more people, resulting in more votes which creates a path right to the White House. So, you flea-bitten scumbag sign stealer, your efforts are all in vain and your thievery has backfired. How do you like me now?

I'm sure some Republican out there is going to say that us Democrats swiped our own signs in order to blame it on the Republicans and make them look bad. That's like saying I gave myself a bad haircut to make it seem like a have a shitty hairdresser.

Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense.

Neither does voting for McCain & Palin.

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Putting my foot down. Sort of.

2008-10-09T10:41:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm wrong, or selfish, or both. BUT, I don't think it's fair to make an appointment with a co-worker to go over a specific project and then said co-worker takes a 2 hour and 15 minute lunch and then has to go run a legitimate errand that delays things another hour.

I moved on to another project that I put off expecting her to be here. I started on that project and was in the middle of it when she showed up wanting to get started.

Is it fair that I have to stop what I'm doing to accomodate her? No, I don't think it is. And I won't stand for it! Well, I won't stand for it AFTER TODAY. Yeah, after today. Because we really need to get this project done. So, only for today will I put up with it, but by golly after today I am putting my foot down. Hard. Well, not too hard, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be rude. But I will be firm. But kind! It's always a good thing to be kind.

*sigh*

I'm a pussy aren't I?

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Working with a ......

2008-10-02T11:08:00.000-05:00

I have a real hard time feeling any type of sympathy for my co-worker. She complained to me today that she received ONLY $600 of her child support this month.

(Blank stare, internal cursing & feet stomping)

ONLY $600???? Wow.

I know that everything is relative and there is a reason she gets what she does, but Holy child support Batman! She went on and on about having to reel things in because her ex couldn't pay the full amount and it put her in a bind and blah blah blah, cry me a fucking river.

I get $174 a month. That is all. The child support I get every month does not even cover my sons monthly braces payment let alone his 4 different medications or any other cost.

I was so jealous of her my head almost popped off.

Jealous. Gah. Whine. Pout.

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Here kitty, kitty, kitty

2008-09-26T09:06:00.000-05:00

This shit only happens to me. I'm convinced of that. I must have been pure evil in my former life to deserve this.

When leaving work the other day I put my car in reverse and started backing out of the parking lot. I thought I heard someone yell "Help, help!" So I turned down my radio and I heard it again. Only it's wasn't "Help, help!" it was "meow, meow!". I listened harder. "Meow, meow!"

No. fucking. way.

There was a cat inside the engine of my car. I put the car in drive, pulled back into the parking space, turned the engine off, popped the hood and started examining the engine.

I could hear it, but I couldn't see it. I kept thinking "Great, there's probably half a cat splattered all over the inside of my engine. "Meow!" At least it's the bottom half.

It was raining. I didn't have an umbrella*. I was not amused. I called Lin.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how do you get a cat out of an engine?"

"WHAT?"

"Cat. Engine. Need it out. Need it out now."

"How the fuck did you get a cat caught in your engine?"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I heard it when I was leaving work and it's in my engine and it's meowing really loud and I can't see it and it's meowing and it's raining and it's meowing and I want it out!"

Then it poked it's little head out for 2.5 seconds and I realize that it's not a cat, it's an itty bitty kitten type imitation of a full grown cat.

"Shit!! It's a kitten, it's a little baby kitten. Damn kitten! Get the hell out!"

"Calm down, I can't come help you right now, can I send Danny over to help?"

"No, I'll go see if my boss can help. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

I called up to my office and told Amanda what was going on and asked her to ask our boss for help. Amanda came down the stairs 5 minutes later. Did I mention that it's raining? I have no umbrella and I'm soaking wet and it's raining? With all of the rain?

She came to my rescue with a can of tuna. That kitten was so tiny, I felt so sorry for him. Every time we tried to reach for him he jumped back into my engine. Little fucker. I finally made a bold grab for him preparing myself for the possibility that he could bite me or claw my face off and I would have to take him and have his head cut off and tested for rabies. Not that I overreact to these type of situations or anything, and not that I get into these type of situations a lot or anything. Ahem.

So I wrapped the kitten up in a towel and drove him home where my dogs flipped out completely. We weren't going to keep it regardless but it was funny watching the dogs go berserk.

Kitty went to the pound. Poor kitty.

* After it was said and done, there was an umbrella in the back of my car the whole time. Stupid kitty.

Lazy to the max and a crappy diagram

2008-09-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

I have to get this off my chest. I try not to bad mouth my co-workers but sometimes they make it too easy. Okay, that is not true. I love to bad mouth my co-workers, but only the ones who give me reason to. It just so happens that unfortunately for them sometimes those reasons are minuscule and totally depend on if they pissed me off that day. And if I've had coffee.

My office has 3 rooms. All 3 rooms make up a rectangle. The main entrance is in front of my desk. My office is connected to the conference room which is connected to my boss's office. There is a partition behind my desk and my co-workers desk is on the other side. The kitchenette is also on the other side of the partition as well. Here...I drew a diagram.

(so sorry about the diagram...um...I'm stupid. Just note that the office on the far left is my boss's office and the little square on the bottom right hand side is my co-workers area.)

(Just click on the image for a better view)

This is what happened:

She is sitting at her desk, my boss is sitting at his desk. They are about 30 feet apart, if not less.

She called him on his cell phone so she wouldn't have to get up off her lazy ass and walk to his office.

I wonder what he thought of that and never in my life have I ever wanted to be able to read minds more than I did at that moment.

Tales of working with a.....

2008-09-17T11:57:00.000-05:00

Me: "Amanda, there is a gentleman on the phone who is doing a paper about non-profit funding and grant writing. Should he talk to you or to Mike?"

Amanda: "Well, since nobody should have to take this call, I guess I will be the one to sacrafice and talk to him."

Me: "Don't do that."

Amanda: "Don't do what?"

Me: "Play the martyr, you don't do it well."

Amanda: "Hmmpff!"

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The Great State Fair

2008-09-16T08:25:00.000-05:00

We didn't go last year. I'm not sure why, but at the time I'm sure I had a good reason. I just won't remember that reason for another 2 years. Short term memory problems are good like that.

Our biggest goal was for Molly to be able to ride the rides because she is fearless and we knew it would be huge fun for her. Who knew that even in the "Lil Pardner" section you still had to be 36" to ride. Some of the ride operators wouldn't let her on, but then we got wise and carried her to each ride so they wouldn't see exactly how not 36" she was. It worked. I have lots of pictures. They're still on the camera but at least I took them and I'm sure in 3 or 4 weeks I'll download them to the laptop. Until then you can use your imagination. Here, I will help.

Picture a 2 year-old girl, not yet 36" tall, screaming her head off because she doesn't yet know the concept of "wait your turn". She has chocolate on her shirt, her hair is wild and she is the one yelling "WANT TO RIDE NOW!" Once she gets on the ride she grins from ear to ear and then throws a huge fit in front of everyone because "I WANT TO RIDE AGAIN!" and then we repeat the whole "wait your turn" non concept getting.

And there you have it. Except, add sunburns to everyone because we had no idea we were outside long enough to get a sunburn because we only go to the fair to buy the jams, jellies, salsas and trinkets that we don't need. Oh and can I just say that Made in Oklahoma Honey ROCKS! AND if you ever get a chance to buy this salsa then you better because it is so good I can eat a bottle in one day.

Okay, we also go to people watch. There isn't anything funnier than watching a bunch of rednecks dress up in their best Metallica t-shirt, get drunk and ride the rides until they puke. Everybody has their personal favorites. This one is mine. Judge me if you will. I also get to pass judgement when I see the line in front of the Deep Fried Twinkies booth is a mile long. And that line is full of fat people. *Fat people who are probably a deep fried twinkie away from a coronary event.

Molly finally gave out and slept in her wagon while we perused the buildings in search for the perfect jar of (insert anything Made in Oklahoma here) that we just had to have. I think we ended up with 5 different jars of stuff. We sampled the honey last night with our KFC biscuits and I can't wait to open up the rest. You just can't beat biscuits and honey. Mmmmm mmmmm. I don't sound like a redneck at all do I? DO I?

The only thing that puzzles me EVERY STINKING YEAR at the fair is women/girls who wear hooker heels to the fair. Why? I want to yank their heels off and beat the stupid girls in the head with them. Your feet will pay the price. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but they will get their revenge and I will laugh at you for having to wear orthopedic shoes by the time you are 30. Neener.

*please remember that it is okay for fat people to make fun of other fat people. It's not? Damn, I really must be a bitch. Heh. Nevermind then.

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So this blonde walks into a bar

2008-09-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

OK, I don't know if she was blonde, and she didn't walk into a bar. She called me at work and it went a little something like this.

*ring*

Me: "XYZ Company, this is Kathy."

Her: "Hi Kathy, my name is Gina, I am with blah blah company. Do you work there?"

Me: "No ma'am, I just answer the phones for fun."

*Crickets*

Me: "Have a nice day"

*click*

It's the little moments in life that make me smile and keep me away from padded rooms.

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Cheap!

2008-09-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

For Sale:

15 year old boy
Good dish washer
Vacuums like nobody's business
$100 - That is a good bargain
Takes up very little room
Does not come with off switch (still working on the patent)
Comes complete with attitude (adjustment knob is broken...sorry)
PRICE REDUCTION! $75!! Get him before it's too late!
Free 2 week supply of ravioli with purchase
Must purchase as is - no refunds
But that's not all! Buy now and we will throw in a 1 month supply of ADHD medication, AND 3 tranquilizers to numb your senses when your first month is up! WHAT A DEAL!!
PRICE REDUCED! $50 ACT NOW!
You don't want to miss out on this wonderful opportunity.
Free target to put on the back of his head when you need to smack some sense into him
Great diaper changer for those of you with babies and a great babysitter for the older kiddos
During this special offer, if you buy now we will slash the price to just $25!
Call now before it's too late!
Dance card needs to be upgraded because "rhythm-less white boy" is no longer compatible with current operating system.
If you call in the next 10 minutes we will include a muzzle, a geek speak translation book, and a free subscription to "My son is giving me ulcers can I tape his mouth shut?" Weekly.
For a limited time we are reducing the price yet again, get your teenage boy for just $5.00!!!
Call now! As a free gift we will include a guide to "Eye rolling and shrugging, how to beat it out of them."
And for a limited time we will remove the "I don't know" part of his speech!
You just can't beat this deal.
Okay...I'll pay you. $5.00?
$50?
Please take him.
I'm begging you.
I need the relief.
He knows how to mop, and clean toilets.
Give him a video game and you won't hear a peep from him for days. Just throw a couple of crackers at him a couple of time a day.

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It's all about the details

2008-09-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

Lin, Molly and & I all came down with strep throat. Unfortunately for Molly we didn't find out we all had it until she had been sick with it for 4 days. You can wrap up my mother of the year award now, I'll take it to go.

Listerine + raging sore throat = a not so good idea. I had to pull Lin off of the ceiling and cram ice down her throat. How she figured that was a smart thing to do, I will never know. In the big scheme of things I'm sure she wishes that was a life lesson she didn't have to learn.

Lets talk herpes. Not vajayjay herpes, but the fever blister kind of herpes. I developed this tiny little blister on my bottom lip and I was extremely pro-active in the care of said blister. I put medication on it, but it continued to grow. I called my doc and asked her to please call in a prescription for me before the thing swallowed my face. I picked up the script and I proceeded to slather my lip in the thick, creamy, white balm. Then I waited. Then my lip exploded. Am so not kidding. Remember the scene in the movie The Nutty Professor where Eddie Murphy's lip popped out? That was mild compared to what happened to my lip. The next morning it was even worse. I cried. Then I cried some more. I called my boss and I cried. I called my doctors office, she wasn't in, so I cried. I called the pediatrician who told me to go to an urgent care clinic, then I cried. I called the urgent care clinic and they told me they were only taking babies for well check-ups, then I cried. Then I called Lin and I cried while she told me to go to the emergency room. I caved. I didn't want the expense of an emergency room visit but it seemed I had no choice.

This visit went relatively quick, I guess there aren't a lot of sick people at 8:30 on a Friday morning. Lucky me. Evidently I had an allergic reaction to the medication which in turn caused my lip to swell the fuck up and take my face hostage. Insert prescription for steroids, a 2 hour nap and a half a day later and I could finally see my eyes again.

I decided to give the fever blister a nick-name. I called it "thehugefuckingthingthatatemyface". It was more fitting than something like "Sugar Tits".

After having to use a straw for days on end I woke up one morning in my usual sleepy fog, made a cup of coffee, took a drink of that cup of coffee and then yanked the scab of that fever blister right off. As soon as I regained consciousness and cleaned up the blood I looked at the piece of flesh hanging from my Valentine heart coffee mug and I was so sure that half of my lip was missing. I ran to the mirror expecting to see some sort of freakish Freddy Kruger lip only to find that a small gouge was missing. Just a little divot, but that little divot hung on tight and hurt like a mother fucker.

Oh and when your sick, laying around your house and cursing like a sailor, make sure that your 2-year old daughter didn't hijack your cell phone and is having a conversation with your boss.

Amen.

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No more sick leave for me

2008-09-02T16:12:00.001-05:00

Strep throat suuuuuckkssss. Details to come...

Also....

Why you shouldn't gargle Listerine whilst having a raging case of sore throat....

Fever blisters and what happens to them when you have an allergic reaction to medication....

Nick names for fever blisters that have their own zip code...

How to use and abuse your 15 year old while you are sick...

Why having 3 people in the family come down with strep throat at the same time is NOT a good idea....

Things you let your toddler get away with when you have strep throat...

and finally....

How much it hurts ripping the scab off a fever blister with a hot cup of coffee...

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As the job turns

2008-08-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

I took an online quiz to see which jobs suited me the best. These are my results:

Novelist - It would take way more writing ability that I currently possess for this one to even be in the far reaches of my skills.

Photographer - Don't you have to have a camera for that?

Vet - More education than I have. AND the yipping/yapping/barking/smell of it all.

Medical Technician - More tolerance for people than I have.

Paralegal - Yawn.

Geologist - I find this interesting because I use to work for a geologist and he was a prick. However, I don't have a degree in geology.

Marine Biologist - Again, this would take more education than I have and there is not a whole lot of marine life in Oklahoma. I'm just saying.

Graphic Designer - Another ironic job title. I use to work for a graphic designer. It's a hard business to get in to and even harder to be successful and there's the whole lack of graphic arts degree thing that's hanging out there.

Online Content Developer - Um, what?

Webmaster - I do this already. I built a website for a local restaurant and I maintain it. Go me. I don't get paid for it. Unless you count free food. Then I totally get paid and my ass could totally retire now. Seriously.

Computer Security - Huh?

Producer - Of what? Tell me, producer of what? Canned corn? Movies? Porn? Tomatoes?

Computer Programmer - Okay, now you're pissing me off.

Technical Writer - !

Systems Analyst - !! You hate me don't you?

Meteorologist - Like I could compete with Gary England. Pfft. Also...under-educated I is.

Artist - I would totally be on board with this. I already have my art hanging in the den and if I had more time I could produce more art. I seriously doubt that this position offers major medical. Bummer. This one would fit me more than the others.

Back to square 1.

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Mid-life work crisis

2008-08-19T13:01:00.001-05:00

I know that I should feel lucky and grateful that I have a steady job. I work for a non-profit that has a lot of public support and will never shut its doors. I'm thankful. Really. I am. I don't have to worry about being laid off, my kids have medical insurance and I have a paycheck.

So why am I so miserable that I want to find a new job?

I am the reason Lithium was invented. Seriously.

Why is it so hard to leave corporate America? I'm not qualified to do anything other than run an office. I'm good at it, but I am growing to hate every single minute of it. I'm growing to hate my co-workers and I'm growing to hate my boss even more than I did before. I feel like an ass for that because the man has cancer but I can't help how I feel.

I want to be a park ranger, a painter, motivational speaker (who am I kidding!) or a lingerie model (shut up). I have dreams people and it doesn't involve receiving paper cuts on a daily basis. I want to be irresponsible. I want to yell "I quit", walk out the door and never return. But I can't. I have bills to pay and children to keep healthy and fed. Why does this have to be so hard?

So, I'm praying that I will find the path that will make me happy. Praying, hoping and wishing.

Maybe I should get off my butt and actually do some work to find this miracle happy making job. :) I guess it's not going to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head. Damnit.

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Ghosts of lunches past

2008-08-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

It's funny how as days go by and you get busy with life that you forget certain details of your life. As as I was sitting at a traffic light today I glanced to the car next to me. I noticed that it was a taxi, and then I noticed the gentleman driving the taxi. He smiled at me and slowly nodded his head. I smiled back. He looked so familiar to me and it took about another hour for me to remember who he was.

A few months ago after running errands I needed to eat and decided on McDonald's since it happened to be on my way. There was a lot of traffic and I didn't realize that I had pulled into the drive-thru in front of someone who had been waiting. This person pulled in behind me and honked. I finally figured out what the problem was and I felt horrible. He pulled in beside me to let me know what I had done and I apologized to him profusely and motioned for him to go ahead of me. A minute later he honked at me and motioned for me to go ahead of him, so I did.

When I got up to the window and paid for my lunch and I told the cashier that I wanted to pay for the lunch of the gentleman behind me. He said "Really? Why?" I explained that I had accidentally jumped in line ahead of him and I wanted to make up for it. His response? "Seriously? Why would you pay for his lunch?" 3 times he asked before he finally took my money. $3.47 for his lunch. A small price to pay to ease my guilt.

About 10 blocks later sitting at another stop light I heard a honk. I looked over and saw the man roll down his window, so I rolled down mine. He said in a thick accent "Ma'am, you did not have to do that." "I know sir, but I felt bad and I wanted to make it up to you." He smiled and thanked me and the light turned green. He changed lanes and followed behind me for a few blocks, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him smile as he drove away.

A small price to pay to make someone smile.

Adventures in house training

2008-08-15T14:10:00.000-05:00

We kind of sort of rescued a puppy a couple weeks ago and by rescue I mean "stole". Heh. I'll have to fill you in on that later, until the coast is clear. Ahem.

We fell in love with this puppy immediately. He's quite a character. He likes to jump, run, chew on everything and knock Molly down to watch her cry. Molly is missing a lot of crayons and I think maybe it's not a coincidence. Oh the look on his face says "I didn't do it mommy I swear", but it's hard to believe him with crayon wrapper stuck to his face.

To say that house training is not going that great is like telling the last Cheeto in the bag that it's safe from Britney. I try to watch him like a hawk but when your trying to make dinner and wrangle a 2 year old, it's just not that easy. In the evenings we put him in the den with the gate up while Eugene is in there destroying precious brain cells playing XBox and he has never peed in there (the dog..not Eugene..although sometimes I wonder). The dog door is in the den and it opens up into a fairly large brick dog run, so the dog door and the hard wood floors are probably the reason he doesn't pee in there. But the minute he steps on the living room carpet he feels the need to drop his contents right then and there. It's frustrating, and when I try to grab him to take him outside he thinks it's a game and starts running and does he stop peeing while he's running? Hells no. He's peeing and running, I'm yelling and chasing. I end up with a small puddle and then a line of pee running through half of the house and I'm chasing a puppy who thinks I'm playing and I'm really thinking up puppy meat recipes in my head. And! I guarantee you that I would be the ONLY one in the house to see the 15 foot long stream of pee. It's like everyone else in the house can't see below their knees.

It's amazing how less cute he became after he started pissing on everything. Every time I step in a wet spot the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "Fucking shithead puppy." I say that with much love and adoration. Really. Because 10 minutes later I'm wrestling with him and rubbing his tummy. If I can't catch him in the act it doesn't do any good to scold him. I shower him with love with the hopes that he will eventually get that fact that mommy doesn't like it when he pees on the floor and he will love me so much that he will want to please me and what would please me is for him to relieve himself outside. Preferably before I put the finishing touches on my puppy kabob recipe.

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Rules of my the road

2008-08-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Oklahoma drivers,

Heed these rules or I will slash your tires and key your pretty paint job ala Carrie Underwood:

1. Put down your damn cell phone, newspaper, lipstick, chicken McNugget and put your left arm in, put your left arm out, put your left arm in and you shake it all about and pay attention, that is MY lane your inching into. Get any closer and I will CUT YOU!

2. Slamming on your brakes does nothing for me, does it do something for you? Because if you don't quit it, it will do "something" for the car repair shop your going to have to go to when I slam my gas guzzling SUV into the back of your little bitty car.

3. Every time you change lanes in an attempt to get into the "faster" lane, God kicks a puppy.

4. Honking your horn does not make traffic go faster, it does however make my middle finger go up faster.

Any questions?

Have a complaint? Call 1-800-SUCK-IT

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Butt plugs and dildos

2008-08-13T14:25:00.000-05:00

Why I spewed orange Fanta thru my nose and coughed so hard I threw up:

"Mom? What's a butt plug?"

"Ummm, well. Uhhhh, it's a uhhhh, where in the hell did you learn that from?"

"When I was at aunt C's house I watched Angry Kid videos."

"Oh, well uhhhhh.... they are, well...lets see uhhh......shit! Did you get permission to watch those videos?"

"Well, Meg showed me a couple of them, but then I watched more after she left."

"Oh, well uhhhhh, a butt plug is...well, it's something that grown up people use for uhhhhh, well, for sexual pleasure."

"Oh"

"Hey mom?"

"Yes."

"Whats a dildo?"

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Tattoos and tits

2008-08-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

When I was young, I was stupid. Not just a little stupid, but STOOPID. Oh I'm not saying I wasn't intelligent, but when it came to love and men.....STOOPID. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was a lesbian and I couldn't figure it out at the time and I latched on to each man who paid attention to me so I could get married and squeeze babies out my vagina like a redneck female was "supposed" to do.

So, I married a guy. He was from "the city", had a fast car, tattoos and I thought he was cool. We got married a month after we started dating.

*blink*

Yes, I said 1 month. Don't be hatin, I said I was stupid. Then I topped my stupidity and got his name tattooed on my left tit. Yes, the stupid flowed like wine. I drank that wine, yes I did and then I threw up all over my shoes.

I later got the tattooed covered with the only thing that would cover it at the time. A tribal shark. It was cool when I picked it out. Not so much anymore. Since that time I've gained weight and had another baby so it's more like a stretched out deformed dolphin than a shark. Hindsight ya know.

For some reason Molly loves the shark. When we are in the shower or I'm changing clothes she always has to look at it and it poke it with her finger. Yesterday was no exception. I don't wear a bra when I'm at home because I like to be comfortable. You could just take a look at my ass imprint in the sofa and know just how much comfort I have. I was sitting on the sofa, Molly was in my lap and she tugged on my shirt and said "I wanna look at shark", so I yanked up my shirt so she could look at it and poke it with her finger for the millionth time.

Only something happened. As I was watching the Olympics and letting her poke at the shark this white hot pain shot through my tit and it was as if lightening had traveled through my body. I damn near peed on myself and almost threw Molly across the room. Why she decided to pinch the ever living shit out of my nipple remains a mystery, but I guarantee one thing. The next time she wants to look at it I'm wearing cast iron pasties.

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Fishy

2008-08-08T11:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually a squeamish kind of person and I have the gag reflex of a professional bulimic but UPS just delivered a box to our office for my boss. On the side of the box in big red letters is "LIVE FISH". I know that my boss has a new garden pond so it all makes sense but my face probably had "perplexed" written all over it. Five minutes later when I could hear the fish moving around in the water it freaked me out. I have no idea why, but the thought of fish swimming around in a box makes my hiney twinge. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Only it's fish...in a box. I may need someone to hold me.

He told me that he bought it at an auction and that it is an authentic Japanese Koi. Of all the odd deliveries that arrive here for him, this one is the most amusing. And the most expensive I imagine. I think I may need to go home an pet my goldfish and remind him that he's still special even though he's not Asian.

Kittles

2008-08-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. *snort* Okay I'm not tolerant, what I am is a big pussy with no spine and I don't like to rock the boat. So when something happens that pisses me off or bugs me I tend to not do a damn thing about it.

Today? I'm on the phone with a good ole boy who owns an oil & gas company, who just so happened to give the non-profit I work for a big donation and is taking part in one of our fundraisers. He called today to give me some information I needed and first off, it was hard to understand him as his hillbilly accent was no match for my ears despite the training I received having a back-woods redneck brother.

Secondly, he talked rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy slow. It was like a car that wouldn't go. I wanted to slam on the gas and beat the steering wheel, instead? I get to stare blankly at the wall waiting for him to finish. I have had practice at this having slept with men in my former life.

At the end of the call? He said "Wha thank yew so much mayam, such a big help yew arrrr, aahhhight Kittles, talk ta ya layter." I am so not joking about this. What the hell is a Kittle? My boss got a big kick out of it and has been laughing for the past half hour and every time he walks into the room he chuckles and says "Kittles, haha."

Anyone have bail money?

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Shave & a haircut. Two bits.

2008-08-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

I thought I would have time this morning to do some ummm...how should I put this? Landscaping the overgrown bush nestled between my supple thighs.

Did that get you hot?

It got me hot. Oh wait...that could have been a hotflash. (mental note: have hormones checked)

I thought I would have plenty of time as Lin had already left for work, Eugene was still in bed and Molly was watching TV. All I needed was a few little minutes. Just a few. That is not a lot to ask. Except that I can't remember the last time I peed by myself. Except at work. Cause that would be weird.

I was about half way to a perfectly sculpted snatch when my daughter yanked the bathroom door open. I'm so glad she's only 2 because I would have been pretty embarassed had she been old enough to grasp even the smallest notion of what was going on. My face turned red anyway.

So I had to stop. Mid-shave. Is that a word?

So now I look like a before and after picture for a porn razor commercial.

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Cancer sucks y'all.

2008-08-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

I have worked for the same company for almost 4 years. I came here because the pay and benefits were so much better than at my previous job. I loved my last job. It was at a graphic design firm and although there were only 6 of us, it was fun. We had monthly pot-luck lunches, played music and had a good time. I even found out that a co-worker got caught cheating on his wife and when she found out he was permanently in the dog-house trying to make up for it. Boy she treated him like trash and I got my rocks off on his self inflicted misfortune. I'm kind of twisted that way.

I worked my ass off for little pay but I enjoyed it. I didn't have to wear business suits but I attempted to dress in business casual. I've always said that I dress for my income level so I'll leave it up to you to interpret that. Every year our health insurance went up without fail. My salary never went up without fail. So every year I worked there I was making less money. This fact did not go unnoticed because I do have a few brain cells that didn't die off during the great bong adventure of 91. I asked my boss for a raise. I got one. I should have been bitch slapped with putrid tuna, it would have been less painful than the puny raise I received. I was insulted. I got a new job but I cried myself into hysterics the day I left.

4 years later, I am looking for a new job yet again. When your girlfriend comments on happy you seem and your so chatty and I remember this girl, this is the girlfriend I use to have, you start to wonder what happened. I wondered out loud "Well what has changed?" The painful truth hit me in the face like big fat shit ball. I was on vacation. From work. From my boss. From that place that drags me into the deepest pits of hell and then sweats on me like a dirty whore. I knew it was time to leave.

After my small vacation, it took 3 days of being in the office before my boss put a giant guilt trip on me about something that happened a year ago and was out of my control. The very next day (which was yesterday) I started job hunting. I actually applied online for 3 different jobs. I considered it using my lunch time wisely instead of abusing company time to find my next job. Yesterday afternoon my boss called Amanda and I into the conference room to tell us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I held it together while he explained everything that has happened and everything that was going to happen. Then he asked me if I was okay. I cried. Like a big baby. I cried. He said it was okay, but it's not okay.

I felt so guilty for all of the mean thoughts and all of the bitching I had done about him in the previous weeks. All of his actions plus being overworked and stressed about a multitude of things showered me with guilt. Linda had to remind me that my unhappiness with my boss and my desire to find a new job has to separated from the fact that he has cancer. And she's right. I do have to find a way to separate all of this so my judgement doesn't become cloudy. But FUCK! This is hard. My heart tells me stay until he's well, my head tells me that I have to do what is right for me and I have to let go of the rest.

When he walked through the door this morning, I wanted to cry. This man, despite the fact that he can be a condescending ass came to my fathers funeral and I cried in his arms and he didn't let go until I was ready. Fuck. This is hard.

Ring of Fire

2008-07-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

You know, there is actually something to be said about experience making you a wise person. I consider myself wise beyond my years, especially after this past weekend.

Lin had a rare day off and it was her mission to get some things done around the house. She wanted to clean out the garage and she spent several hours accomplishing that mission. Her other mission was to salvage a cast iron kettle that had been abandoned in her sisters back yard for several years. Her solution to rid this kettle of rust was to burn it off via filling it with Crisco and putting it on the grill. The lit grill. The grill that has fire in it. A kettle full of grease on a lit grill. With the cover down. Do you see where I'm going with this? Should I draw a diagram?

I could leave it at that and let your imagination take you where it will, but what kind of a person would I be if I left it there? Well, I would the type of person who wouldn't needle their girlfriend to death about burning down the back yard. And I can't let that happen. When I noticed the smoke coming from the grill I asked Lin what was going on and she explained everything to me. I asked her "Aren't you afraid of it catching on fire?" (Remember that I asked this very important question) Her reply???? "Huh, no." (She said in a "duh" like fashion....a fashion in which she will regret later....5 minutes later to be exact) The next thing I know Eugene is telling me that Lin is yelling for me. I go outside and what do I see? Not only is the grill on fire, but the fence and the overhang is ON FIRE! Flames abound! She yells at me to crank up the water on the hose and she is spraying the grill. With water. The grill that is holding a kettle full of burning grease. Water + burning grease = no bueno baby!!

It took about 10 minutes to get the thing completely out and about 5 hours for her heartbeat to return to normal. I should have inserted an "I told you so" in there, but she summed it up by saying "Why do you let me do stupid shit?" So, after this weekend I have only one conclusion: I am a Mensa candidate, and Lin should just stand there and look pretty.

Did I mention that this is a brand new grill? Like purchased in June for Lin's birthday new. *sigh*

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